Strange Events At The Gay Bar!

Well my Vancouver people did it again.  We managed to have an absolutely unbelievable night on Friday.  The party at Peter and Brian’s started at around 7 and went until a bunch of us left to go to the Odyssey at 12.  We danced for two and a half hours straight and just had an absolutely unreal time.  Marcie got hit on by a gay stripper, some guy tried to pick up Chris (yeah, weird that he’d try and pick up a chick in a gay bar…), K from Ottawa and Pavel danced like I’ve never seen anyone dance, in fact he claims that his hips still hurt two days later, and I just enjoyed every moment of it all.  The fact that Marcie, Pavel and I were dancing on the stage is pretty funny too!  I finally stumbled home at 317, according to Peter’s Mom, after putting K in a cab and walking Marcie home.  It’s honestly nights like that, which keep me sane and help me remember that even though my friends may not be with me where ever I am they’re just waiting to get together and have an amazing time.  Thanks guys I love you all!

Vancouver Rules (Even though it's Raining like nobody's business)!

I have been having an absolutely Fabulous time in Vancouver.  Yesterday I spent the day with Matthew, who generously came downtown from Pitt Meadows.  We spent time wandering around the city, eating various things, looking at various other things and just catching up.  

I spent the evening with the boy’s (Peter and Brian) and Pete’s Mom who is also visiting.  Today I had a naturopath appointment then went for a three hour Dim Sum with my Vancouver Asian connection.  After Dim Sum I wandered around downtown with one of my friends boyfriends.  As I’m planning on buying an iPod in the next few days I went to Guess? To by an iPod case and found a matching wallet and case combination for $10!  SCORE!  I then went for dinner with Marcie and Frank.  They dropped me off back at the boy’s place where the boy’s and Mom were having some wine before they went for dinner.  We realized that as tomorrow is Good Friday, the liquor stores are very likely going to be closed so we made a list and while they went for dinner I went and stocked up on liquor for the party.  

As I’m home alone I signed onto MSN and low and behold one of my awesome friends from high school had signed on and she is spending the weekend in Vancouver as well, visiting her Mom from Ottawa.  So of course I invited her to our party tomorrow.  This party is going to ROCK!  It’s going to be SO much fun.

Tomorrow Marcie and I are going to hang out together and go to Good Friday Mass at her church.  We’re also going to hook up with my high school friend and catch up a bit before the party starts.  It’s been an awesome visit so far and I think it’s going to continue to go in that direction.  Life is good.

LEAVING CAMP TOMORROW! VANCOUVER HERE I COME! ANYBODY READING THIS THAT CAN MAKE IT BETTER BE AT THE PARTY ON FRIDAY!

I'm sitting in the lobby in one of the faux suede chairs that are scattered liberally around this place , hooked into the free wireless, trying to ignore the sound of some sporting event on the big screen TV on the other side of the lobby. Yeah, life is real rough. I didn't bother to haul my ass out of bed this morning for breakfast and now I'm really hoping that I didn't miss eggs benny day. Instead I slept in, went to the gym, and now here I am. Waiting for time to pass before I go into the office to start my day.

As rough as life is here though I am looking forward to my days off. I'm feeling fairly tired to be honest. The stress I've been under has been taking it's tole so I've made an appointment to see the Naturalpath in Vancouver. Very confident that I'll be back in tip-top condition shortly after.

As this upcoming weekend is Easter I'm mentally preparing myself to deal with the family I'm sure to run into while home. They mean well but there is so much pressure around holidays it does make it difficult. Regardless I'm looking forward to a break.

I just got my first pay deposit and I think it's the most money I've ever been paid for a job before. Considering I wasn't even paid for a full pay period I'm excited to see how much a full check will be worth! I entirely paid off my Visa and put a significant dent in my line of credit and still have a lot of money left over. I could get used to this.

Now if only some things would change for the better in the office I'd be happy as a clam in mud.

Handeling Stress Badly

It’s been a really stressful two days.  Work has just been stupid stressful because the airline I’m dealing with has a new guy who is making all sorts of insane mistakes.  Making me absolutely crazy!  Yesterday they cancelled a flight I’d booked that they’d confirmed for one of our managers, and they didn’t tell me!  Once I found out from someone else that the flight had been cancelled I had to fight with the airline to get them to put her on another flight to the same destination.  Their solution to the problem was to tell me to put her on a flight to a city that was NO WHERE NEAR where she needed to be.  I asked who was going to be paying the cancellation fee’s and such for the connecting flights she was going to be missing and for some reason they had no answer.  Long story short after sweating a lot I finally got her on another flight.  I think I’m going to start going to the gym at night after work as well because I’m so stressed out.

The fact that I’m getting so stressed out really bothers me because I really have no reason to.  Sure I want to make sure that everyone gets to where they’re supposed to be at the designated times but so far all the problems have been the airlines fault.  That and the OB came back today.  That woman makes me supremely crazy.  Ok, I have to go to the gym.

I finally figured out how to get an iPod cheap! I cashed in my Visa points for $200 worth of Future Shop gift certificates! Now I just need to know which iPod to get when I get back to Vernon. Do I get the 4GB Nano or do I get the big 30GB iPod? All you people with iPod's out there tell me what you think! So Excited!

It’s starting to hit me. I’m getting tired. Not being used to working for 21 days straight makes it tough but I’ve been assured that it gets better after the first couple times. Even now it’s not so bad I’m just dragging my ass a little.

What made it worse is that it’s been very slow lately so it makes the days just crawl. Today I spent a good deal of time wandering the halls looking for snacks. The kitchen keeps the Rec Room fully stocked at all times with an astounding array of snacks but the past few days they’ve been slacking so I complained to the Head Chef and within minutes the snack room was magically full. So now I consider myself somewhat of a hero!

Went for a drink with a friend last night in the bar and had two glasses of wine. For some reason it hit me extraordinarily hard and I've been feeling kind of crappy all day. I really don't get it but guess it's because I havn't drank anything for a couple weeks. Weird. Next time I'll stick to Vodka ;)

Union Morality... Gimme a break!

March 30, 2006

I guess I really shouldn’t say that I have nothing to write about while I’m up here.  There are a ridiculous number of things that go on here on a daily basis that absolutely blow my mind.  

Take the phone call that I got yesterday for example.  The first time this lady called she was looking for her husband.  When she told me what company he worked for I told her that he had been moved to another camp.  She was satisfied with this answer and hung up.  

About four hours later the same lady calls back and I had the misfortune of answering the phone.  I could tell by the tone of her voice that she was obviously distraught and when she asked her first question I knew I was in for a weird conversation.  

“Is your staff unionized?” she asked.  I replied that yes the housekeeping and kitchen staff were unionized.  To which she asked where the hell are their moral standards?  Now I was completely confused by this and asked her what she meant.  She proceeded to tell me that she had been a union worker for 17 years and that if people she knew in her union acted the way that people in our union (allegedly) acted that she would be completely ashamed.  

By now I was wondering if she was calling from a mental institution.  “Well what did our people do?” I had to ask.  She then proceeded to tell me that her husband had (allegedly) been messing around with one of our female staff members, whom she referred to as a crack hoe, and that her union would never let that happen.  By this time I was frantically waving my hands trying to get the attention of my co-workers so that they’d rescue me.  My co-workers both walked across the office and stood in front of me mouthing what’s going on?  Well of course I couldn’t tell them I had a crazy lady on the phone so I had to go on listening to her for another five minutes with my co-workers staring at me.  I finally just told the woman that I would pass her thoughts on to the Union rep and that I hoped she found her husband soon.

Strangely enough you’d think that a story like that would be a-typical, well apparently it’s not.  Go figure.

Today I had to go to a meeting that proved to be insane.  All I had to do was take the minutes but I came out of there absolutely frazzled.  One of the most insane meeting experiences I’ve ever had.  For confidentiality reasons I can’t say what was discussed but I can say that in my view the demands of the people that live here are so out of whack with reality it’d make your head spin.

Final story for today, I don’t think I mentioned I got chastised the other day because I cleared my own spot at dinner.  Apparently by picking up my tray and carrying it to the dirty tray cart I was stealing Union jobs.

KS Out!

Grinding to a halt

Tonight was the first time that I really didn’t feel like talking to anyone at dinner and of course it was the first time someone came and sat with me, as opposed to me sitting with them, nice guy and he talked forever and ever and ever and ever.

I have a feeling that this blog is going to get more and more infrequent as my life up here is good and there’s really not all that much worth updating most of the time.  I can only go over the menu so often before all of you stop reading (Prime Rib tonight by the way).

All I can say is that I’m tired and it’s time for bed.  

Karen Armstrong

I first heard of Karen Armstrong while driving along in my truck on my way to Mackenzie a few months ago.  She was the featured guest on CBC’s Tapestry and I found myself completely enthralled with what she was saying.  A few weeks after the broadcast I was wandering around in the Kamloops Chapter’s when I suddenly remembered her name and thought that I should look for one of her books.  Well as luck would have it her latest book, The Spiral Staircase, My Climb out of Darkness, a biography, was inexplicably in the bargain books section so I picked it up for a measly $8.

