Just for Kicks

I was going to go to Vancouver this weekend but then I went out last weekend and bought three new pairs of… SHOES!  Yay, shoes.  I’m a dork.

Shakin' in my boots!

People keep asking me if I’m excited at the prospect of my new job.  I honestly can’t say that I’m “excited” so much as slightly scared because it’s yet another new horizon.  As has seemed to be a pattern in my life lately I’m heading off into something new and completely unknown.  The nice thing is that I’m not necessarily alone in this because I do have a friend working up there, in fact she’s the one that got me the job, though as she’s in management and is significantly older than I am it looks like I’m back to square one for making friends and meeting people again.  I think the scariest part of the whole situation is the unknown but that’s a dragon I’ve dealt with numerous times before and I’m sure will continue to deal with throughout life.

With everything in life comes choices and with every choice you wonder if you’ve made the right one.  I sit here at 26 and think “is this the best choice that you can make for this time in your life?”  Some of the things that concern me about this option are the semi-nomadic life that I’ll be living yet again.  Far away up North living in a place that is provided for me but is certainly not my home.  On weeks off where will I find myself?  Much of the time I imagine I’ll find myself back in Vernon with family but the option for foreign travel is definitely there.  But then the question begs to be asked “with who?”  I know that this is a fantastic opportunity in terms of if I make sound decisions now and don’t do anything impulsive or stupid I could literally be setting a financial and career foundation for the rest of my life but what of life beyond finance and career?

Good-Bye House.

The cold that I had is almost completely gone.  I guess my whining about my immune system and all the vitamins I take was premature because the cold didn’t even really last a week.

I didn’t mention in the last few posts but The Baron has put the house up for sale and has started the process of buying another place.  So it looks like we’re going to be moving in the next little while when this place sells.  Like everyone else who has ever been here I’m really going to miss this house.  I’ve considered it a great privilege to have been able to live here for as long as I have (although it was completely unplanned that I would be here for so long) and I have been pretty darn happy here.  I think the amazing views are what I’ll miss the most, that and the patio where we eat in the summer.  What I won’t miss is the miniscule kitchen and the main bathroom that is right off of the dinning area.  

At this juncture I’m not really sure where I’ll be going to from here because with the camp job happening I won’t really need much of a place to live because I’ll be working and living in camp for three weeks.  For my one week off I’m foreseeing myself being somewhat of a nomad.  With no real home base there’s nothing stopping me from spending time wherever I want to for that week.  Of course I’ll probably come back to Vernon for most of those weeks, especially those in the summer, but during the winter I can see myself booking myself into an all inclusive resort in Cuba or something… My main goal for this job is to make a lot of money and invest so that I’ll be able to have choices that don’t necessarily hinge on financial need.  I still want to look into the possibility of opening Narcissus, I’d like to own a condo in Kelowna at some point (I’ve been thinking of that in particular because if I’m gone for the three weeks I could rent out the place to some room mates and have them pay the mortgage), just make some smart decisions that would help lead to a place where I wouldn’t have to work for the rest of my life.

Northward Ho! (?)

Well I think that I’m going North.  Got the call this morning and I think the whole thing is going to go really well.  Only possible problem is that they want me there on the 20th and my current job likely needs me until the first of April.

(Immune) System Down!

Well the sick has hit full on, stupid cold.  I don’t even know why I got it this time.  Usually when I get this cold it’s because I’m tired and run down.  This time I think it got me purely out of spite.  You’d think that with all of Vitamins that I take I’d have a super immune system.  Apparently it doesn’t seem to work that way.

Sick

The fact that I’m not working this week has possibly turned out to be a good thing.  I’m getting sick.

Fuck You for Coming Here!

I’m having a hard time keeping my cool tonight.  I’m not even sure what set me off but I realized just how frustrated I was when I caught myself swearing at the top of my lungs at The Apprentice tonight.  No reason at all for me to get that frustrated over a TV show.  Then The Baron walked in and pronounced that it was the stupidest show on TV and I just about went off on him to!

I’m contemplating going to Calgary this weekend.  The Baron is driving up on Friday and I would stay with my friend Sarah and then fly home on Sunday.  I was originally thinking about going to Vancouver but Peter is going through some stuff and I don’t think it would be good for me to be around.  Mostly because he may have an effect on me.  So I’m contemplating going to Calgary even though I know that I really can’t afford it but I really need to get the hell out of here again.

This week I’m hardly working.  Lots of free time, I don’t work tomorrow or Friday and the other two days I only work about half a day.  Even though this should sound great I do not like the fact that I’ve got all this time to sit around thinking.

artist: Brad Paisley Lyrics

song : When I Get Where I'm Going (Feat. Dolly Parton)

When I get where I'm going
On the far side of the sky
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly

I'm gonna land beside a lion
And run my fingers through his mane
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

(Chorus:)
Yeah when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I'm going
Don't cry for me down here

I'm gonna walk with my grand daddy
And he'll match me step for step
And I'll tell him how I missed him
Every minute since he left
Then I'll hug his neck

(Chorus:)
Yeah when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I'm going
Don't cry for me down here

So much pain and so much darkness
In this world we stumble through
All these questions I can't answer
So much work to do

But when I get where I'm going
And I see my maker's face
I'll stand forever in the light
Of his amazing grace
Yeah when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
Hallelujah
I will love and have no fear
When I get where I'm going
Yeah when I get where I'm going

I found this song online a week or so ago and I absolutely love it. It's a little depressing but overall it speaks to me of hope.

I did not end up going to the College and Career group tonight and instead went to hang with my Kelowna friends. I figure that I will go to the CnC one night but I prefer to go on a night when they actually have an event planned so I don't have to entertain myself. The fact that these kids are all so young is really a stumbling block for me. The Baron said well 26 really isn't all that far from 20 to which I replied that's true but the life experiences we've had are light years away already.

Choices that suck.

Ugh, what do I do now?  Was invited to a ‘party’ with the College and Career group at my Parents church tonight (I know this was a forced invite because I’m sure my Mom asked the kid to call me (how pathetic am I?)) or I could go to Kelowna and attend church with some friends there and then go out for appies.  I know which one I would prefer to do but I wonder if maybe I should go to the one here to possibly meet some of the people from town.  I generally really dislike College and Career ‘parties’ though.  The fact that I’m no longer in College and don’t really have a Career doesn’t help.  Ugh, just bound to be a gross situation either way.

Home

It hit me yesterday afternoon.  I was wondering why I was feeling all grumpy and irritable when I was so close to the end of the trip and would be going home.  There’s nothing to be home for!

Help! Companies need workers.

Everything that could possibly have went wrong in Mackenzie did.  Overall the trip went fine though.

Well I’m back at Starbucks in PG.  I’m looking forward to moving on out tomorrow and heading to Quesnel.  Tonight my rant has to do with the job market again.  Man Power the recruiting agency released a warning today that certain sectors of the economy are facing sever shortages.  Naturally these areas just happen to be the areas that I’m looking for a job in and that’s could be really frustrating.  Why I say that it could be frustrating is because I’m trying a new approach to the whole thing.  One of the books that I just finished reading Your Best Life Now by Joel Osteen (a life changing book, for me anyway) made the point that God’s timing is not ours.  I’ve seen this before in my life so knowing that I’m where I’m supposed to be helps keep the frustration at bay.

In other news I’m quickly becoming addicted to the new Canadian soap Falcon Beach.  I’ve been downloading episodes and it’s really quite good.

TIME HAS STOPPED!

Someone call the National Research Council!  Time has stopped.  It seems to have completely stopped for the past four years in Mackenzie!  Seriously, I drove into town today and although I haven’t been here in four years EVERYTHING is the same.  I drove straight to my chosen restaurant and was stunned that they’re still using the exact same menu.  I guess the thinking must be why change if you’ve got a winner.  Although to be fair I did notice one major change at the restaurant, they’re using square plates now!  Toot, toot for the Merebello!

My usual hotel the lovely Williston Lake Lodge has done a few reno’s and the hotel room is much nicer than many I stay in and they have wireless internet.  While chatting with the manager upon checking in I was explaining my frustration with finding internet access while travelling through Alberta, to which she replied “I know we were staying in Westlock for a month and I couldn’t get access anywhere and just about went out of my mind so the first thing I did when I got back here was buy a wireless router”.

For some reason I’m really tired tonight and I’m tossing around the idea of calling it an early night.  My start time tomorrow is 530 which means that I’ll have to get up around 445 which really doesn’t make me happy.  I think I’ll watch Desperate Housewives and download Grey’s Anatomy tomorrow.

Muhammad is... Gay?

(Please don't set me on fire or proclaim a jihad against me for the title of this post if you will read on you'll realize that it really doesn't make any sense and is just something that I'm using to get people to read my post! )

Ok, this whole Muhammad cartoon issue is just WAY out of hand. I just read an article, about the whole fiasco, from the New York Times below. I finally googled the cartoons out of sheer curiosity and it must just be my ignorance about some aspect of the issue but I really don’t understand what big deal is. I’m tempted to post them on my blog as many others are doing just to support the notion of free speech but frankly I just couldn’t be bothered.

