Raphael is home!

Raphael is home!  YAY!  So far I’ve seen him for 15 minutes, which sucks, though I’m sure eventually we’re going to be able to hook up.  It seems that the older we get the harder it is to spend any proper time together.  Could be because he keeps leaving the ducking country (stop doing that for God sake!), regardless I’m looking forward to spending some much needed time with him soon.

Even though I didn’t really get to see Raphael last night all was not lost.  I was out spending time with The Beautiful one.  She makes me so happy I’m still smiling.  For anyone who’s interested Walk the Line is a fantastic movie which I give two enthusiastic thumbs up to.  She’s been very busy with planning our New Years party and from the sounds of her initial plans it’s going to be awesome!  

It was brought to my attention that about a year ago I was working with an amazing little lady but I NEVER mentioned her in my blog.  Well just for the record Chris, this is your mention and I’ve never been so happy working with someone while in such a terrible situation.  You’re honestly absolutely amazing!

ARGH!

The girl situation is stressing me out!

Oh, I bought a pick sweater in Vancouver! Everyone is wearing pink this season and as luck would have it I had bought a pink, white and red striped collared shirt that goes phenomenally with it this spring! So consider this fair warning if I show up somewhere wearing a bubblegum pink cotton sweater :)

After crashing at my parents house this afternoon and sleeping for a few hours I've come back home and am working at getting my stuff unpacked and getting myself organized (yeah, right!).

Got two more letters from ICBC (the Government agency I love to hate second most, I hate the Medical Services Plan agency even more for various reasons) while I was gone. In it's usual typical contradictory fashion the two letters made no sense when read together. One began by thanking me for being a Valued Customer in big bold print, the other made no such mention of me being a Valued Customer and insisted that I pay X amount of $$$ to pay off my points. Which bring me to another thing. What the fuck is the deal with license points! If I pay the fucking speeding ticket in time and in full that should be the end of it! None of this 'Oooohhh, we've decided that we're going to fine you more money at the end of the year because you got more than one speeding ticket!' Fucking cash grab that's what I say! Just up the price of the speeding ticket so that it's all said and done all at once. Fucking ICBC! So there you have it folks, the first true rant in a long time. I'm only posting it because I think The Baron is quite sick of hearing me bitch about it. So now it's posted and I'm done. Well just about... FUCK YOU ICBC!

Vancouver Aftermath

After an incredibly tiring and super fun weekend I’m back home.  Vancouver was phenomenal as I got to see a large number of friends.  I stayed with Peter and Blake who live on Haro St. which is just behind Robson.  Talk about a fantastic place to stay when visiting.  Both Peter and Blake worked at different times throughout the weekend but we had a party on Saturday night that was well attended by my friends.  My friend May was planning on “just stopping by after work for about 20 mins” and finally left at 130 in the morning after.  Got to see a number of the few remaining awesome people from The Bay – Oakridge and spend time visiting and just enjoying being around them.  I was also really happy to finally spend some quality time with Marcie and she was amazing (as usual) and came to pick me up from Surrey on Saturday morning then took me to the airport this morning which was very much appreciated.

Arriving home this morning my Dad and I were talking on the way home about my trip and some of my feeling about being in Vancouver and leaving after such a short time.  I can honestly say that I am extremely thankful that I was able to go down and I had an absolute blast but I am happy that I live in the Valley.  The main thing about being down there is that it’s SO expensive.  That and it’s just SO tempting to get into shopping spree mode.  Aside from that though it’s just amazing to me how people down there seem so stressed.  Even while they’re playing they’re stressed.  True I bitch and whine about the Valley being to laid back all the time but the constant stress for no reason just isn’t worth it.

A final thought on my trip.  I realized just how many amazing friends I have down there.  All of you are so unique and amazing and I miss all of you frequently.  Thanks for being there and don’t forget the Okanagan is only a 4 hour drive!

*One more day ‘till Raphael gets home!

Finally Vancouver

Finally Vancouver, of course it was an ordeal getting here.  Not even going to bother getting into it.

So I went to buy my Sister’s Christmas present today and was going to get her a beautiful necklace that I spent about a $100 on.  Well as we continued to shop we went into another accessories store and THERE WAS A KNOCK OFF OF THE NECKLACE FOR $32!  I promptly took the necklace back and bought something else.  I was so angry though cause it was beautiful.  

Anyway have seen some friends already and will be seeing plenty more of them.  So far it’s been a good start to the weekend.

Have to say I’m happy not to be living here anymore though.

Is that... Curry?

I’m feeling pretty good.  I swear if it wasn’t -16 and I wasn’t in a hotel room there’d be a blue bird twittering on my shoulder (not that, that wouldn’t annoy the hell out of me effectively cancelling the good mood).  The end of Castlegar is in site.  In two sleeps I’ll be in Vancouver.

I’m really excited about The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe and I’m expecting to go and see it at some point with Raph and Wifey while they are back in Vernon (so if your reading this don’t you two dare go without me!).  Last time I saw a movie with those two was the final Lord of the Rings right before they up and moved to Holland.  

Today I had the rest of the Indian food for lunch and of course there is a bit of a story to go along with it.  As it’s -16 here and I had left the food in the cab of my truck overnight it was pretty cold by the time that I was ready for lunch today.  So not having a microwave I did what any normal person would do and placed the foam container full of fragrant food on the floor in front of my space heater.  Now as time went on and the heater slowly did its new job of warming my lunch the aroma of curry started to fill my truck.  So here I was, a really white, blond guy, sitting in a mobile office at Cominco in Trail, REEKING of curry!  Wouldn’t you know it the first guy to walk in at this point was East Indian!  Moments after a Caucasian man followed right on his heels and of course both of them can smell the curry but they can’t see the curry and why would a blond white boy have curry in his truck?  So the Caucasian thinks it’s the East Indian, the East Indian can’t figure out what the hell is going on and I just keep grinning like a fool.  All in all a very funny situation.

*I just talked to The Baron and I’m not in fact moving out for the month of December.  My current living arrangement will continue as is. *

The Indian Restaurant In Castlegar

The Indian Restaurant in Castlegar is fantastic (there’s a statement I never thought I would be making)!  After my 10 hour day today I scooched off to the restaurant and sample their food.  I’m very glad that I did.

So Edmonton has been cancelled.  Essentially I looked at my financial goals at this time and realized that a trip to Edmonton was not going to help me achieve them.  Thankfully the Beautiful Girl is ok with that and we’ve resumed our plans for a party at her place.

Throughout the day I think of various interesting things to write about but by the time I get back to the hotel I’m just to tired to remember what those interesting things were.  Sorry.

Meh

I am officially sick of Trail.  The job is going really slow which always makes it just about unbearable.  Thankfully I have my laptop with me and a supply of DVD’s.  In the past week I’ve watched about 7 movies.  Today I found out that the trip has been extended by yet another day which really irritates me because it means that my time in Vancouver will be cut short.

Killin' Time

As I sit here in my hotel room in Castlegar I’m bored and not enjoying the fact that I’m sitting in a hotel room in Castlegar.  So naturally I start thinking about a new job.  Surfing the net for jobs just sucks.  There is absolutely NOTHING out there that a) is of interest to me, b) is worth the money or c) I am qualified for.  Sure if I wanted to be a 7/11 retail clerk I’m sure I could do that but why in hell would I be looking for a job as a 7/11 clerk on the web!  Yeesh.

The Colander

My co-worker and I went to The Colander today for supper.  Result, I have a tummy full of yummy pasta, chicken, and jo-jo’s (fried potatoes).  My tummy is happy so I’m happy.

I’m getting tres excited for Vancouver.  It’s only for the weekend but damned if I ain’t gonna make the most of it.  Peter is having a party and told me to invite some friends so now I’m REALLY looking forward to it.

Tomorrow’s my day off (finally) so I’m looking forward to sleeping in and not doing much.  I’ll have to do some laundry and some truck maintenance but otherwise filling my time is the order of the day.  It’s -7C here and it’s supposed to get colder… frankly I’m scared (.

I’ve been reading a book of my Mother’s this week.  It’s called The New Birth Order Book and it’s actually surprisingly interesting.  For first-born’s, like me, it talks about how we often struggle with perfectionism.  Well being the first born or two intense first-borns with Serious perfectionism issues I am what is classified as a frustrated perfectionist.  Frustrated because I have all these ideas of what I “should be” but am not.  Now I just have to work on realizing that what I “should be” is insane and not realistic.  Be happy with who you are life is so much easier.

Hitting the... Trail!

I don’t know what it is about terribly old, run down buildings that fascinates me but I have a really strange feeling when I’m around them. At the moment it’s 630 on Saturday morning and I’m sitting at Teck Cominco in Trail.  Some of the buildings here are astonishing to look at.  Perhaps it is their pure defiance to old age and their insistence of being useful that gives them their aura, or most likely it’s the fact that many of them were build up to a hundred years ago out of brick and include lovely dormer windows and little details that are lost on most new buildings built for industrial sites.  Granted most people who come to and work at Cominco call the place an ugly shit hole but I believe there really is more to see it just happens to be under the surface.

I haven’t had the energy in the past few days to write.  By the time I get back to the hotel (which yes, does have wireless internet!) I’m completely exhausted.  We start our morning at 500 everyday and usually don’t get back to the hotel until about 630 that night.  Seems rather long and I assure you it is.