Throughout the book I have consistently been surprised by many of the insights that Karen has mentioned discovering through the various travails of her life.  Reasons for the surprise vary but they all seem to draw to a final conclusion – I relate.  Below I have taken a few excerpts that particularly stood out among an astonishing book.

“I didn’t want to make those years a dark secret.  After all, I hadn’t robbed a bank or been in prison.’ ‘Despite all my negative feelings about religion, I still felt protective about the nuns and still felt sorrow and regret for a lost ideal.”

When reading this passage, where Karen is relating her experiences going to dinner parties in London where most of the guests were very interested in knowing about her 7 years in a convent as a nun.  Reading about this experience I quite honestly thought about Prairie and the time that I spent there.  For obvious reasons Prairie wasn’t a great period in my life but I do feel I grew out of the experience.  The weird thing I usually hold back on telling people that I went there, yet have a weird pride that I did and still stay in contact with many of the people I met there.  The school is now a part of my personal history and for some reason remains important to me.

“As T.S. Elliot had noted: “time was all we had.  But that night, for once, I was wholly present in the moment, not looking before or after, or pining for what was not.  And the present moment was not a bad place to be.”

Coming upon this passage was absolutely staggering as I have been struggling with the concept of being in the moment for a long time.  My Counsellor often wraps up our sessions with a reminder to live wholly in the present moment and it’s something that I’m really not very good at.  Knowing that someone as accomplished as Karen has the same struggles is comforting.

“As I left the school grounds to wait for the bus that had been the bane of my life during the last six years, I felt as though I were beginning a new journey.  Other people seemed to progress much more smoothly through life, I reflected wryly, as the bus finally crested the hill and roared toward me.  They went through college chose a career and a partner without all this drama.  But that didn’t seem to happen to me.  I kept getting derailed, ejected from one job, one lifestyle after another.  Doors kept slamming in my face.  But had I really wanted to be ordinary; had I really wanted what T.S. Elliot had called “the usual reign”?  I forced myself to remember all the times I had been bored and frustrated by school, despite the regular salary.  I couldn’t have it both ways.  And now, here I was again, heading into the unknown, and yet I felt in some strange way as though I were back on track.  The bus was taking me away from my nice safe job, but it seemed to be going in the right direction.”

This passage happened right after Karen had been fired from her post as a High School Teacher.  A job she absolutely despised and resented, yet it was comfortable.  Even this early in my career having failed more than I’ve succeeded I completely relate.  How is it that it does seem so easy for some people and that their lives just seem to float along merrily with the current while mine seems to be hurtling along in some kind of manic riptide.  Not standing still, just moving along at such an insane pace it seems like it.

Mutiny at the Camp!

The internet was down all day yesterday and most of today and I have to say that I’m dumbfounded at how something like that can cause a camp in the middle of nowhere to just about grind to an absolute halt.  The guys get almost as cranky as I used to when I didn’t have an internet connection while I was travelling.  In fact the entire office and administrative staff were going into web-withdrawal today.

Other than that life is starting to fall into place quite nicely.  This is my daily routine:

1. Get up


2. Look for socks


3. Wander to breakfast in pj’s


4. Go to office to see if co-worker wants breakfast


5. Go back to room and change into gym clothes


6. Work out


7. Shower and change


8. Go to Office & work


9. Eat supper


10. Finish work


11. Check e-mail


12. Watch TV / Read


13. Go to Bed

Repeat next day.  Terribly exciting, tomorrow I think that I’m going to change things up a little and do laundry somewhere between steps 5 & 6.

I just found out that my first turn-around (days off) goes from like Wednesday to the following Tuesday, which I think kind of sucks as I was planning on going to Vancouver for part of it.  We’ll see what’s going to happen I may fly into Calgary and stay there a day or two then go to Vancouver before going home.  Lots of flying…

I would hate to write about the food here again but it's really so tempting... tonight I had Halibut steaks! I also started going to the gym yesterday. Really breaking myself in easy though started with cardio yesterday and did weights today.

Things here in the office have calmed down quite a bit and near the end of the day today things were pretty good. Turns out I still work for the same company that hired me but another company is paying my salary... don't ask it doesn't really make sense to me but it works awesome because this way I'll be able to get references from TWO massive companies!

I do believe the weather here has been warmer than it has been in Edmonton for the past few days. I've only been outside twice but each time the sun has been shining and it's been around 6 degrees. That is causing some major problems on the roads apparently though because the puddles are the size of lakes! That and our roof is leaking torrents of water in some places, I thought the gym was going to have a pool at one point.

Watching some of the people up here is really interesting. There are a hell of a lot of miserable people who are just plain miserable. It's incredible that they're so damned unhappy and mad at the world. These are the people that put holes in the walls, steal the TV's from their rooms, bitch about the food, and just hate life in general. These are the people that it's not worth talking to. Luckily most of the people who work for our company are generally really great and very happy so life is good.

Oh, for any of you who were hoping that I would take some pictures and post them, I'm not allowed to take any pictures of anything because this is an oil company and for security reasons it's strictly prohibited. So sorry no pictures, I'd like to keep my job.

Livin' the life!

OMG I LOVE the FOOD here!  Tonight we had a choice of New York Steak, Chicken Cacciatore, Pizza or Stir-fry.  They’re going to have to get a Hercules to haul my fat ass out of here!

I no longer work for the company that hired me and brought me up here.  Today HR did some people swapping and somehow I ended up moving to another employer.  As far as I know everything is going to work out even better for me though because of this.  OB was officially told that I wasn’t her employee and that she needed to back the hell off.  I’ve been smiling ever since because she’s so pissed.  The fact that she’s completely oblivious to the fact that the office staff despises her is actually quite entertaining as well.  Now because I’m trying to keep a low profile with this kind of stuff and not get involved at all I’m not going to be saying anything more.

So, so far everything here is fan-fricken-tastic!

The not so frozen North.

March 21, 2006

Well the first day is over… finally.  As first days go it was good but there are a lot of things that need to be ironed out.  My number one complaint already is that the Office Manager.  This really isn’t surprising as I knew her from school long before I got here.  In school we’d clashed like nobody’s business and I fear the same thing is going to happen here.  Overall the problem is that she doesn’t know where her power ends and doesn’t seem to realize that I am not her subordinate.  Today I just let it slide because I have information about how things are going to go down tomorrow that she doesn’t.  My job description has changed completely already and I’ll be starting training for it tomorrow.

New job difficulties aside the camp is an excellent place to be.  Everyday my room is cleaned for me and the bed is made.  My room is equipped with a 19” Television/DVD player with 60 satellite channels and the bed is nicer than any I’ve slept in for at least the past 6 months. Fabulous dinners and breakfasts are just waiting for me to show up and when I’m done the plates and leftovers are magically whisked away.  I was even told that our Head Chef cooked for Lady Di for two years!  Now my biggest concern is… not getting fat!

I’m going to bed because this first day has absolutely exhausted me and I need to be fresh for tomorrow as I know it’s going to take everything I’ve got to go keep pretending OB actually knows what she’s talking about and go along with what she’s ‘teaching me’.

Calgary's Better!

March 20, 2006

I’ve decided that the Edmonton airport kind of sucks.  What makes this airport suck?

1. No Starbucks! – How in hell am I supposed to get my Starbucks fix before I go away for three weeks with no Starbucks!  Bloody unfair.


2. Few laptop plug-ins – and I’m not telling where they are so you’ll have to find them yourself.


3. Wireless internet is limited - to some company that I’ve never heard of and a few American companies like Sprint.  C’mon every Starbucks in the country at least has Telus Hotspots… but of course Edmonton has to be different.


4. Calgary’s Airport is a 100 times better! – Calgary is a gorgeous well laid-out airport that makes flying a lot more pleasant.  

That said the airport does have a few redeeming qualities:

1. I nice vacant lounge on the observation deck to kill time in.


2. A Harvey’s

Freakin' Out!

As expected I’m kind of freaking out.  I got a haircut this week by a new stylist because my regular was out of town and I hate how my hair is behaving.  I think I resemble the poodle is all I have to say.  As it’s Sunday all the Salons that are any good are closed and the only other one worth going to is booked solid.  Fuck!  I think I’m just taking out the stress and aggravation I’m feeling though on my hair.  This morning Sister woke me up when she kept repeatedly calling me asking for help with her move, essentially this really wasn’t a big deal but more time would have been nice!

I think I need to go take some more vitamins or drink something to calm me down.

Date number two went really well. The more time I spend with this girl the more I enjoy her company. Very frank and honest and very funny.

It's Fresh!

I just realized that it was exactly a year ago today that my time with The Hudson’s Bay Company came to an end.  Strangely ironic that I’ll be starting a new job on Monday!  Life is funny with its little twists and turns isn’t it?

Today is really making leaving so much easier as I’m just sitting around the house with the Poodle.  I’m looking forward to starting fresh somewhere else.  

On the Move!

Well I’m on the move again.  I’m getting things ready to move out of The Barons.  This morning I went to Kelowna and bought some pants at GAP and ended up buying a merino wool sweater for $7!  Now I’m really tired again.

This is kind of fun... what's your theme song, mine's 'Let's get it on' by Marvin Gaye.

Grey's Anatomy

Very rarely in life have I ever connected with a television character but I have to say that I presently empathize in a very deep way with George from Grey’s Anatomy.