While I’m in controversial subject mode – I watched Brokeback Mountain last night. I really have to say that I after watching it I’m completely astounded about the controversy / rave reviews this film is generating. I have just read differing reviews from Plugged In a Focus on the Family publication and the New York Times Movie Review (apparently I really like the New York Times) I tried to find a review of the film on gay.com but ironically they don’t have one. Ironic because they have vast amounts of web-space devoted to the actors, premise, ground breakingness of the film but no actual review. I don’t think that any of the reviews of this film that I read actually do it justice. So with that in mind I’ll share some of my thoughts.

The scenery in the film is absolutely astounding, especially at the beginning when they are out herding sheep. The soundtrack just irritated me, constant picking at a guitar just doesn’t do it for me I suppose. As an actor Heath Ledger truly does deserve an Oscar for his performance in the film.

Frankly while beautiful and well acted the film almost verged on boring me. I didn’t really see it as the tragic love story that many activists would have us believe it is but I also didn’t see it as a threat to modern society as many right wing organizations would like us to. If anything the film should be viewed as exposing gay love for what it is - impossible and torturous. I had absolutely no sympathy for the two men in the film but rather my heat cried out for their families.

The argument is made that because of the time period the characters didn’t have any other choices but I would disagree. If they really were all that interested in being together and they really were as in love as they believed themselves to be then somehow they could have made it work.

The overall mood the movie left me in was irritation. Irritation over the fact that I had plunked down $9.50 to go and see this movie that ultimately left me very unsatisfied. Ang Lee can I have my Money back?

I've been reading various books lately that deal with my personal situation and as each of them talks about eventual freedom I know that I've still got some deep seated hatred or anger or someting(!) going on that I have to deal with but I don't know how to or even what it actually is. I just know that it has something to do with the church... or rather the people it is made up of and that until I get that figured out I'm likely not going to be able to make a huge amount of progress.

Northern Money...

How does a Northern Economy work?  I am at a loss as to try and explain it and it’s really starting to bug me.  Take the Price George Tim Horton’s for example (the one on they high-way across from the Spruce Land Mall) everyday since I’ve got here I’ve gone there in the morning to get breakfast and lunch.  EVERY SINGLE TIME they’ve got some aspect of my lunch wrong.  I’ve asked for no tomatoes (they makes my sandwich soggy by the time I’m ready to eat it) and I’ve got tomatoes.  I ask for tuna, I get chicken.  I ask for a chocolate glaze and I get… a regular glaze.  This is not hard people!  I’m currently sitting in Starbucks (yeah, I know I’m a Starbucks whore) drinking my Venti Strawberry Lemonade Frappuchino that I got for free because they screwed up my drink order the other day (Personal De-café Americano) and made me wait forever.

Whenever you talk to anyone about the current state of the Northern economy you invariably hear tales of the insane money that people are making.  This seems to be the prevailing excuse across BC and Alberta for why service in fast food and restaurants is so deplorable even though these companies are paying $10 and up.  The argument seems to be that everyone is getting all these big money jobs and there’s no one to work the crappy fast food jobs.  Well how can that be when it’s just physically impossible for everyone to do these big money jobs; not to mention that many people don’t really even want these jobs for various reasons.

So that ends my query about the Northern economy if anyone can explain it to me I’d love to know why it’s impossible to get good, hell I’d settle for competent, service in the North.  Meanwhile I’m going to sit back and wait for my big money Northern job to call.

Starbuckian Angst

“Get rhythm, when you get the blue, c’mon get rhythm when you get the blues…” The sounds of Johnny Cash float through the air, the intoxicating scent of dark roasted coffee two step up my nose, people in Prince George speak Italian, ‘I ASKED FOR A GRANDE!’ And I’m starting to think that I am spending too much time in Starbucks.  

Last night, courtesy of Starbucks, I very amusedly watched a first date.  It was horrifying.  The first year College / University boy trying to wit his date into submission was wearing a green shirt that stated in huge block letters I’m a Keeper.  He was one of those very animated first years who kept bouncing around in his chair and drew lots of attention to himself.  I had to keep my eyes fixed on my computer screen because I just about burst into hysterical laughter.  Happily, for him, the antics seemed to be paying off and his date seemed to be having a good time… I just wonder how long before he’ll wear off on her.

Past two days have been long, making up for the very lax schedule I’ve had for the past few weeks.  Thursday was 13 hours and today was 10.5.  Happily tomorrow is only about 4 or 5 but it starts at 6 and I forgot / can’t find my toque so I actually have to get up and have a shower and deal with my hair.

Having a rough go of it.

I am really having a rough time right now.  I just seemed to start this trip off in the wrong frame of mind and it’s just not changing, even though I’m doing all I know to change it, so that is really frustrating.  I want to cry, scream, give up, and just go away in general.

Happy Singles Awareness Day!

Well everyone Happy Singles Awareness Day! What a fucking stupid excuse to buy a bunch of shit. As I’m sure you can tell I’m not in the greatest mind-set right now to want to deal with this day. I ended up going to McDonalds for supper again tonight. My first choice was Earl's and when I walked in and had to give my name for a table for one I kept scratching my head and asking myself why in hell there was such a huge wait and why all these couples were standing around... wait... wait... look at my watch... wait... the date on the watch finally registers and I turn on my heel and leave not wanting to be the only person in Earl's tonight on my own. Even though I have a perfectly legitamite reason.

I’m in Prince George and found out the hotel that I’m staying in doesn’t have net access! How could I be so stupid as to make reservations somewhere and not check to make sure they have net access? So I’m sitting at Starbucks using the hotspot network. Now in order to do this I called Telus on my cell and asked them how I could get access cheaper then the outrageous $10 charge they want for an hour. Wouldn’t you know it I signed up for monthly service for $25. The first month is free and I can cancel it after the first month if I find that I don’t use it… which I’m sure I won’t as this is really the first time I’ve ever needed it and that’s because cancelling the room and moving to a hotel that I usually stay in with access would mean they would charge a fee and the boss really wouldn’t like that. So while the concept of the hotspot is fantastic it’s just to bloody expensive. If it was $2.50 for an hour I’d more than happily fork that over, but not $10. So now that I have access what to do? Well update the blog, check the e-mail accounts, finish downloading a TV show I wanted to watch, maybe chat a bit with some friends if they’re on and that’s about it.

I’ve been in a really frustrated frame of mind all day actually. Even though the jobs went fine I feel really emotional. I think part of the reason is that this time every year for the past like 5 years I’ve gone down to Vancouver to blow off steam and just hang out with friends. Doesn’t look like it’s going to happen for a while though which is to bad. Is it ok to admit that I’m lonely? On Valentines no less.



Is it also ok to want to go over and bitch slap the people giggling together over their stupid fucking steamed milks?

Those Days

Ever have one of those days where you just wish it was tomorrow?  Those days where you just exist… today has been one of those.

The grass is as green as it needs to be!

Tomorrow I leave for a two week jaunt through Northern BC hitting all the high spots with a visit to my absolute favourite of all BC towns (insert highly sarcastic tone here) Mackenzie.  Everyone working for our company has a particular place they irrationally hate, for some it’s Trail, others it’s Fort Nelson (which is a close second for me), but for me Mackenzie definitely takes first prize.  I think it’s because Mackenzie was the first trip I ever did when I was 18 and lets just say that the experience scarred me.  So thankfully I’m only in Mackenzie for a night or two then I’ll be back to normal society.

Last night thoughts of life in Vancouver really came back to me hard and resulted in disturbing dreams all night.  The dreams weren’t disturbing in the typical sense of horror or whatever else a disturbing dream connotes but rather they focused on all the good times I had and omitted any reference to the bad times.  Needless to say by the time I woke up I was almost let down to see that I’d awoke next to Okanagan Lake in Vernon, poor me.  It’s funny what our subconscious can try and tell us.

I am dying to go out and party right now though.  The recent bout of sitting at home watching movies on weekends just isn’t really doing it for me anymore.  I need a little fun and excitement.  I really think a trip to Vancouver is in order.

The grass is as green as it needs to be!  A good mantra to remember.

Horrors! Horrors!

The test results left me with a cold feeling of horror; like I had just slipped on a large dead squid or something.  “That absolutely can’t be correct” I told the Nurse.  Alas though, she confirmed that it was.  February 10, 2006 will forever go down as the day that I was told by my Naturopath that I was allergic to… COFFEE!


Let the dirge begin.





PS – I’m highly suspect of this diagnosis though because I’ve never knowingly had a reaction to coffee (the caffeine is another story) so I’m going to call and get them to explain more to me about what the hell they’re saying.  I’m not giving this one up with-out at least a half-hearted fight.

We're getting a bout of absolutely amazing weather here in the Okanagan. Looking outside you'd swear it was Summer... well aside from the general nakedness of the trees. I was in Penticton area yesterday and I took a few phenomenal pictures, of Skaha lake and the general conditions, with my phone but due to a Telus error (which was a result of having sent my phone in for repairs) they are lost in cyberspace now.

After a fairly busy and VERY tiring week today was a very short day for which I'm grateful. A Doctors appointment and then Pizza with The Baron then coffee with a friend. I think I'm going to play racketball with my Dad too. It's a good day.

I'm not trying to piss you off man!

