I'm hungry and sitting here waiting for my chicken noodle soup to cook which is making me hungrier. I'm really wondering what the hell I did to piss off the powers that rule this universe. After paying a parking ticket that I got last week while I was at my naturalpath I went back to the naturalpath for another appointment today. Getting back into my car and driving home I was pulled over for apparently making an illegal left turn outside of the hours allowed! $75 Argh! I can't afford to live like this anymore. The only thing that could make my life worse right now is if I were to lose my shitty job and have no income.

I am going to be giving a major presentation tomorrow for a large number of company executives. Maybe if they get pissed off enough at my presentation I will get fired! Maybe that's a good thing.

I just got back from coffee with Marcie and it was a fine bitch fest. It was decide that she is going to contact a friend of a friend who is a corporate head hunter and that we're both going to sign up.

Life could just not get worse.

My life is over. My new Store Manager wants me to work 10 hour days. I'm a half an hour drive away from home. Working 10 hour days I don't even want to think about what kind of money I'm actually making. This is SO NOT WORTH IT!

I'm very, very tired and I have to get up at 545 tomorrow morning in order to be back at the store. Oh did I mention that I just got home :(

First day in the new store tomorrow. Tough day today. Got together and discussed Phase 2 with the other trainee's and our trainer. I found it interesting that no one wanted to discus Phase 2 when we had the chance. I think everyone was just resigned to the fact that it had been a tough phase and we were all feeling very rough. C'mon HBC show me some love for God sake.

Janet's here! I've been drunk since Saturday. I've been drinking since 730. I have to give a presentation tomorrow. I don't care. I'm working at Zeller's. I have to start work at 7 when I work morning shifts. FUCK that means I'm going to have to leave the house like around 615 every morning. God Damn.

As usual, since I last posted, life has been moving along at a rapid pace. Yesterday was my last day at the store and it was pretty good actually. Two of the cosmonauts took me for Dim Sum, which was awesome, and before that Vancouver Mom and I went for coffee. Then after Dim Sum I went out for desert with the two department heads from cosmetics and my Mentor decided to join us. I think she realized that she would have to come with us if she wanted to make it look like she wasn't relieved to be getting rid of me.

After all of the deserts and dinners I ended up once again in the office with my GSM and my HRM, the two that ripped me apart the other day. We had a good talk about what it was that they had expected of me and what they assumed I knew from what they had taught the trainee who was previously in the store. Because their phase one trainee had been properly trained for the next phase at The Bay they assumed that I should know everything they taught him coming in from Zellers. Unfortunately they were dead wrong. Because the two stores are so different and the expectations were so different at Zellers there is no way in hell that I could have been sucessful in this store. It's kind of like taking a person, putting them through the McDonald's school of training and then putting them to work in a fancy Thai restaurant. They're both restaurants but they are worlds apart.

Either way I am feeling much better about the whole situation now but I am still mad that they put me on probation. I've decided to tell everyone that I'm parole instead of probation because at least that way it sound like I at least did something bad.

Leaving the store was interesting. Even though I did have a very tough time with many aspects of the job there in the past number of months, I did make a lot of good friends. I really enjoyed the people at this store and plan on staying in touch with them. I was given an awesome gift of different skin care products and sent off with their good wishes.

Last night was an excellent night in fact. Lexi, I and an assorted number of friends got completely bombed and went dancing. We danced for about 5 hours at the club and now we're all extremely sore. It was worth it though.

Day four with under 4.5 hours of sleep. I'm a wreck.

Well it's been another exhausting day. I'm looking forward to getting the hell out of this store though. One more day, I can do it! Actually tomorrow some of the Cosmonauts (or cosmeticians as it may be) are taking me out for Dim Sum! I've never had Dim Sum before so I'm quite excited.

I realized that I forgot to tell ya'll that they did in fact tell me which store I was going to next. Well I've been exiled to Zeller's again... which isn't the worst part. The worst part is that it's one that's an hours drive from my house! So that's going to add two hours more to my day now. How wonderful.

Day three and I'm still having a very hard time with all of this. I'm trying not to let it affect me but I just can't seem to. My stomach is tied in knots, I'm getting zits and my neck muscles are so tense I can barely move. I'm just so furious at them but more at me because:

A.) They should have given me more indication.
B.) I didn't even see it coming.
C.) I've been working my ass of for the entire four months.