I went to a 90^th Birthday today and had quite a nice time. This couple always astonishes me as he is now 90 and she is 92. They are both still very current and extremely interested in what’s going on in the world. For his 90^th birthday he was very excited to receive his very first digital camera. I’m not sure what it was but he’d been studying Consumer Reports for months and finally made a decision. If I make it that long I hope I can be as cool as those two.

I have to admit that I’m feeling a little jealous tonight. The family went for dinner and after that I went with Sister to go and see her new place. She’s now renting a HUGE house with a friend from work. The place is very nice with a huge kitchen and living room, yard and even air-conditioning. So as I gear up for moving into my place at camp I’m feeling slightly envious.

This week is going to be a whirl-wind of activity. Tomorrow I’m going to Kelowna to do some shopping, as I’m not to wear jeans while working at the camp I’ll need some new things. Then I have to move my stuff out of The Barons because if by some miracle he does sell the house while I’m gone it’d be a good idea to have my stuff out. I work from Tuesday till Saturday then Monday I’m gone. I’m kind of glad that I’m working all week because it will presumably give me less time to worry about starting my new job.

The Date

Just because I know you’re all dying to know, the date was entirely enjoyable.  She was funny, intelligent and beautiful.  We had an excellent meal at Ric’s Grill and then made our way over to the wine tasting.  Tasted some truly fantastic wines and had quite a few good laughs.  After they kicked us out of the wine tasting we went for dessert and I dropped her off at her place, all in all a truly fantastic evening.  It’s true what they say though, just when the timing is completely wrong is when you’re going to meet someone.  Nine more days until I leave for camp.

Are You Selfish?

Why does it seem that so many people in my generation are so selfish?  I have been contemplating this a lot lately as I seem to have been running into a number of people whose actions have been incredibly selfish.  Now talking about it with my Parents they have told me that the 20’s tend to be an inherently selfish age but I would like to disagree with them.  I don’t consider myself selfish (although I suppose some could see me that way…) and I have a number of good friends who are the furthest from selfish anyone could get.  

So I don’t know people how ‘bout some of you actually comment on this and let me know what you’re thinking?  Is the generation in their 20’s right now really selfish or is it just me over-reacting to a few isolated incidents?


Discuss!

It's FRIDAY!

I have a date tonight!  I’m looking forward to it quite a lot actually because it’s a chance to get out of the house and do something fun.  We’re going out for dinner and then we’re going to a wine tasting.  I met her at the ill fated New Years Eve party and we really hit it off.

I’m off work today and will be puttering around just enjoying the freedom.  Have a good day everyone!

Loneliness

Artist: Annie Lennox
Album: Bare

Loneliness
Is a place that I know well
It's the distance between us
And the space inside ourselves
And emptiness....
Is the chattering in your head
It's the call of the living
And the race from life to death

Woa and I know
Yes and I know
What you feel...
And I've got a longin'
That's hard to find
Won't give me no peace of mind
Something that I've lived with all along
Days and weeks and months and years
Filling in the time my dear
Tryin' to find the place where I belong

Hopelessness
is the darkness in your heart
It's the sound of one hand clapping
While it's pulling you apart
Woa and I know
Yes and I know
What you feel

And
I've got a longin'
That's hard to find
Won't give me no peace of mind
Something that I've lived with all along
Days and weeks and months and years
Filling in the time my dear
Tryin' to find the place where I belong

And
I got a hunger that's
Hard to fill
Driving me on overkill
Tellin' me that everything's gone wrong
Got me a need
That I can't break
More than I can hardly take
Somehow I still keep on going strong

When I call your name
I'm gonna scream out loud
I'll say..."here I am standing in the crowd
"You'll say "come to me"
With your open mind
you never know
What you still might find
"But you keep me here
Like a cancelled flight
An empty train
Running through the night
An orphan child
A broken shoeand I'm still down here
Looki' out for you
Are you there for me?
'Cause I'm here for you

Ever since I heard this song it’s resonated with me in a way no song ever has before. Somewhat of a theme song for my life, I’m really feeling it tonight.

Just for Kicks

I was going to go to Vancouver this weekend but then I went out last weekend and bought three new pairs of… SHOES!  Yay, shoes.  I’m a dork.

Shakin' in my boots!

People keep asking me if I’m excited at the prospect of my new job.  I honestly can’t say that I’m “excited” so much as slightly scared because it’s yet another new horizon.  As has seemed to be a pattern in my life lately I’m heading off into something new and completely unknown.  The nice thing is that I’m not necessarily alone in this because I do have a friend working up there, in fact she’s the one that got me the job, though as she’s in management and is significantly older than I am it looks like I’m back to square one for making friends and meeting people again.  I think the scariest part of the whole situation is the unknown but that’s a dragon I’ve dealt with numerous times before and I’m sure will continue to deal with throughout life.

With everything in life comes choices and with every choice you wonder if you’ve made the right one.  I sit here at 26 and think “is this the best choice that you can make for this time in your life?”  Some of the things that concern me about this option are the semi-nomadic life that I’ll be living yet again.  Far away up North living in a place that is provided for me but is certainly not my home.  On weeks off where will I find myself?  Much of the time I imagine I’ll find myself back in Vernon with family but the option for foreign travel is definitely there.  But then the question begs to be asked “with who?”  I know that this is a fantastic opportunity in terms of if I make sound decisions now and don’t do anything impulsive or stupid I could literally be setting a financial and career foundation for the rest of my life but what of life beyond finance and career?

Good-Bye House.

The cold that I had is almost completely gone.  I guess my whining about my immune system and all the vitamins I take was premature because the cold didn’t even really last a week.

I didn’t mention in the last few posts but The Baron has put the house up for sale and has started the process of buying another place.  So it looks like we’re going to be moving in the next little while when this place sells.  Like everyone else who has ever been here I’m really going to miss this house.  I’ve considered it a great privilege to have been able to live here for as long as I have (although it was completely unplanned that I would be here for so long) and I have been pretty darn happy here.  I think the amazing views are what I’ll miss the most, that and the patio where we eat in the summer.  What I won’t miss is the miniscule kitchen and the main bathroom that is right off of the dinning area.  

At this juncture I’m not really sure where I’ll be going to from here because with the camp job happening I won’t really need much of a place to live because I’ll be working and living in camp for three weeks.  For my one week off I’m foreseeing myself being somewhat of a nomad.  With no real home base there’s nothing stopping me from spending time wherever I want to for that week.  Of course I’ll probably come back to Vernon for most of those weeks, especially those in the summer, but during the winter I can see myself booking myself into an all inclusive resort in Cuba or something… My main goal for this job is to make a lot of money and invest so that I’ll be able to have choices that don’t necessarily hinge on financial need.  I still want to look into the possibility of opening Narcissus, I’d like to own a condo in Kelowna at some point (I’ve been thinking of that in particular because if I’m gone for the three weeks I could rent out the place to some room mates and have them pay the mortgage), just make some smart decisions that would help lead to a place where I wouldn’t have to work for the rest of my life.

Northward Ho! (?)

Well I think that I’m going North.  Got the call this morning and I think the whole thing is going to go really well.  Only possible problem is that they want me there on the 20th and my current job likely needs me until the first of April.

(Immune) System Down!

Well the sick has hit full on, stupid cold.  I don’t even know why I got it this time.  Usually when I get this cold it’s because I’m tired and run down.  This time I think it got me purely out of spite.  You’d think that with all of Vitamins that I take I’d have a super immune system.  Apparently it doesn’t seem to work that way.

Sick

The fact that I’m not working this week has possibly turned out to be a good thing.  I’m getting sick.

Fuck You for Coming Here!

I’m having a hard time keeping my cool tonight.  I’m not even sure what set me off but I realized just how frustrated I was when I caught myself swearing at the top of my lungs at The Apprentice tonight.  No reason at all for me to get that frustrated over a TV show.  Then The Baron walked in and pronounced that it was the stupidest show on TV and I just about went off on him to!

I’m contemplating going to Calgary this weekend.  The Baron is driving up on Friday and I would stay with my friend Sarah and then fly home on Sunday.  I was originally thinking about going to Vancouver but Peter is going through some stuff and I don’t think it would be good for me to be around.  Mostly because he may have an effect on me.  So I’m contemplating going to Calgary even though I know that I really can’t afford it but I really need to get the hell out of here again.

This week I’m hardly working.  Lots of free time, I don’t work tomorrow or Friday and the other two days I only work about half a day.  Even though this should sound great I do not like the fact that I’ve got all this time to sit around thinking.

artist: Brad Paisley Lyrics

song : When I Get Where I'm Going (Feat. Dolly Parton)

When I get where I'm going
On the far side of the sky
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly

I'm gonna land beside a lion
And run my fingers through his mane
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

(Chorus:)
Yeah when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I'm going
Don't cry for me down here

I'm gonna walk with my grand daddy
And he'll match me step for step
And I'll tell him how I missed him
Every minute since he left
Then I'll hug his neck

(Chorus:)
Yeah when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I'm going
Don't cry for me down here

So much pain and so much darkness
In this world we stumble through
All these questions I can't answer
So much work to do

But when I get where I'm going
And I see my maker's face
I'll stand forever in the light
Of his amazing grace
Yeah when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
Hallelujah
I will love and have no fear
When I get where I'm going
Yeah when I get where I'm going

I found this song online a week or so ago and I absolutely love it. It's a little depressing but overall it speaks to me of hope.