I had a headache and I was really in no mood for stupidity.  So when Andrew walked in for his appointment eating a muffin and drinking a Pepsi® at 9 this morning I wasn’t really impressed.  I told him that he would have to do something about his food because he was here for work and it wasn’t a break.  To which he replied “well I was just finishing my break and the Foreman told me to come over here!”  “That’s really not my problem now is it?”  I asked.  He decided that he would go wait outside until he was finished his snack.  I started working with another guy and about 2 minutes into what I was doing Andrew wrenched open the door to the truck (which requests very clearly in large turquoise letters ‘Please DO NOT OPEN DOOR’) and walked back in.  At this point I was seething.  “Obviously you can’t read?” I said; “I didn’t see it!...  I’m not trying to piss you off man!”  It was the second half of that statement that made me realize that I was TOTALLY blowing the situation out of perspective and really I was the one with the problem not Andrew he was just a dumb kid who really didn’t know any better.  

After I was finished with Andrew I wrote down I’m not trying to piss you off man! On a piece of paper and left it on my desk.  It really was a good reminder for the rest of the day whenever I was starting to get snarky for no good reason that the problem was mine and not the people I was working with.

'Interesting' People

Today I had two interesting “Customers” one walked into the back of the truck did what she needed to then turned, stared at the back wall with a very confused look on her face and asked “how do I get out of here?”  I just pointed to the door that she had used to enter, with what I suppose was a look of incredulity on my face.  The second ‘special’ person that I saw started ranting about WCB to me and a claim that they had denied him 8 years earlier.  He literally talked about it for 20 minutes after I had said good-bye.  I even started cleaning my desk and putting things away and tried to ignore him and that didn’t even get him out faster.  If he hadn’t have been the father-in-law of the owner of the company that I was at I would have told him to go away because I didn’t care much sooner.

Getting Intimate...

Today was spent doing very little of anything.  I attended church with my parents as it was a special service to celebrate the retirement of the Pastor and his wife who have been there for 15 years meaning that they are pretty much the only Pastoral significance I’ve ever had.  They are fantastic people but I’m looking forward to a Pastor who is actually a better preacher.  

After church I had lunch with Sister at Starbucks and then I came home.  Spent the afternoon divided between the computer and some reading.  The Baron and I just had a light supper and now I’m here.

Thinking about some of the events of the past while and the causes for some of my actions I think that I’ve pinpointed a major desire.  My life is, and has been, lacking a sense of intimacy or connection with someone.  Now I’m not talking in a sexual way rather just a feeling of being able to connect with someone.  Someone you don’t have to talk to but can be comfortable just sitting with.  It’s a longing that’s been growing stronger and stronger and it’s terribly hard to ignore.  A somewhat dreadful feeling but one that I’m glad to be aware of.  Once your aware of something it makes it much easier to deal with as opposed to trying to fight the unknown demon that torments you.

Back from a VERY quick trip to Vancouver. As usual, when in Vancouver, I packed as many friends as I could into the few hours that I had to visit. Had breakfast with MC, Brunch with my buddy Ed whom I used to work with at The Bay (and found out today for the first time that we almost ended up as part of each other's extended family. My Uncle P was engaged to Ed's Sister-in-law! How crazy is that! It's insane that we've been friends for quite a while now and this is the first time that it's ever come up. My Dad and I just stared at each other dumbfounded when Ed mentioned Uncle P's name today. Talk about a small world!), then hooked up with my friend V who is helping me get a job at the Northern Camps that I mentioned earlier. Then I stopped VERY breifly at my old Zellers in Delta, Dad's meeting was 5 mins away, and visited with a friend there. Then Dad and I drove home. Lots of people for one day. Overall it was a very good trip.

Interviewing Skills?

God that was the worst interview I’ve ever gone to.  The fact that I did the interviewing should tell you how bad the interviewer at this company was.  Once I realized that the company was a finance company as in the ‘AVCO’ or ‘Household Finance’ companies of yesteryear I knew I had no interest in working there.  NEXT!

Just think of all the Petro-Points!

On the travelling theme, I did my gas logs today for my truck (not including the driving I’ve done in the other trucks this month) and logged over 3,800kms in January… and it’s been a pretty slow month!

I've Been Everywhere Man, I've Been Everywhere!

Well I’m back from Edmonton via – Edson, Hinton, Jasper & Blue River.  I have decided that Hinton is the town in Alberta that I hate the most.  The place stinks and the people that I saw all seem to be some variation of inbreeding.  That and the client there was a fucking ass-hole who made me sit around doing nothing for 3.5 hours because they were SO busy.  Really weird because while I was sitting around in their waiting room it didn’t seem that busy to me!

Last night I spent the night in Blue River which seemed like a variation of hell.  No cell, no cable, no internet!

Now I’m back at home and trying to get mentally prepared for my job interview tomorrow.  It’s been a while since I’ve had a job interview so while I’m not nervous I hope I come across as the polished young gentleman I am.

Thursday I go to Vancouver overnight with my Dad and will be back sometime Friday night.

All in all a typical reasonably busy week.

I've been in Edmonton since Tuesday and have so far had a very plesant time with Raph and Wifey. Yesterday to kill time I hung out at The Mall for a couple hours and ended up finding a few good deals. I don't know how it happens but everytime I come to Edmonton I find awesome deals in the stores.

As both Raph and Wifey are working I've been entertaining myself for the most part. For tonight I have taken over responsibilities as gues chef for their weekly Friday feast... so I really hope it's good. Heck who am I kidding I'm a great cook!

Tuesday night as we were sitting around the table eating supper I was just struck with how surreal the whole situation was. Sitting in my best friends city apartment with his wife eating a typical weeknight meal that he had prepared. God are we growing up fast!

Go Conservative!

It’s finally over!  We have a Conservative Government in Canada.  I predict we’ll be at the polls again in 18 months.  

A Reminder

Just so you don’t forget….

VOTE!
Stand Up for Canada!

Goin Campin' (?)

I talked to the friend I mentioned last post, the one that works for the hospitality company for remote camps, about the Assistant Manager’s position today.  Over the course of the conversation and after discussing it with my Dad I have decided to send in my resume.  She is actually going to the same camp and logically convinced me that it would be an excellent opportunity.  The money isn’t quite as good as I mentioned last post but it’s still more money than I’ve ever made in my life, and is still more than most people make, and room and board are free!  Not to mention that it’s only three weeks of work with every fourth week off and they’ll fly you to Edmonton, Vancouver, Calgary or Montreal as well as give you an extra $100 towards any extra travel from those locations.  If the job is offered to me and I decide to take it, it’s likely that I’d be able to have my remaining debts paid off (including my car) within 6 months!  

The position is Assistant Manager of a commissary and Tim Horton’s (I’m not sure how the Timmy’s works in there) and all training is included.  My friend pointed out what I’ve already figured out… all companies down here want experienced people and there are just too many boomers running around to make it worth while to hire a young inexperienced person.  If I get the position and it works out the experience alone would be invaluable and the money would be absolutely amazing.

I’ll be sure to keep ya’ll updated.

330AM

I don’t know why my body actually finds it painful to wake up at 300AM to be at work at 330AM but none-the-less it does.  I’m sitting here at the mill working and the time on the computer clock reads 336AM (I’ll be posting this later so the times will not match).  My neck muscles are really tight and my eyes feel scratchy.  The eyes I can understand but the neck muscles?  It’s strange how every grave yard shift I work this happens, must just be my body’s way of dealing with being up and working at such a weird time.  I’m sitting here clutching my Tim Horton’s double-double and listening to upbeat music on the computer in a bid to keep my energy up (maybe if I can convince myself I’m actually in a club the time won’t bother me so much!  Right…).

I guess the past week has been relatively hum-drum, but in a good way, as there really hasn’t been all that much to write about.  Last weekend I had a bit of a meltdown on Saturday night as a result of state of my social life.  After working all week alone in Castlegar I arrived home to an empty house, as my parents were in Saskatchewan, and nothing to do, with no one to do it with.  At that point I decided the most rational thing to do would be to work on my business plan and drink a bottle of wine (probably not the best way of dealing with things but hey who are you to judge!).  I ended up calling random people across the country.  So I ended up talking to people in the three Western Provinces and spending about 4 hours on the phone.  Not bad for a guy with a bottle of wine and a phone.  I think that it’s really weird how the loneliness just came out and hit me.  Part of the problem of course is the fact that being on the road makes it virtually impossible to meet people in town and all of my friends who actually are in town have families.  Just another chapter in life.

I’m trying to look at the job situation in a positive way.  I’ve been searching out jobs on the internet at companies that I would like to work for.  I’ve decided that I’m not going to take just any job, just for the sake of getting a job.  While it’s tempting to do just that I’m looking at my resume and realizing that it looks like I’ve been purposely job jumping for the past few years.  I’m not sure if employers are considering the fact that last year alone I worked for three different companies a bad thing or not.  Unfortunately I’m also thinking that most companies are looking for experienced people only.  The problem is that they can get the experience because there are so many boomers running around.  I really feel that it’s short sighted on the company’s part though to hire people that are going to be moving on really quickly though.  There is something to be said for youth.

