Ok, I think I'm starting to lose it. Lexi is going to go and get some piercings done this afternoon (don't ask) and she made the off-hand comment that maybe I should to. While of course I stated 'no way' as soon as she said it but then while I was at the gym the thought suddenly came to me 'Why not?!'. So for some reason I'm now considering if I want to get the top of my ear pierced. First I dye my hair red then I get a piercing? Who the hell am I and why am I doing these weird things all of the sudden? While of course as I'm working out I'm thinking these things to myself and I'm furiously trying to connect the dots.

What is it that I'm trying to change and will outward appearances do it or is it something deeper within myself? While of course it's something deeper within myself but what. Is putting another hole in my head really going to do anything or change anything. Will I enjoy it or feel mildly foolish about it like my hair. I think it's possibly the image that I've portrayed for so long that I'm trying to change but now what image is it that I should be portraying. This is the current question on my mind. Who know's maybe I'll get a piercing today...

I am officially irritated. After watching The Incredibles tonight I saw a trailer for The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy! Now this in itself was enough to get me very excited and run to the computer to check out the web-site (http://hitchhikers.movies.go.com) what I found there was very, very disappointing. Zaphod only has ONE HEAD! What the HELL! So after looking over the site and the cast and characters I have to say that even though this is one of my all time favourite books I do believe that I will be skipping this movie as I'm sure it's going to be a collosal disappointment.

Well I had dinner with the Baroness. It was actually quite pleasant. We went for Indian food in a little place in my neighbourhood that I didn't even know existed before this. So it was quite nice.

Feeling like shit today. I went and volunteered at my local MLA's re-election campaign office this afternoon for a couple of hours. I figure that it's a good way of networking and meeting people who maybe able to help me at some point in this job search. That and it helped to take my mind off of the actual business of finding a job for a while.

Well I didn't get the job. They wanted someone with more experience.



Now what?



I think I'll just start applying everywhere for anything and see what sticks.

Nope the fucker isn't gonna let me post! Very irritated now that I downloaded the special program and everything. Oh well I'll try and figure it out tomorrow. Till then I'll link ya'll to my telus photo album where the pic is.

http://myphotosite.telusmobility.com/mytm/control/photosite/6049992598@telusmobility?lang=EN

Enjoy.

Ok, let's see if this works!

Oh I forgot to mention that I learned a new lesson this weekend. Never go to the hairdresser while thinking your going to try and start re-inventing yourself again. If you do and your like me your gonna come out of there with red highlights in your hair! Yeah, for some reason I was feeling adventurous and decided that copper coloured highlights would look good in my hair. So I asked her if she could do it. Well turns out she can! It's gonna take some getting used to. On the plus side it makes me look like I have a tan!

Re-inventing oneself. What does that look like exactly? I'm definetely in the mood to do so and change everything about me but how exactly? Now true I think that I've sucessfully done that this past year just with the whole coming out thing and all but now I'm wanting to change again. I'm sure this is really a desperate attempt to find myself but what insane direction is it going to take me this time? Maybe I'll start getting piercings and start smoking copious amounts of pot. Hmmm yes maybe. Maybe instead of stopping with the red highlights I should grow my hair into dreds. God I wish I knew what I wanted. I'm pretty sure actually that it's not really anything outward that is needing to change. It's all internal which makes it that much harder. Hmm I should try and figure out how to post a pic of my new red hair on here.

Well I'm back in Van and my trip home was good. Very uneventful and very quite exactly how I wanted it to be. It's odd though how every one of the books that I'm reading right now tells me that it can be traumatic to go back home for people dealing with the issues I'm dealing with and as far as I can tell they're right. Christmas was probably one of the most traumatic experiences I've ever had and from the stories that I hear from some of my friends and acquaintances I would have to say it is true... homosexuals don't like being in their childhood homes. So I was thrilled to come back here.

Today was basically a waste of a day again. Well that's how my days are feeling anyway because looking for jobs now a days is definitely not what I think it used to be. I think there's this romantic vision most people have, I think, of looking for a job involving a folded up newspaper scribbled all over in red pen at a cheap coffee joint. Now a days everything's done on the internet. Employers don't want to have anything to do with you if you walk into their office and ask to submit a resume. Most of the time it just goes straight to the receptionist who then passes it on. At least with e-mail your resume should be going to the person who is actually going to make a decision.

Being that I have been applying mostly with recruiters, which seems to be about the only option available at most job finding related web-sites, I would have thought I would have had more responses by now. True it's only the second Monday after a short week but I'm feeling a little down. I really hope that the position I met with the recruiter for last week works out. The recruiter figured the company would be calling me either today or tomorrow. Well I didn't hear from them today so that leaves tomorrow.

Tomorrow I'm going for supper with the Baroness. It's been a long time since I've seen her, indeed I believe the last time I saw her was just after Rapheal's wedding. Unfortunately the last number of times that I've seen her I've been rather tense. But having gone through some rather intense situations this last year I feel as though I maybe can relate a bit better with her now so I'm hoping that conversation during supper will be good.

Well I'm back in Van and my trip home was good. Very uneventful and very quite exactly how I wanted it to be. It's odd though how every one of the books that I'm reading right now tells me that it can be traumatic to go back home for people dealing with the issues I'm dealing with and as far as I can tell they're right. Christmas was probably one of the most traumatic experiences I've ever had and from the stories that I hear from some of my friends and acquaintances I would have to say it is true... homosexuals don't like being in their childhood homes. So I was thrilled to come back here.

Today was basically a waste of a day again. Well that's how my days are feeling anyway because looking for jobs now a days is definitely not what I think it used to be. I think there's this romantic vision most people have, I think, of looking for a job involving a folded up newspaper scribbled all over in red pen at a cheap coffee joint. Now a days everything's done on the internet. Employers don't want to have anything to do with you if you walk into their office and ask to submit a resume. Most of the time it just goes straight to the receptionist who then passes it on. At least with e-mail your resume should be going to the person who is actually going to make a decision.

Being that I have been applying mostly with recruiters, which seems to be about the only option available at most job finding related web-sites, I would have thought I would have had more responses by now. True it's only the second Monday after a short week but I'm feeling a little down. I really hope that the position I met with the recruiter for last week works out. The recruiter figured the company would be calling me either today or tomorrow. Well I didn't hear from them today so that leaves tomorrow.

Tomorrow I'm going for supper with the Baroness. It's been a long time since I've seen her, indeed I believe the last time I saw her was just after Rapheal's wedding. Unfortunately the last number of times that I've seen her I've been rather tense. But having gone through some rather intense situations this last year I feel as though I maybe can relate a bit better with her now so I'm hoping that conversation during supper will be good.

I'm preparing to go home for the weekend. Mentelly as well as physically. I think this is going to be a fairly traumatic visit. After perhaps the most intense counselling session I've ever had last night I thought I was going to die (and still kinda wish I would). Picking away at the layers that make up me has been like pulling off a scab and then finding another scab underneath. The pain is so intense I can't even believe it's there.

Day 1 finally over. Feeling very anxious and terrified that my resume is crap. Terrified of writing a cover letter. Everyone seems to have different ideas of what a resume should look like. Want to get the sucker completed ASAP so I can start distributing it. Feel like I should just dive right into the job search but really what does that mean and how is that accomplished without a proper resume. Well I think it's proper so now I'm just nit-picking it to death! Argh I hate my insecurity.

Got a phone call from the leader of the coming out of coming out group tonight. He said that they had missed me last week (after a counselling session with my counsellor on Wednesday where he asked me why I went if I didn't want to and I didn't have an answer for him so I decided not to go on Thursday) and wanted to know if the group was for me or not as I wasn't appearing very interested. I told him that I didn't think that it was and that I would happily return the book to him. So now I've been rejected once again. Ironically now that I'm an unemployed loser I may actually feel as though I would have belonged in that group (ohhh that was nasty).

For better of for worse I'm going to go home for Easter this coming weekend. I don't know if this is really the best place for me to go but I need to get out of here. I can't handle being here and all of the pressure that's going on right now. I feel as though I'm just out of the gate and life is trying to trip me and break my legs. I suppose the only thing that I have to cling to is that God is still arranging things for something bigger and better. I wish that was actually comforting.

Ok, now I'm starting to freak-out a bit! Waking up this morning it fully hit me that I don't have a job to go to. In one sense I feel like a kid again and it's Summer Vacation... the other more powerful sense is telling me to go for a swim into the Ocean and not stop. No, that's silly.

It's really strange how thinking about it now I have never gone without a job for any length of time since I was 14. True there were semesters at school where I was not working but I was in school full-time taking six courses so there wasn't much time for that. Other than that my job or schooling has been a big contributor in the way that I defined who I am. Now that, that is gone... well that's why I'm in counselling anyway, to figure out who I am and what makes me up. This is going to be great for my self-discovery.

So I'm sitting here trying to make up a to do list of tasks that will keep me busy and help accomplish my goal of getting a job. I'm thinking about going around my neighbourhood and dropping off resume's at various video stores and other types of businesses. My thinking behind this is that if I can get a part-time job that will keep me busy in the evenings as well as help me meet other people from my neighbourhood that will be a good thing. Seeing as since I moved here 10 months ago I have met very few people and know just about no one I didn't know since before I moved here.

I'm freaking out here. This really is a scary process. There is so much riding on my next moves. Thank God I only have myself to worry about.