I did not end up going to the College and Career group tonight and instead went to hang with my Kelowna friends. I figure that I will go to the CnC one night but I prefer to go on a night when they actually have an event planned so I don't have to entertain myself. The fact that these kids are all so young is really a stumbling block for me. The Baron said well 26 really isn't all that far from 20 to which I replied that's true but the life experiences we've had are light years away already.

Choices that suck.

Ugh, what do I do now?  Was invited to a ‘party’ with the College and Career group at my Parents church tonight (I know this was a forced invite because I’m sure my Mom asked the kid to call me (how pathetic am I?)) or I could go to Kelowna and attend church with some friends there and then go out for appies.  I know which one I would prefer to do but I wonder if maybe I should go to the one here to possibly meet some of the people from town.  I generally really dislike College and Career ‘parties’ though.  The fact that I’m no longer in College and don’t really have a Career doesn’t help.  Ugh, just bound to be a gross situation either way.

Home

It hit me yesterday afternoon.  I was wondering why I was feeling all grumpy and irritable when I was so close to the end of the trip and would be going home.  There’s nothing to be home for!

Help! Companies need workers.

Everything that could possibly have went wrong in Mackenzie did.  Overall the trip went fine though.

Well I’m back at Starbucks in PG.  I’m looking forward to moving on out tomorrow and heading to Quesnel.  Tonight my rant has to do with the job market again.  Man Power the recruiting agency released a warning today that certain sectors of the economy are facing sever shortages.  Naturally these areas just happen to be the areas that I’m looking for a job in and that’s could be really frustrating.  Why I say that it could be frustrating is because I’m trying a new approach to the whole thing.  One of the books that I just finished reading Your Best Life Now by Joel Osteen (a life changing book, for me anyway) made the point that God’s timing is not ours.  I’ve seen this before in my life so knowing that I’m where I’m supposed to be helps keep the frustration at bay.

In other news I’m quickly becoming addicted to the new Canadian soap Falcon Beach.  I’ve been downloading episodes and it’s really quite good.

TIME HAS STOPPED!

Someone call the National Research Council!  Time has stopped.  It seems to have completely stopped for the past four years in Mackenzie!  Seriously, I drove into town today and although I haven’t been here in four years EVERYTHING is the same.  I drove straight to my chosen restaurant and was stunned that they’re still using the exact same menu.  I guess the thinking must be why change if you’ve got a winner.  Although to be fair I did notice one major change at the restaurant, they’re using square plates now!  Toot, toot for the Merebello!

My usual hotel the lovely Williston Lake Lodge has done a few reno’s and the hotel room is much nicer than many I stay in and they have wireless internet.  While chatting with the manager upon checking in I was explaining my frustration with finding internet access while travelling through Alberta, to which she replied “I know we were staying in Westlock for a month and I couldn’t get access anywhere and just about went out of my mind so the first thing I did when I got back here was buy a wireless router”.

For some reason I’m really tired tonight and I’m tossing around the idea of calling it an early night.  My start time tomorrow is 530 which means that I’ll have to get up around 445 which really doesn’t make me happy.  I think I’ll watch Desperate Housewives and download Grey’s Anatomy tomorrow.

Muhammad is... Gay?

(Please don't set me on fire or proclaim a jihad against me for the title of this post if you will read on you'll realize that it really doesn't make any sense and is just something that I'm using to get people to read my post! )

Ok, this whole Muhammad cartoon issue is just WAY out of hand. I just read an article, about the whole fiasco, from the New York Times below. I finally googled the cartoons out of sheer curiosity and it must just be my ignorance about some aspect of the issue but I really don’t understand what big deal is. I’m tempted to post them on my blog as many others are doing just to support the notion of free speech but frankly I just couldn’t be bothered.

While I’m in controversial subject mode – I watched Brokeback Mountain last night. I really have to say that I after watching it I’m completely astounded about the controversy / rave reviews this film is generating. I have just read differing reviews from Plugged In a Focus on the Family publication and the New York Times Movie Review (apparently I really like the New York Times) I tried to find a review of the film on gay.com but ironically they don’t have one. Ironic because they have vast amounts of web-space devoted to the actors, premise, ground breakingness of the film but no actual review. I don’t think that any of the reviews of this film that I read actually do it justice. So with that in mind I’ll share some of my thoughts.

The scenery in the film is absolutely astounding, especially at the beginning when they are out herding sheep. The soundtrack just irritated me, constant picking at a guitar just doesn’t do it for me I suppose. As an actor Heath Ledger truly does deserve an Oscar for his performance in the film.

Frankly while beautiful and well acted the film almost verged on boring me. I didn’t really see it as the tragic love story that many activists would have us believe it is but I also didn’t see it as a threat to modern society as many right wing organizations would like us to. If anything the film should be viewed as exposing gay love for what it is - impossible and torturous. I had absolutely no sympathy for the two men in the film but rather my heat cried out for their families.

The argument is made that because of the time period the characters didn’t have any other choices but I would disagree. If they really were all that interested in being together and they really were as in love as they believed themselves to be then somehow they could have made it work.

The overall mood the movie left me in was irritation. Irritation over the fact that I had plunked down $9.50 to go and see this movie that ultimately left me very unsatisfied. Ang Lee can I have my Money back?

I've been reading various books lately that deal with my personal situation and as each of them talks about eventual freedom I know that I've still got some deep seated hatred or anger or someting(!) going on that I have to deal with but I don't know how to or even what it actually is. I just know that it has something to do with the church... or rather the people it is made up of and that until I get that figured out I'm likely not going to be able to make a huge amount of progress.

Northern Money...

How does a Northern Economy work?  I am at a loss as to try and explain it and it’s really starting to bug me.  Take the Price George Tim Horton’s for example (the one on they high-way across from the Spruce Land Mall) everyday since I’ve got here I’ve gone there in the morning to get breakfast and lunch.  EVERY SINGLE TIME they’ve got some aspect of my lunch wrong.  I’ve asked for no tomatoes (they makes my sandwich soggy by the time I’m ready to eat it) and I’ve got tomatoes.  I ask for tuna, I get chicken.  I ask for a chocolate glaze and I get… a regular glaze.  This is not hard people!  I’m currently sitting in Starbucks (yeah, I know I’m a Starbucks whore) drinking my Venti Strawberry Lemonade Frappuchino that I got for free because they screwed up my drink order the other day (Personal De-café Americano) and made me wait forever.

Whenever you talk to anyone about the current state of the Northern economy you invariably hear tales of the insane money that people are making.  This seems to be the prevailing excuse across BC and Alberta for why service in fast food and restaurants is so deplorable even though these companies are paying $10 and up.  The argument seems to be that everyone is getting all these big money jobs and there’s no one to work the crappy fast food jobs.  Well how can that be when it’s just physically impossible for everyone to do these big money jobs; not to mention that many people don’t really even want these jobs for various reasons.

So that ends my query about the Northern economy if anyone can explain it to me I’d love to know why it’s impossible to get good, hell I’d settle for competent, service in the North.  Meanwhile I’m going to sit back and wait for my big money Northern job to call.

Starbuckian Angst

“Get rhythm, when you get the blue, c’mon get rhythm when you get the blues…” The sounds of Johnny Cash float through the air, the intoxicating scent of dark roasted coffee two step up my nose, people in Prince George speak Italian, ‘I ASKED FOR A GRANDE!’ And I’m starting to think that I am spending too much time in Starbucks.  

Last night, courtesy of Starbucks, I very amusedly watched a first date.  It was horrifying.  The first year College / University boy trying to wit his date into submission was wearing a green shirt that stated in huge block letters I’m a Keeper.  He was one of those very animated first years who kept bouncing around in his chair and drew lots of attention to himself.  I had to keep my eyes fixed on my computer screen because I just about burst into hysterical laughter.  Happily, for him, the antics seemed to be paying off and his date seemed to be having a good time… I just wonder how long before he’ll wear off on her.

Past two days have been long, making up for the very lax schedule I’ve had for the past few weeks.  Thursday was 13 hours and today was 10.5.  Happily tomorrow is only about 4 or 5 but it starts at 6 and I forgot / can’t find my toque so I actually have to get up and have a shower and deal with my hair.

Having a rough go of it.

I am really having a rough time right now.  I just seemed to start this trip off in the wrong frame of mind and it’s just not changing, even though I’m doing all I know to change it, so that is really frustrating.  I want to cry, scream, give up, and just go away in general.

Happy Singles Awareness Day!

Well everyone Happy Singles Awareness Day! What a fucking stupid excuse to buy a bunch of shit. As I’m sure you can tell I’m not in the greatest mind-set right now to want to deal with this day. I ended up going to McDonalds for supper again tonight. My first choice was Earl's and when I walked in and had to give my name for a table for one I kept scratching my head and asking myself why in hell there was such a huge wait and why all these couples were standing around... wait... wait... look at my watch... wait... the date on the watch finally registers and I turn on my heel and leave not wanting to be the only person in Earl's tonight on my own. Even though I have a perfectly legitamite reason.