While pondering what my next career move is going to be I’ve been increasingly thinking about sales again.  Not specifically consumer sales mind you but rather sales from a supply end.  I’ve always known I’d be good at this but frankly the thought of being on commission terrifies me.  The ‘what ifs’ are absolutely staggering.  Just another dragon to be slain; of course the simple fact that I know this is just an irrational fear helps to take away the dragons claws… but his fire breathing capabilities are still more than capable.

I’m dying for a cup of Starbucks coffee!  Hell any decent coffee would do about now.  I don’t know why because I rarely if ever drink caffeinated coffee but I just love the taste.  So the simple fact that I’ve been craving Starbucks is a strange mystery to me.

Slaying Dragons

Why am I so afraid?  The more I find out about myself the more I recognize fear and doubt in my life.  I really do let fear control me more than anyone should.  What am I afraid of?  Much of the time I’m afraid of failing, looking stupid, not measuring up, taking a risk.  I hate this about myself and I really need to change it.  

Anytime I start or do something new I’m hit with such a crippling fear I invariably set myself up for a fall.  Over the years I think I’ve sub-consciously let this rule me in such a way that I’ve stopped taking risks or doing things that could ultimately benefit me because I’m so scared of the worst possible outcome.  Take it from me this is a horrible way to live.  Not only does it cause a lot of doors to close to you but it also stunts your emotional growth.  Fear and apathy are two of my worst enemies and I’m about to start slaying the dragon… now if only I could get someone to hold my hand while I do it things would be so much easier!

This Just In

This Just In!

I’m getting Fat!  Now to look at me most people would scoff at me for that statement.  But honestly it’s happening I’ve got this layer of fat that’s growing on my stomach and it’s making me crazy.  ARGH!

Oh God Im half drunk

Oh God I’m half drunk and I’m baby sitting my Mother’s dog.  I think he wants me to hold him but I’m not sure it could be a cleaver ruse to get my Michalina’s Bowl that I just made.  Fuck you Dog!

Yes, the adventures of god sitting have only just begun and I just took over caring for the little bastard.  I took him with me to The Barons house because I needed get my clothes and bathroom stuff.  After he thoroughly misbehaved we left with everything I had and needed.  Well The Baron called me later and said I see you were here.  Well yeah!  So you brought Benny with you?  Yeah how’d you know?  It seems that he left The Baron a little gift in front of the washer and dryer.  OMG I’m SO embarrassed.  Seriously I can’t believe the little bastard did that!  I’m so sorry.  Apparently it’s not a problem after all though.  

Speaking of not a problem after all though… Apparently it shouldn’t be a big deal if we have the New Years Party at the house after all.  Turns out that it was just a big mis-communication.  We’re gonna talk about it but I’m not sure if we’re gonna do it now after all.  Ya see the Beautiful Girl and I went out for coffee today and were talking about the whole thing.  She mentioned that before she broke up with previous bf she was (ok, it’s insane to me that bf doesn’t show up on spell checker on Word!?) going to go to Edmonton for Christmas.  Well I happened to mention that Raphael and Wifey had pseudo invited us for New Years.  Turns out she’s REALLY hot on the idea.  So instead of throwing our own party we may travel to Edmonton for New Years and make Raph and Wifey entertain us!  Yeah, totally new but I’m excited about the prospect.

Ah, What's the point?

Feeling rather down.  Reading an article in McLeans magazine yesterday on depression really got me thinking about the issue again for the first time in a long time.  Reading the experiences of these people was something that I really identified with.  It sucks but it’s an issue that I’ll just have to deal with.  I think the only way I can really and fully describe what I’m feeling / feel is just a sense of utter hopelessness.  I don’t want to think about Narcissus, because there’s no way I’ll ever get it off the ground / it’ll just ruin me if I do etc.  The future is just full of shit, taxes, payments, no escape from the rat race.  Finances are really weighing heavily on me at this point too, but I think that’s a result of the depression.  This time it’s stranger than times before though because I’m reasonably happy on the surface… the hopelessness just lurks in the background.  Where it always is…

Tired!

Being excessively tired makes it really hard to control my emotions.  Today I think I’ve run the full gamut.  From extreme happiness to utter despair, anger and apathy, it’s all been done.  In short this sucks but at least I know what’s going on.  As stupid as it may be it’s taken a long time to get to this point where I’ve figure this out.

God, what a day!

My day today started at 330AM.  I had to be at a job in Kelowna at 5 which necessitated the early start.  Overall I’m still doing fine and the only reason I’m not in bed right now is because I know that if I do go to bed super early it’ll totally throw my sleep schedule for the rest of the week right out the window.  So tired…

Ding Dong, the fries are gone.

Ding, Dong!  He’s FINALLY Gone!  Hallelujah.  The Brother-in-law is back on a bus to Calgary.  May God be with him… and those on the bus.

So today I thought that I was supposed to be in Trail.  Turns out that I’m not there until next week, oops!  I was actually scheduled for Revelstoke this morning and as luck would have it I didn’t start ‘till 9 so everything worked out really well as I was planning on being on the road to Trail by 7 anyway.  Just really confusing to try and figure out why you’re not going where you thought you were supposed to be going.

Feeling rather strange today actually, come to think of it the strange feeling started last night.  Feel rather like I used to when I was on the verge of emotionally crashing, but nowhere near the same extent.  Now I know that I can choose not to “go there” and let my emotions flay me alive.  Now I just need to figure out why I feel… off, and deal with it.

I hear that Wifey is back in the country and I’m anxiously awaiting a phone call to confirm… wondering why I haven’t received that call yet?  :P

Well I’m taking The Baron to a sports bar for supper because they honestly have the most amazing burgers in the city and that’s what he has a craving for tonight.  I for one have decided that it’s time to stop eating mass amounts of crap while on the road.  This is the first year that I’ve been working on the road that I’ve really just let everything go in terms of what I’ve been eating.  I’ve even been eating fries *gasp!* this last while.  This is something new for me as I’ve always made sure that I avoid them while I’m on the road in order to avoid a growing gut.  So it’s “Can I get a salad with that” from now on.  I’ve got to slow the growth of this gut or my Dad will be completely unable and utterly excused for telling me that I’m going to look like him soon if I don’t watch it.  (

Random Thoughts

I spent tonight with Ruth.  Yesterday I was feeling really badly about her leaving and I basically allowed myself to mourn her ‘passing’ but I’m totally over it now.  It’s weird actually because prior to learning that it’s completely normal for a person to feel sadness ect, when a friend leaves I would have just suppressed the feelings and probably got more and more angry at her for leaving.  Finally that anger would have caused me to completely lose all contact with her and cease to desire to have her around at all.

Tomorrow I’m going to be getting ready for a 10 day trip to Trail where I’ll be working at Teck Cominco.  I’m hoping that I’ll have internet access at my hotel, because hey it’s not Alberta, but you just never know.

For all you Vancouver people out there get ready for a visit!  I’ll be working out when I’ll be coming down tomorrow as well.  I’m going to be taking the new truck down for some more work on it and then flying home after hopefully spending a few days down there.  Not looking forward to the expense though.  

I bought my baby new booties today.  Just over $500 but apparently they’re awesome tires and I supposedly got a smoking deal on them.  Just looking at them you’d think I’d be able to climb walls with them so they should be great on ice and snow.

Getting really frustrated with the planning for New Years.  We were originally wanting to get a cabin at a ski hill but decided that getting people to commit would be to hard and we didn’t want to get stuck with a huge bill.  Then The Baron said we could have the party here at the house but some different friends said they for sure had a cabin at Big White booked.  Turns out later that they don’t now and unfortunately it seems The Baron has changed his plans and maybe having a get together or something here after all so, so far my party is homeless.  I’m quite frustrated about it because the whole point of working on this early is so that New Years won’t SUCK!  Now it has the potential to suck.  MUST FIGURE SOMETHING OUT!  Any ideas let me know!

Just so you all know I've found what I deem to possibly be the best blog on the web. Thourghly enjoyable Check it out!

The next Winter Blockbuster I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE! Narnia! Check it out.

Happy Harry Potter Day!

I just returned home from watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.  Just like the book it’s definitely the best movie so far.  Absolutely incredible computer animation and the editing is fantastic as well.  Even though, for obvious reasons, the story had a number of parts cut out of it, it flowed fantastically and you really didn’t miss a huge amount of things that they cut.  Two thumbs WAY up!

Ok, things with Ruth are good again. I'm uber sad that she is leaving and in a strange way I feel abandoned. Probably because I'm the only one here. There's just been way to much emotion going through my system this week. To much stuff for me to process and handle all at once. I hate the cyclical nature of life. You have a period of excellent time where everything goes right and your happy and such... and then the inevitable crash. I think the crashes are finally starting to shorten and seem to be much more infrequent but they're still there and hard to take. I'm going to bed.

Frustrated II

The Borsch was amazing.

I’m even more frustrated now.  The girl just called and asked me if I wanted to join her in Kelowna at the Just for Laughs festival as she’d come across some tickets.  I can’t because Ruth is here.  *grunt of frustration*

It's Borsch Night!