Yes my post yesterday was serious. I really am unemployed. As is typical with me the feelings didn't surface until later in the evening and now today. Physically I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. Not pleasant, but I'm still serious when I say that I'm relieved this is over. I was given 4 weeks severance pay and then another amount for my moving costs from the Okanagan.

Well the nightmare is over. I was terminated from my job less than an hour ago. I was told that I was performing at a good level and that I was well liked by the Associates in the store but that I lacked a level of dedication that a store Manager would need to display. Ironically the last line of my termination letter was "On behalf of the Company, I would like to thank you for your service and dedication to the Hudson's Bay Company."

I don't really know what I'm feeling right now. I'm calm, relieved, upset, defeated and kinda scared. I feel as though I'm walking towards the sun at dawn. It's still dark... and will possibly be for a while but things are going to get brighter. Hopefully my next job won't involve weekends or 10+ hour days.

Last night was the night of the fucked up Zellers shoppers! Seems they all wanted to scream at a Manager. Guess who that was :S One lady insisted on speaking to the Manager when I told her she was she said no your not! I don't want to speak to another Sales Clerk I want to speak to the Manager. I said "Ma'am I know I'm the Manager, my staff know I'm the Manager and... I'm still not giving you a discount on that watch!" She huffed and she puffed... and she told me she was going to call district office and complain. I handed her a pen and said I'd get her the number! She told me she didn't have time she'd find it later. Later she calls back and was nice as pie and tried to tell me the cashier had screwed up on her receipt and charged her too much. I pulled her receipt up and told her that it looked ok to me but if she wanted she was welcome to bring everything back and we'd double check it. Needless to say we didn't see her today. Remind me sometime and I'll tell you all about the bitch with the wheelbarrow. That happend last night to! So much fun packed into one night. You can hardly imagine.

Hey, hey! Sorry to have kept you hanging with that last post. The next morning I woke up feeling much better. I'm still having some struggles though with self-esteem and just feeling low in general. I have gone to the naturalpath again just a few days ago and my mood is great though. It's interesting how sometimes your feeling great emotionally but mentally your just not all quite where your emotions dictate would be a logical place. I would assume that both mental and emotional health should be interconnected but that doesn't always seem to be the case. Regardless I'm bouncy and happy.

I finally met with the other counsellor that I wanted to try and I think I've got a match. He's an older gentleman who I just immediately felt at ease with. Really nice guy and he's expressed his willingness to walk with me through whatever comes up in the next while. I was really releaved that he is willing to muddle through things with me at the beginning at least. I don't really have any clear / set goals that I want to achieve through this counselling process aside from finding out who I am. Who is me, what are my deeply held beliefs, what makes me act and re-act the way that I do? Just talking to him already he made a very interesting observation, it's quite possible that by delving into homosexuality I was searching more for the relationships it "promised" than the physical aspects. Interesting.

Well it's Saturday morning and I just got back from the gym. I don't know if I mentioned here before or not but I've been going to the gym 6 days a week for a little over a month now. I'm loving it and it's defienetly helping me have a better outlook on life. Thanks to Janet's advice I go to the gym straigh from work now and then go home. If I go straight home with the intention of going to the gym later... well it just doesn't happen. Good thing I don't have a life anyway!

Have a Great Day! Mine's looking to be.

Weather report for wifey:

Clear Sunny approximately +12C. It's been like this for weeks now with the odd day of rain which helps settle the dust.

Man it's been a tough day. Woke-up feeling defeated and it's continued on till now. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Really nothing new to update everyone on here. Dad came down this weekend for a visit and we had a good time. On Saturday we went dream car shopping. Stopping at the Bentley - Jaguar dealership where we drooled over one of the most beautiful Aston-Martin's I've ever seen. We made other stops at the Mercedes, Infinity, and BMW dealers as well. Then we went to my store so he could get an idea of where I am everyday. After that we came home and went shopping to pick up some things for dinner. We did a typical Kits dinner, which means we went to four different stores to get the ingredients at their best and freshest. It was a delicious dinner acompanied by an excellent bottle of Willowglen wine from Austrailia. All in all an excellent day.

Oh! I just remembered I got myself a new mobile phone on Sunday. Very excited. It's the newest Samsung available from Telus. http://www.telusmobility.com/on/pcs/handset_samsung_sch_a670.shtml
Now I'm just trying to figure out what to do with all the functions.

Anyway I'm now off to bed. I'm reading "The Life Of Pi" and it's awesome. Good night.

Well I just got back from my second time attending the coming out of homosexuality group (for lack of a better name) that I decided to start attending. Quite honestly as the car got closer and closer to the church I wanted to turn around more and more. It really took a lot to go again this week. Last week was the introduction and when I left I called my Dad and said "What the fuck am I doing there? I don't belong there! These people are all LOSERS!" Reflecting upon this statement this week though I came to the realization that any one of those LOSERS could be me in a few or more years. The fact that I'm the youngest member of this group and that I'm a not so young 25 has initially made me slightly uncomfortable with this whole situation as well but now it just sort of gives me another insight. The gay world really does seem to be one dominated by youth and glamour. With my ever advancing age I believe that although this is one of the hardest times in life to try and get out of the gay lifestyle because the constant party's, sex, and fun do have a major appeal, better sooner than later. God is this going to be tough and I honestly still have doubts an fears about it. All I know is that since I have made this decision I feel as though a major load has been lifted off of me. I don't know where the future is going to take me or what the plan for my life is but I know which road it doesn't lie down anymore.

Here's a fun one for ya'll. Today at work, as with everyday at work, our security guy managed to arrest some shoplifters. Now I have to say that this store is really unlike anything I've ever seen for the amount of theft that goes on in it, as well as the Management team taking it personally! At least once every two days we have a grab and run... ocassionally two or three in a given day. When the alert call goes out over the PA system everyone in drops everything and goes racing out the front doors in the mostly vain attempt to catch the bastard that just ran out of the store with a DVD player or a boxed DVD set. Unfortunately by the time the alarms at the door go off and we realize that this person isn't just another innocent shopper it's inevitably to late. They're gone sprinting across the parking lot. Now the fact that the sprinter has a good lead and is usually as fast as the wind doesn't seem to deter many of the males in the store from chasing after them. Most of the time it's a virtual stampede of Assocaites pouring through the door on their way out trying to catch someone. Now a few times the criminals have figured out just how stupid we really are and have worked in two's. So while their buddy is racing like the wind with a herd of furious Zellers Managers and Supervisors behind them the other one calmly collects all that they had on their list and sashays out the front doors. Of course the alarms go off but everyone able is already chasing his buddy! Score 2 points theives, 0 for Zellers. Actually one time at his old store the Manager got so furious he jumped into his truck, drove through a rose bed, over a sidewalk or two and chased some unfortunate fellow for blocks until he finally just about died from a coronary. I do believe the Manager got a stern talking to from the Police over that one. Seems he really hasn't learned though.

Anyway back to my story about the events of today. Two East Indian ladies, an old one and her daughter, came into the store and proceeded to clean out our clearance racks. Now this really isn't a big deal because it's all clearance but their total bill would have been well over $175, which tells you how much shit they managed to get into their bags at $5 a shirt. So anyway perhaps because the old one was REALLY old they didn't manage to get away fast enough and we caught them. Well it turns out they just "Forgot to pay!" So anyway being the good people we are we called the police anyway. Then because they both decided that they suddenly couldn't speak english anymore we simply got one of our people to come in and translate. This is the funny part. It turns out that our translater decided that it was time to give these two a lecture about how fortunate they were to be in this great country and that they were giving all brown people a bad name! She went on for about 45 mins until the police came. Considering the fact that they were stealing all of the clothes to take with them to India in a few days it'll be interesting to see how well things go for them at the border. Hopefully they'll never get back in!

Because I'm in the mood to tell stories tonight I'll give one last one about one of our Supervisors and her experience while testifying in court against a shoplifter she had caught. The shoplifter, not being the most intelligent person, went up to the Judge and pointed directly at the Supervisor and said "She was the one... she took me up the stairs to the office and beat the shit out of me!" Well this is entirely laughable if you just look at the Supervisor... she's mayube 5'3 and likely weighs about 130lbs. That's not the best part of the story though. The Judge looks at our Supervisor and asks is this true? To which she reply's well... we don't have a second floor in our store!

Well I've figured it out. The only thing harder than telling someone that your gay is telling them that you hate being gay, don't see a future in it, and are going to be exploring different areas of counselling to see how and if it is just a choice and way of thinking that can be reversed. To tell you the truth I'm terrified about this. Mostly I'm scared about what those close to me will say. Most of them believe that this is not something you can change and I'm not sure how supportive of this they will be. I do have to say this though that if they arn't supportive... or at least give me the benefit of the doubt... well I won't be seeing them much more. This is extremely important to me and even if it doesn't end up working out then at least I'll be sure.

Post complete.

Well Singles Awareness Day actually turned out rather well. I had lunch with Marcie and then made dinner for Lexi and my friend the Mexican. One of Lexi's friends also joined us because as luck would have it she broke up with her boyfriend yesterday. So I spent Valentines Day entertaining three beautiful single women... every mans dream... right?

I also went to visit the counsellor that my parents had found, in hopes that it would be a match, and I have to say that I was NOT impressed. Basically I just met him for a meet and greet but from the moment his secretary gave me the wrong address to the building for the third time and I therefore arrived 20 minutes late and only after the counsellor himself had called to ask if I was still coming and gave me the address once I told him that I was wandering around the fucking city of Burnaby trying to find an address I didn't know did not exist. Anyway I went in and started chatting with this guy and he basically gave me some background on himself. I was really confused actually because thinking back now I should have asked him if he was gay. The impression that I was getting from him was that he was. Actually some good did come out of the short session because I really need to examine what I want to go to counselling for. Not so much what I want to go for counselling for I guess more-so what do I want to achieve with this. What are my goals. What do I want the counselling to achieve? Thinking about this a lot lately I'm wondering what do I really want?