I’m in Prince George and found out the hotel that I’m staying in doesn’t have net access! How could I be so stupid as to make reservations somewhere and not check to make sure they have net access? So I’m sitting at Starbucks using the hotspot network. Now in order to do this I called Telus on my cell and asked them how I could get access cheaper then the outrageous $10 charge they want for an hour. Wouldn’t you know it I signed up for monthly service for $25. The first month is free and I can cancel it after the first month if I find that I don’t use it… which I’m sure I won’t as this is really the first time I’ve ever needed it and that’s because cancelling the room and moving to a hotel that I usually stay in with access would mean they would charge a fee and the boss really wouldn’t like that. So while the concept of the hotspot is fantastic it’s just to bloody expensive. If it was $2.50 for an hour I’d more than happily fork that over, but not $10. So now that I have access what to do? Well update the blog, check the e-mail accounts, finish downloading a TV show I wanted to watch, maybe chat a bit with some friends if they’re on and that’s about it.

I’ve been in a really frustrated frame of mind all day actually. Even though the jobs went fine I feel really emotional. I think part of the reason is that this time every year for the past like 5 years I’ve gone down to Vancouver to blow off steam and just hang out with friends. Doesn’t look like it’s going to happen for a while though which is to bad. Is it ok to admit that I’m lonely? On Valentines no less.



Is it also ok to want to go over and bitch slap the people giggling together over their stupid fucking steamed milks?

Those Days

Ever have one of those days where you just wish it was tomorrow?  Those days where you just exist… today has been one of those.

The grass is as green as it needs to be!

Tomorrow I leave for a two week jaunt through Northern BC hitting all the high spots with a visit to my absolute favourite of all BC towns (insert highly sarcastic tone here) Mackenzie.  Everyone working for our company has a particular place they irrationally hate, for some it’s Trail, others it’s Fort Nelson (which is a close second for me), but for me Mackenzie definitely takes first prize.  I think it’s because Mackenzie was the first trip I ever did when I was 18 and lets just say that the experience scarred me.  So thankfully I’m only in Mackenzie for a night or two then I’ll be back to normal society.

Last night thoughts of life in Vancouver really came back to me hard and resulted in disturbing dreams all night.  The dreams weren’t disturbing in the typical sense of horror or whatever else a disturbing dream connotes but rather they focused on all the good times I had and omitted any reference to the bad times.  Needless to say by the time I woke up I was almost let down to see that I’d awoke next to Okanagan Lake in Vernon, poor me.  It’s funny what our subconscious can try and tell us.

I am dying to go out and party right now though.  The recent bout of sitting at home watching movies on weekends just isn’t really doing it for me anymore.  I need a little fun and excitement.  I really think a trip to Vancouver is in order.

The grass is as green as it needs to be!  A good mantra to remember.

Horrors! Horrors!

The test results left me with a cold feeling of horror; like I had just slipped on a large dead squid or something.  “That absolutely can’t be correct” I told the Nurse.  Alas though, she confirmed that it was.  February 10, 2006 will forever go down as the day that I was told by my Naturopath that I was allergic to… COFFEE!


Let the dirge begin.





PS – I’m highly suspect of this diagnosis though because I’ve never knowingly had a reaction to coffee (the caffeine is another story) so I’m going to call and get them to explain more to me about what the hell they’re saying.  I’m not giving this one up with-out at least a half-hearted fight.

We're getting a bout of absolutely amazing weather here in the Okanagan. Looking outside you'd swear it was Summer... well aside from the general nakedness of the trees. I was in Penticton area yesterday and I took a few phenomenal pictures, of Skaha lake and the general conditions, with my phone but due to a Telus error (which was a result of having sent my phone in for repairs) they are lost in cyberspace now.

After a fairly busy and VERY tiring week today was a very short day for which I'm grateful. A Doctors appointment and then Pizza with The Baron then coffee with a friend. I think I'm going to play racketball with my Dad too. It's a good day.

I'm not trying to piss you off man!

I had a headache and I was really in no mood for stupidity.  So when Andrew walked in for his appointment eating a muffin and drinking a Pepsi® at 9 this morning I wasn’t really impressed.  I told him that he would have to do something about his food because he was here for work and it wasn’t a break.  To which he replied “well I was just finishing my break and the Foreman told me to come over here!”  “That’s really not my problem now is it?”  I asked.  He decided that he would go wait outside until he was finished his snack.  I started working with another guy and about 2 minutes into what I was doing Andrew wrenched open the door to the truck (which requests very clearly in large turquoise letters ‘Please DO NOT OPEN DOOR’) and walked back in.  At this point I was seething.  “Obviously you can’t read?” I said; “I didn’t see it!...  I’m not trying to piss you off man!”  It was the second half of that statement that made me realize that I was TOTALLY blowing the situation out of perspective and really I was the one with the problem not Andrew he was just a dumb kid who really didn’t know any better.  

After I was finished with Andrew I wrote down I’m not trying to piss you off man! On a piece of paper and left it on my desk.  It really was a good reminder for the rest of the day whenever I was starting to get snarky for no good reason that the problem was mine and not the people I was working with.

'Interesting' People

Today I had two interesting “Customers” one walked into the back of the truck did what she needed to then turned, stared at the back wall with a very confused look on her face and asked “how do I get out of here?”  I just pointed to the door that she had used to enter, with what I suppose was a look of incredulity on my face.  The second ‘special’ person that I saw started ranting about WCB to me and a claim that they had denied him 8 years earlier.  He literally talked about it for 20 minutes after I had said good-bye.  I even started cleaning my desk and putting things away and tried to ignore him and that didn’t even get him out faster.  If he hadn’t have been the father-in-law of the owner of the company that I was at I would have told him to go away because I didn’t care much sooner.

Getting Intimate...

Today was spent doing very little of anything.  I attended church with my parents as it was a special service to celebrate the retirement of the Pastor and his wife who have been there for 15 years meaning that they are pretty much the only Pastoral significance I’ve ever had.  They are fantastic people but I’m looking forward to a Pastor who is actually a better preacher.  

After church I had lunch with Sister at Starbucks and then I came home.  Spent the afternoon divided between the computer and some reading.  The Baron and I just had a light supper and now I’m here.

Thinking about some of the events of the past while and the causes for some of my actions I think that I’ve pinpointed a major desire.  My life is, and has been, lacking a sense of intimacy or connection with someone.  Now I’m not talking in a sexual way rather just a feeling of being able to connect with someone.  Someone you don’t have to talk to but can be comfortable just sitting with.  It’s a longing that’s been growing stronger and stronger and it’s terribly hard to ignore.  A somewhat dreadful feeling but one that I’m glad to be aware of.  Once your aware of something it makes it much easier to deal with as opposed to trying to fight the unknown demon that torments you.

Back from a VERY quick trip to Vancouver. As usual, when in Vancouver, I packed as many friends as I could into the few hours that I had to visit. Had breakfast with MC, Brunch with my buddy Ed whom I used to work with at The Bay (and found out today for the first time that we almost ended up as part of each other's extended family. My Uncle P was engaged to Ed's Sister-in-law! How crazy is that! It's insane that we've been friends for quite a while now and this is the first time that it's ever come up. My Dad and I just stared at each other dumbfounded when Ed mentioned Uncle P's name today. Talk about a small world!), then hooked up with my friend V who is helping me get a job at the Northern Camps that I mentioned earlier. Then I stopped VERY breifly at my old Zellers in Delta, Dad's meeting was 5 mins away, and visited with a friend there. Then Dad and I drove home. Lots of people for one day. Overall it was a very good trip.

Interviewing Skills?

God that was the worst interview I’ve ever gone to.  The fact that I did the interviewing should tell you how bad the interviewer at this company was.  Once I realized that the company was a finance company as in the ‘AVCO’ or ‘Household Finance’ companies of yesteryear I knew I had no interest in working there.  NEXT!

Just think of all the Petro-Points!

On the travelling theme, I did my gas logs today for my truck (not including the driving I’ve done in the other trucks this month) and logged over 3,800kms in January… and it’s been a pretty slow month!

I've Been Everywhere Man, I've Been Everywhere!

Well I’m back from Edmonton via – Edson, Hinton, Jasper & Blue River.  I have decided that Hinton is the town in Alberta that I hate the most.  The place stinks and the people that I saw all seem to be some variation of inbreeding.  That and the client there was a fucking ass-hole who made me sit around doing nothing for 3.5 hours because they were SO busy.  Really weird because while I was sitting around in their waiting room it didn’t seem that busy to me!

Last night I spent the night in Blue River which seemed like a variation of hell.  No cell, no cable, no internet!

Now I’m back at home and trying to get mentally prepared for my job interview tomorrow.  It’s been a while since I’ve had a job interview so while I’m not nervous I hope I come across as the polished young gentleman I am.

Thursday I go to Vancouver overnight with my Dad and will be back sometime Friday night.

All in all a typical reasonably busy week.

I've been in Edmonton since Tuesday and have so far had a very plesant time with Raph and Wifey. Yesterday to kill time I hung out at The Mall for a couple hours and ended up finding a few good deals. I don't know how it happens but everytime I come to Edmonton I find awesome deals in the stores.