Just made two enormous pots of Borsch, as I invited my family over to The Baron’s place for supper.  Hope he doesn’t mind as I just called him and told him they were coming!  I kind of screwed up the recipe a bit but not enough that I think anyone will actually notice… at least I hope they won’t.  So tonight will be full of Borsch and The Baron’s self-proclaimed ‘World Famous Herb Bread’, which actually is really good.

Ruth is coming for dinner and she’s still acting strange.  I’m frustrated with her right now but just keep telling myself to enjoy her company while I still can.

Actually I seem to be frustrated in general right now.  Don’t know why but whatever.

OMG It's finally been confirmed!

Careful the Dance Floor's Slippery!

Wow, what a day already!  I woke up this morning at 515 (about 15 minutes earlier than I usually do) to download Confessions on a Dance Floor, the newest release from Madonna on iTunes, so I could listen to it in the truck this morning.  Well everything worked as it was supposed to and I happily burned to CD.  Then I got ready and went out to the car only to discover that it was snowing.

Long story short got up to the office and picked up my truck.  Driving through town was thinking ‘wow this is slippery’.  Got onto the highway and noticed people were driving way to fast for current road conditions.  Then as I was passing a Mustang, that obviously wasn’t ready for winter conditions, doing about 60kms/hr the driver lost control and HIT ME!  Yeah, go figure.  So I pulled over, to check damage and such, opened the door and promptly lost my footing because of the ice.  I ended up hanging off the door of the truck for a few seconds before I balanced.  The damage to my truck involved a scrape where about two inches of paint came off.  The Mustang however was not so fortunate as his bumper is going to have to be replaced.  So I decided it would be prudent to re-schedule this morning’s work and go home until people remember how to drive in snow.  It’s funny you’d think that it would be the big trucks that have problems driving in snow but it’s not.  It’s the jack-asses in passenger vehicles and pick-up trucks who think they’re great drivers who cause accidents.  Coming through town on the way back to the office this pickup truck in front of me was going so fast he was fish tailing all over the place when he stopped to turn I couldn’t resist and lowered my window and gave him the finger.  That’s when I noticed he was drinking coffee while he drove badly.  Unbelievable I know but true!

PS – Confessions on a dance floor is in my opinion one of Madonna’s best releases in years!

Breakthrough!

I’m writing this because I feel that it’s important for me to remember.

Last night I had a pretty major breakthrough that actually helped me understand everything that happened this weekend.  While talking to my counsellor on the phone I was telling him all the things that I had written down here the other night.  When I finished going through the three major events of the weekend he shared his thoughts.  What he pointed out was that each of the three events had something to do with personal value.  Explaining that a little further:

Brother-in-law – This situation actually had nothing to do with the Brother-in-law.  The reason I got so violently upset about this whole situation was not the person but rather the subject.  The poor guy accidentally touched on a subject that was causing / is causing me a lot of pain.  Upon exploring the issue further I why it was that church / Christians have caused me so much pain for so long, hindering my ability to forgive and move on.  I have always felt taken advantage of by the church because when I have been involved I have always worked extremely hard at whichever task has been given to me but I have always been doing these tasks for the wrong reasons.  Thinking that maybe if I do things for people they will notice my contribution and I would become a valued member of the congregation.  Because you can never buy your way into any social group with any sincerity this tactic obviously didn’t work.

Truck – Because I didn’t get the new truck I interpreted that as “You don’t matter to me (my Dad) or the company.  You don’t do a good enough job to deserve the new truck”  Again I didn’t feel valued.  Of course my interpretation was totally wrong and was in fact not intended to be a slight.  In fact in my Father’s usual dense ways he didn’t even realize this was an issue.

Ruth – By not informing me of her plans or thoughts before she made arrangement to leave I interpreted this as ‘I don’t value your friendship’.  This I hope is not the case and I suspect that it isn’t but that’s what got me going.

I have to say Counsellor really earned his pay this week.  Having his unbiased view of why these events threw me into such a tailspin was a saving grace.  Of course now that I fully understand the issue myself it makes so much sense as it affects me in so many ways.  Not having a personal sense of being ‘valuable’ as a person has really affected everything in my life.  Talk about contributing factor to low self-esteem and lack of confidence.  

To the Ones I Love,

This is an incredibly hard e-mail to write as quite honestly the message / situation is just awkward. As you know just over a year ago I came to you and told you that I was gay. During that time in my life I was going through a lot of mental and emotional unrest. Nothing made sense and I felt I didn’t fit anywhere. While in Vancouver I tried to live a lifestyle I thought that I was supposed to be a part of. Try as I did to convince myself that I was living the life I wanted to it just didn’t work. I couldn’t seem to quell the disquiet in my spirit or silence the nagging voice in my head that was telling me that this too wasn’t me.

Now after many months of personal reflection, soul searching and much emotional pain I have come to a conclusion. I am not gay (sometimes the simplest way of saying things is also the easiest). I have been working with a counsellor for many months now and by utilizing the tools he has given me I have been able to restructure many of my thought patterns and build better emotional boundaries.

In my situation the same sex attractions were symptoms of character deficiencies. Having identified and worked on a lot of these issues has caused the same sex attractions to subside. I can confidently say that I have moved closer to a sense of my own masculinity that I have never before been in touch with.

Finally I want to thank you and beg your continued indulgence. Thank you for bearing with me during this incredibly difficult time in my life and thank you for being a part of the catalyst for change. I know this may be hard for some of you to understand and that’s where I want to ask your indulgence. As I have learned so much about myself throughout this phase of life I would be happy to talk to you one on one if you have any questions.

Don’t worry, the KS you know now won’t be turning into something else. I’m tired of playing games and hiding behind masks, the sarcastic disinterested arrogant, pious religious fundamentalist, drunken partier, or whatever else I hid behind. As I grow to know myself I also sincerely hope to grow to know you in a deeper and better way.

This new chapter in my life is full of surprises and quite honestly a measure of fear but I don’t think anything that comes along is going to be any harder than this chapter that has finally closed.

I look forward to talk with you.

Peace… at last.

KS

I am just SO upset

I am just SO upset!  I haven’t felt this wound up for months now.  Tonight the previously mentioned Brother-in-law started asking me all these religious questions and basically told me that I was living my spiritual life all wrong.  Apparently he’d had a near death experience and since then God’s told him how he should live.  So my understanding of what God has told him is that he’s supposed to boss people around and tell them that they need to get involved with the church and to share their faith at every opportunity.  When I asked him if he’d taken the opportunity to share his faith today he tried to change the subject.  When I persisted he told me that God hadn’t pointed out an opportunity today, to which I replied that maybe waiting on God wasn’t the right thing to do maybe he was supposed to create opportunities!  Well he just changed the subject again and started talking about how God was using him to direct people towards Ministry opportunities where they would be used.  To which I really wanted to say “isn’t it wonderful that like many other Canadian public school teachers God has appointed you to be a delegater and task setter as opposed to someone who actually has to get their hands dirty in the undesirable tasks of witnessing and ministering to people!  If only I was so blessed.”  That’s what I really wanted to say.  Instead I held my tongue and swore at him in my mind.  Later The Baron commended me for my restraint but I don’t know how much more restraint I can show with this guy.  Even though staying with The Baron is temporary this is still my home at the moment and having this Ass come into my home and attacking me makes me incredibly angry.

The next thing that pissed me off is that after being promised the new truck for work for months now I have been told that someone else is going to have it till the end of this month!  I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY ABOUT THIS IT’S NOT EVEN RATIONAL!  I don’t know why but having the new truck means a lot to me.  It could be the fact that for the first two months of this job I was driving around in the oldest truck in the fleet and making due.  It could also be the fact that after all the shitty years of doing this job and NEVER getting the new truck I feel that it’s due to me this time.  Finally it could just be the fact that I was led on to believe that I would be getting it and there’s no FUCKING reason that they would give it to the employee they did give it to as she’s leaving the company at the end of the month anyway (I’m not mad at her in the slightest because she even called me today and asked why she still had the truck when she knew that I was supposed to be getting it and was looking forward to it)!  I’m SO angry about this I want to quit right now.  Unfortunately I have responsibilities that don’t allow that.  ARGH!  SO FRUSTERATED!

Ruth

Fuck!  I’m really feeling a great deal of frustration right now.  When I got home the other day from my trip I called Ruth, who is pretty much my only and best friend in Vernon, to find out that she’d disconnected her phone!  I was totally confused by this as we’d been text messaging the whole time that I was gone and she never once mentioned anything; coupled with the fact that up until the last I communicated with her she was supposed to start training to start working for my Dad’s company.  So I called her Aunt and asked her what was going on and her Aunt told me that Ruth was pretty anxious to go and had already changed her phone number to an Abbotsford number.  So apparently she’s moving to Abbotsford!  Anyway long story short she just called me and told me that while she was on her recent trip to California (where she used to live and work) that God spoke to her and told her that she was supposed to move on and apparently he told her to move to Abbotsford.

I am so angry and hurt that I just answered her questions with yes or no and listened.  I just can’t believe that she would make such an important decision and not tell me about it.  I mean we spent most of the summer together and hung out just about every night.

Knowing her I know not to take this personally as she’s done this type of thing before and I’ve lost contact with her and she always turns up eventually… this time though it feels like betrayal.  