My Parents seem to be under the impression that I am still in the same place that I was in three years ago when I first came to them about my sexuality and they freaked out. At that point I sincerely wanted to be 'normal' but didn't know how to do it. At the point where I am now I'm wondering am I going into counselling because they want me to? They seem to believe that I can sincerely change my very base ways of thinking and the very way my thought processes work. Of course my understanding of anything like this is that I would have to fundamentally change my life in ways that I'm not sure at this point that I want to. Seriously everything would have to change if that were to be the direction I'm going to consider taking. I would very seriously have to leave Vancouver and start life again somewhere else where no one knows me. Why would I have to do something that dramatic? Well the fact that all of my Vancouver friends know and accept me this way means that it would be seriously fucked up if I were to decide to suddenly start denying who I was again and start trying to be straight. I just don't know if I can do that again.

On a happier note Grandma is coming to visit this weekend. I'm planning on spending Saturday with her. As it's my weekend off this really works out well. Too much thinking right now. I'm going to bed.

Wow, last night was amazing! I got off of work and met up with Lisa and Tim who were visiting from Kelowna. We went out for dinner at Cactus Club, then for drinks at this pretentious cougar bar called OPUS and then ended up at Celebrities and danced. The original plan was to go to Skybar but when we got there there were a number of people from Kelowna there that Lisa didn't want to see so she said "we can't go here now!" so of course the only place that didn't have a line two blocks long at that time of night was Celebrities. We walked in just in time as the line seemed to form right behind us. We had tons of fun. The fact that I worked this morning at 8 ensured that I didn't stay out all that late though. So I was home by 1... I think, and in bed shortly there after. Of course because I'd been drinking rye all night and was still just toasted I did some drunk dialing and left a message, or two...? that I'm sorta regretting now. I hope I didn't mess things up.

Tomorrow is my day off and I'm planning on sleeping and doing very little. I have a counselling appointment with a new counsellor tomorrow. Basically just a short meet and greet to see if I'm comfortable with him. We'll see. Feeling very emotional and needy right now. I think it's cause I'm so tired.

Oh just thought of a little story I thought I would share before I went to bed. Phone rings... I answer. It's my mentor for The Bay. Seems she's still having problems with a few of my ex-girls from Origins. *shock!* She needs my help to set the story straight on what one of them is telling the store Executives. Seems the little bitch is telling them that I told her not to do important parts of her job! How is that so when I spent the better part of two months trying to get them to do ANYTHING other than stand around blinking! Unreal... it makes my blood start to boil a little just to think about this lying sow and makes me more mad that I didn't pursue firing her a long time ago. I've had it with people. At least those that work for me. Enough of this benefit of the doubt shit I'm going on a rampage at my new store and I'm going to clean house. Fantastically enough my new manager is already behind me 100% on this initiative!

Yes I'm still here. Things have been going well so I havn't been in the mood to write. Yes it seems that things are starting to calm down significantly which makes me happy because I honestly couldn't have handeled another week of the drama that was going on. I've actually been working straight since Sunday as well so there really hasn't been all that much to write about that's been interesting.

Some observations about the new surroundings I find myself in at work though. I am in a store with a high population of East Indian people living nearby. In fact the largest Sihk temple in the lower mainland is right across the street, so dealing with these people on a daily basis has become second nature. I have to say that I really enjoy working with most of them. The prevailing sense I get from most of them is that they are very nice people and are very hard workers. I am consistently in awe of the language abilities members of my staff have. We have many Associates who speak up to five languages, which is absolutely invaluable, and listening to some of their life stories and places they have come from to get to Canada is always amazing. I'm working in a very multi-cultural place and perhaps experiencing Canada as so many people aroun the world believe it is but in a way I a Canadian born and raise have never experienced.

Today was a good day. Lexi, Dad and I went out for breakfast this morning at this little place I discovered two blocks away from my house. It was awesome. Then Dad and I went and hung out in Stanley Park for a bit and talked for quite a while. It was good to understand a bit better as to where he is coming from. We then went and wandered around Yaletown a bit before coming home. For dinner we went to Memphis Blues this amazing BBQ restaurant I'd heard about and really wanted to try. We ordered a platter and there were 6 different types of meat on it. That's it... just meat, oh and some beans. Amazing food. After supper we came back to the house and watched 'Man on Fire' a reasonanbly good Denzel Washington movie. Cutting the movie short we got Lexi and went to see a U2 Lazer show at the Planitarium. It was pretty cool and a good way to spend some time on a Saturday night. Coming home we finished the movie and now I'm going to bed.

I GOT U2 TICKETS! Have one extra anyone wanna come?

Ok, things are starting to look up a bit. I'm not really sure if it's because I've been seeing the naturalpath again or if it's just my situation improving but either way I'm relieved.

The Zellers that I am working in is actually really, really good. I have to say that so far I am enjoying it. The people I work with are lots of fun and I seem to fit in really well. Even the fact that it's a half-an-hour away from my house seems to be a good thing. By the time I get there in the morning I'm pumped and by the time I get home at night I'm calmer. The fact that the drive is 15 mins in town and 15 mins on the highway helps. That and the fact that I'm going early enough or late enough that there are few other cars on the road.

Speaking with my trainee counterparts we all seem to agree that we're really glad that the presentations are over. It's like something snapped right after and the stress and pressure of the past few months just disapatted.

Strangely enough after I gave my presentation my former "coach", who was sitting there, spoke up and talked about what a tough team I had and that they were all very impressed with how much hard work I had done. Um... thanks? I think... I think that after seeing the other presentations and listening to mine she may have realized what a tough time I had had in the past number of months. Sadly Pam's coach was asked by one of the Zellers Managers what exactly it was she was supposed to have accomplished during her time at The Bay and he couldn't tell us. He just sat there and blabbed a lot of nothing. I felt somewhat vindicated for her as it proved without a doubt that she had been set up for total failure.

Another interesting situation that's developed is a friend of mine had asked me to meet with a friend of his who was looking for work in cosmetics. So I met with the guy and he turned out to be absolutely perfect (well aside from the mohawk... I'm not joking) for a position in cosmetics. So I called up the old store and told them I was sending him up. Well they met him and loved him and instead of offering him a cosmeticians position they are offering him the role of Department Head. So my old mentor called me last night and wanted to ask me about him. I told her the little I knew about him and that was it I thought. Getting into my car last night though I turned on the phone and there was a message from her asking me to call her at home. I did and she asked if she could call me back later. I told her not to worry about it. She called back about an hour later apologizing for the late hour and asked if I would call her at work tomorrow. Now I'm really confused. Not sure what to expect here but could it be... maybe... an apology?

Well I just got back from my Major presentation. I now have a headache, feel like I'm going to throw up, want to cry, and quite everything. The presentation went well though! Sometimes life is just so overwhelming. I would really like to go out an get a bottle of wine and drink the whole thing. In fact I think I will.

I'm hungry and sitting here waiting for my chicken noodle soup to cook which is making me hungrier. I'm really wondering what the hell I did to piss off the powers that rule this universe. After paying a parking ticket that I got last week while I was at my naturalpath I went back to the naturalpath for another appointment today. Getting back into my car and driving home I was pulled over for apparently making an illegal left turn outside of the hours allowed! $75 Argh! I can't afford to live like this anymore. The only thing that could make my life worse right now is if I were to lose my shitty job and have no income.

I am going to be giving a major presentation tomorrow for a large number of company executives. Maybe if they get pissed off enough at my presentation I will get fired! Maybe that's a good thing.

I just got back from coffee with Marcie and it was a fine bitch fest. It was decide that she is going to contact a friend of a friend who is a corporate head hunter and that we're both going to sign up.

Life could just not get worse.

My life is over. My new Store Manager wants me to work 10 hour days. I'm a half an hour drive away from home. Working 10 hour days I don't even want to think about what kind of money I'm actually making. This is SO NOT WORTH IT!

I'm very, very tired and I have to get up at 545 tomorrow morning in order to be back at the store. Oh did I mention that I just got home :(

First day in the new store tomorrow. Tough day today. Got together and discussed Phase 2 with the other trainee's and our trainer. I found it interesting that no one wanted to discus Phase 2 when we had the chance. I think everyone was just resigned to the fact that it had been a tough phase and we were all feeling very rough. C'mon HBC show me some love for God sake.

Janet's here! I've been drunk since Saturday. I've been drinking since 730. I have to give a presentation tomorrow. I don't care. I'm working at Zeller's. I have to start work at 7 when I work morning shifts. FUCK that means I'm going to have to leave the house like around 615 every morning. God Damn.

As usual, since I last posted, life has been moving along at a rapid pace. Yesterday was my last day at the store and it was pretty good actually. Two of the cosmonauts took me for Dim Sum, which was awesome, and before that Vancouver Mom and I went for coffee. Then after Dim Sum I went out for desert with the two department heads from cosmetics and my Mentor decided to join us. I think she realized that she would have to come with us if she wanted to make it look like she wasn't relieved to be getting rid of me.