I am JUST SO ANGRY but I have to pretend like everything is fine for the next two days because I'm still in the same store and I WILL NOT let them know that they affected me this much. God do I want revenge.

I have cried more in the past two days than I have in the past 6 years. Today I was put on probation at work! The reasoning behind this decision is because I was unable to meet the sales targets for the ORIGINS line. I was told that I have some serious communication problems. The communication problems line was the one that hurt and astounded me the most. Communicating has always been my strong point. Take that away from me and I'm an idiot who can't add, subtract or multiply.

The only thing that is keeping me sane right now is that Pam who is also at The Bay was put on probation as well and the guy who is working at the Vancouver Downtown Bay is going to quit any day now. So of the four trainee's who were placed in The Bay this phase two have quit, and two are on probation. Oddly enough those trainee's who are at Zeller's all did fine and were able to meet and exceed their goals... which I did first phase. Makes me wonder who's doing things wrong here me or The Bay?

Completely exhausted.

I don't really know what I'm feeling right now. The whole situation is still very tough. Is it possible for one to not have the feelings of gayness that one feels and has felt for a very long time. Can you sucessfully come 'out' of the lifestyle but actually feel as though you belong in the straight world. As I have mentioned here before I absolutely hate the gayness that is a part of me and always have. I'm not comfortable with it and I don't like it. I know that it isn't naturally part of who I am and I resent the fact that it has contributed to making my life such a living hell for as long as it has. If there really is a way out of this don't I owe it to myself to at least look into it? Oddly enough I'm kind of scared about this process. Even though my family is standing behind it and say they will do anything to help, which I believe without a doubt, I just don't know. It's taken me so long to even get to the place where I am now is there anyway for me to turn things around and change what I've done. Pandora's box has been opened and now I've got to see how much of the shit is salvageable.

Whoa, rough day.

Breakfast with Dad - Good, but bad.

Counselling - Diagnosed with moderate to sever depression asked to please follow-up with a Doctor, which I will do tomorrow.

Dinner with parents - likely to be tense and scary.

I have to say this though that my Dad handled everything very well. I couldn't ask them to affirm their love for me more. They want to help me get over this which is going to lead to some interesting situations in the next little while.

Well they're in town. Yes my parents are here. I'm having breakfast with my Dad tomorrow. Sure to be interesting.

Lexi and I went over to a friend of mine's house tonight for dinner. We had a great time and everything was perfect. She cooked a Salmon and it was AWESOME! But then I'm never one to complain about food in general. So yeah I'm tired. Good night.

Most interesting customer experience I've had in a long time today. Our Men's department's payroll was slashed so badly that there were constantly short of people to work the tills today so I went and helped everytime they called. Well I could tell this guy was a fucker before he even got to my till because he was yelling to other customers that as they were the customers they were "ALWAYS RIGHT!" Even though he had no idea what they were looking for or trying to get. So anyway jackass reaches my till and as I have to "celebrate" the customers purchase I said "Oh, that's a nice sweater!" He answer's "Well I'm performing a blood sacrifice this afternoon and I needed a white sweater!" I didn't even look at him just smiled REAL BIG and said "Oh! How nice." I was really proud of myself... and yet at the same time was a little sad at how jaded I've become that an anouncement like that doesn't shock me anymore.

Tomorrow I'm going to a Bridal Show. Yes this is what I have been reduced to. When the e-mail came around asking for male volunteers to be at the show I thought "What the hell it'll get me out of the store for the day." Only today did I find out that I'll be wearing a tux all day and handing out coupons for something or another. Actually I have to laugh at this it could be interesting.

ALRIGHTY! It's time for a good ol' rant! I'm dedicating this one to a good friend in Taiwan who reminded me today that some people just love to hear a good rant every once in a while.

Today at work I was yet again reminded what a shitty company mine can be. Another trainee, though not the same type as me, was let go today. No warning, although he knew it was coming, nothing. The Regional Manager came in this morning and just essentially said your done. Then they left. So the poor guy's standing there thinking what the hell do I do now? So obviously he got his coat and went home. I thought about crying because of the whole situation. Grrr just makes me mad.