Super Saturday

The Baron’s Sister and Brother-in-law are in town visiting.  While very nice people the Brother-in-law is slightly, shall we say, eccentric?  He’s a retired math teacher and keeps offering to help me brush up on my mathematical abilities!  No thanks.

Today has been a very expensive day.  I had the oil changed on the car and then decided that I should get some new windshield wipers too.  Turns out that windshield wipers are the same price as an oil change!  I couldn’t believe that and that’s even getting the super duper deal that my family gets on all vehicular maintenance and parts from our Ford dealer because Dad’s company does so much business with them.

I ordered The Baron’s Christmas present today!  I’m very excited about it because he’s going to absolutely LOVE it!  What I really can’t believe is how PACKED the malls are already.  For the past few weekends they’ve been absolutely insane.  In Calgary at Chinook it was actually difficult walking around in some of the stores because they were so busy.  I’m sorry people but Christmas just isn’t that big of a deal.  After last year of working for the majority of the holiday I’ve realized it’s much more important to spend time with friends and family than it is to spend a shit load of cash on people.  

I think I'm overtired. I even took sleeping pills and I'm still wide awake. So the logical thing to do is to write.

So I'm glad to be home. It's just so much easier to relax when your at home.

Ok, here's what's really on my mind. I made friends with a girl while we were all still in school. The girl and I get along famously and have often gone out together to the clubs dancing and such. Over this summer I really started to have some pretty strong feelings for her but of course kept them secret as she had a boyfriend who was a good friend of mine too. The last time that we went out together was in Penticton and the drive home was just the two of us and it was really nice and we talked and sang the whole way home. During that conversation she idely mentioned a few times that her boyfriend was really bothering her a lot. She didn't elaborate on it anymore than that and I didn't bother to dig because I figured it was really none of my business. Well upon arriving home tonight I gave her a call and after chatting a bit she told me that she and the boyfriend weren't together anymore! Wow. This whole time I was in Alberta I was fantisizing about the possibility of this happening and... now it has. So now there's a few things I've got to figure out / do.

First of all I need to communicate my non-gay status to her (which by the way is not surprising anyone I tell... I know I don't get it when I told people I was they wern't surprised, now I tell then I'm not and they're not surprised... whatever). Then I need to let her know of my considerable interest in her. Then I need to pray that it all comes together. I'm actually not really all that worried about that part of it now because hey there's no point in getting all ahead of myself. I'm looking forward to this Christmas season even more now because I'm hoping to stake out some kind of "territory" with her before some other guy moves in... but at the same time I don't want to be pushy. Fact is the two of us are going to co-host a New Years Party (somewhere, we're looking into the chance of getting a cabin at a ski hill but The Baron has already offered the house, which has been the site of some fantastic parties already this year) so there's a perfect opportunity.

The girl is amazing and is actually someone I'm willing and planning to go to great lengths to get. Ok. I'm done now.

That's what I'm thinking about tonight.

Last Night

Well tomorrow I head back over the mountains to home.  I’m so very happy to be going there.  I’ve had a good time in Alberta but it’s starting to wear thin.  I’ve invited myself over for dinner at my Calgary cousins, I’ve visited a lot of friends and relatives along the way but it’s got to end.  No more travelling thank you.  

I bought two new CD’s yesterday.  The new Kayne West, my first rap CD!  I have to say it’s an excellent CD and gets two thumbs up from me.  Hell it’s so good I almost feel black while listening to it…  The other CD is the new Rolling Stones – A Bigger Bang.  I’ve never been a fan of these old guys before but I find the music on this album fairly enjoyable.  I think that I’ll burn a copy for me to keep and give the original to my Dad as his car refuses to play burned CD’s.

Well I just had an excellent Turkey dinner at my cousins home and I’m having a glass of Little Penguin Shiraz which is making me sleepy.  So we’ll see you at home.

Three Hills

This is an excerpt from an e-mail I wrote to Matthew cause he can’t see the blog from his present location in China!

Hey ya'

Get this I'm sitting in the Wireless Steakhouse in Three Hills right now!  Go figure.  As if that isn't the strangest idea I've ever seen.  The two don't go together at all and honestly I don't give the place much of a chance but hey it 'served' my purpose for this morning.  It's -13 here right now but in true Prairie fashion it doesn't feel like it.  So I'm doing my requisite visiting through Three Hills.  I stayed with my Great Aunt last night and now I'm meeting some cousins for breakfast and then I'm off to visit with an old Missionary lady I knew when I was at Prairie.  It's weird being back here.  Even though I wasn't happy here I did have an awful lot of good times.  Ok, enough nostalgia.

I'm heading home on Thursday and I have to say I'm happy about it.  It is weird though because this trip has been really good.  I can't say I mind being on the road anymore.  Now that I've exercised my demons life is so much different.  Everyone is telling me how much I've changed and even I feel it.  The Baron tells me I just seem more comfortable in my own skin, my Parents tell me I'm not as caustic and mean, and others just can't seem to figure it out.  I have to say that I feel like I've lost something in a way as my humour sarcastic and mean as it used to be isn't there anymore in the same way.  It's actually hard to think of things to say to cut people down.  Maybe I'm just in a slump... although if I'm not I'm good with that.

Tofield

November 7, 2005

Well I had a good weekend in Calgary.  Unfortunately I didn’t realize that my first job this morning, in Tofield, was just out of Edmonton until yesterday.  So I drove up Highway 2 until the snow started to fall.  By the time I reached Leduc there was a thin layer of snow all over the highway that made it feel like I was driving on butter.  I slowed down to between 40 or 60 kms/hr but the fools around me didn’t.  I had one jack-ass fish tale in front of me twice before he finally pulled off the highway as I’m sure he only had summer tires on!  Now I’m in Tofeild listening to the CBC and the accident reports are crazy.  You’d think that living in Edmonton people would know how to drive in snow.  SLOW DOWN!

Because of this weekends antics I’ve decided to quit drinking.  Yesterdays hangover was just horrible and lasted until I went to bed last night.  Now don’t worry I’m still going to drink wine but anything else is done.  No more…

Travelling through Alberta has been rather interesting actually.  Listening to CBC and witnessing the hyper-growth economy in action here just blows me away.  It’s rather frustrating that in both Alberta and BC all you ever hear about is how there’s not enough workers to supply demand and yet I can’t seem to find a job that I actually want to do.  How does that work?  It really gives me incentive to keep working at looking to see if Narcissus will be a viable business.

I’M GOING HOME ON THURSDAY!  I’m very much looking forward to it as I’m pretty tired of travelling.  It’ll be nice to see my friends again.

So I'm in Calgary. Arrived after driving all day. My trip went: :Leduc, Wetaskiwin, Camrose, Wainwright, Provost, Calgary! I was so fucking mad at the clients in Provost. The bastards kept me waiting around for two and a half hours for no reason! If my truck was powered by anger I'd have made it to Calgary in no time.

Anyway I'm exhausted so just wanted to let you all know I'd found an internet connection. Would you believe there's one accessible from my Uncles house! Accessible from the basement no less. Makes me hate Edmonton even more!

Leduc II

November 2, 2005

I went to Edmonton last night (from Leduc where I’ve been staying this week) and had supper with Raphael’s brother.  Dinner at Earl’s was excellent and I had a fantastic time.  Really enjoyed the conversation with him after spending the summer with him we’d become much better friends and I’m quite glad about it now.  

Tomorrow is my last night in Leduc and then I head to Calgary for the weekend.  I’m looking forward to staying with Uncle Frank and seeing all the cousins down there.  Also looking forward to seeing my friend who used to be from Penticton and who we’ve been partying with so much there this summer.

Leduc

October 30, 2005

Ok, I’m starting to feel a little bit crazy.  Last night I was sitting watching TV on my own and it just hit me that I was tired, lonely and frustrated.  As decent as this trip has been I’m looking forward to it being done now more than ever.  Kind of stupid as it’s going to be this last leg of the trip that’s going to involve more friends and people that I haven’t seen in a long time.  Don’t get me wrong I’m looking forward to seeing them but even though I’ve been able to stay with relatives I’m ready to go home.  Weird actually as once I’m home I’m sure I’ll be tired of being there.  Am I the only one who has this stunted form of wanderlust?  I love travelling and going to different cities and when I’m home I want to leave but when I’ve left I want to go home.

Spent yesterday working on the feasibility study for Narcissus I ended up spending way more time defining who my customers were than I originally thought I would.  Working through this feasibility study keeps bringing up doubts I wasn’t expecting but so far nothing has popped up and told me it won’t work.  I’m still waiting for that.

As I contemplate going into business for myself I know more and more that it’s the right thing for me to do.  I’m just so disinterested in doing anything else.  Anything I can actually see myself doing I don’t seem to be qualified for and anything that I’m qualified for I can’t seem to get because of the competition.  Although to be fair I haven’t even bothered trying to get anything in the recent past.

Today I’m going to visit a friend from Prairie who’s living in Wetaskskiwin.  Looking at the lives of some of my friends I’m frankly relieved that I don’t have his life.  Married and has a child, living with the in-laws and being supported by his wife as he stays home with the kid.  Ugh just not what I’d want although I’m thrilled that he seems very happy about it.  Either way I’m looking forward to visiting with him as we were really close.