After all of the deserts and dinners I ended up once again in the office with my GSM and my HRM, the two that ripped me apart the other day. We had a good talk about what it was that they had expected of me and what they assumed I knew from what they had taught the trainee who was previously in the store. Because their phase one trainee had been properly trained for the next phase at The Bay they assumed that I should know everything they taught him coming in from Zellers. Unfortunately they were dead wrong. Because the two stores are so different and the expectations were so different at Zellers there is no way in hell that I could have been sucessful in this store. It's kind of like taking a person, putting them through the McDonald's school of training and then putting them to work in a fancy Thai restaurant. They're both restaurants but they are worlds apart.

Either way I am feeling much better about the whole situation now but I am still mad that they put me on probation. I've decided to tell everyone that I'm parole instead of probation because at least that way it sound like I at least did something bad.

Leaving the store was interesting. Even though I did have a very tough time with many aspects of the job there in the past number of months, I did make a lot of good friends. I really enjoyed the people at this store and plan on staying in touch with them. I was given an awesome gift of different skin care products and sent off with their good wishes.

Last night was an excellent night in fact. Lexi, I and an assorted number of friends got completely bombed and went dancing. We danced for about 5 hours at the club and now we're all extremely sore. It was worth it though.

Day four with under 4.5 hours of sleep. I'm a wreck.

Well it's been another exhausting day. I'm looking forward to getting the hell out of this store though. One more day, I can do it! Actually tomorrow some of the Cosmonauts (or cosmeticians as it may be) are taking me out for Dim Sum! I've never had Dim Sum before so I'm quite excited.

I realized that I forgot to tell ya'll that they did in fact tell me which store I was going to next. Well I've been exiled to Zeller's again... which isn't the worst part. The worst part is that it's one that's an hours drive from my house! So that's going to add two hours more to my day now. How wonderful.

Day three and I'm still having a very hard time with all of this. I'm trying not to let it affect me but I just can't seem to. My stomach is tied in knots, I'm getting zits and my neck muscles are so tense I can barely move. I'm just so furious at them but more at me because:

A.) They should have given me more indication.
B.) I didn't even see it coming.
C.) I've been working my ass of for the entire four months.

I am JUST SO ANGRY but I have to pretend like everything is fine for the next two days because I'm still in the same store and I WILL NOT let them know that they affected me this much. God do I want revenge.

I have cried more in the past two days than I have in the past 6 years. Today I was put on probation at work! The reasoning behind this decision is because I was unable to meet the sales targets for the ORIGINS line. I was told that I have some serious communication problems. The communication problems line was the one that hurt and astounded me the most. Communicating has always been my strong point. Take that away from me and I'm an idiot who can't add, subtract or multiply.

The only thing that is keeping me sane right now is that Pam who is also at The Bay was put on probation as well and the guy who is working at the Vancouver Downtown Bay is going to quit any day now. So of the four trainee's who were placed in The Bay this phase two have quit, and two are on probation. Oddly enough those trainee's who are at Zeller's all did fine and were able to meet and exceed their goals... which I did first phase. Makes me wonder who's doing things wrong here me or The Bay?

Completely exhausted.

I don't really know what I'm feeling right now. The whole situation is still very tough. Is it possible for one to not have the feelings of gayness that one feels and has felt for a very long time. Can you sucessfully come 'out' of the lifestyle but actually feel as though you belong in the straight world. As I have mentioned here before I absolutely hate the gayness that is a part of me and always have. I'm not comfortable with it and I don't like it. I know that it isn't naturally part of who I am and I resent the fact that it has contributed to making my life such a living hell for as long as it has. If there really is a way out of this don't I owe it to myself to at least look into it? Oddly enough I'm kind of scared about this process. Even though my family is standing behind it and say they will do anything to help, which I believe without a doubt, I just don't know. It's taken me so long to even get to the place where I am now is there anyway for me to turn things around and change what I've done. Pandora's box has been opened and now I've got to see how much of the shit is salvageable.

Whoa, rough day.

Breakfast with Dad - Good, but bad.

Counselling - Diagnosed with moderate to sever depression asked to please follow-up with a Doctor, which I will do tomorrow.

Dinner with parents - likely to be tense and scary.

I have to say this though that my Dad handled everything very well. I couldn't ask them to affirm their love for me more. They want to help me get over this which is going to lead to some interesting situations in the next little while.

Well they're in town. Yes my parents are here. I'm having breakfast with my Dad tomorrow. Sure to be interesting.

Lexi and I went over to a friend of mine's house tonight for dinner. We had a great time and everything was perfect. She cooked a Salmon and it was AWESOME! But then I'm never one to complain about food in general. So yeah I'm tired. Good night.

Most interesting customer experience I've had in a long time today. Our Men's department's payroll was slashed so badly that there were constantly short of people to work the tills today so I went and helped everytime they called. Well I could tell this guy was a fucker before he even got to my till because he was yelling to other customers that as they were the customers they were "ALWAYS RIGHT!" Even though he had no idea what they were looking for or trying to get. So anyway jackass reaches my till and as I have to "celebrate" the customers purchase I said "Oh, that's a nice sweater!" He answer's "Well I'm performing a blood sacrifice this afternoon and I needed a white sweater!" I didn't even look at him just smiled REAL BIG and said "Oh! How nice." I was really proud of myself... and yet at the same time was a little sad at how jaded I've become that an anouncement like that doesn't shock me anymore.

Tomorrow I'm going to a Bridal Show. Yes this is what I have been reduced to. When the e-mail came around asking for male volunteers to be at the show I thought "What the hell it'll get me out of the store for the day." Only today did I find out that I'll be wearing a tux all day and handing out coupons for something or another. Actually I have to laugh at this it could be interesting.

ALRIGHTY! It's time for a good ol' rant! I'm dedicating this one to a good friend in Taiwan who reminded me today that some people just love to hear a good rant every once in a while.

Today at work I was yet again reminded what a shitty company mine can be. Another trainee, though not the same type as me, was let go today. No warning, although he knew it was coming, nothing. The Regional Manager came in this morning and just essentially said your done. Then they left. So the poor guy's standing there thinking what the hell do I do now? So obviously he got his coat and went home. I thought about crying because of the whole situation. Grrr just makes me mad.

Now on to the Rant. My girls all seem to display the intelligence of rocks. It's increadible actually just how they don't seem to get it. No matter how much I tell them, no matter how much I pester them, no matter how much I coach, nothing! It drives me crazy but I know that they know I don't have the actual power to get rid of anyone at this moment and that I'll only be there for another week so it's not like I even care. The thing that makes me crazy about the whole situation is that they're going to lose their jobs and they just don't seem to care. They're so fucking stupid that they don't realize that it WILL happen and the planning is in the beginning stages for it already. I'm happy to say that in some small way I'm making it happen by having documented all of the conversations I've had with them... they should consider it my parting gift!

Yesterday for example I was heading out for a coffee break and the two that were scheduled to be there were standing around talking to one of the other Associates who was already off. For some reason she seemed to be lonely decided to stay and chat. I ignored the little tea party and left the store. about 40mins later when I returned they were all still standing exactly where I'd left them but they'd gained another! Aaarrrrggghhhhh! So as they usually scatter and pretend to be busy when I'm around I stood near the escalator and had a conversation with one of the other Sales Managers. They all saw me and yet they continued their conversation just like nothing was going on. Finally I'd had it and marched over and asked the one that was off what she was doing! She told me she was shopping. I told her it didn't look like she was as she didn't have any bags! She told me she was going to buy... wait for it... a WATCH! So go to jewellery I told her. Then I turned to include the other two in my tirade. "You girls just don't seem to understand what I'm trying to tell you! If you don't start meeting your targets soon and be at your $60/hr target year to date your gonna lose your job! Of course now they're mad at me for talking to them like that *smack forehead*. Oh I don't think that I mentioned that I had, just that day, gone over their productivity numbers and explained how dismal the situation was looking. Keeping in mind that they are supposed to be able to reach $60/hour in sales as an average and that one of them had reached the awe inspiring number of $13 last week you'd think they'd be worried. Nope. Fucking stupid. Just unreal.

Tomorrow I'm pulling them all off of the floor and I'm going to make one last ditch attempt to paint a picture for them. Why am I doing this with one week left before I go? Because I care! NOT! It's because I was told I had to. I think my Manager doesn't want to deal with the situation and that's why it's been so bad for the past year well before I took over.

The End.

Sitting here feeling strange. It finally sunk into me after a long conversation with Janet that my relationship with Jake is not right. The fact that the boy has told me he loves me a number of times and insists that I love him even though I deny it is the first sign. The second sign is that I'm not attracted to him. The third sign is that I get drunk most of the time when he is around, I know not a healthy way of dealing with it but whatever. Finally we all went to a movie tonight and I just didn't want him there. For someone that your supposed to care about and want to be with I don't think this is normal. How on earth did I end up with this guy who fell completely in love with me as the first guy I ever dated. Ahhhhh! I now have to be ready to break his heart. Janet reminded me that I am perfectly capable of being an ass-hole and that I had better do it soon. Peter told me that from his experience any guy who tells you that they love you within the first few months of being together probably has some major issues of their own. I agree.

Lots has gone on in the last week or more since I've written but it's mostly all good.

