Today is turning out to be a day of comtemplation. I talked to my counsellor yesterday and I'm really very happy with my progress right now. I really feel that my whole demenor and outlook on life has changed greatly. This has been echoed by many of those around me.

I can confidently say now that I am not gay.

Wow, how do I continue after saying that.

To completely and fully be able to explain this I'm going to have to do it in person and it's going to be very complicated. So I'm going to do what I'm sure is going to be a very poor job of suming up the situation in as easy a way as I can.

Growing up a number of factors led to a male gender idendity deficit that left me feeling less of a man. This led to an incredible deficit in my male identity. Feeling that I was majorly lacking
in areas that men should have I came to idolize and eventually lust over those qualities I believed I lacked (I have read a lot on this subject and found that Dr. Joseph Nicolosi's books have been incredibly helpful. I encourage everyone interested in the topic of the male-homosexual to read these books). It was this lust that created the same sex longings I experienced.

I want to get one thing straight right now. I know that many of you think that I have been 'brain-washed' by my counsellor because he is a Christian. Get that thought out of your mind right now. I'm sick of having people not giving me the credit for something that I've been working on very hard for the past year. Give me and my mental faculties more credit than that. Fact is that I've tried the brain-washing religious technique before to deal with this issue and it REALLY didn't work. That and my counsellor doesn't care if I'm gay or not. He doesn't have a set agenda in 'making me' one way or another. He's just able to walk down this road with me and provide guidance.

The road ahead is still long and I know there are going to be times of great struggle. Essentially I'm re-educating myself to have a healthy view of maleness and my own maleness. This will take time. Of course some of the longings and desires will remain (I don't know if they will ever fully go away) but I know now that I can move beyond them.

There is so much more that I want to say but I just don't know how or where to begin saying it. So stick with me and I'll do the best I can.

This post totally came out of nowhere. I was originally going to write about the fantastic weather we are having today. How very Canadian of me.