As both Raph and Wifey are working I've been entertaining myself for the most part. For tonight I have taken over responsibilities as gues chef for their weekly Friday feast... so I really hope it's good. Heck who am I kidding I'm a great cook!

Tuesday night as we were sitting around the table eating supper I was just struck with how surreal the whole situation was. Sitting in my best friends city apartment with his wife eating a typical weeknight meal that he had prepared. God are we growing up fast!

Go Conservative!

It’s finally over!  We have a Conservative Government in Canada.  I predict we’ll be at the polls again in 18 months.  

A Reminder

Just so you don’t forget….

VOTE!
Stand Up for Canada!

Goin Campin' (?)

I talked to the friend I mentioned last post, the one that works for the hospitality company for remote camps, about the Assistant Manager’s position today.  Over the course of the conversation and after discussing it with my Dad I have decided to send in my resume.  She is actually going to the same camp and logically convinced me that it would be an excellent opportunity.  The money isn’t quite as good as I mentioned last post but it’s still more money than I’ve ever made in my life, and is still more than most people make, and room and board are free!  Not to mention that it’s only three weeks of work with every fourth week off and they’ll fly you to Edmonton, Vancouver, Calgary or Montreal as well as give you an extra $100 towards any extra travel from those locations.  If the job is offered to me and I decide to take it, it’s likely that I’d be able to have my remaining debts paid off (including my car) within 6 months!  

The position is Assistant Manager of a commissary and Tim Horton’s (I’m not sure how the Timmy’s works in there) and all training is included.  My friend pointed out what I’ve already figured out… all companies down here want experienced people and there are just too many boomers running around to make it worth while to hire a young inexperienced person.  If I get the position and it works out the experience alone would be invaluable and the money would be absolutely amazing.

I’ll be sure to keep ya’ll updated.

330AM

I don’t know why my body actually finds it painful to wake up at 300AM to be at work at 330AM but none-the-less it does.  I’m sitting here at the mill working and the time on the computer clock reads 336AM (I’ll be posting this later so the times will not match).  My neck muscles are really tight and my eyes feel scratchy.  The eyes I can understand but the neck muscles?  It’s strange how every grave yard shift I work this happens, must just be my body’s way of dealing with being up and working at such a weird time.  I’m sitting here clutching my Tim Horton’s double-double and listening to upbeat music on the computer in a bid to keep my energy up (maybe if I can convince myself I’m actually in a club the time won’t bother me so much!  Right…).

I guess the past week has been relatively hum-drum, but in a good way, as there really hasn’t been all that much to write about.  Last weekend I had a bit of a meltdown on Saturday night as a result of state of my social life.  After working all week alone in Castlegar I arrived home to an empty house, as my parents were in Saskatchewan, and nothing to do, with no one to do it with.  At that point I decided the most rational thing to do would be to work on my business plan and drink a bottle of wine (probably not the best way of dealing with things but hey who are you to judge!).  I ended up calling random people across the country.  So I ended up talking to people in the three Western Provinces and spending about 4 hours on the phone.  Not bad for a guy with a bottle of wine and a phone.  I think that it’s really weird how the loneliness just came out and hit me.  Part of the problem of course is the fact that being on the road makes it virtually impossible to meet people in town and all of my friends who actually are in town have families.  Just another chapter in life.

I’m trying to look at the job situation in a positive way.  I’ve been searching out jobs on the internet at companies that I would like to work for.  I’ve decided that I’m not going to take just any job, just for the sake of getting a job.  While it’s tempting to do just that I’m looking at my resume and realizing that it looks like I’ve been purposely job jumping for the past few years.  I’m not sure if employers are considering the fact that last year alone I worked for three different companies a bad thing or not.  Unfortunately I’m also thinking that most companies are looking for experienced people only.  The problem is that they can get the experience because there are so many boomers running around.  I really feel that it’s short sighted on the company’s part though to hire people that are going to be moving on really quickly though.  There is something to be said for youth.

A friend of mine who works for a large Canadian food services company (they’re in charge of cafeterias in everything from logging camps to hospitals) called me the other night and told me about an Assistant Manager’s position in a camp somewhere that is 3 weeks in and 1 week out.  Typically I wouldn’t even consider this because I hate not having a home base so much but the job starts around at around $80,000 and that does make it worth considering but I’m pretty sure that’s all I’ll be doing with it.  If I ever did decide that I was going to do it I would tell myself that I would only do it for a year to make money.  The problem with that, and I see it everyday in this job, is that you commit yourself to a year and then you end up getting far to used to the amount of money that your making and it gets really hard to go back and make a much lower salary after.

I seem to be waffling really bad on starting my own business to.  There are times when I convince myself that I should just do it… after-all what do I really have to lose?  Visiting Janet on Monday I went around with her as she gathered some lose threads for her business.  Knowing that she’s doing it really seems to bother me because I know that if she can do it than there’s no reason that I can’t do it.  I have to admit thought that it’s scary as hell to contemplate actually doing.  Dreaming is one thing, doing is another entirely.

I had the pleasure last night of having dinner and visiting with friends at their home in Lac La Hach.  I was actually friends with their daughter in Vernon when we were in high-school but have always kept in touch with them as well.  Their story is one of true joy and hardship.  They have been exceptionally poor and worth Millions (to the tune of 16 or so).  Right now they are back to being exceptionally poor but talking with them you’d be hard pressed to see evidence of that in their mood and outlook.  Telling them about Narcissus they were very encouraging reminding me that without taking a risk you’ll never know what could have been.  When two people who have gone through as much as they have can look at life and tell you that without being bitter that’s a pretty big testament to their beliefs.  

Well it’s now 500 only 9 more hours!

Don't worry I am still alive. I'm in Williams Lake. Just don't feel like writing now. Catch ya in a couple days I'm sure.

Down With The National Playlist!

Travelling as extensively as I do has given me what I like to think of as a unique perspective on the CBC.  First off any of you who know me and have ever talked about this subject with me should well know that I really like most of the CBC’s programming.  Previously the major exception has been Bill Richardson and his show The Roundup which is on sometime in the afternoon.  I fucking HATE listening to that God damned Smarmy Richardson.  Now I’m sure he’s really a very nice fellow but gimme a break and quick with the fucking voice!  That and I do believe I have hated just about every fucking song that dumb bastard has ever played, and what the fuck is with the whole “Sadie the Sad Goat” thing!  GOD!  So on that note everytime I hear that oh so familiar entry music my hand automatically reaches over and turns the radio off.  I’ve found that driving in complete silence is so much more preferable to listening to The Roundup.

What brought on this rant about the CBC?  Well today after finally giving in and listening to almost a full show of The National Playlist I just couldn’t take it anymore.  I’ve decided that there is much bitch slapping that is needed to go on at the CBC.  Specifically Gian Gomeshi (sp?) and the National Playlist producers (his guests can generally be excused because they’re not the ones in charge of actually putting on this terrible show).  Who was the fucking brilliant producer that decided that we need such a thing as The National Playlist?  Didn’t it occur to them that people who listen to CBC generally listen because they want well informed programming on political and social issues that actually matter in this country?  If I seriously wanted to know what some self-important intellectual was listening to and why they believe that it’s worthy of subjecting the entire country to then I’d just think back my High School days and try and remember what Raphael was listening to!  Seriously more obscure, much loathed music could / should not be found anywhere on a Public Broadcaster!  And Gian (sp?) you live in Calgary!  Hardly the most happening place in the Canadian music scene!  DOWN WITH THE NATIONAL PLAYLIST!  Canada is a diverse country and I believe that people can choose what to listen to on their own.  If they can’t then God forgive them for being so pathetic and may their entry Visa’s to South East Malizie Farm be granted that much quicker!

Castlegar (again!)

I spent the majority of the day today sitting in a coffee shop in Castlegar working on my Narcissus business plan.  I think I made some pretty good progress and managed to get the marketing and promotions plan done.  I’m up to nine pages on this thing now and everyone who I’ve shown it to have been pretty impressed.  So far I haven’t had one person tell me they think that it’s not going to work.  I really hope those people are just telling me they think it works so as not to hurt my feelings.

Boredom is NOT good for me.  Old habits start to pop up and it’s just not good.

I’m looking forward to going to Edmonton in a couple of weeks time.  It’s been arranged so that I’ll be able to spend the weekend and / or significant time with Raph and Wifey.  Looking forward to it.

Ive had a revelation

I’ve had a revelation I dislike not being busy but I’m thinking back to my HBC days and life was SO stressful and frenzied and I was so miserable that I completely wore myself out.  I need to find a medium between these two lives I’m living / lived.

Ping Pong

Went to Steve’s Ping Pong event tonight and I really tried to have a good time and actually did end up enjoying it.  The event totally drove home how much I don’t ‘fit’ in that group though.  All the guys there were either my Dad’s age or slightly older or were close to my age (within 10 years) and had wives and kids waiting for them at home.  All great guys but I seriously didn’t fit.

  I’m smiling as I write this because my typical response to this situation would be to dwell upon how unfair life was and how much things sucked but tonight I’m comfortable in the understanding that I’m right where I should be.  For whatever reason I find myself here and you know what… it’s a reasonably good place to be.  Slightly lonely at times but it’s important to remember that the only constant in life is change.  

Its Saturday.

