Breakthrough!

I’m writing this because I feel that it’s important for me to remember.

Last night I had a pretty major breakthrough that actually helped me understand everything that happened this weekend.  While talking to my counsellor on the phone I was telling him all the things that I had written down here the other night.  When I finished going through the three major events of the weekend he shared his thoughts.  What he pointed out was that each of the three events had something to do with personal value.  Explaining that a little further:

Brother-in-law – This situation actually had nothing to do with the Brother-in-law.  The reason I got so violently upset about this whole situation was not the person but rather the subject.  The poor guy accidentally touched on a subject that was causing / is causing me a lot of pain.  Upon exploring the issue further I why it was that church / Christians have caused me so much pain for so long, hindering my ability to forgive and move on.  I have always felt taken advantage of by the church because when I have been involved I have always worked extremely hard at whichever task has been given to me but I have always been doing these tasks for the wrong reasons.  Thinking that maybe if I do things for people they will notice my contribution and I would become a valued member of the congregation.  Because you can never buy your way into any social group with any sincerity this tactic obviously didn’t work.

Truck – Because I didn’t get the new truck I interpreted that as “You don’t matter to me (my Dad) or the company.  You don’t do a good enough job to deserve the new truck”  Again I didn’t feel valued.  Of course my interpretation was totally wrong and was in fact not intended to be a slight.  In fact in my Father’s usual dense ways he didn’t even realize this was an issue.

Ruth – By not informing me of her plans or thoughts before she made arrangement to leave I interpreted this as ‘I don’t value your friendship’.  This I hope is not the case and I suspect that it isn’t but that’s what got me going.

I have to say Counsellor really earned his pay this week.  Having his unbiased view of why these events threw me into such a tailspin was a saving grace.  Of course now that I fully understand the issue myself it makes so much sense as it affects me in so many ways.  Not having a personal sense of being ‘valuable’ as a person has really affected everything in my life.  Talk about contributing factor to low self-esteem and lack of confidence.