A friend of mine who works for a large Canadian food services company (they’re in charge of cafeterias in everything from logging camps to hospitals) called me the other night and told me about an Assistant Manager’s position in a camp somewhere that is 3 weeks in and 1 week out.  Typically I wouldn’t even consider this because I hate not having a home base so much but the job starts around at around $80,000 and that does make it worth considering but I’m pretty sure that’s all I’ll be doing with it.  If I ever did decide that I was going to do it I would tell myself that I would only do it for a year to make money.  The problem with that, and I see it everyday in this job, is that you commit yourself to a year and then you end up getting far to used to the amount of money that your making and it gets really hard to go back and make a much lower salary after.

I seem to be waffling really bad on starting my own business to.  There are times when I convince myself that I should just do it… after-all what do I really have to lose?  Visiting Janet on Monday I went around with her as she gathered some lose threads for her business.  Knowing that she’s doing it really seems to bother me because I know that if she can do it than there’s no reason that I can’t do it.  I have to admit thought that it’s scary as hell to contemplate actually doing.  Dreaming is one thing, doing is another entirely.

I had the pleasure last night of having dinner and visiting with friends at their home in Lac La Hach.  I was actually friends with their daughter in Vernon when we were in high-school but have always kept in touch with them as well.  Their story is one of true joy and hardship.  They have been exceptionally poor and worth Millions (to the tune of 16 or so).  Right now they are back to being exceptionally poor but talking with them you’d be hard pressed to see evidence of that in their mood and outlook.  Telling them about Narcissus they were very encouraging reminding me that without taking a risk you’ll never know what could have been.  When two people who have gone through as much as they have can look at life and tell you that without being bitter that’s a pretty big testament to their beliefs.  

Well it’s now 500 only 9 more hours!

Don't worry I am still alive. I'm in Williams Lake. Just don't feel like writing now. Catch ya in a couple days I'm sure.

Down With The National Playlist!

Travelling as extensively as I do has given me what I like to think of as a unique perspective on the CBC.  First off any of you who know me and have ever talked about this subject with me should well know that I really like most of the CBC’s programming.  Previously the major exception has been Bill Richardson and his show The Roundup which is on sometime in the afternoon.  I fucking HATE listening to that God damned Smarmy Richardson.  Now I’m sure he’s really a very nice fellow but gimme a break and quick with the fucking voice!  That and I do believe I have hated just about every fucking song that dumb bastard has ever played, and what the fuck is with the whole “Sadie the Sad Goat” thing!  GOD!  So on that note everytime I hear that oh so familiar entry music my hand automatically reaches over and turns the radio off.  I’ve found that driving in complete silence is so much more preferable to listening to The Roundup.

What brought on this rant about the CBC?  Well today after finally giving in and listening to almost a full show of The National Playlist I just couldn’t take it anymore.  I’ve decided that there is much bitch slapping that is needed to go on at the CBC.  Specifically Gian Gomeshi (sp?) and the National Playlist producers (his guests can generally be excused because they’re not the ones in charge of actually putting on this terrible show).  Who was the fucking brilliant producer that decided that we need such a thing as The National Playlist?  Didn’t it occur to them that people who listen to CBC generally listen because they want well informed programming on political and social issues that actually matter in this country?  If I seriously wanted to know what some self-important intellectual was listening to and why they believe that it’s worthy of subjecting the entire country to then I’d just think back my High School days and try and remember what Raphael was listening to!  Seriously more obscure, much loathed music could / should not be found anywhere on a Public Broadcaster!  And Gian (sp?) you live in Calgary!  Hardly the most happening place in the Canadian music scene!  DOWN WITH THE NATIONAL PLAYLIST!  Canada is a diverse country and I believe that people can choose what to listen to on their own.  If they can’t then God forgive them for being so pathetic and may their entry Visa’s to South East Malizie Farm be granted that much quicker!

Castlegar (again!)

I spent the majority of the day today sitting in a coffee shop in Castlegar working on my Narcissus business plan.  I think I made some pretty good progress and managed to get the marketing and promotions plan done.  I’m up to nine pages on this thing now and everyone who I’ve shown it to have been pretty impressed.  So far I haven’t had one person tell me they think that it’s not going to work.  I really hope those people are just telling me they think it works so as not to hurt my feelings.

Boredom is NOT good for me.  Old habits start to pop up and it’s just not good.

I’m looking forward to going to Edmonton in a couple of weeks time.  It’s been arranged so that I’ll be able to spend the weekend and / or significant time with Raph and Wifey.  Looking forward to it.

Ive had a revelation

I’ve had a revelation I dislike not being busy but I’m thinking back to my HBC days and life was SO stressful and frenzied and I was so miserable that I completely wore myself out.  I need to find a medium between these two lives I’m living / lived.

Ping Pong

Went to Steve’s Ping Pong event tonight and I really tried to have a good time and actually did end up enjoying it.  The event totally drove home how much I don’t ‘fit’ in that group though.  All the guys there were either my Dad’s age or slightly older or were close to my age (within 10 years) and had wives and kids waiting for them at home.  All great guys but I seriously didn’t fit.

  I’m smiling as I write this because my typical response to this situation would be to dwell upon how unfair life was and how much things sucked but tonight I’m comfortable in the understanding that I’m right where I should be.  For whatever reason I find myself here and you know what… it’s a reasonably good place to be.  Slightly lonely at times but it’s important to remember that the only constant in life is change.  

Its Saturday.

It’s one of those Saturdays where you really don’t want to do anything… and I haven’t.  Well nothing productive or useful anyway.  

Last night was our Staff ‘Holiday’ party at The Italian Kitchen and surprisingly it turned out to be really fun.  I think it was the copious amounts of food and wine.  Then as luck would have it Uncle P stopped in to visit Sister so he came and joined me at the table for a drink.  After that we went to Monashee’s Vernon’s sort of most happening place and had a few drinks with some friends of his.  The most interesting part of the night was when a former High School crush came over and started talking to me.  I didn’t even know she was back in town as the last time that I’d ever seen her was a year out of High School and she was living in Victoria and taking Nursing.  Turns out she’s a Nurse now at the Vernon Hospital.  

I’m not sure if it’s a reaction to the alcohol from last night but I’m feeling kind of off today.  Emotionally that is.  Somewhat lonely and kind of depressed but not really lonely or depressed.  Learning to be alone with myself has been a good thing for me to learn of late.  I’m sitting here trying to figure out how to meet other guys my age in this town to hang out with who aren’t married or just plain losers but it’s really hard when I’m gone so much.  I’m really feeling the emptiness of my social life lately.  My friend Steve, one of my slightly older married friends, has organized a men’s night at my parents’ church tonight that I’m thinking of going to.  I don’t really know if there’s any point because I’m expecting all the men to be my Dad’s age but I suppose getting out of the house and hanging out with other guys will be good for me whatever their age.

Made it back from Vancouver in excellent time. Just about Summer driving conditions the whole way. Going to bed.

Vancouver Via Sicamous

Well I just got home from an early morning jaunt to Sicamous and now I’m jetting off to Vancouver to pick up my truck.  Unfortunately there is no time to visit as I pretty much get in my truck and drive home.  

Past couple of days have been pretty darn good.  Work started again and strangely enough I’m happy about that.  I’ve started seriously looking for sales jobs in Kelowna and area and there have been some fairly intriguing positions advertised.  I’ve started applying for some in the hopes of getting the hell away from doing this stupid go nowhere job I’m doing now (not that I’m not thankful for it).

The girl sent me an e-mail yesterday asking me “if there’s anything wrong” which I just can’t believe.  I hate the fact that she’s pretending she doesn’t have a clue.  I have just chosen to ignore it figuring that if she really wanted to talk she’d call… and I have call display.  Isn’t it amazing how you can go from being totally into someone to having them hurt you really badly and then just not wanting to see them anymore cause your afraid they’re going to hurt you again.  All the lessons I’ve learned over this last year have really helped cause I’m not getting bitter about this… rather I’m learning and moving on.

Birthday dinner was highly enjoyable... Now I think my waist size matches my age... Definitely time to start cutting back.

I had a great Birthday Dinner and now I think my age matches my waist size! Time to cut back.

Happy Birthday To ME!

Well another birthday is here and I’m thrilled to say I’m no longer 25. 25 sucked in the WORST way. Though I grew a lot as a person this year it’s been tough slogging.

Today I went for breakfast with Matthew and his Fiancé which was nice as I had not been able to visit with Fiancé during their very short trip. I was able to spend a good portion of yesterday with Matthew though and it was very enjoyable to chat and get caught up on many things.

After breakfast I stopped at Starbucks to see Sister and she made me a coffee with a caramel 26 on top. It was such a beautiful morning that after leaving Starbucks I called my friend Steve and asked if he’d like to go for a little hike in Kal Park. He said that would work fine so we spent a good couple of hours wandering down to Cousins bay and back.

As Steve lives in the same side of town as The Baron I went over to the house to get a couple jackets I’ll need for work. The Baron had a vicious migraine but we had coffee and visited a little anyway.

Leaving The Baron’s I went to Winfeild and retrieved my jacket and martini glasses from ‘her’ house. I made sure this was a very quick and painless visit by leaving the car running, door open, and stereo pounding which didn’t leave room open for conversation. I hope that someday we can be friends again but it sure isn’t going to happen for a while.