My time at my current store is winding down and I'll only be there for the next two weeks. I have essentially relinquished control of Origins to another in order for the Department Manager to see if this lady has what it takes to run the counter effectively. So I'm sort of floating at the moment just racing around trying to get last minute things done for my program. I really need to start work on my Major Presentation which goes over all of my activities and what I have learned in the last few months while at this store for some of the Company's top executives. I used to think that it was quite a big deal to be paraded around in front of these people but now... not so much. One of them seems to be out to get me as well, which is always fun. She's the bitch that asked me if I would 'bet my paycheck' on the final financial results for my area during one of her visits. The last time that she was in she "warned" me that she was going to be prepared with LOTS of questions about why the line was down 25% (considering this was the average for the line across the company I'm not all that worried about it).

Personally things are going ok. Mom and Dad are coming down to Van next week and obviously want to see me. It think it's going to be an interesting visit based on what I mentioned in my last post. So I'll be having lunch with Dad on Monday.

I finally decided to seriously take some steps about getting myself into counselling. I contacted an agency today and booked an appointment. What I want to accomplish through this is hopefully finding a place where my mind is at peace with everything that is going on in my life right now. Finding a way to deal with the constant changes, in my job, my emotional state, and state of mind would be very helpful. I am especially hopeful that I will be able to come to grips with my double-mindedness regarding relgion and my feelings of betrayal by organized religion. Why is it that I am still, even after all this time, so wound up in religious thoughts?

Jake and I are back on again. Sort of. I'm trying to navigate my way through this 'relationship' and ensure that minimal amounts of damage are done to either of us. I find it tough to deal with as Jake displays a depth of emotion for me that I cannot currently return. I believe that when I start talking with someone about this much light will be shed (sp?).

Life continues on as it always has and will. The headache is a dull throb right now as opposed to a ripping migrane and for that I am thankful.

Birthday's suck when your alone. Not that I've been alone all day or anything but it's been a bit of a tough day. Last night Sister infomed me that Mom and Dad interrogatted her about me for the entire day on the 31st. They finally realized that my life is different than they thought it was going to be. Although she did say that she was surprised by how well they took it. So when they visit in January it'll be sure to be quite a commotion.

Today Lexi and I went shopping in Richmond. Yesterday I was in such a mood to shop that I went and spontaneously bought a DVD player. Not that we havn't been needing one and been thinking about it for a while but still! And today I was supposed to go and look for some pants and stuff but as we walked around the mall I was just beyond the point of caring about clothes.
About this time Peter called me and wanted to know if I would like to meet him downtown for a drink. So I went as I was curious to meet the new guy that he's seeing. Turns out that new guy is quite middle aged and very rich. Interesting how Peter get's himself into these relationships. So anyway visited with them and a few of the boyfriends friends for a while and ended up doing a muff dive shot at the place we were at (if you don't know what it is then don't ask) because it was my birthday and all. Peter and I made plans to get together on Tuesday.

After visiting with Peter I made my way home picking up the cake that my Mom had ordered me from Safeway and paid for it... not thinking that Mom had already paid for it. So I came home ate some dinner and then Lexi called and said that I should come over to her Sister's house. She then came and picked me up and we went over, stopping at Safeway on the way in order get my money back for the cake!

Now I am home and feeling very tired. But I should mention New Year's breifly. New Year's was a blast. We had a small gathering here at the apartment and everyone was just smashed drunk. Jake was here and ended up spending the night *smack - myself in the head* but I'm sure things will be fine. Now I'm going to bed.

I did have a rather enjoyable day actually. I left the house almost as soon as I got up this morning and went wine tasting with a good friend from high school days. Then went and visited the Answer Man for a while. So even though I am currently feeling like a bit of a loser things have been good today.

I'm in a total state of turmoil right now emotions are sloshing around and spilling out all over the place. I'm angry, depressed, frusterated, and just fed up with life as it is at this point. When will things ever straighten out. When will I be able to accept myself for the fucked up loser that I am and when will my family quite trying to impose their ideas of what my life is supposed to look like. ARGH! Angry... so angry. STOP MANIPULATING ME!

Well as expected Christmas has been a little bit tough around here. I've just about had it with my family already. Well my parents anyway. First night I was home there was a great discussion between the two of them as to what would be given to the poor girl that would get stuck with me. Very lively and oh sooooo funny. Fuck you.

Christmas say me recieve a girlie calander from my Uncle featuring half naked women dressed up as construction workers. Classy as all get out. Even if I wasn't gay I wouldn't want that anywhere near my walls. Just tasteless.

I'm so done with being home. I would actually seriously consider going home early but I have a doctor's appointment that I need to go to on the last day that I'm here. Guess the only thing to do is avoid being with them for the rest of the time I'm here.

Merry Christmas from Vernon!

Well after a furiously busy Christmas shopping season I'm heading home tonight. Back to Vernon! Sister is going to pick me up at 12:00AM in Kelowna then we will be heading home from there. Can't wait to see her. Hope the bus ride is alright. I'm planning on taking a little Vodka punch with me to make the bus ride and whoever is sitting next to me a little more pleasant. The worst part about this though is that there is no snow here or in Vernon so I could have very easily driven :(

Test, test, test.

I am changing a lot of things right now. Mostly my online presence in it's many forms. I'm looking into changing the address of this blog. Those of you who need to know the new address if that happens will be informed. Have a Great Night!

Thought for the evening... 'How does one find themself?' Any suggestions would be entirely welcome.

What is it about the ocean that makes me slightly melancholic. As I wandered along the seawall path today drinking in the scent of the salty air and feeling the cool wind fly through my hair I felt a little down and alone. It was an almost enjoyable feeling though. I seem to relish it even though I dislike it. Does that make any sense?

I just got home from watching Oceans 12 with Jake. It seems that he is doing well and the outlook is that we will make it as friends which is great and makes me pretty happy. I don't regret the experiences of the past few weeks because I learned a lot about myself in them but that doesn't make them any easier.

I got an e-mail from Raphael's mother tonight telling me that she knows about my lifestyle and that she's ok with it. I'm happy to hear that but at the same time am wondering how in hell she found out. I'm sure I'll know soon. This throws the need to have a talk with my parents into a whole new light. Merry fricken Christmas.

And the headache increases... So Pavel ditched me at the bar. Yes, he ditched me for a number of hours and he had my coat check ticket and VISA (I wasn't sure I would be responsible if I had my VISA, so I gave it to him as he doesn't drink). So after a series of increasingly pissed off txt messages to his phone he finally showed back up. All I said to him was get my coat. We did and grabbed a cab back to my place. As I was stone cold sober I told him to get his stuff and go to the car as I was driving him home. After a trip in which I'm sure he pee'd his pants (the FOCUS hadles incredibly allowing one to take corners at almost 80kms, Raphael's wifey would have died of terror) I dumped him at his place and said, you do understand why I'm furious don't you. He said he did and I drove off. Lesson learned never go to the club with Pavel again.

Lexi's gone and I'm lonely. So I called my friend Pavel from Richmond and we're going out to Celebrities! Update tomorrow.

What a day. I knew we were having a visit from one of the biggest cow's in the company who comes in approximately once a month. Basically came in and destroyed my self-confidence again. Most of the things that she was yipping about though had to do with issues that I could not control. There is no magic formula for making a person who is not a natural sales person an amazing sales person. You can work with those people, find out what motivates them, teach them what you know, demonstrate how to do it, etc. Unless they have the drive and the ambition to do it and are hungry enough to do it then it's not going to happen. There is nothing I can do about the team that I inherited.

One of my girls has been getting herself into trouble a lot lately because of the attitude or at least the way she comes across to people. She basically told one guy (another Associate) tonight to get lost because he was interrupting her sale, so of course he came running down to the office, where I was in the middle of a melt-down with my HR Manager, and told me she had been rude to him. I told him I would talk to her, which I did, and then I left. Later in the evening he comes up to me and say's "Did you talk to her?" "Yes." "Well when can I be expecting an apology?" "Um, you can't. I have talked to her and it won't happen again. That's all you need to know." For god sake these people are insane. Why in hell would he come and expect an apology. It may have been the right thing to do in his eye's but I'm not going to take her dignity away from her because he came running up and told on her. She's already dealing with the fact that she has been talked to twice now so there is no way I'm going to make her apologize. I swear this job is more like baby sitting all the time.

Sometimes life just seems so empty. You can try and fill it up with things, party's, alcohol, people, etc. but there is always that something else missing. What is it? My Christian upbringing would lead me to believe that it is God... but this feeling existed even while I was in the depths of spirituality. What brings these thoughts on tonight? I just returned home from the Management Christmas party for the store and after watching the majority of the management team get increadibly intoxicated I excused myself and drove home. As I slid my butt onto the cold leather of the driver seat my eye's darted up to my cell, which was attached to my visor, in the desperate hope that someone... anyone had left me a message. Did someone miss me? Was someone wanting to hear my voice? Does anyone care? Not tonight. No messages. Of course this is indicative of the emptieness that I feel my life holds right now. Gee no one called me on a Tuesday night while I was out at a party with about 30 people in attendance. Once again even though surrounded by people I was alone. I am... alone.

I talked to Sister after I talked to Jake and we decided that Christmas is going to be one hell of a drunken mess. We're going to get very drunk and go clubbing in Vernon then go in Kelowna to. Oh it's going to be an interesting Christmas this year.

What a fucking rediculous day. So I took the car in for an oil change and they told me that it would be a couple of hours so I'd better just go home. So they gave me a ride home and that was it. Four and a half hours later I called a cab and decided that I should go back and get the car because there is no way that they would still need it. When I finally got there after waiting 45 mins for a cab they told me that it would be about 20 mins. When I asked why it was taking so long they told me it was because there were a lot of cars in front of mine. It's not like I didn't have an appointment or anything! Gee's.