Edmonton II

October 26, 2005

I am super frustrated tonight.  Not only is the only hotel in Acheson (the industrial park where I start work tomorrow at 515AM full but I haven’t been able to check my e-mail since Saturday!  It’s making me crazy!

Other than those two irritants, things here are fine.  I am really tired though.  I hate 12 hour days.

This weekend I’m going to start cobbling together a feasibility study for my store… which I think I’ve decided to name Narcissus!  The Baron and I were discussing store related issues before I left and that name popped out of the conversation.  So from now on I’ll refer to the store as Narcissus.  I was reading over my Entrepreneurship text from school today and it indicates that a feasibility study is the first step.  I’m glad I started reading that book because I knew that a Business Plan wasn’t the first step but I couldn’t remember what was.  Now I know.

  

Edmonton

Let it be known that I am officially annoyed with the backwards, red-neck Province of Alberta.  I don’t get it.  Have they not heard of wireless internet here yet?  Frankly I’m not surprised.  I’ve noticed this before while travelling in Alberta.  It seems that things come slower here than BC.  Things I take for granted in BC (i.e.- reasonably good coffee or wireless internet) seem to take a while to catch on here.  Now I’m not saying there isn’t any wireless internet connections, it just seems that most hotels here haven’t figured out there is a demand for it.  Hell we were in Grand Forks a couple of weeks ago and they had wireless internet at Johnny’s Motel.  If Johnny’s has wireless why doesn’t The Yellowhead?  I can only assume that if I come back here in a year or so they will have it.

I have seen hell today.  It took the form of the largest Mall in North America… and me with $0.  Seriously I was so depressed I had to get out of there fast.  This no money thing is sucking I tell you.  I think I had more money when I was a student, as a student though I wasn’t driving a great car though…  Last night I stayed at my Aunts home in Leduc so I finally got a good night sleep.  Today was a really slack day with just one job but tomorrow will be a little bit busier.  

Talked to my Dad last night and my new truck is ready!  They’re going to Vancouver to pick it up this week.  I’m very excited that I’m going to have my own truck from now on.  Shuffling between trucks is a such a pain in the ass because you constantly have to get things the way you want them and then you get changed to another truck again.  So getting home to that will be pretty nice.

Slave Lake III

October 24, 2005

I’m finally leaving Slave Lake.  Not a moment to soon either as far as I’m concerned.  I woke up feeling pretty crappy today but still better than I felt yesterday which was just unreal.  Rarely do I get headaches like I had all day yesterday, it was so bad my stomach was even upset.  So of course I tried everything in terms of drugs that I carry with me but to no avail.  Next was a cup of coffee and wouldn’t you know it the headache subsided greatly.  Now the problem was that I was up till about 1130, which didn’t make me all that happy as I was exhausted.   This whole week I’ve looked like crap because of the terrible quality of sleep I’ve been getting.  Even using the substantial amount of skin care products that I lug around with me everywhere hasn’t helped to subside the dark circles and puffiness under my eyes (although it does sooth them).  Yes, I’m a certifiable mess, it’s only Monday and already I’m longing for the weekend.

Today marks the first day of the second week of my trip.  Only three more weeks to go and even though this week had a few hitches (mostly sleep related) overall everything has gone superbly.  No major problems or anything to complain about.  I’m almost sorry about that.

It’s been months now since I’ve seen my counsellor.  I did talk to him on the phone about 4 weeks ago but as for actually being in his office it’s been a while.  I’m looking forward to the opportunity but I really feel fine even though I haven’t seen him for such a long time.  I really feel that’s a significant milestone.  That and the fact that I don’t freak out as much anymore on the way I think things are ‘supposed’ to be.  Rather I’m generally pretty content to let things ride.  The old Popeye adage “I am who I am” is actually starting to make sense to me but more importantly it’s starting to mean something.

Slave Lake II

October 23, 2005

I am so ready to get the hell out of this town.  Now yesterday when I was writing about how much I enjoyed this place please don’t confuse the town with the lake itself.  Slave Lake, the body of water, is amazing.  Misrepresenting itself as a small ocean (from certain vantage points) with beautiful white sandy beaches the lake itself is about the last thing that you’d expect to find in Northern Alberta.  The town… well the town is fairly typical of what you’d expect to find in Northern Alberta.  I believe the liquor store to person ratio is likely extraordinarily high.  

Hardly to my surprise yesterday’s Edmonton Sun ran the “shocking” cover story that Alberta led the nation in mental illness and depression numbers among citizens.  Apparently the oil patch has something to do with it.  I’m shocked!  The working conditions are dismal, the jobs generally terrible and the only reason most people do them is for the obscene amounts of money to be made.  The sad fact is that the oil patch probably extracts an equal amount of life, or the will to live, out of its workers as it does crude.  As an uninformed visitor looking around these towns and hearing about the substance and alcohol abuses I’m not surprised.  Usually I would be the last person to encourage more social spending on community support but here I think the cry for these resources is actually justified.  The majority of the guys working up here are here to make tons of money and leave.  What I don’t understand is how they figure they are going to be able to escape from the lifestyle the oil patch allows them to afford.  Sadly many of them don’t seem to be able to make that break of reaching the ‘magic bank balance’ and then quitting to pursue whatever it was they originally wanted to do.  For many of the young men that move here in pursuit of that dream they don’t have any social network and few if any friends.  No wonder depression is a leading killer in Alberta.

I’ve spent the great majority of the last two days in my hotel room and as nice as it is I tire of it too.  I’m really looking forward to staying with my Great Aunt in Leduc tomorrow night.  This much alone time isn’t all that much fun.

I rented four DVD’s yesterday and how finished watching them all now.  Last night I watched the first four episodes of Desperate Housewives which I enjoyed immensely.  After the Housewives I watched Nicole Kidman in The Interpreter which was a surprisingly good movie.  Not at all what I expected it to be a definite recommend.  Today I watched Mulholland Dr. which I thought would be a great movie but turned out to be one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen in my life.  The only reason I rented it was because every time I go into a movie store I always notice it and think that it maybe good.  So I finally rented it.  BIG MISTAKE!  After that I watched The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Galaxy, which I know I vowed I would never watch.  In spite of myself and a killer headache I found myself enjoying.  It was quite loosely based on the book so I can’t fault them for screwing up what I view as one of the best books ever written.

Tonight I am going to pack my things up and try to go to bed early.  I’m hoping that the headache will go away with some rest.  Tomorrow looks to be a very long day.  Week 1 of 4 down.  Only 3 more to go.

Slave Lake

October 22, 2005

Wow the past couple of days have been excessively busy.  I’ve been here in Slave Lake since Tuesday and it’s been non-stop until now.  Even this morning (Saturday) I had to go to the Pulp Mill for two hours at 6AM!  So now I’m sitting in my fantastic hotel room on the shores of incredible Slave Lake looking out the window considering the things I should / could do today.  There are the usual chores, washing the truck and cleaning it out, laundry, and mailing off the completed work to the office.  But right now I’m pretty much content to just sit here.  I do really wish that I had internet access though as that would help to dull the monotony.

Quite honestly Slave Lake has turned out to be the biggest surprise of a long time.  The last time I was here was about 5 years ago.  At that point this place was a dismal little dump.  The first clue I got that things may have changed was when I called from High Prairie the other day and tried to get a hotel room.  Every room in town was booked!  At this point I kind of got a little worried because I needed to stay here.  I called the office and told them to find me a room as I wasn’t having any success.  Thankfully they found the place I’m staying in on the internet.  I can’t even describe how much I like this place aside from saying that I would happily live here… well maybe a few months a year.  Yeah, I think I’ll trade in the car and buy myself a big ass Ford F-250 King Ranch 4X4.  Then I’ll go get an obscenely high paying job on the pipeline… yes that’s exactly what I’ll do.

So back to reality.  I’m looking forward to hitting Edmonton on Tuesday.  It’s a shame that all of the people I used to know in Edmonton no longer live there.  I do have to make a stop at The King’s University though to drop off some things for friends of The Baron’s.  I suppose I’ll also see Raphael’s brother while there.

I’ve really been missing Vancouver lately.  I’m not sure if it’s just because things in life are getting so predictable and I’m longing to shake things up a little or if it’s cause I just really want to go shopping?  Possibly a little of both.  

The more I think about starting my business the scarier it gets.  There are so many things that I never learned in business school.  Mostly things like how do I figure out how to get the suppliers I need on board, how do I open a retail store with absolutely zero money of my own, etc.  So right now because I happen to have ample time for reading I’ve been re-reading my Retailing text book from school (which is proving to scare me more with talk about population density equations and retail failure rates) but I’m finding that it’s not really all that much help cause I already know everything it’s trying to tell me.  Seems I didn’t miss very much from that class.  I’ve decided what I need is a mentor.  Someone who has been successful in retailing and would be willing to help would be excellent.  I know one person in Vancouver who used to own 10 Club Monaco’s when the chain was just new and who’s a real retailing diva but I’m going to have to track her down again.  I don’t think that’ll be hard.

Wow, a bald eagle just soared past my window.  I really wish my stupid camera phone was able to take a picture that adequately portrayed how beautiful it is here.  I’ve tried numerous times to get it to work but it just can’t get the immensity of the lake.