To be very honest I really just feel like getting very drunk right now (where’s a bottle of wine when you need one?) but I’ve got the family plus The Baron coming over for a Birthday dinner tonight. So I won’t be doing anything like that and I know that getting drunk wouldn’t help anyway. Being so much more emotionally aware than I used to be I’m trying to figure out what to do with the emotions I’m feeling and deal with them in a constructive manner but I can’t quite seem to be able to. My counsellor once advised me that sometimes the best course of action is to just explore the emotion. Don’t try and change it just become aware of it and learn from it so that the next time the same emotion won’t hit you so hard. I’m trying…

So Happy Birthday to Me! I already know without a doubt that this year is going to be better than the last.

I can't even describe the level of emotion I'm feeling right now. She fucking used me and I was to fucking dumb to realize anyone would do that to a friend who really, really cared for them. Guess I was wrong but it proves the point that sometimes Beauty is only skin deep. At least it was quick and painless. The Beautiful Girl / Lisa is no longer a part of my life... at least she won't be after I get some of my stuff back.

2005 Wrap Up

2005 has perhaps been the most brutal of my life in just about everyway.  Emotionally I feel like I’ve been torn apart and sewed back together again so many times that my emotions probably resemble an ugh patchwork quilt but surprisingly that quilt is really warm and seems to just about fit… most of the time.  I’ve been gay and then not.  I’ve been in destructive relationships and I think I’ve fallen in love.  I’ve been manipulated and taken advantage of.  I’ve been the recipient of incredible generosity and goodness.  Physically I’ve suffered from a series of extremely bad colds and of course endured the fabulous Mono episode.  I’ve worked at The Bay, Zellers, 1-800-Got-Junk, tried to get a job at Starbucks, took the summer off and found myself working for my Dad again driving all over Western Canada.  I’ve lived a dream of a life in Vancouver.  I’ve lived a nightmare of a life in Vancouver.  I found myself living in Vernon.  I’ve partied everywhere.  I’ve been depressed to the point of being suicidal; I’ve been deliriously happy.  I’ve relied heavily on friends and family.  I’ve come to appreciate both so much more.  I have two homes in the same town that I can go to whenever I want and yet I’m homeless.  I’ve been rich, poor and I’ve lived beyond my means.  I’m beyond glad that this year is over.

Above all 2005 has taught me that family really is the most important relationship in life.  Without the incredible love and support that my family has shown me this year I honestly don’t believe that I would be sitting here typing this.  Such a marked difference from how this year started I find it absolutely amazing.  So just for the record I just want to publicly state how much I love Dad, Mom and Sister.  Though we have gone through some incredibly rough times this year I wouldn’t trade where we are in our relationship as a family for anything.

Asses,GUESS who's!

Today The Beautiful Girl and I went shopping because I needed some clothes. Apparently I’ve gained a disgusting amount of weight recently. Christmas Eve I was completely distressed to find that the pants I wore everyday last year in Vancouver were tight enough that I was slightly embarrassed to be wearing them. Because of the fact that I wear a variation of two outfits while I’m on the road most of the time I really hadn’t noticed the weight gain. So anyway I used my MEXX gift card to buy two new pairs of jeans and a new sweater. So after New Years it’s time to cut WAY back. Although my Sister and Mom keep telling me that I needed to gain the weight.

After we finished at MEXX we went to Orchard Park to check out the new GUESS store and were highly amused to find an enormous selection of the sluttiest clothing in the Valley. One “skirt” was so short the “pockets” that were sewn onto the back were all that would be covering the poor wearers ass. Even the model wearing the "skirt" in the giant picture (similar to the one shown) had her ass hanging out. I’m sorry I’m a great fan of fashion and I usually think that lunatics like Wifey just need something to rant about when they yap away about how demeaning advertising can be but I actually agree this time. Those ads have gone a little far. Now I’m not even going to suggest anyone else not shop there… but I won’t until the campaign changes.

After gawking at GUESS we went to Costco and bought a bunch of Costco sized packages of appetizers for the New Years party. Yummy!

This evening I went to The Barons for egg nog lattes (yeah I know nothing like kicking up the ol’ calorie count some more, hell I have new BIGGER jeans now why not) and watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory for a bit.

Onward and Upward

I’m struggling a bit the past two days because I’m in such a transitional place, neither here nor there.  I went and got most of the things that I’ll need for the next little while from The Barons today as I’m going to be house sitting for my parents next door neighbours for the month of January as well as being on the road.  The whole homeless theme I seem to be experiencing lately is really getting old.  I believe that once I do have a place of my own again I’m going to enjoy it just that much more because of the experiences I’ve had of late.  In case I sound ungrateful I do want to make it clear that I’m extremely grateful that I have been able to stay in The Barons beautiful home for so long and I’ve enjoyed it immensely.

Other things that I am thinking about of late are the usual ones that seem to often go through my mind; mainly the cruel fact that because of my constant travelling I have no unmarried friends here.  I’ve been extremely lucky that since moving back I seem to have had a steady stream of visitors from all over but I have not met any new people at all.  Not surprising when there’s no way to be involved in much when I’m away so much.  I suppose I’m just being extra hard on myself (as always) and as usual I really want the progress of life to hurry the hell up.  On the other hand I need to take my counsellors advice and start living in the present because when I start thinking to much about the future it makes me freak out and compounds whatever emotional turmoil I’m feeling.  

Having gone back and read my journal posts from this same week last year I remember how brutal things were and how much things have changed for the better.  So even though I don’t feel like I’ve made much progress and still feel like I’m in the same place as ever… I know that I’m not.  Better place, much less difficult, far greater hope.  Not a bad way to end 2005.

I don't know what to do. I've been at my parents for the past few days and have enjoyed being here. Now I'm thinking it's time to go home, to The Barons, but I wonder if there's a point cause I'm going to be house sitting for my parents neighbours starting on the 29th so...

There are a couple things that I could do today. I've been planning on going to see Narnia for a while and now I've got the opportunity to go with two different groups. I can either go as the 5th wheel with two couples... or I can go with my parents... yay. Given the circumstances I'm going to go with my parents.

Yesterday my CD shopping consisted of The Legend of Cash and a Natalie Merchant Greatest Hits compilation. Cash is an excellent collection of his greatest hits.

Well now I'm off to my other home to get my gym clothes so I can go play racketball with my Dad this morning. I think that I'll be moving back home tonight... but really who knows.

All the more reason to have a firewall!

Ugh, Still Full...

I’m still full!  Wow, last nights dinner was so incredible.  I don’t think that I’ve over-eaten like that in years.  The Baron makes sour-cream potatoes the likes of which I’ve never had before.  Not to mention my Mother’s turkey which was absolutely amazing.  

Now in the final few days before New Years I really have no plans and I’m very much going to try and keep it that way.  I’m super excited that Matthew and his Fiancé are coming to town for a visit and I’m also looking forward to the New Years party Lisa and I are putting on.  As I’ve complained about before it’s generally quite difficult to get people to commit to coming to a New Years party and this is turning out to be no different.  The best excuse so far was the one I received today “Hey KS, we can’t make it your party I got my wife pregnant so she can’t drink!  Pretty cool though huh?”  So obviously I’m not to upset about that.  Either way I’m sure we’re going to have a great time.

The weather in Vernon has been particularly unseasonable lately as well.  Christmas Day was 8C which caused many people to complain that it “didn’t feel like Christmas”.  Frankly I’m not one of those people.  Overall I’m really quite happy about the lack of snow aside from the fact that I’m riding around on $500 worth of snow tires!

As today is Boxing day, or rather the beginning of Boxing Week as most retailers are calling it now, I may go out and do a bit of shopping.  I’d received a gift certificate for the music store in the Vernon Mall so I’m thinking about going out and picking up a couple new CD’s.  Tomorrow I’m taking Raph’s brother to Kelowna so he can do his Christmas shopping (he was really sick before Christmas) and so I can buy some new clothes at the MEXX store with my Christmas gift certificate.  

.

Best Christmas in years!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas from Vernon!  We actually celebrated Christmas last night with a party.  Every year we go to my parents church’s Christmas Eve Candle Light service and then we come home and gorge ourselves on appetizers, fondue cheese, dessert and wine.  This year we made the addition of Spiced Rum Eggnog.  In attendance were a few family friends, my Uncle and Grandmother, The Baron, P. Dhillon, and two friends of my Sisters.  We ate like pigs, drank like fish and laughed like loons.  All in all an absolutely fantastic Christmas, perhaps one of the best in years! Today because Sister is working at Starbucks, Mom and Dad getting the turkey ready to go to The Barons, and I’m sitting around drinking wine and eating left over appetizers from last night.

This year, as always, I was spoiled (not quite rotten) by Santa.  I had asked for a set of pots and pans for Christmas (eventually I’ll actually need them) and was thrilled to open a full set of Alfred Sung Home pots and pans!  I love the fact that now I’ll be able to cook stylishly.  

Perhaps the best part of today has been talking to numerous friends all over the country.  It always amazes me how many people I know across this great country of ours.  I’m so beyond happy that my two globe trotting friends Matthew and Raph are finally back here with their respective significant others.  I’m really looking forward to spending time with them again soon.  

With the very best wishes I’m sending Christmas Greetings to all and I hope that 2006 brings the greatest of happiness!

Early Christmas!