It’s one of those Saturdays where you really don’t want to do anything… and I haven’t.  Well nothing productive or useful anyway.  

Last night was our Staff ‘Holiday’ party at The Italian Kitchen and surprisingly it turned out to be really fun.  I think it was the copious amounts of food and wine.  Then as luck would have it Uncle P stopped in to visit Sister so he came and joined me at the table for a drink.  After that we went to Monashee’s Vernon’s sort of most happening place and had a few drinks with some friends of his.  The most interesting part of the night was when a former High School crush came over and started talking to me.  I didn’t even know she was back in town as the last time that I’d ever seen her was a year out of High School and she was living in Victoria and taking Nursing.  Turns out she’s a Nurse now at the Vernon Hospital.  

I’m not sure if it’s a reaction to the alcohol from last night but I’m feeling kind of off today.  Emotionally that is.  Somewhat lonely and kind of depressed but not really lonely or depressed.  Learning to be alone with myself has been a good thing for me to learn of late.  I’m sitting here trying to figure out how to meet other guys my age in this town to hang out with who aren’t married or just plain losers but it’s really hard when I’m gone so much.  I’m really feeling the emptiness of my social life lately.  My friend Steve, one of my slightly older married friends, has organized a men’s night at my parents’ church tonight that I’m thinking of going to.  I don’t really know if there’s any point because I’m expecting all the men to be my Dad’s age but I suppose getting out of the house and hanging out with other guys will be good for me whatever their age.

Made it back from Vancouver in excellent time. Just about Summer driving conditions the whole way. Going to bed.

Vancouver Via Sicamous

Well I just got home from an early morning jaunt to Sicamous and now I’m jetting off to Vancouver to pick up my truck.  Unfortunately there is no time to visit as I pretty much get in my truck and drive home.  

Past couple of days have been pretty darn good.  Work started again and strangely enough I’m happy about that.  I’ve started seriously looking for sales jobs in Kelowna and area and there have been some fairly intriguing positions advertised.  I’ve started applying for some in the hopes of getting the hell away from doing this stupid go nowhere job I’m doing now (not that I’m not thankful for it).

The girl sent me an e-mail yesterday asking me “if there’s anything wrong” which I just can’t believe.  I hate the fact that she’s pretending she doesn’t have a clue.  I have just chosen to ignore it figuring that if she really wanted to talk she’d call… and I have call display.  Isn’t it amazing how you can go from being totally into someone to having them hurt you really badly and then just not wanting to see them anymore cause your afraid they’re going to hurt you again.  All the lessons I’ve learned over this last year have really helped cause I’m not getting bitter about this… rather I’m learning and moving on.

Birthday dinner was highly enjoyable... Now I think my waist size matches my age... Definitely time to start cutting back.

I had a great Birthday Dinner and now I think my age matches my waist size! Time to cut back.

Happy Birthday To ME!

Well another birthday is here and I’m thrilled to say I’m no longer 25. 25 sucked in the WORST way. Though I grew a lot as a person this year it’s been tough slogging.

Today I went for breakfast with Matthew and his Fiancé which was nice as I had not been able to visit with Fiancé during their very short trip. I was able to spend a good portion of yesterday with Matthew though and it was very enjoyable to chat and get caught up on many things.

After breakfast I stopped at Starbucks to see Sister and she made me a coffee with a caramel 26 on top. It was such a beautiful morning that after leaving Starbucks I called my friend Steve and asked if he’d like to go for a little hike in Kal Park. He said that would work fine so we spent a good couple of hours wandering down to Cousins bay and back.

As Steve lives in the same side of town as The Baron I went over to the house to get a couple jackets I’ll need for work. The Baron had a vicious migraine but we had coffee and visited a little anyway.

Leaving The Baron’s I went to Winfeild and retrieved my jacket and martini glasses from ‘her’ house. I made sure this was a very quick and painless visit by leaving the car running, door open, and stereo pounding which didn’t leave room open for conversation. I hope that someday we can be friends again but it sure isn’t going to happen for a while.

To be very honest I really just feel like getting very drunk right now (where’s a bottle of wine when you need one?) but I’ve got the family plus The Baron coming over for a Birthday dinner tonight. So I won’t be doing anything like that and I know that getting drunk wouldn’t help anyway. Being so much more emotionally aware than I used to be I’m trying to figure out what to do with the emotions I’m feeling and deal with them in a constructive manner but I can’t quite seem to be able to. My counsellor once advised me that sometimes the best course of action is to just explore the emotion. Don’t try and change it just become aware of it and learn from it so that the next time the same emotion won’t hit you so hard. I’m trying…

So Happy Birthday to Me! I already know without a doubt that this year is going to be better than the last.

I can't even describe the level of emotion I'm feeling right now. She fucking used me and I was to fucking dumb to realize anyone would do that to a friend who really, really cared for them. Guess I was wrong but it proves the point that sometimes Beauty is only skin deep. At least it was quick and painless. The Beautiful Girl / Lisa is no longer a part of my life... at least she won't be after I get some of my stuff back.

2005 Wrap Up

2005 has perhaps been the most brutal of my life in just about everyway.  Emotionally I feel like I’ve been torn apart and sewed back together again so many times that my emotions probably resemble an ugh patchwork quilt but surprisingly that quilt is really warm and seems to just about fit… most of the time.  I’ve been gay and then not.  I’ve been in destructive relationships and I think I’ve fallen in love.  I’ve been manipulated and taken advantage of.  I’ve been the recipient of incredible generosity and goodness.  Physically I’ve suffered from a series of extremely bad colds and of course endured the fabulous Mono episode.  I’ve worked at The Bay, Zellers, 1-800-Got-Junk, tried to get a job at Starbucks, took the summer off and found myself working for my Dad again driving all over Western Canada.  I’ve lived a dream of a life in Vancouver.  I’ve lived a nightmare of a life in Vancouver.  I found myself living in Vernon.  I’ve partied everywhere.  I’ve been depressed to the point of being suicidal; I’ve been deliriously happy.  I’ve relied heavily on friends and family.  I’ve come to appreciate both so much more.  I have two homes in the same town that I can go to whenever I want and yet I’m homeless.  I’ve been rich, poor and I’ve lived beyond my means.  I’m beyond glad that this year is over.

Above all 2005 has taught me that family really is the most important relationship in life.  Without the incredible love and support that my family has shown me this year I honestly don’t believe that I would be sitting here typing this.  Such a marked difference from how this year started I find it absolutely amazing.  So just for the record I just want to publicly state how much I love Dad, Mom and Sister.  Though we have gone through some incredibly rough times this year I wouldn’t trade where we are in our relationship as a family for anything.

Asses,GUESS who's!

Today The Beautiful Girl and I went shopping because I needed some clothes. Apparently I’ve gained a disgusting amount of weight recently. Christmas Eve I was completely distressed to find that the pants I wore everyday last year in Vancouver were tight enough that I was slightly embarrassed to be wearing them. Because of the fact that I wear a variation of two outfits while I’m on the road most of the time I really hadn’t noticed the weight gain. So anyway I used my MEXX gift card to buy two new pairs of jeans and a new sweater. So after New Years it’s time to cut WAY back. Although my Sister and Mom keep telling me that I needed to gain the weight.

After we finished at MEXX we went to Orchard Park to check out the new GUESS store and were highly amused to find an enormous selection of the sluttiest clothing in the Valley. One “skirt” was so short the “pockets” that were sewn onto the back were all that would be covering the poor wearers ass. Even the model wearing the "skirt" in the giant picture (similar to the one shown) had her ass hanging out. I’m sorry I’m a great fan of fashion and I usually think that lunatics like Wifey just need something to rant about when they yap away about how demeaning advertising can be but I actually agree this time. Those ads have gone a little far. Now I’m not even going to suggest anyone else not shop there… but I won’t until the campaign changes.

After gawking at GUESS we went to Costco and bought a bunch of Costco sized packages of appetizers for the New Years party. Yummy!

This evening I went to The Barons for egg nog lattes (yeah I know nothing like kicking up the ol’ calorie count some more, hell I have new BIGGER jeans now why not) and watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory for a bit.

Onward and Upward

I’m struggling a bit the past two days because I’m in such a transitional place, neither here nor there.  I went and got most of the things that I’ll need for the next little while from The Barons today as I’m going to be house sitting for my parents next door neighbours for the month of January as well as being on the road.  The whole homeless theme I seem to be experiencing lately is really getting old.  I believe that once I do have a place of my own again I’m going to enjoy it just that much more because of the experiences I’ve had of late.  In case I sound ungrateful I do want to make it clear that I’m extremely grateful that I have been able to stay in The Barons beautiful home for so long and I’ve enjoyed it immensely.

Other things that I am thinking about of late are the usual ones that seem to often go through my mind; mainly the cruel fact that because of my constant travelling I have no unmarried friends here.  I’ve been extremely lucky that since moving back I seem to have had a steady stream of visitors from all over but I have not met any new people at all.  Not surprising when there’s no way to be involved in much when I’m away so much.  I suppose I’m just being extra hard on myself (as always) and as usual I really want the progress of life to hurry the hell up.  On the other hand I need to take my counsellors advice and start living in the present because when I start thinking to much about the future it makes me freak out and compounds whatever emotional turmoil I’m feeling.  