I suppose it’s time to go and wash the truck.

Grande Prairie

October 17, 2005

Few words can describe Grand Prairie better than ‘eeeeewwwwww!’.  Because of the oil boom in this Province the city is booming like there’s no tomorrow.  It’s amazing.  I arrived in town late this evening after driving for 11 hours to get here.  Looking at the hotels on the strip I was dismayed to see No Vacancy on every single one as far as the eye could see.  So I just walked into one and asked the lady at the desk to find me a hotel.  She probably called 7 before she got one that had 1 room left.  I high-tailed it over to the place to get the room before someone else did.  Just because I’m grateful that I have a room I’m not going to pass judgement on this place at all… aside from saying that I’ve stayed in cleaner accommodations at logging camps 12 hour drives into the bush!

The drive today was long but I’m driving one of the new trucks which is quite, comfortable and has a CD player.  Thank God for small mercies.  It also has a V10 engine which made the hills almost effortless.  While most of the drive was pretty the 4 dead moose that I saw laying on the side of the road quickly sobered my driving.  Not a pretty sight.

Tomorrow I’m heading up to Slave Lake where I will spend the rest of the week and… possibly the weekend.  My Mom has cousins there, where doesn’t she, but I’m not sure if I really want to get in touch with them.  The last time I was in Slave I did and it was a slightly disturbing experience.  I guess I probably will call them because I do have to spend the weekend there but I’m quite terrified that they’ll insist I go to church with them.  They’re extreme Pentecostal and I don’t think they’ll look lightly on my personal rule while travelling.  Never attend a church with Calvary, Living, or Freedom in the name.  I’ve had a few to many strange experiences with those types of churches.

Finally a story that I forgot to mention the other night.  While The Baron was making supper for Sister and I, I happily pointed out the fact that a deer was eating a part of one of his trees in the front yard.  I was happy to point this out because I know how irritated The Baron gets about this.  In a sudden flurry The Baron was out of the kitchen, still holding the really large knife he was cutting veggies with, and racing after the deer pelting it with small stones and yelling!  Truly one of the most magnificent displays I’ve ever seen from him.  Sister and I were laughing heartily when he came back in the house still brandishing his knife menacingly and muttering about pesky deer eating everything.

I'm still updating my blog on Word but STILL havn't been able to find a connection. I'm going to a friends house in the next little while and I'm hoping I will be able to connect and update from there. Cross your fingers!

It's proving rather difficult to find hotels with Internet connections. I'm at the Public Library in High Prarie right now waiting till my next job. I've been passing the time by listening to CBC's call in show about the strike that is going on in Brooks, Alberta at the meat packing plant. Suffice to say listening to a radio call in show on CBC without the obnoious Mark Forsyth (the man I love to hate) was refreshing. Callers who didn't agree with Marks point of view wern't cut off or anything! Very good and insightful program even though I did have my finger on the 'Send' button of my phone most of the time as I wanted to weigh in on the topic. Likely best I didn't as I really wanted to scream at most of the callers.

Later on it's off to Slave Lake. I have been blogging on my laptop and will post when I get the chance.

The Baron's surprise party was an absolute success! I'm very pleased with myself. I had invited Sister over last night for supper under the pretense that she hadn't seen The Baron for a long time and wanted to have dinner with him. This worked wonderfully aside from the fact that we ate a large lovely meal and were excessively full by the time that all of his friends arrived carrying all sorts of appetizer. The actual arrival of the guests happened in two stages. One of them arrived exactly at 7... as planned. She explained herself fantastically by saying that because he missed dinner with her last night that she thought she would stop in for coffee. So of course The Baron was slightly confused but happy to see her. As we were all sitting in the family room having coffee and chatting the door opened and in rushed all of his other friends singing 'Happy Birthday!'. He was completely flustered. Such a great thing to see. The rest of the night involved everyone sitting around the house and enjoying each others company while enjoying coffee and snacks.

In other, not so exciting news, I've caught a very nasty cold. Not so happy about that. Although the experience that all of the colds I had in the last year while working for HBC have helped cause I know there's no point in waiting it out I'm taking as many pills as I safely can to decimate this virus!

Today will be spent doing some laundry and getting prepared for my Alberta trip that starts on Monday. I'll obviously try and keep in touch but I'm not sure what the facilities I'll be staying at will be like so I'm not sure if I'll have internet access.

Well it's finally happened! My Baby's turned 30... 30,000 that is! On my way to Kamloops tonight I had to take this picture. I'm so upset. Why can't they stay young and cute forever?

In other news I'm conducting entry research on a business idea I had last week. I've got a partner who's very excited about the idea as well and we're going to see if it'll work. I just found out about one potential competitor already though and I'm slightly worried. Oh well to soon for that. Cross your fingers and wish me luck! If all goes well I plan on opening our doors sometime in April or May.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAPHAEL! May life continue to be a float down a pleasant stream with Wifey and all those you love. You have always ment an aweful lot to me and I truly love you. May the next 25 years be full of the colour green, fabulous music, good friends, good books, and all the other things you love.



Well I managed to get a whole bunch of things out of my system last night... mainly the desire to go dancing and have some fun with some great friends! The Murder Mystery was completely hoaky but because Tim and Lisa were so much fun we had an absolute blast. Not surprisingly our table managed to entertain all the surrounding tables. There's a little tradition that we have when we go out for food, we name the waiter or waitress. Well last night, inspired by her flashy earings, we named our waitress Margarita! Turns out that it was the poor girls first night serving and well... lets just say we made it fun. We're still not sure if she really enjoyed it when we implicated her in the murder with the actors but we thought it was uproariously funny.

After dinner we went to Penticton's Blue Mule danced for a few hours. All in all a great evening with the promise of more fun today!

I believe the picture speaks for itself! Yes, this was my hotel room this week. Honestly when I opened the door I think the carpet assulted me! Either way I feel violated for having stayed there. I don't think my sense of colour will ever be the same. The beauty of the thing that you can't quite see is the bed spread in the bottom corner of the pic. The bed was actually a BRIGHT peach colour! OMG The whole room only looked ok in the dark... and even then it was bad. I really shoudn't complain to much about this place though because it was meticulously clean. So basically the final word on this is that if your of Ukrainian extraction (as I partly am) you really won't have a problem staying at the Greenwood hotel.

Next in this mini picture tour is a lovely little number I've entitled RAGE! Why you ask would a seemly innocuous little red Jeep cause rage? Well normally this wouldn't cause me to even give it a second thought. Well when said cute little Jeep is driven by a very old man wearing a cap, the cap wearing variety of old men are perhaps the most infuriating drivers I've even encountered, and doing 70 Kms/hr down a straight stretch of road Clearly marked as a 100 Kms/hr zone the rage is explainable. Now when there is a steady line of cars in the opposite lane thereby not allowing a chance to pass for quite a while the rage is downright excusable! I fear that Raphael is going to be a hat wearing little red wagon driver someday... seeing as Wifey already is (it's true minus the red wagon... so far)!

Overall my trip to the Grand Forks area was quite a success though. As mentioned in my previous post I enjoyed the food and overall the people I was dealing with were a very pleasant lot. I'm hoping that my 4 week trip to Alberta in a few weeks will prove as pleasant as this one was... although I'm not expecting the weather to be nearly as decent.

Since I've been getting up at such ungodly hours this week 3:00AM etc. I'm dying right now even though it's only 9:18. So that said I'm signing off and going to bed. Very busy weekend coming up. Tomorrow is a quick Thanksgiving dinner with my family. A Murder Mystery dinner with Tim and Lisa and Sylvia in Kelowna then likely going to Penticton with Sylvia and will end up meeting with Janet and going out. Then Sunday it's Thanksgiving dinner with Janet's family and Monday is recover from the previous two days. Happy Thanksgiving to all you Canadians out there... displaced and otherwise.

Yes I'm still alive. I've been down in the Grand Forks area eating Borsch and Bread with Vereniki. Yum!

I actually took a picture (will be posted soon) of my hotel room in Greenwood because it's so God damned ugly! Once you see the picture you'll know what I mean. Of course the town of Greenwood doesn't have Cell service and I just noticed while checking out of my hotel room that they do offer internet connetivity... Oh well. I'm using the computer at the town's combined Tourist Information Office and Museum. The pasty animic looking fellow at the front desk seems to be getting antsy because I've actually come in and taken them up on the use of a computer. It's rather a strange set-up because I actually had to come into the back office of the Museum to use the computer! Come to think of if I'm getting antsy just setting in here... it's kind of creepy with the big pasty guy floating around...

God Damn does my head hurt. I thought I was actually going to throw-up a couple times today because my stomach was so upset from the head ache. Thankfully the job today went fairly quickly for 11.5 hours. Tomorrow it's off to Grand Forks where I'm very anxiously awaiting a meal of Borsch and very likely bread! Sometimes there are perks to travelling to the middle of nowhere.

Oh in case your wondering the new template got changed again. Didn't like it.