Today is the day that our family is going to be celebrating Christmas.  Sister has to work at Starbucks tomorrow so we’re going to take the time and open gifts and such today.  This evening is the Christmas Eve candle light service at my parents church and it’s become our family tradition to return home after the service and have a fondue with a few friends.  I actually started the fondue tradition at our house a few years ago because our family really doesn’t have many traditions and it was time to start some.  It’s kind of morphed into one of our favourite holiday events now as a result of the fact that dipping appetizers into hot cheese pretty much sums up the evening.  Another thing that I do for this evening is ensure that there is a bottle of Quail’s Gate Gewürztraminer around.  I have been saving the last two bottles from my case of wine just for this occasion all year now and I’m really looking forward to drinking them (although I don’t really want to share… is that bad?).  If I don’t update after tonight it’s because my arteries have completely clogged and I’ve had a heart attack and died.  But know this!  I died happy!

Port & Tort

Got to spend the day with Raph yesterday and we had a grand time.  Whenever people in Vernon get bored, want to go out for dinner, need to be entertained in general they do the natural thing and drive the 40 minutes to Kelowna.  So Kelowna is where we ended up.  It had been quite a while since Raph had been wine tasting, and let’s face it it’d been a while for me to, so we spent some quality time running around to different wineries.  Returning from Kelowna we went to his Mother’s place and made an amazing meal of fresh pasta with a home made tomato and bacon sauce along with a Caesar salad.  The real star of the evening though was the perfect pairing of Port & Tort.  Raph had given me a beautiful bottle of Taylor Tawny Port which I more than happily shared with everyone.  All in all a fantastic evening.

:D

Feeling more like myself, details to come.

Emotions Suck

It’s weird, there are people home that I really want to see and spend time with but I just find it to be incredibly emotionally taxing.  Matthew called tonight and though I’ve been dying to talk to him I just wasn’t in the right place mentally to be able to have a conversation.  Same with Raphael when he’s around.  Why am I so stressed by this?  I’m just going to chalk it up to an insane amount of change again and a seeming inability to handle it right now.

Cell Phone Sister!

Oh, I went for lunch with my Sister today and I got all pissy with her when she answered her phone and chatted with her new fling for 5 minutes (at the table, mid-conversation).  It’s not that I care if she talks to the guy I’m just sick of how she won’t listen to me and everything’s always about her.  If it’s not for her or about her she just doesn’t seem to care.  After I told her off I didn’t even feel guilty about it but I don’t think that she even got the message.  We’ll see.

The Christmas Season

The Christmas season is generally hard on people.  I feel like the Christmas Season is out to get me.  I’m not sure what it is about Christmas but I think it’s all the happy expectations that people put on it that really doesn’t give this poor season a chance.  If it’s not that it’s seeing all the happy people who have each other.  I’m really doing my best to look at Christmas as a non-threatening entity but it’s been rather tough.  Today something just set me off and I really wish that it could all be over with.  That and I’d really like to just go to sleep (and never wake-up but that’s another issue altogether) and wake up when it was all over.  Sitting here right now and re-reading that I realize how incredibly selfish and pathetic that sounds but hey we can all dream can’t we?  

Bah, there are just a couple things that are really bugging me today and I think that I’m pretty tired to so that’s it.  Good night.

Last night turned out to be quite busy. I went down to Kelowna to go to a party the Beatiful one had asked me if I wanted to go to. I turned out to be a third wheel as she'd also invited "The boy who wants to be my boyfriend" well turned out that "The boy who wants to be my boyfriend" seems like a very nice albeit very quiet guy. Knowing that I was going into a potentially awkward situation, I was a third wheel attending a birthday party for someone I'd never met, at a restaurant, I decided to make the most of it. I have to say I was on fire! Funny at all the right times and engaging. It helps to have a repetoire of work related stories to tell. So overall I ended up really enjoying myself.

I'm really glad that I went for another reason as well. "The boy who wants to be my boyfriend" was all over the Beatiful Girl and she was really ok with it. So know I know for sure and without a doubt that the signals she's sending are totally not to be read the way I was reading them. She's on the rebound, which is totally understandable, and I don't want to be one of 'those' guys.

After I got back from Kelowna Raphael and Wifey were here at the house, as we'd arranged to drink copious amounts of wine. So Raph and I worked our way through two bottles and I just really enjoyed being able to spend time with them. Found out that Wifey has THE GREATEST phone sex voice so I'm getting her to record my next voice mail message for me!

Dragons Slain

After an almost euphoric start to the day because I was foolishly so enamoured with thoughts of where the events of last night could / can go I slowly started coming back to earth.  Discussing the whole ‘Beautiful girl situation’ with a girlfriend she very much made me aware of the fact that The Girl is probably on the rebound and is probably not looking at our situation the way that I am.  As frustrating as this is to me I recognize that it’s likely true and I’m somewhat resigned to that fact.  At the same time I’m questioning myself as to whether I’m just avoiding a situation because I’m scared of it (fear, always fear, what is it with me?).  What to do, what to do?

Overall I’m very happy I’m not in the same frame of mind I was last year on this date.  Actually I’m counting this as a major milestone that I don’t feel the same emptiness that used to be so prevalent in my life.  I’ve found so much more within me that keeps me strong.  I guess I have slain a number of dragons in the past year.

Raphael is home!

Raphael is home!  YAY!  So far I’ve seen him for 15 minutes, which sucks, though I’m sure eventually we’re going to be able to hook up.  It seems that the older we get the harder it is to spend any proper time together.  Could be because he keeps leaving the ducking country (stop doing that for God sake!), regardless I’m looking forward to spending some much needed time with him soon.

Even though I didn’t really get to see Raphael last night all was not lost.  I was out spending time with The Beautiful one.  She makes me so happy I’m still smiling.  For anyone who’s interested Walk the Line is a fantastic movie which I give two enthusiastic thumbs up to.  She’s been very busy with planning our New Years party and from the sounds of her initial plans it’s going to be awesome!  

It was brought to my attention that about a year ago I was working with an amazing little lady but I NEVER mentioned her in my blog.  Well just for the record Chris, this is your mention and I’ve never been so happy working with someone while in such a terrible situation.  You’re honestly absolutely amazing!

ARGH!

The girl situation is stressing me out!

Oh, I bought a pick sweater in Vancouver! Everyone is wearing pink this season and as luck would have it I had bought a pink, white and red striped collared shirt that goes phenomenally with it this spring! So consider this fair warning if I show up somewhere wearing a bubblegum pink cotton sweater :)

After crashing at my parents house this afternoon and sleeping for a few hours I've come back home and am working at getting my stuff unpacked and getting myself organized (yeah, right!).

Got two more letters from ICBC (the Government agency I love to hate second most, I hate the Medical Services Plan agency even more for various reasons) while I was gone. In it's usual typical contradictory fashion the two letters made no sense when read together. One began by thanking me for being a Valued Customer in big bold print, the other made no such mention of me being a Valued Customer and insisted that I pay X amount of $$$ to pay off my points. Which bring me to another thing. What the fuck is the deal with license points! If I pay the fucking speeding ticket in time and in full that should be the end of it! None of this 'Oooohhh, we've decided that we're going to fine you more money at the end of the year because you got more than one speeding ticket!' Fucking cash grab that's what I say! Just up the price of the speeding ticket so that it's all said and done all at once. Fucking ICBC! So there you have it folks, the first true rant in a long time. I'm only posting it because I think The Baron is quite sick of hearing me bitch about it. So now it's posted and I'm done. Well just about... FUCK YOU ICBC!

Vancouver Aftermath

After an incredibly tiring and super fun weekend I’m back home.  Vancouver was phenomenal as I got to see a large number of friends.  I stayed with Peter and Blake who live on Haro St. which is just behind Robson.  Talk about a fantastic place to stay when visiting.  Both Peter and Blake worked at different times throughout the weekend but we had a party on Saturday night that was well attended by my friends.  My friend May was planning on “just stopping by after work for about 20 mins” and finally left at 130 in the morning after.  Got to see a number of the few remaining awesome people from The Bay – Oakridge and spend time visiting and just enjoying being around them.  I was also really happy to finally spend some quality time with Marcie and she was amazing (as usual) and came to pick me up from Surrey on Saturday morning then took me to the airport this morning which was very much appreciated.

Arriving home this morning my Dad and I were talking on the way home about my trip and some of my feeling about being in Vancouver and leaving after such a short time.  I can honestly say that I am extremely thankful that I was able to go down and I had an absolute blast but I am happy that I live in the Valley.  The main thing about being down there is that it’s SO expensive.  That and it’s just SO tempting to get into shopping spree mode.  Aside from that though it’s just amazing to me how people down there seem so stressed.  Even while they’re playing they’re stressed.  True I bitch and whine about the Valley being to laid back all the time but the constant stress for no reason just isn’t worth it.

A final thought on my trip.  I realized just how many amazing friends I have down there.  All of you are so unique and amazing and I miss all of you frequently.  Thanks for being there and don’t forget the Okanagan is only a 4 hour drive!

*One more day ‘till Raphael gets home!

Finally Vancouver

Finally Vancouver, of course it was an ordeal getting here.  Not even going to bother getting into it.