The day only get's stranger though. While at home I thought I would go onto gay.com's chat room. I started talking to this guy who seemed really cool. Well in the course of the conversation I told him the name of the mall I worked at and he told me that he had worked there until a few weeks ago. I asked him where he worked and he told me at Aveda. Well stupid me told him that I had been crushing on this guy that worked there for a long time. Long story short, he was the guy! What are the odds? Seriously I have no idea. Rapheal would you please work out the odds and let me know on this one? So yeah, I asked him out for coffee. And to my surprise he actually said yes! Oh dear. So I went and met him for coffee tonight and had a very nice time. I'm not entirely sure if I'm going to hear from him again, you know how you get these feelings, but it would be nice. Anyway I got home from coffee and Jake popped up on MSN. Well when I told him about my day he was SO NOT HAPPY! The situation degenerated until we finally decided that he (Jake) didn't want to see me anymore. To be honest I am sort of relieved because I have to admit I wasn't ever really attracted to him. He's a great guy and a lot of fun but.... I am really sorry that I hurt him and hope that he will eventually be a good friend but I honestly don't think that's going to happen. We'll see.

With so few day's left 'till Christmas I recently got into a bit of a panic and decided to do all of my Christmas shopping. Now of course because I adore shopping this really isn't a chore. The only problem that I run into at Christmas is, of course, money! But then who doesn't. This year shopping was easy. I went into my store early two days in a row and did all of my shopping in one fell swoop. In all I think that I spent about two hours in total shopping for everyone on my list. I have to say that I pride myself on the cool gifts I find for people. I love shopping.

Today my baby goes in for an oil change and I'm going to see what I can do to convince the dealership that my split windsheild is in fact a warrenty issue. The fact that nothing hit it and it just started to split tells me that there is a fault in the glass. We'll see, I don't want to have to shell out the $300 deductible ICBC would demand to fix it.

I'm actually getting excited about going home for Christmas. Call me a sucker for punishment but whatever. Looking very much forward to seeing Sister.

What a night, the store was open until 11 and in their infanite wisdome the marketing department in Toronto decided that they would run clock specials throughout the night. Essentially a clock special is a special that is only good between a certain time. Well let me tell you did we have some fights on! It was absolutely insane, an example of the issues that customers had with the specials was the Ferraro Roche special. Ferraro three packs were on sale for like a $1 each and many, many people were intent on buying them. Unfortunatly one lady got there first and bought the entire table full! So of course all of the customers that showed up at 701 instead of 700 were absolutely furious and were looking for a Manager to lynch! Now in their endless wisdom all of the Executives had left the store and left myself and another Sales Manager to deal with the evening. What FUN! Aside from the Ferraro controversy there was also one in Fragrances involving $9.99 Oscar de la Renta perfume as well as a freakout in Men's wear over $9.99 digital camera's. Really people life is far too short for this kind of stress. Go home, watch tv, get a life in general!

Well I have to say that the Christmas spirit hasn't exactly touched my heart yet this year. Working in retail right now is perhaps one of the most stressful jobs one can have around this time of year. Now of course all occupations have their own version of stressful times but Christmas just isn't supposed to be a stressful time for anyone. Today I have had a fairly productive day already. I have managed to go down and finally buy my bus ticket home for the holiday's as well as trudging down 4th Ave. with a pretty good idea of what I was going to get Sister for Christmas! I managed to find the perfect gift and I know she's going to absolutely LOVE it. The rest of my Christmas shopping is going to be done in the next few days and I'm hoping to get most of the things I buy at The Bay so that I can get everything transferred to Vernon free of charge! What a brilliant guy I am.

Well after an exhausting number of days that were very busy Rapheal left this morning. It was good to see him but I wish I would have had more time for us to just sit and visit. With his visiting schedule and my work events we didn't really get to visit for all that long. I am glad that I got to see him and the Answer Man anyway.

Do you ever feel one dementional? I do much of the time lately. When people ask me what I do when I'm not working my inevitable response has been that I sleep. Sad really. I need to find other things to do after work... or at least when I'm not working.

I'm going to look into finding a counselor down here. I've been feeling really out of sorts lately and I've been extremely moody lately, to the detriment of those around me, and I hate to say it but I think that my bad moods have correlated with the beginning of my relationship with Jack. I honestly think that I may actively be trying to push him away. Either way I'm very frustrated and it would probably do me some good to talk to someone.

Whew, what an interesting couple of days. Rapheal is finally here but I havn't had a chance to see him yet. I picked him up two nights ago at the airport drove home, went to bed. Yesterday morning I had to go to work quite early for an event that I was running and then I was told I was expected at the store Christmas party. So I raced from the store to the restaurant downtown where the party was being held. I managed to eat an excellent dinner and then gracefully exit by 9. Visited with Rapheal and the Answer Man at my place then I went to bed.

Now Raph and the Answer Man are at the Dutch Counsellate getting some business taken care of and I'm starting to slowly work on cleaning up the apartment a little. I'm expecting my guests will be back around lunch and I think I'll take them to Minerva's for Greek food.

I'm still run down and I'm periodically losing my voice, which is really frusterating, but I'm happy I'm on my day's off.

Oh my drunk again. This time I just really felt like having a bottle of wine. So I went to the store and bought one! Yay, wine. I wish Janet was here with me we always had such great times watching Will and Grace and drinking a bottle of red. What a girl I think I'll call her.

I did! I just talked to Janet! I LOVE HER. I miss her so much. Ok, going now.

As noted before the Bell Christmas party was fun. More has developed out of it than was originally planned though. The friend I went with (now deserving an alias as he'll be mentioned here more often now) Jack and I are now going to be officially seeing each other. This has been a huge step for me and I'm lucky he's such an amazing guy. The reason I say I'm lucky is that I really freaked out when the topic was brought up. I'm not even talking minor freak out... this was pretty major and I think that I hurt him a little. I let him get a little beyond the emotional wall I have spent years building and once I fully realized what I had done I just lost it. This relationship (?) is going to be interesting.

On another note I went into work today... yes, this is the second time in two weeks that I've gone into work on my day off for at least half a day. I had booked an appointment with a corporate client that I needed to see though and my schedule happened to cause my appointment to fall on my day off :( Oh well hopefully we see some sales as a result of my sacrifice.

Now I'm sitting here waiting for Jack to call as we have a date for dinner and a movie. I bought him a copy of one of my favourite books The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy I really hope he likes it.

Wow! The Bell Christmas party was so much fun! It's obvious that, that company has way more money than mine does! The party was held at the Sheraton Wall Center in Downtown Vancouver which fortuitously happens to be a very short cab ride from my house. So my friend and I took a cab down there and then had a great time.

Good Night!

I don't know if I mentioned this earlier but I am back on some medication again as my system crashed a number of weeks ago and I didn't realize. Suddenly my performance at work started to drop and I was constantly in a cloud. I've been back on the stuff for about a week now and I'm feeling so much better it's insane. At work I'm getting things accomplished, we're seeing results (little one's at that, but who cares something's happening), and it's just so much easier to be me.

Getting so excited for Raphael's visit! CANNOT WAIT TO SEE HIM! I wish he was bringing wify too but unfortunately circumstances dictate that it will not work.

I finally got my Christmas schedule and it's really pretty good. I have from the 24 to the 29th off so I'm going to go home. Silly me I already told my Mother this and now she's calling just about every night to say how excited she is that I'm coming home *rolls eyes*.

Oh, oh, oh! Last night I made my first roast! I cooked it in the crock pot all day while I was at work and it turned out absolutely fantastic. SO YUMMY! I have decided that I LOVE crock pot cooking, it's so easy and it tastes so good!

Looking forward to going to the Bell Christmas party tomorrow... It should be fun.

It's Will & Grace night! Yay! I live for Wednesday night. It's rather sad but it's true. So yes I'm sitting here eagerly awaiting the beginning of the show.

I'm going to a Christmas party Saturday night! It's the first of the season and it's gonna be interesting. It's for Bell Canada and my friend asked me to go with him so I said "sure". It sounds like it's gonna be a lot of fun. It's at the Sheraton downtown and there are gonna be tons of people there. I'll be sure to update everyone on Sunday morning about it.

Tomorrow I have a meeting with my trainer from work. This is the woman that is in charge of all of the trainee's in the BC chapter of the program. I'm going to make a list of questions that I want / need answered and we'll see where this goes.

Well I just finished an exhausting day. I went into the store early today to organize things for an event that I was at tonight and also went around to all of the offices in the office tower that is attached to my mall and visited every single office and promoted my products. Cold calling is exhausting but I'm really hoping that we see some results from it. God we need to see some results! After the work that I've put into it I expect some results. I've found three more office towers that I'm targeting this week so something should happen from this.

Well last night was Lexi's Birthday and it went off with out a hitch... well except for the Birthday girl being sent home at shortly around 1030! It seems that it should be a requirement of living in this house that you be able to navigate your way down stairs at a bar while drunk. Lexi did a swan dive off of a stage at this trashy bar that we ended up at last night that beat my tumble down the stairs at Celebrities four weeks ago by a mile! It was terrifying I was sure that she'd broken her neck. But nope! Up she popped from the floor and immediately started dancing away. Oye Vye! Well now I've got to get to work.