Tonight I'm thinking about some of the kids that are left on the outskirts of society. Ruth came over tonight and we watched a movie and ate some pizza. Ruth is staying with an Aunt and Uncle in a poorer part of town and as I was driving her home I commented on how many kids there were out wandering the street. We pulled up in front of her gate and across the street there was a young guy, I would guess around 13 or 14, wearing a t-shirt that he'd pulled his arms into, sitting on the back bumper of a van. Ruth and I sat watching him for a few moments and discussed whether we should do anything. Finally I said we have to at least ask him if he's ok. So we dropped the window of the car and asked if everything was alright. He tersely answered that it was. His face was clearly telling us to leave him alone. We backed away. Now everything about this situation was ringing alarm bells in my head and frankly still is. Of course once help has been offered there is nothing that can be done once it has been refused but still the desire to help doesn't dissipate quickly.

I bitch and moan about my life and the wrongs done to me all to frequently but the truth is that overall I've got it good. My parents love me and would do anything for me. And I have friends all over the world who would come through for me. If only every kid were so lucky.

So it was time for Template Change... not sure I like this one. Possibly a bit to frilly. I also added Site Meter Counter to the page as I'm totally curious to see if there are more people reading this thing than the ones I know are. We'll see.

I've heard a clip of the NEW MADONNA from her upcoming Confessions of a Dance Floor Album. IT's AMAZING! I'm SO EXCITED to actually go out and buy this album it's crazy. Gotta have something to look forward to I suppose.

I think my music is slowly going to drive the Baron crazy though if I don't watch it. Good thing I'll be going away soon. I have an upcoming Albera trip that will be about 4 weeks. This coming week I'm going to Grand Forks for the week.

Ugh, I forgot to take my vitamins today and I've just felt like crap all day. I'm even surprised at how much forgetting to take these things screws my system up. By 9 this morning I was feeling it.

I FINALLY got the leather properly replaced on The Focus today. The leather on my drivers seat has been slowly cracking for months now and making me crazy. So I took it into my friendly local Ford dealer (who I won't name) to get it fixed. Three visits later it has finally been done to my liking (and even now I'm not thrilled about the creases but I suppose it'll have to do). Seriously though it really shouldn't be that hard to replace a seat.

Well it's finally happened. Matthew and his girlfriend are engaged. From the picture that was sent out I'm assuming that she proposed to him. This was totally expected.

As absolutely thrilled as I am for them I have to say that getting the message was somewhat depressing on a personal level. When I dwell on it, in so many ways it seems that EVERYONE is moving onward and upward with their lives while I rot in Vernon. I know this isn't forever but... sometimes it feels like it. God if only things had been different... but hey, they wern't and will never be now. I have to cling to the hope and thought that there is more to this life for me. There are great things in store for me... just wish I knew what and when. Meh...

I've been dying to show off some of the amazing colours and scenery from Vernon lately. But as I just have a very small camera phone good pics are hard to come by. Here are two I took on a walk with my Mother yesterday.

Thought it's hard to see the first one is actually a dwarf apple orchard. These small trees are COVERED in huge red apples. It's quite a sight actually.

The second pic is a tree, I believe Maple, that turned this stunning red hue just about overnight. I really have to thank the heavens that I live in such a georgeous area. I Love it Here!

Today is turning out to be a day of comtemplation. I talked to my counsellor yesterday and I'm really very happy with my progress right now. I really feel that my whole demenor and outlook on life has changed greatly. This has been echoed by many of those around me.

I can confidently say now that I am not gay.

Wow, how do I continue after saying that.

To completely and fully be able to explain this I'm going to have to do it in person and it's going to be very complicated. So I'm going to do what I'm sure is going to be a very poor job of suming up the situation in as easy a way as I can.

Growing up a number of factors led to a male gender idendity deficit that left me feeling less of a man. This led to an incredible deficit in my male identity. Feeling that I was majorly lacking
in areas that men should have I came to idolize and eventually lust over those qualities I believed I lacked (I have read a lot on this subject and found that Dr. Joseph Nicolosi's books have been incredibly helpful. I encourage everyone interested in the topic of the male-homosexual to read these books). It was this lust that created the same sex longings I experienced.

I want to get one thing straight right now. I know that many of you think that I have been 'brain-washed' by my counsellor because he is a Christian. Get that thought out of your mind right now. I'm sick of having people not giving me the credit for something that I've been working on very hard for the past year. Give me and my mental faculties more credit than that. Fact is that I've tried the brain-washing religious technique before to deal with this issue and it REALLY didn't work. That and my counsellor doesn't care if I'm gay or not. He doesn't have a set agenda in 'making me' one way or another. He's just able to walk down this road with me and provide guidance.

The road ahead is still long and I know there are going to be times of great struggle. Essentially I'm re-educating myself to have a healthy view of maleness and my own maleness. This will take time. Of course some of the longings and desires will remain (I don't know if they will ever fully go away) but I know now that I can move beyond them.

There is so much more that I want to say but I just don't know how or where to begin saying it. So stick with me and I'll do the best I can.

This post totally came out of nowhere. I was originally going to write about the fantastic weather we are having today. How very Canadian of me.

On my way home tonight I stopped and picked up the dog. He was SO THIRILLED to see me he started barking and barking. This is a dog that doesn't bark so this is a major event. The people that were babysitting him were stunned because they didn't think that he could bark. So it seems that I'm fully integrated into this world because the dog misses me.

Today both my morning and afternoon jobs cancelled so I came back to Vernon picked up my friend and we went to Gray Monk Winery for a glass of wine and cheeses and enjoyed the view. It was a PERFECT Okanagan Fall day. The breeze was slightly crisp yet the sun shone so brightly and warmly you didn't even notice. Truly wonderful.

Then I went back to Kamloops to fit some people for custom ear plugs. Not exactly glamourous that job. Sticking gunk in guys ears isn't wonderful but it pays the bills I suppose. What I need is money... lots of money...

Well I'm done work for the day. Finally an early day. Now if I could just convince the dark circles under my eyes to disappear things would be lovely.

I feel that I should be out doing something. Looking around, seeing what's UP in 'the loops'. Either way I need to get out of this hotel room cause I don't think it's good to just sit here and brood.

Dial up Sucks! Thank God I have it though!

So two things of note happened today. I passed five vintage Rolls-Royce Motorcars on the Trans-Canada highway in Chase B.C.. And a lady brought her pet goat to her appointment! Yes a pygmy goat. It was cute but still strange.

I just started reading The 17 Secrets to success by... some guy. Well the first few pages said that in order to be successful you need to have a love, passion, deep seated interest, etc. Basically a goal or something that you want and desire to become a world expert in. I agree because if you are going to be good at something and if I'm going to do a job for the rest of my life I want it to be something I love. Now I just have to figure out what that is.

Thinking things over last night I realized that my frustration with my seeming disinterest in finding a new job (and yet desperately wanting one) is very much a result of two things. The first and most important is that I have been focusing so much on my mental health lately that I haven't been able to do anything more. In essence I'm coasting in most other areas of life until I order my mental issues properly. This makes perfect sense but it is very frustrating. Frustrating in the sense that I've been used to working a number of jobs and going to school and having constant stimulation for so long that now that I am unable to do this it's bewildering. The second aspect is that I really don't know what I want to do and trying to focus on something that you can't even figure out is tough. The fact that aspect one cancels out aspect two just adds to the confusion.

Discussing some of this with my Dad last night I gave myself a deadline of December. I'm quitting this job come December.

Reading last years entry on here for today's date proves yet again how quickly things can change in a year. How quickly I have changed and how much. The Baron mentioned to me just this week that I am completely changed even since arriving on his doorstep in July. I feel different and things are starting to make a lot more sense. I always want it to move faster though. I believe my counselor would tell me to "stop and enjoy the moment." I'm doing what I can to enjoy that but...

I am REALLY looking forward to Saturday. I'm going to Quail's Gate Winery for a wine festival luncheon with Tim and Lisa. We decided that we are going to do two wine festival events for the Fall festival instead of going to our usual Fall Festival Grand Tasting. So this is event one and event two is looking to be some kind of Murder Mystery evening sponsored by one of the other local wineries. I really with I had someone to go with... Sometimes singleness does very much suck.

From Kamloops, good night.

Wow the days have been long lately. Unfortunately they've been starting at 5AM and lasting quite a long time. I think I have narrowed down part of what I dislike so much about this job. The complete lack of the ability to have a social life. It totally sucks!

I'm tired and kind of pissed off at my Dad tonight. He always seems to make me feel like an idiot when I mention things about work. Obviously the company is important to him but the fact that I'm one of his highest producers should stop him from jumping on my back when I mention anything about how a job went slow etc.

I'm back home. Very happy to be here. As I think you can tell from reading the past week everything was fine until Thursday. I just crashed. Even today I'm still exhausted. I had a short nap this afternoon and plan on sleeping as late as I can tomorrow.

I have been plesantly surprised lately with the number of e-mails from different people from the coast who have been wondering how things are going. I did make a lot of good friends down there. Even though the experience of working for HBC was horrific I still stand by the fact that there are a lot of good people working for the company. Unfortunately there are and equal number of truly evil, untalented people within the corporation as well. Ok, I'm blabbing now, off to bed.

What if this is all there is to life. What if I've reached my peak. Maybe I'm condemned to riding around in a truck doing a shitty job that I hate for the rest of my life. It's Friday night and I'm sitting in a hotel room in Williams Lake. I hate my life.