So I went to buy my Sister’s Christmas present today and was going to get her a beautiful necklace that I spent about a $100 on.  Well as we continued to shop we went into another accessories store and THERE WAS A KNOCK OFF OF THE NECKLACE FOR $32!  I promptly took the necklace back and bought something else.  I was so angry though cause it was beautiful.  

Anyway have seen some friends already and will be seeing plenty more of them.  So far it’s been a good start to the weekend.

Have to say I’m happy not to be living here anymore though.

Is that... Curry?

I’m feeling pretty good.  I swear if it wasn’t -16 and I wasn’t in a hotel room there’d be a blue bird twittering on my shoulder (not that, that wouldn’t annoy the hell out of me effectively cancelling the good mood).  The end of Castlegar is in site.  In two sleeps I’ll be in Vancouver.

I’m really excited about The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe and I’m expecting to go and see it at some point with Raph and Wifey while they are back in Vernon (so if your reading this don’t you two dare go without me!).  Last time I saw a movie with those two was the final Lord of the Rings right before they up and moved to Holland.  

Today I had the rest of the Indian food for lunch and of course there is a bit of a story to go along with it.  As it’s -16 here and I had left the food in the cab of my truck overnight it was pretty cold by the time that I was ready for lunch today.  So not having a microwave I did what any normal person would do and placed the foam container full of fragrant food on the floor in front of my space heater.  Now as time went on and the heater slowly did its new job of warming my lunch the aroma of curry started to fill my truck.  So here I was, a really white, blond guy, sitting in a mobile office at Cominco in Trail, REEKING of curry!  Wouldn’t you know it the first guy to walk in at this point was East Indian!  Moments after a Caucasian man followed right on his heels and of course both of them can smell the curry but they can’t see the curry and why would a blond white boy have curry in his truck?  So the Caucasian thinks it’s the East Indian, the East Indian can’t figure out what the hell is going on and I just keep grinning like a fool.  All in all a very funny situation.

*I just talked to The Baron and I’m not in fact moving out for the month of December.  My current living arrangement will continue as is. *

The Indian Restaurant In Castlegar

The Indian Restaurant in Castlegar is fantastic (there’s a statement I never thought I would be making)!  After my 10 hour day today I scooched off to the restaurant and sample their food.  I’m very glad that I did.

So Edmonton has been cancelled.  Essentially I looked at my financial goals at this time and realized that a trip to Edmonton was not going to help me achieve them.  Thankfully the Beautiful Girl is ok with that and we’ve resumed our plans for a party at her place.

Throughout the day I think of various interesting things to write about but by the time I get back to the hotel I’m just to tired to remember what those interesting things were.  Sorry.

Meh

I am officially sick of Trail.  The job is going really slow which always makes it just about unbearable.  Thankfully I have my laptop with me and a supply of DVD’s.  In the past week I’ve watched about 7 movies.  Today I found out that the trip has been extended by yet another day which really irritates me because it means that my time in Vancouver will be cut short.

Killin' Time

As I sit here in my hotel room in Castlegar I’m bored and not enjoying the fact that I’m sitting in a hotel room in Castlegar.  So naturally I start thinking about a new job.  Surfing the net for jobs just sucks.  There is absolutely NOTHING out there that a) is of interest to me, b) is worth the money or c) I am qualified for.  Sure if I wanted to be a 7/11 retail clerk I’m sure I could do that but why in hell would I be looking for a job as a 7/11 clerk on the web!  Yeesh.

The Colander

My co-worker and I went to The Colander today for supper.  Result, I have a tummy full of yummy pasta, chicken, and jo-jo’s (fried potatoes).  My tummy is happy so I’m happy.

I’m getting tres excited for Vancouver.  It’s only for the weekend but damned if I ain’t gonna make the most of it.  Peter is having a party and told me to invite some friends so now I’m REALLY looking forward to it.

Tomorrow’s my day off (finally) so I’m looking forward to sleeping in and not doing much.  I’ll have to do some laundry and some truck maintenance but otherwise filling my time is the order of the day.  It’s -7C here and it’s supposed to get colder… frankly I’m scared (.

I’ve been reading a book of my Mother’s this week.  It’s called The New Birth Order Book and it’s actually surprisingly interesting.  For first-born’s, like me, it talks about how we often struggle with perfectionism.  Well being the first born or two intense first-borns with Serious perfectionism issues I am what is classified as a frustrated perfectionist.  Frustrated because I have all these ideas of what I “should be” but am not.  Now I just have to work on realizing that what I “should be” is insane and not realistic.  Be happy with who you are life is so much easier.

Hitting the... Trail!

I don’t know what it is about terribly old, run down buildings that fascinates me but I have a really strange feeling when I’m around them. At the moment it’s 630 on Saturday morning and I’m sitting at Teck Cominco in Trail.  Some of the buildings here are astonishing to look at.  Perhaps it is their pure defiance to old age and their insistence of being useful that gives them their aura, or most likely it’s the fact that many of them were build up to a hundred years ago out of brick and include lovely dormer windows and little details that are lost on most new buildings built for industrial sites.  Granted most people who come to and work at Cominco call the place an ugly shit hole but I believe there really is more to see it just happens to be under the surface.

I haven’t had the energy in the past few days to write.  By the time I get back to the hotel (which yes, does have wireless internet!) I’m completely exhausted.  We start our morning at 500 everyday and usually don’t get back to the hotel until about 630 that night.  Seems rather long and I assure you it is.

While pondering what my next career move is going to be I’ve been increasingly thinking about sales again.  Not specifically consumer sales mind you but rather sales from a supply end.  I’ve always known I’d be good at this but frankly the thought of being on commission terrifies me.  The ‘what ifs’ are absolutely staggering.  Just another dragon to be slain; of course the simple fact that I know this is just an irrational fear helps to take away the dragons claws… but his fire breathing capabilities are still more than capable.

I’m dying for a cup of Starbucks coffee!  Hell any decent coffee would do about now.  I don’t know why because I rarely if ever drink caffeinated coffee but I just love the taste.  So the simple fact that I’ve been craving Starbucks is a strange mystery to me.

Slaying Dragons

Why am I so afraid?  The more I find out about myself the more I recognize fear and doubt in my life.  I really do let fear control me more than anyone should.  What am I afraid of?  Much of the time I’m afraid of failing, looking stupid, not measuring up, taking a risk.  I hate this about myself and I really need to change it.  

Anytime I start or do something new I’m hit with such a crippling fear I invariably set myself up for a fall.  Over the years I think I’ve sub-consciously let this rule me in such a way that I’ve stopped taking risks or doing things that could ultimately benefit me because I’m so scared of the worst possible outcome.  Take it from me this is a horrible way to live.  Not only does it cause a lot of doors to close to you but it also stunts your emotional growth.  Fear and apathy are two of my worst enemies and I’m about to start slaying the dragon… now if only I could get someone to hold my hand while I do it things would be so much easier!

This Just In

This Just In!

I’m getting Fat!  Now to look at me most people would scoff at me for that statement.  But honestly it’s happening I’ve got this layer of fat that’s growing on my stomach and it’s making me crazy.  ARGH!

Oh God Im half drunk

Oh God I’m half drunk and I’m baby sitting my Mother’s dog.  I think he wants me to hold him but I’m not sure it could be a cleaver ruse to get my Michalina’s Bowl that I just made.  Fuck you Dog!

Yes, the adventures of god sitting have only just begun and I just took over caring for the little bastard.  I took him with me to The Barons house because I needed get my clothes and bathroom stuff.  After he thoroughly misbehaved we left with everything I had and needed.  Well The Baron called me later and said I see you were here.  Well yeah!  So you brought Benny with you?  Yeah how’d you know?  It seems that he left The Baron a little gift in front of the washer and dryer.  OMG I’m SO embarrassed.  Seriously I can’t believe the little bastard did that!  I’m so sorry.  Apparently it’s not a problem after all though.  

Speaking of not a problem after all though… Apparently it shouldn’t be a big deal if we have the New Years Party at the house after all.  Turns out that it was just a big mis-communication.  We’re gonna talk about it but I’m not sure if we’re gonna do it now after all.  Ya see the Beautiful Girl and I went out for coffee today and were talking about the whole thing.  She mentioned that before she broke up with previous bf she was (ok, it’s insane to me that bf doesn’t show up on spell checker on Word!?) going to go to Edmonton for Christmas.  Well I happened to mention that Raphael and Wifey had pseudo invited us for New Years.  Turns out she’s REALLY hot on the idea.  So instead of throwing our own party we may travel to Edmonton for New Years and make Raph and Wifey entertain us!  Yeah, totally new but I’m excited about the prospect.

Ah, What's the point?

Feeling rather down.  Reading an article in McLeans magazine yesterday on depression really got me thinking about the issue again for the first time in a long time.  Reading the experiences of these people was something that I really identified with.  It sucks but it’s an issue that I’ll just have to deal with.  I think the only way I can really and fully describe what I’m feeling / feel is just a sense of utter hopelessness.  I don’t want to think about Narcissus, because there’s no way I’ll ever get it off the ground / it’ll just ruin me if I do etc.  The future is just full of shit, taxes, payments, no escape from the rat race.  Finances are really weighing heavily on me at this point too, but I think that’s a result of the depression.  This time it’s stranger than times before though because I’m reasonably happy on the surface… the hopelessness just lurks in the background.  Where it always is…

Tired!