Damn I'm in a good mood! I met this great guy on the net last night and we ended up trading a bunch of MP3's and he sent me some truly wicked tracks! New music always makes me so happy :)

Well Mom and Dad's visit was very sucessful. We actually had a really good time and they were very excited to be here. I took them consignment shopping on 4th Ave and Mom got some good deals. I fell in love with a wool coat from Armani Exchange that fit me like a glove. Just perfect and it looked incredible. Oh if only I wouldn't have frozen my credit! Oh well next time... jackets come and go but your credit rating is forever... right. Mom and Dad brought me one of Mom's slow cookers so I'm going to use it within the next few days. I'm sort of excited about it for some reason. Hmm I guess it's cause I'm a loser!

Today I'm going to another friends house for lunch and movie watching. I'm very excited. I actually met him on the net as well. I swear if I lost my internet capabilities my social life would disintegrate.

Speaking of social life. Lexi's Birthday party is coming up! Yay! We're not entirely sure who's coming. Why is it so hard to get people to commit to anything these days? Gee's you wouldn't think it would be hard to get people to come over and drink! Go figure.

Fuckin Hell I hate work sometimes! I swear Wal-Mart here I come. God Damned company and it's fear and intimidation tactics. I really don't think that I'd be having these types of problems in another retail company. I could be entirely wrong of course but you know what, I could be right as well. Considering that I'm not the only trainee that's having as much trouble as I am. It really seems that the same problems are plagueing all of us. No direction! My mentor told me today that I looked like I was wandering around lost all the time. Gee, ya think that maybe it's time to give me some direction and help then wouldn't ya! I swear if I get the opportunity to get the hell out of this company soon I'm gone! (Of course I'm blowing off steam here... but you just never know!)

Feeling somewhat unsettled right now. I'm wondering if I'll be able to accomplish anything that I need to to be successful. You know those moods you get when you feel like anything is possible and you'll be able to accomplish anything? I'm not in one of those right now. I feel like I'm on The Apprentice every single day of my job. It's not a nice feeling especially when the final outcome is so undecided. I really feel that the company lied to us or at least purposely mislead us in telling us where we would be placed at the end of the training program. We were originally lead to believe that after the training program we would be placed in executive positions in a store. Now my understanding is that we will be placed in a store at a Sales Manager's position. Now there is nothing wrong with that but it is a lower position than was originally indicated. The point was brought up the other night by one of my fellow trainee's that we are already being paid more than a Sales Manager would generally make so are we going to be asked to accept pay cuts once things are figured out or is something else going to happen? I'm not sure. All I know is that it's going to be a frosty day when someone asks me to take a pay cut.

So yes feeling a little disjointed tonight. I did find out that Mom and Dad are planning on coming for a visit. They will be here on Tuesday night, spend the day with my on Wednesday and then leave that night. It's gonna be a very quick trip but I think that'll be the best kind.

So I have just been informed that I haven't actually told you fine people about my Vancouver Mom! I'm so sorry. Here I go on and on about her but I haven't introduced you all formally. Vancouver Mom is the result of one of the smartest decisions I could possibly have made since arriving at my new store. The first party that I went to at the store was at her house, she's one of the other Sales Managers. Well let's just say that Vancouver Mom is a women who really enjoys the company of men... especially cute younger men... especially after she's been drinking. Well anyway I saw this all coming that first night before she'd started drinking, you know how you just sometimes get these sixth senses about people, so I immediately dubbed her 'Vancouver Mom' I told her that as my Mom was in the Okanagan she could take care of me. Smartest damned thing I've ever done. She really took me seriously. Not only does she not come after me when she's drunk but she also protects me from many of the daily goings on in the store that I wouldn't know about. That and the fact that I get invited to all the best parties because of her really helps me with my 'in' ticket. Vancouver Mom's the best she's really been a life saver since I moved here.

Onto other news Raphael is coming to visit! OMG So excited! After finding out I immediately requested to have my day's off, during the time he's coming, co-incite with the time that he'll be here! Can't wait to see him and the Answer Man.

I went out to meet another new internet friend tonight. Very nice funny guy. We chat all the time online and on the phone so I decided that it was time to meet him. We went bowling and would you believe that we go into the bowling alley and the bowling guy is like... "I'll put you in lane 8 next to Swollen Members!" Imagine that bowling next to a semi-famous rock band. What a kick, I love Vancouver. So anyway the non-date (boi has a boyfriend) went well and we had a good time. He'll be a fun guy to hang out with.

Ok, well I should go to bed. I've been having trouble sleeping lately. It's been terrible as I haven't been able to sleep until 2 most nights recently. I don't understand it because I'm totally wasted the next morning. Oye, life is difficult.

I have decided that having Tuesday and Wednesday off during the week sucks. Yesterday I was at the store for a couple of hours even though it was my day off because my Rep was in and I thought that it was important that I be there. So today I slept in for many hours and then got up. Went and paid my car insurance then went and had a coffee and read a magazing at Starbucks.

Monday was a very difficult day actually. My new mentor and I were having a meeting and she was basically telling me everything that was wrong with the line. Fine. The problem was that she was making everything sound like it was my fault. I was so upset that after the meeting I went back to my office and seriously thought about crying. Instead I called Vancouver Mom and asked her what I should do. She told me to go back and ask mentor what the hell that was all about. So following her advice I went back to mentor and told her that I was feeling like I was getting into shit with her from the way that she was talking to me. She assured me that I wasn't in trouble but that she was just trying to relay the gravity of the situation. Um, I think I get it. I understand that we're down in sales by almost 50% but you know what there really hasn't been anything I could do about it in the last week that I've been there. I was too busy trying to clean up the mess that had been left by the prior two Counter Managers. So anyway I almost cried on Monday because I was just so frusterated.

We're starting to get into party planning mode over here as it is Lexi's Birthday next Saturday. We're planning on having a rather large assortment of different people come over to our place and then we'll all head out to the bar. I'm really looking forward to it I'm sure we're gonna have fun.

Oh an update on how I'm getting my financial house in order. I put my credit cards on ice. Literally, I froze the fuckers in a bowl of water in the freezer. Forces me to budget wisely because I can't firvolously spend this way.

PETER IS MOVING TO VANCOUVER! I'm so excited. I just can't wait. Means I'll have another friend in Van to hang out with. Yay!

Mom and Dad have been talking about coming down for a visit next week sometime. I'm actually looking forward to seeing them. It could end up being just my Mom who comes down though we'll have to see.

What else...

I'm really looking forward to life stabilizing a bit. My job has been somewhat horrendous as of late, personal life has been somewhat chaotic, and as mentioned above finances are not what I'd like them to be. Oh well as they say this must be the 20's.

Today was an excellent day. I finally got to see Marcie whom I have not seen for close to two and a half weeks now. We had an awesome coffee session for a couple of hours which was really nice. Now the only problem is that I had two Greek strength coffee's... buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Because I seem to be having trouble with my budget lately I have decided to take drastic measures. From now on it's cash only. I took my credit cards out of my wallet and it's budget time. The problem is that I know what I've done wrong and really feel silly about it. Oh well I've decided the change is gonna happen and that's that.

It was Vancouver Mom's birthday last night. We went to this amazing Indian restaurant and I was again amazed at how much my co-workers can drink. It's truly an amazing thing. Now I'm looking forward to Saturday morning breakfast that is a tradition at the store. They're all going to be completely hung-over though so it'll be interesting to see how the conversation is.

Lexi went on a date last night with some guy that she met over the internet. I think it went well as she got home shortly after I did at 1215. She then proceeded to bang loudly on my door. Just enough to scare the hell out of me and wake me from pre-slumber. I can't wait to hear about the date after work.

Now I am off to work to flog cosmetics. Thankfully the line has been up the last few days and on Wednesday we were the top selling counter in the company. Not bad if I do say so myself!

After stressing out about my work situation all night last night I went into work today and ran into the store manager. She asked me how it was going up there and I told her. She just looked at me and said "well maybe it's time to move these girls out of cosmetics!" D'uh. And here I didn't think I had the power to do that. Apparently I do. Let's just say the whole team at the counter needs to be changed so I'm gonna do it.

In other news... well there really isn't any tonigh. Good night!

Today I'm feeling very much like I hope that President Bush feels, like he's about to lose his job. I'm feeling really quite overwhelmed at work. I feel as though there is so much that I am supposed to be doing that I'm not it's crazy. I need to get organized. I'm spinning constatnly. How do I get my Associates to take ownership of their work? When I asked my Mentor that she told me that, that was my job! Then she told me that I just have to constantly follow up on what I ask them to do. In my mind that isn't so much helping them to take ownership as it is harrassing them until they do what I tell them to. Maybe I'm just missing something. I need to think outside of the box, I hate that phrase. Just feeling so frusterated right now. Need to take out some aggression on someone. I think I'll call Pam and yell at her for a while.

Sitting in my comfy chair as I type this I'm looking out of the sliding doors that form part of the wall of our living room. Right now the scene is so utterly fall that it makes me want to eat a pumpkin pie. The leaves on the trees are flaming red. Not even just red like a sports car but a vibrante red that you would usually equate with a living organizm. Now as I believe the leaves are all dead, I should call the Answer Man and double check that, it's really odd that they look so live and living. The scene is so picturesc that I'm just waiting for the Celine Dion soundtrack to start... That woman is starting to turn up EVERYWHERE! Air Canada has signed her to sing on their new commercials, she's entered some kind of Devil's tryst with Anne Geddes which resulted in a book that I'm quite sure thouroughly abused the babies! She has turned up as the face of the Hudson's Bay Company's Breast Cancer Awareness Month and she's got a new song out on the radio. Does anyone else realize that WE DO HAVE OTHER CANADIAN CELEBRITIES! For God sake there's got to be someone more deserving of all the media attention.