Being pulled in two different directions. Two different worlds. Calling me. One I don't fit in anymore, nor do I want to, yet I long for it. The other, foreign, scary, a place where I don't fit... yet. Yet that place is my goal. That is where I want to be. The process of getting there may just end up killing me. Laying in bed last night I desperately wanted to cease to exist. Why can't it be that easy?

Why is it that Starbucks stubbournly refuses to use chocolate in their mochas? I suppose the argument would be then it wouldn't be mocha. My argument is that they would taste much better and they would likely sell more. For some reason though today I got a craving for a SB mocha and had a Grande once work was complete.

Still in PG, anxiously awaiting episode deux of The O.C. which airs tonight. Seriously can't wait! And no this isn't a product of being stuck in PG I really love living vicariously through the characters on The O.C. . Am I a little to old for it... probably. Shouldn't I be smarter than to be sucked into a common soap opera... absolutely. But OMG I love Julie Cooper. The woman is so DELICIOUSLY EVIL I just LOVE to hate her. I wonder what dastardly deeds she's going to carry out tonight. Self-preservation at it's best, that's Julie Cooper!

Schedule has changed now so I'm looking forward to going home tomorrow. Not sure if I'm going to drive all the way home tomorrow or if I'm going to stay the night in Quesnel. It'll all depend on how tired I am tomorrow after work.

Well I decided today that fall has officially come to the North. This picture was taken at a rest stop approximately 80 kms out of Prince George on my way there from McBride. I was hoping that the fall colours from the trees would show up better but this will have to do. Driving along Highway 16 today offered many stunning fall views. There seemed to be a lot of deciduous trees mixed in with the conifers and the mixture was simply gorgeous and stereotypically Canadian. Trees as far as the eye can see.

McBride I do want to add is a ridiculously small isolated town in the middle of nowhere. Check it out on a map and I'm sure that you'll agree it's truly in the middle of nowhere. Last night at a restaurant I witnessed a very sad attempt at cross cultural communication. The table of German tourists were having a hell of a time communicating to the waitress. Mostly cause the waitress kept talking to them like they were 3. I was so embarrassed. Oh well what can you expect.

Currently in Prince George and some things have pleasantly surprised me. There is a lot of growth going on in the city. Lots of new buildings and businesses are going up. The majority of the people I've seen are still as fashioned challenged as ever though. On a quick walk to Starbucks (mercifully it's still in the same place) I witnessed everything from capri pants with white socks pulled up to hair scrunchys! Oh well what can be expected, change comes slowly to the North.

Seems that I've lost that 'I'm just desperate to sleep gimme a room with a bed look' look. Upon walking into the hotel in Clearwater tonight the lady at the front desk took one look at me and said, I'm completely full except for one room and you don't want it! Hmm, ok. Can I see the room? So she gave me the key and I took a look at the room which was completely acceptable (come to think of it this isn't a surprise as she also told me that their wireless internet didn't work, but as you can see it works perfectly well). God knows I've stayed in worse. Puzzeling over this I looked into the mirror when I walked into the room and figured it out. My clothes screamed CITY. Good thing I brought my work clothes to wear for the rest of the trip wouldn't want to be discouraged from other hotels to. Actually the other factor is that people in small towns stare at you if your wearing anything half-decent that isn't flannel.

I hate it when people ask me what I'm going to do after I've finished working for my Dad. Seriously if I knew believe me I'd be doing it, or working towards doing it. I really don't know. I guess it's not really so much that I don't know what I'd like to do but I have no idea how I'm supposed to get into doing what I want to do. I suppose that I should use some of the time that I have now to be researching this stuff in order to get a better idea but honestly I just don't care. In the past few weeks I've noticed that I am in a period of apathy with just about everything. I'm almost at the point of calling myself lazy. I don't want to read any books, I'm not interested in starting any new projects, even meeting up with people just seems like to much effort. I wish I could get out of this stuck feeling frame of mind.

Tomorrow I start out on a 1 to 2 week trip through Northern BC. I start in Clearwater, Vavenby, McBride, Prince George, Quesnel & Williams Lake. These are just the highlights worth mentioning. There are plenty of other hick towns I'll be blasting through. I have to spend some time at my parents house tomorrow in order to dig out some of my fall / winter clothes as they're already talking about snow levels in the daily forcasts. I'm not really sure how I feel about this trip. I know that I'm likely going to be a complete mess because of the truly horrible hours that I'll be working. All week I'll be working more than 12 hours a day. Not a prospect I'm looking forward to.

I bought The Killers 'Hot Fuss' CD today. It's not usually a genre that I would typically listen to but I'm loving it. This guys are awesome musicians. In fact there's a lot of awesome Brit music out there right now that's worthy of a booty shakin.

A friend of mine from Vancouver asked me if I would move to Lake Louise with her and work at a resort. Now this prospect in itself isn't all that exciting but I have been thinking a lot again about doing some travelling. It seems that all of the people around me are doing it and as I feel totally stuck anyway and really don't have anything worldly to speak of it may not be a bad idea.

I had the drivers seat on my car replaced today because the leather was cracking like crazy (and as I'm not three hundered pounds and the car is new there is NO reason it should be doing that) so the guys replaced it with a new seat but they fucked up the install so bad I'm furious about it. I could have put it on better myself! So the car is going back again next week while I'm gone so it can be re-done properly.

Finally I went to the Vernon Vipers game tonight. What a boring exercise that was. The stupid Vipers were playing the Prince George Spruce Kings (or Poplar Queens, depending on who your talking to), they took 65 shots on goal and only got 1 goal! The other team only took 21 shots on goal and still managed to score the first goal of the game. The game went into double overtime and still neither team managed to score. The game ended 1-1 and man was I bored. Come to think of it did you hear about the hockey game in the leper colony? There was a face off in the corner! Ugh, sorry for that just couldn't resist.

I'm starting to notice a pattern with the anger. It seems to happen when I'm hungry and have worked for more than 8 hours. Today I had a 12 hour day and the anger bubbled to the surface around the 9th hour. I was hungry, wanted to go home, and tired. I was FURIOUS at just about anything and everyone. Most of the anger centered on my Dad though. My messed up logic was blaming the situation on him because he owns the company so naturally it's HIS fault that the day sucked. I really have to figure out a way to deal with this in a good way, it'll be to long of a year otherwise.

Wow how exciting... I've been comment spammed!

I'm pissed. Irrational anger is coursing though my being. Irrational only in that I want to be positively mean to people tonight. I'm holding myself back though. I think it's just cause I'm tired. I worked a 12.5 hour day today. Specific things that are making me angry are:

1. My truck is the oldest in the fleet and is having transmission issues. I have been promised the brand new truck as soon as it arrives but it's still in Vancouver waiting to be built. My understanding is that it could be months. Now I've driven my current truck before and I suppose overall it's not a bad truck it just urks me to NO end that it doesn't have a CD player, it has a tendency to throw heat inside the cab all the time and even having the windows wide open doesn't seem to help. The aformentioned transmission problem means that backing up has to be done as SLOW as possible because if you go to fast the damned thing starts bucking like a mad bull.

2. It was 30 degrees today and I was testing at a location at which I had to leave my backdoor open all day for hours at a time so it was hot.

3. A co-worker pissed me off. We were supposed to meet up to exchange some work but he made me drive all the way across town to him to get it.

4. I forgot my toiletries at home, including razor, shampoo, facial cleanser, etc.

5. I just am.

What is with this. Overall the day went fine. I just sat in the back of the truck and watched The Sopranoes on my Computer all day. Really I shouldn't be acting this way. Lately anxiety has been making me crazy.

So I'm in Kamloops. Work has officially started and here I am. Already I'm thrilled that I have my laptop. My usual hotel just got wireless internet last week which is just amazing timing I think. That and tomorrow I'm going to have to sit in a parking lot waiting for clients for 6 or more hours. Does this bother me, well a little, but at least I have my laptop with it's DVD player and I rented some movies from Blockbuster before I left so I'm good with the whole sitting around for hours issue.

Last night Tim and Lisa came to my parents house for an 'End of Summer BBQ Celebration'. This summer truly was a good one and we wanted to send it out on a good note. I opened a bottle of French wine that Raphael had brought for me, last time he was home from Holland, and it was fantastic. Very dry and yet full. Went excellently with the steak. We also sampled a bottle of Sumac Ridge Gwerstrameiner Ice Wine, their first year doing it, and it was excellent. A good time was had by all and it truely was a good way to end a fantastic summer.

So I'm in Kamloops. Work has officially started and here I am. Already I'm thrilled that I have my laptop. My usual hotel just got wireless internet last week which is just amazing timing I think. That and tomorrow I'm going to have to sit in a parking lot waiting for clients for 6 or more hours. Does this bother me, well a little, but at least I have my laptop with it's DVD player and I rented some movies from Blockbuster before I left so I'm good with the whole sitting around for hours issue.

Last night Tim and Lisa came to my parents house for an 'End of Summer BBQ Celebration'. This summer truly was a good one and we wanted to send it out on a good note. I opened a bottle of French wine that Raphael had brought for me, last time he was home from Holland, and it was fantastic. Very dry and yet full. Went excellently with the steak. We also sampled a bottle of Sumac Ridge Gwerstrameiner Ice Wine, their first year doing it, and it was excellent. A good time was had by all and it truely was a good way to end a fantastic summer.