Being excessively tired makes it really hard to control my emotions.  Today I think I’ve run the full gamut.  From extreme happiness to utter despair, anger and apathy, it’s all been done.  In short this sucks but at least I know what’s going on.  As stupid as it may be it’s taken a long time to get to this point where I’ve figure this out.

God, what a day!

My day today started at 330AM.  I had to be at a job in Kelowna at 5 which necessitated the early start.  Overall I’m still doing fine and the only reason I’m not in bed right now is because I know that if I do go to bed super early it’ll totally throw my sleep schedule for the rest of the week right out the window.  So tired…

Ding Dong, the fries are gone.

Ding, Dong!  He’s FINALLY Gone!  Hallelujah.  The Brother-in-law is back on a bus to Calgary.  May God be with him… and those on the bus.

So today I thought that I was supposed to be in Trail.  Turns out that I’m not there until next week, oops!  I was actually scheduled for Revelstoke this morning and as luck would have it I didn’t start ‘till 9 so everything worked out really well as I was planning on being on the road to Trail by 7 anyway.  Just really confusing to try and figure out why you’re not going where you thought you were supposed to be going.

Feeling rather strange today actually, come to think of it the strange feeling started last night.  Feel rather like I used to when I was on the verge of emotionally crashing, but nowhere near the same extent.  Now I know that I can choose not to “go there” and let my emotions flay me alive.  Now I just need to figure out why I feel… off, and deal with it.

I hear that Wifey is back in the country and I’m anxiously awaiting a phone call to confirm… wondering why I haven’t received that call yet?  :P

Well I’m taking The Baron to a sports bar for supper because they honestly have the most amazing burgers in the city and that’s what he has a craving for tonight.  I for one have decided that it’s time to stop eating mass amounts of crap while on the road.  This is the first year that I’ve been working on the road that I’ve really just let everything go in terms of what I’ve been eating.  I’ve even been eating fries *gasp!* this last while.  This is something new for me as I’ve always made sure that I avoid them while I’m on the road in order to avoid a growing gut.  So it’s “Can I get a salad with that” from now on.  I’ve got to slow the growth of this gut or my Dad will be completely unable and utterly excused for telling me that I’m going to look like him soon if I don’t watch it.  (

Random Thoughts

I spent tonight with Ruth.  Yesterday I was feeling really badly about her leaving and I basically allowed myself to mourn her ‘passing’ but I’m totally over it now.  It’s weird actually because prior to learning that it’s completely normal for a person to feel sadness ect, when a friend leaves I would have just suppressed the feelings and probably got more and more angry at her for leaving.  Finally that anger would have caused me to completely lose all contact with her and cease to desire to have her around at all.

Tomorrow I’m going to be getting ready for a 10 day trip to Trail where I’ll be working at Teck Cominco.  I’m hoping that I’ll have internet access at my hotel, because hey it’s not Alberta, but you just never know.

For all you Vancouver people out there get ready for a visit!  I’ll be working out when I’ll be coming down tomorrow as well.  I’m going to be taking the new truck down for some more work on it and then flying home after hopefully spending a few days down there.  Not looking forward to the expense though.  

I bought my baby new booties today.  Just over $500 but apparently they’re awesome tires and I supposedly got a smoking deal on them.  Just looking at them you’d think I’d be able to climb walls with them so they should be great on ice and snow.

Getting really frustrated with the planning for New Years.  We were originally wanting to get a cabin at a ski hill but decided that getting people to commit would be to hard and we didn’t want to get stuck with a huge bill.  Then The Baron said we could have the party here at the house but some different friends said they for sure had a cabin at Big White booked.  Turns out later that they don’t now and unfortunately it seems The Baron has changed his plans and maybe having a get together or something here after all so, so far my party is homeless.  I’m quite frustrated about it because the whole point of working on this early is so that New Years won’t SUCK!  Now it has the potential to suck.  MUST FIGURE SOMETHING OUT!  Any ideas let me know!

Just so you all know I've found what I deem to possibly be the best blog on the web. Thourghly enjoyable Check it out!

The next Winter Blockbuster I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE! Narnia! Check it out.

Happy Harry Potter Day!

I just returned home from watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.  Just like the book it’s definitely the best movie so far.  Absolutely incredible computer animation and the editing is fantastic as well.  Even though, for obvious reasons, the story had a number of parts cut out of it, it flowed fantastically and you really didn’t miss a huge amount of things that they cut.  Two thumbs WAY up!

Ok, things with Ruth are good again. I'm uber sad that she is leaving and in a strange way I feel abandoned. Probably because I'm the only one here. There's just been way to much emotion going through my system this week. To much stuff for me to process and handle all at once. I hate the cyclical nature of life. You have a period of excellent time where everything goes right and your happy and such... and then the inevitable crash. I think the crashes are finally starting to shorten and seem to be much more infrequent but they're still there and hard to take. I'm going to bed.

Frustrated II

The Borsch was amazing.

I’m even more frustrated now.  The girl just called and asked me if I wanted to join her in Kelowna at the Just for Laughs festival as she’d come across some tickets.  I can’t because Ruth is here.  *grunt of frustration*

It's Borsch Night!

Just made two enormous pots of Borsch, as I invited my family over to The Baron’s place for supper.  Hope he doesn’t mind as I just called him and told him they were coming!  I kind of screwed up the recipe a bit but not enough that I think anyone will actually notice… at least I hope they won’t.  So tonight will be full of Borsch and The Baron’s self-proclaimed ‘World Famous Herb Bread’, which actually is really good.

Ruth is coming for dinner and she’s still acting strange.  I’m frustrated with her right now but just keep telling myself to enjoy her company while I still can.

Actually I seem to be frustrated in general right now.  Don’t know why but whatever.

OMG It's finally been confirmed!

Careful the Dance Floor's Slippery!

Wow, what a day already!  I woke up this morning at 515 (about 15 minutes earlier than I usually do) to download Confessions on a Dance Floor, the newest release from Madonna on iTunes, so I could listen to it in the truck this morning.  Well everything worked as it was supposed to and I happily burned to CD.  Then I got ready and went out to the car only to discover that it was snowing.

Long story short got up to the office and picked up my truck.  Driving through town was thinking ‘wow this is slippery’.  Got onto the highway and noticed people were driving way to fast for current road conditions.  Then as I was passing a Mustang, that obviously wasn’t ready for winter conditions, doing about 60kms/hr the driver lost control and HIT ME!  Yeah, go figure.  So I pulled over, to check damage and such, opened the door and promptly lost my footing because of the ice.  I ended up hanging off the door of the truck for a few seconds before I balanced.  The damage to my truck involved a scrape where about two inches of paint came off.  The Mustang however was not so fortunate as his bumper is going to have to be replaced.  So I decided it would be prudent to re-schedule this morning’s work and go home until people remember how to drive in snow.  It’s funny you’d think that it would be the big trucks that have problems driving in snow but it’s not.  It’s the jack-asses in passenger vehicles and pick-up trucks who think they’re great drivers who cause accidents.  Coming through town on the way back to the office this pickup truck in front of me was going so fast he was fish tailing all over the place when he stopped to turn I couldn’t resist and lowered my window and gave him the finger.  That’s when I noticed he was drinking coffee while he drove badly.  Unbelievable I know but true!

PS – Confessions on a dance floor is in my opinion one of Madonna’s best releases in years!

Breakthrough!

I’m writing this because I feel that it’s important for me to remember.

Last night I had a pretty major breakthrough that actually helped me understand everything that happened this weekend.  While talking to my counsellor on the phone I was telling him all the things that I had written down here the other night.  When I finished going through the three major events of the weekend he shared his thoughts.  What he pointed out was that each of the three events had something to do with personal value.  Explaining that a little further:

Brother-in-law – This situation actually had nothing to do with the Brother-in-law.  The reason I got so violently upset about this whole situation was not the person but rather the subject.  The poor guy accidentally touched on a subject that was causing / is causing me a lot of pain.  Upon exploring the issue further I why it was that church / Christians have caused me so much pain for so long, hindering my ability to forgive and move on.  I have always felt taken advantage of by the church because when I have been involved I have always worked extremely hard at whichever task has been given to me but I have always been doing these tasks for the wrong reasons.  Thinking that maybe if I do things for people they will notice my contribution and I would become a valued member of the congregation.  Because you can never buy your way into any social group with any sincerity this tactic obviously didn’t work.

Truck – Because I didn’t get the new truck I interpreted that as “You don’t matter to me (my Dad) or the company.  You don’t do a good enough job to deserve the new truck”  Again I didn’t feel valued.  Of course my interpretation was totally wrong and was in fact not intended to be a slight.  In fact in my Father’s usual dense ways he didn’t even realize this was an issue.

Ruth – By not informing me of her plans or thoughts before she made arrangement to leave I interpreted this as ‘I don’t value your friendship’.  This I hope is not the case and I suspect that it isn’t but that’s what got me going.

I have to say Counsellor really earned his pay this week.  Having his unbiased view of why these events threw me into such a tailspin was a saving grace.  Of course now that I fully understand the issue myself it makes so much sense as it affects me in so many ways.  Not having a personal sense of being ‘valuable’ as a person has really affected everything in my life.  Talk about contributing factor to low self-esteem and lack of confidence.