As mentioned yesterday I've got a cold again. I have to change a few things in my lifestyle here pretty quickly. I don't think the fact that I had four 12+ work day's in the last week helped. I run myself down and then I get sick. I called my Mother this morning and she told me that I need to start eating right.

I'm watching my favourite daytime talk show right now 'Ellen'! They are advertising the fact that Ellen will come to fundarisers / parties if invited. Currently she is getting ready to go to a Casino Night in New York. How great is that. I need to think of a way to get Ellen to come to Canada.

As the last paragraph shows I have nothing more interesting to write at the moment so I'll let you, my dear readers, go. Bye

Ah it's been an interesting couple of days. I just got off the phone with Dan. That relationship, if you could call it that, is done. The problem is that we're just in two different places in life. I'm relatively sad about it but at the same time I'm relieved because it just wasn't working. So that's the end of that.

In other news I've been able to get my cosmetic line selling. Took the counter from an average of $400 a day to well over a $1,000 a day in the last week. Since going to school I've been able to sell the stuff like crazy. Now that I've got it figured out I'm trying to teach my girls how to sell effectively. At this point they are doing well when I'm there but when I'm not it seems everything I teach them goes out the window. I need to teach them consistency.

I am sick again. Bloody cold just came back. I'm too run down. I think I need to go to bed.

Good Night.

I'M IN LOVE! With a skin care line. Turns out that Origins is the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. Everything in the line is fantastic. Now true I've just finished going to Origins school and I'm totally pumped up from the experience and all but I know the hype isn't just that in this case. I tried the Incredible Spreadible Ginger Body Scrub last night in the shower and almost didn't come out. I was completely blissed out. Amazing stuff. It's got dead sea salts, brown sugar, white sugar, olive oil, shea butter, and ginger in it and I swear your skin will never quite have felt as amazing. So anyone reading this who needs ideas for Christmas gifts... well you know how to get a hold of me!

In other news... I did a lady's makeup today! As part of this job I have to at least know what the hell I'm talking about when I'm on the selling floor. The teacher took one look at me after I had done the lady's eyes and said "You look absolutely frazzled!" Yeah, I think I knew that. What a stressful thing to do for someone who's never, ever, even thought about doing makeup.

Wow it's been a while since my last post. As usual I've been really busy. Last week was actually pretty non-discript in terms of the events that happend. I met the Origins Vendor on Friday, a Vendor is a representative of the company that is supposed to be helping us sell their merchandise, and she was kinda scary. By the time that she was finished at our store though I believe that I had charmed the hell out of her and she is thrilled that I've taken over the counter. Now I'm just working on my staff. I have four girls working for me and for the most part they are all great. They have the enthusiasim and willingness to do what it takes to sell the product but they lack the actual selling skills to close sales, book apointments, and other basic selling tools. I'm working with them trying to teach them how to become star salespeople. In order to do that I have to work on my own selling skills as well. Once I get the product knowledge down I'll be fine. I realized this the other day when two ladies asked me the difference between two different eye creams in our line and I didn't have any idea what the difference was or what an eye cream is used for. This is just an example of the types of difficult questions I face on a daily basis that leave me scrambeling for answers and forcing me to upgrade my product knowledge by reading the box in front of the customer.

Saturday night this week was a disaster. Intending to drink a little and stay home I bought a 2-6 of vodka mandarin (never, ever, ever again!). I walked in the door of the house to have Lexi inform me that we were going out to Celebrities, Vancouver's biggest and best gay club. Not wanting to argue I agreed that, that sounded fine. In the course of the evening I proceeded to drink more than I have ever drank and well frankly I don't remember much of the evening. Defeinetely not an experience I want to repeat.

I now consider myself an official Vancouverite! I just spent the day at my very first film shoot as an extra. The show is called Two for the money and stars matthew McConnehey and Al Pachino. We saw Matt but no Pacino. The temperature in BC place where they were filming was sub-zero though thought I was going to die of cold.

Well change continues to run rampant in my life. Especially my work life. Finally realizing the relationship between my mentor and I wasn't likely going to get better anytime soon and that it wasn't doing either of us, or the department, any favours the store executives wisely decided to move me to another department with a new mentor. So of course the natural choice to send me was... wait for it... Cosmetics! Yeah that's right I'm now the Counter Manager of Origins (www.origins.com in case anyone is interested). This is going to be a big challenge but I think that it'll be a less stressful one than Jewellery. So I'm experiencing a really steep learning curve again and this one is harder to BS about. Selling a watch is nothing, you can make up all sorts of stuff to say about a watch. Selling a body souffle is a little tougher as you actually have to know a bit about it before you can sell it. The fact that the line is so large and every different product segment has a different specific use doesn't make it easier. Luckily *insert sarcastic tone* I'm going to beauty school for two days next week so I'll be sure to learn tons of stuff. In fact I think that my biggest challenge in this department is going to be getting the Associates to be motivated to sell. Of the four that report to me three seem to have really good potential and the other is already on probation with me. We'll see what happens with her.

Yesterday Lexi and I had a great time shopping at Metrotown. I have vowed that I will stop spending money frivolously as I really feel I need to get control of my finances. So far this week I have done very well. Because of this decision though I wasn't able to shop for anything for myself. I helped Lexi pick a few new things but other than that just enjoyed hanging out with her for the day. It's funny actually we're room mates but we really rarely see each other. I think that's probably why we do get along so well when we do see each other.

In other news I finally went to a gay club a couple of nights ago. Let's just say that it was not what I'd envisioned in my head. Not nearly that good. That and the fact that I was practically molested on the dance floor somewhat turned me off of the experience... well with that particular place anyway. Like most clubs I have decided that gay clubs are best experienced drunk... very, very drunk. Next time...

So I finally saw Dan last night after a very long time. The last time I saw him was when we went to the Art Gallery a couple weeks back. I don't know if this 'relationship' is going to go much further than it already has. I'm finding it tough to stay interested when I don't see him more than once a week and talking on the phone every night just isn't doing the trick. Stay tuned for more.

Mood - Slightly Despondent
Music - Sarah McLaughlin Afterglow

I have just lived through what was possibly the most horrific day of my life.

One more day! I can do it. You never really realize how much you can't handle being at home with those you love until your there. Aiyeee! Not that my visit has been bad but man...! Today my Mother and I got into a heated discussion about why I wasn't bothering to look for a church in Vancouver. The conversation ranged all over the place and ended when I left the room. Essentially she was telling me that unless I met people in church I would never have friends who would be there for me when I really needed them. Of course I countered by asking how many "real" friends she had in the church, that she hadn't just met... you know real friends that have been around for a long time. She didn't like the answer. After I left the room she actually came and told me that she was sorry that she had upset me! This is a new turn of events.

Shortly after the previously mentioned events Mom decided that I should come with her to find picture frames for my grad pictures and degree. Not thinking I said sure. Two and a half hours and five stores later we were back in the very first store that we'd looked in buying the ones that she'd picked out while there on the first visit. I just wanted to die.

I have been using my free time wisely while here though. As I don't have a burner on my computer I've been downloading and burning like a fiend *if anyone with the intention of sueing me because of the last statement is reading this know this. This whole blog is a lie!*. Managed to find a lot of songs.

Needless to say I cannot wait to get back home. I have accomplished what I hoped I would with this visit... ensuring that nothing has changed all that much. It hasn't!

Tomorrow I'm going for breakfast with my Uncle, which is sure to be one big bitch fest about how he finds my Mother anoying. Guess what! We all do! now get over it! Then I'm going for blunch with my Dad. I hope that it goes well. Till then, have a good night!

I just got home from spending a really enjoyable time with Peter. We discussed many things. Seems he has a new man in his life as well. He's looking to make some big changes in his life and I support him 100%. It's about time that he did this. Walking into the house, after I got back, I was talking to my Mom, who's never met Peter, and she was asking all the regular questions. How do you know him etc. Then she hit me with one I'd never had before. "What do you two have in common?" Umm...! Just stuff.

Happy Thanksgiving! Well I'm back in Vernon. Just finished cleaning up from a fantastic turkey dinner and seeing a bunch of people. The past few days have pretty much been a roller coaster, as usual, and have been really busy. Friday at work I had yet another blow out with my Mentor. You'd think that after three times he'd get the picture that he isn't going to win. This time he actually got pulled into our Manager's office for an hour long lecture. Hate to say it but he had it coming. So after a somewhat nasty day at work I went to a dinner party that I was invited to by one of the other Sales Managers. Turns out she had invited the Executive team from the store and me. Pretty cool actually as it shows that I'm fitting in really well with the people who's opinions actually matter. I got home relatively early from that as I was supposed to see Dan but we weren't able to get together.

The next morning I got up and drove to Penticton for what I thought was going to be a fun time at the wine festival with Janet. Unfortunately the evening with Janet didn't go so well. I think that her expectations and our's just didn't really match up. I did have a fantastic time with Tim and Lisa though so all was not lost. This morning Janet left really early and very quickly because she was really mad at us. We did get everything straightened out though tonight and she came over for turkey with the fam.

I'm now sitting here wondering how on earth I'm going to be able to spend the next few days at home with Mom and Dad. I really want to be able to take this time and do as little as possible and rest up but there are so many people that want to see me that I'm not sure how that's going to look. Oh well sucks to be wanted! I'm going to bed now so I can move tomorrow. So tired.