Having gone back and read my journal posts from this same week last year I remember how brutal things were and how much things have changed for the better.  So even though I don’t feel like I’ve made much progress and still feel like I’m in the same place as ever… I know that I’m not.  Better place, much less difficult, far greater hope.  Not a bad way to end 2005.

I don't know what to do. I've been at my parents for the past few days and have enjoyed being here. Now I'm thinking it's time to go home, to The Barons, but I wonder if there's a point cause I'm going to be house sitting for my parents neighbours starting on the 29th so...

There are a couple things that I could do today. I've been planning on going to see Narnia for a while and now I've got the opportunity to go with two different groups. I can either go as the 5th wheel with two couples... or I can go with my parents... yay. Given the circumstances I'm going to go with my parents.

Yesterday my CD shopping consisted of The Legend of Cash and a Natalie Merchant Greatest Hits compilation. Cash is an excellent collection of his greatest hits.

Well now I'm off to my other home to get my gym clothes so I can go play racketball with my Dad this morning. I think that I'll be moving back home tonight... but really who knows.

All the more reason to have a firewall!

Ugh, Still Full...

I’m still full!  Wow, last nights dinner was so incredible.  I don’t think that I’ve over-eaten like that in years.  The Baron makes sour-cream potatoes the likes of which I’ve never had before.  Not to mention my Mother’s turkey which was absolutely amazing.  

Now in the final few days before New Years I really have no plans and I’m very much going to try and keep it that way.  I’m super excited that Matthew and his Fiancé are coming to town for a visit and I’m also looking forward to the New Years party Lisa and I are putting on.  As I’ve complained about before it’s generally quite difficult to get people to commit to coming to a New Years party and this is turning out to be no different.  The best excuse so far was the one I received today “Hey KS, we can’t make it your party I got my wife pregnant so she can’t drink!  Pretty cool though huh?”  So obviously I’m not to upset about that.  Either way I’m sure we’re going to have a great time.

The weather in Vernon has been particularly unseasonable lately as well.  Christmas Day was 8C which caused many people to complain that it “didn’t feel like Christmas”.  Frankly I’m not one of those people.  Overall I’m really quite happy about the lack of snow aside from the fact that I’m riding around on $500 worth of snow tires!

As today is Boxing day, or rather the beginning of Boxing Week as most retailers are calling it now, I may go out and do a bit of shopping.  I’d received a gift certificate for the music store in the Vernon Mall so I’m thinking about going out and picking up a couple new CD’s.  Tomorrow I’m taking Raph’s brother to Kelowna so he can do his Christmas shopping (he was really sick before Christmas) and so I can buy some new clothes at the MEXX store with my Christmas gift certificate.  

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Best Christmas in years!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas from Vernon!  We actually celebrated Christmas last night with a party.  Every year we go to my parents church’s Christmas Eve Candle Light service and then we come home and gorge ourselves on appetizers, fondue cheese, dessert and wine.  This year we made the addition of Spiced Rum Eggnog.  In attendance were a few family friends, my Uncle and Grandmother, The Baron, P. Dhillon, and two friends of my Sisters.  We ate like pigs, drank like fish and laughed like loons.  All in all an absolutely fantastic Christmas, perhaps one of the best in years! Today because Sister is working at Starbucks, Mom and Dad getting the turkey ready to go to The Barons, and I’m sitting around drinking wine and eating left over appetizers from last night.

This year, as always, I was spoiled (not quite rotten) by Santa.  I had asked for a set of pots and pans for Christmas (eventually I’ll actually need them) and was thrilled to open a full set of Alfred Sung Home pots and pans!  I love the fact that now I’ll be able to cook stylishly.  

Perhaps the best part of today has been talking to numerous friends all over the country.  It always amazes me how many people I know across this great country of ours.  I’m so beyond happy that my two globe trotting friends Matthew and Raph are finally back here with their respective significant others.  I’m really looking forward to spending time with them again soon.  

With the very best wishes I’m sending Christmas Greetings to all and I hope that 2006 brings the greatest of happiness!

Early Christmas!

Today is the day that our family is going to be celebrating Christmas.  Sister has to work at Starbucks tomorrow so we’re going to take the time and open gifts and such today.  This evening is the Christmas Eve candle light service at my parents church and it’s become our family tradition to return home after the service and have a fondue with a few friends.  I actually started the fondue tradition at our house a few years ago because our family really doesn’t have many traditions and it was time to start some.  It’s kind of morphed into one of our favourite holiday events now as a result of the fact that dipping appetizers into hot cheese pretty much sums up the evening.  Another thing that I do for this evening is ensure that there is a bottle of Quail’s Gate Gewürztraminer around.  I have been saving the last two bottles from my case of wine just for this occasion all year now and I’m really looking forward to drinking them (although I don’t really want to share… is that bad?).  If I don’t update after tonight it’s because my arteries have completely clogged and I’ve had a heart attack and died.  But know this!  I died happy!

Port & Tort

Got to spend the day with Raph yesterday and we had a grand time.  Whenever people in Vernon get bored, want to go out for dinner, need to be entertained in general they do the natural thing and drive the 40 minutes to Kelowna.  So Kelowna is where we ended up.  It had been quite a while since Raph had been wine tasting, and let’s face it it’d been a while for me to, so we spent some quality time running around to different wineries.  Returning from Kelowna we went to his Mother’s place and made an amazing meal of fresh pasta with a home made tomato and bacon sauce along with a Caesar salad.  The real star of the evening though was the perfect pairing of Port & Tort.  Raph had given me a beautiful bottle of Taylor Tawny Port which I more than happily shared with everyone.  All in all a fantastic evening.

:D

Feeling more like myself, details to come.

Emotions Suck

It’s weird, there are people home that I really want to see and spend time with but I just find it to be incredibly emotionally taxing.  Matthew called tonight and though I’ve been dying to talk to him I just wasn’t in the right place mentally to be able to have a conversation.  Same with Raphael when he’s around.  Why am I so stressed by this?  I’m just going to chalk it up to an insane amount of change again and a seeming inability to handle it right now.

Cell Phone Sister!

Oh, I went for lunch with my Sister today and I got all pissy with her when she answered her phone and chatted with her new fling for 5 minutes (at the table, mid-conversation).  It’s not that I care if she talks to the guy I’m just sick of how she won’t listen to me and everything’s always about her.  If it’s not for her or about her she just doesn’t seem to care.  After I told her off I didn’t even feel guilty about it but I don’t think that she even got the message.  We’ll see.

The Christmas Season

The Christmas season is generally hard on people.  I feel like the Christmas Season is out to get me.  I’m not sure what it is about Christmas but I think it’s all the happy expectations that people put on it that really doesn’t give this poor season a chance.  If it’s not that it’s seeing all the happy people who have each other.  I’m really doing my best to look at Christmas as a non-threatening entity but it’s been rather tough.  Today something just set me off and I really wish that it could all be over with.  That and I’d really like to just go to sleep (and never wake-up but that’s another issue altogether) and wake up when it was all over.  Sitting here right now and re-reading that I realize how incredibly selfish and pathetic that sounds but hey we can all dream can’t we?  

Bah, there are just a couple things that are really bugging me today and I think that I’m pretty tired to so that’s it.  Good night.

Last night turned out to be quite busy. I went down to Kelowna to go to a party the Beatiful one had asked me if I wanted to go to. I turned out to be a third wheel as she'd also invited "The boy who wants to be my boyfriend" well turned out that "The boy who wants to be my boyfriend" seems like a very nice albeit very quiet guy. Knowing that I was going into a potentially awkward situation, I was a third wheel attending a birthday party for someone I'd never met, at a restaurant, I decided to make the most of it. I have to say I was on fire! Funny at all the right times and engaging. It helps to have a repetoire of work related stories to tell. So overall I ended up really enjoying myself.

I'm really glad that I went for another reason as well. "The boy who wants to be my boyfriend" was all over the Beatiful Girl and she was really ok with it. So know I know for sure and without a doubt that the signals she's sending are totally not to be read the way I was reading them. She's on the rebound, which is totally understandable, and I don't want to be one of 'those' guys.

After I got back from Kelowna Raphael and Wifey were here at the house, as we'd arranged to drink copious amounts of wine. So Raph and I worked our way through two bottles and I just really enjoyed being able to spend time with them. Found out that Wifey has THE GREATEST phone sex voice so I'm getting her to record my next voice mail message for me!

Dragons Slain

After an almost euphoric start to the day because I was foolishly so enamoured with thoughts of where the events of last night could / can go I slowly started coming back to earth.  Discussing the whole ‘Beautiful girl situation’ with a girlfriend she very much made me aware of the fact that The Girl is probably on the rebound and is probably not looking at our situation the way that I am.  As frustrating as this is to me I recognize that it’s likely true and I’m somewhat resigned to that fact.  At the same time I’m questioning myself as to whether I’m just avoiding a situation because I’m scared of it (fear, always fear, what is it with me?).  What to do, what to do?

Overall I’m very happy I’m not in the same frame of mind I was last year on this date.  Actually I’m counting this as a major milestone that I don’t feel the same emptiness that used to be so prevalent in my life.  I’ve found so much more within me that keeps me strong.  I guess I have slain a number of dragons in the past year.