Now on to the Rant. My girls all seem to display the intelligence of rocks. It's increadible actually just how they don't seem to get it. No matter how much I tell them, no matter how much I pester them, no matter how much I coach, nothing! It drives me crazy but I know that they know I don't have the actual power to get rid of anyone at this moment and that I'll only be there for another week so it's not like I even care. The thing that makes me crazy about the whole situation is that they're going to lose their jobs and they just don't seem to care. They're so fucking stupid that they don't realize that it WILL happen and the planning is in the beginning stages for it already. I'm happy to say that in some small way I'm making it happen by having documented all of the conversations I've had with them... they should consider it my parting gift!

Yesterday for example I was heading out for a coffee break and the two that were scheduled to be there were standing around talking to one of the other Associates who was already off. For some reason she seemed to be lonely decided to stay and chat. I ignored the little tea party and left the store. about 40mins later when I returned they were all still standing exactly where I'd left them but they'd gained another! Aaarrrrggghhhhh! So as they usually scatter and pretend to be busy when I'm around I stood near the escalator and had a conversation with one of the other Sales Managers. They all saw me and yet they continued their conversation just like nothing was going on. Finally I'd had it and marched over and asked the one that was off what she was doing! She told me she was shopping. I told her it didn't look like she was as she didn't have any bags! She told me she was going to buy... wait for it... a WATCH! So go to jewellery I told her. Then I turned to include the other two in my tirade. "You girls just don't seem to understand what I'm trying to tell you! If you don't start meeting your targets soon and be at your $60/hr target year to date your gonna lose your job! Of course now they're mad at me for talking to them like that *smack forehead*. Oh I don't think that I mentioned that I had, just that day, gone over their productivity numbers and explained how dismal the situation was looking. Keeping in mind that they are supposed to be able to reach $60/hour in sales as an average and that one of them had reached the awe inspiring number of $13 last week you'd think they'd be worried. Nope. Fucking stupid. Just unreal.

Tomorrow I'm pulling them all off of the floor and I'm going to make one last ditch attempt to paint a picture for them. Why am I doing this with one week left before I go? Because I care! NOT! It's because I was told I had to. I think my Manager doesn't want to deal with the situation and that's why it's been so bad for the past year well before I took over.

The End.

Sitting here feeling strange. It finally sunk into me after a long conversation with Janet that my relationship with Jake is not right. The fact that the boy has told me he loves me a number of times and insists that I love him even though I deny it is the first sign. The second sign is that I'm not attracted to him. The third sign is that I get drunk most of the time when he is around, I know not a healthy way of dealing with it but whatever. Finally we all went to a movie tonight and I just didn't want him there. For someone that your supposed to care about and want to be with I don't think this is normal. How on earth did I end up with this guy who fell completely in love with me as the first guy I ever dated. Ahhhhh! I now have to be ready to break his heart. Janet reminded me that I am perfectly capable of being an ass-hole and that I had better do it soon. Peter told me that from his experience any guy who tells you that they love you within the first few months of being together probably has some major issues of their own. I agree.

Lots has gone on in the last week or more since I've written but it's mostly all good.

My time at my current store is winding down and I'll only be there for the next two weeks. I have essentially relinquished control of Origins to another in order for the Department Manager to see if this lady has what it takes to run the counter effectively. So I'm sort of floating at the moment just racing around trying to get last minute things done for my program. I really need to start work on my Major Presentation which goes over all of my activities and what I have learned in the last few months while at this store for some of the Company's top executives. I used to think that it was quite a big deal to be paraded around in front of these people but now... not so much. One of them seems to be out to get me as well, which is always fun. She's the bitch that asked me if I would 'bet my paycheck' on the final financial results for my area during one of her visits. The last time that she was in she "warned" me that she was going to be prepared with LOTS of questions about why the line was down 25% (considering this was the average for the line across the company I'm not all that worried about it).

Personally things are going ok. Mom and Dad are coming down to Van next week and obviously want to see me. It think it's going to be an interesting visit based on what I mentioned in my last post. So I'll be having lunch with Dad on Monday.

I finally decided to seriously take some steps about getting myself into counselling. I contacted an agency today and booked an appointment. What I want to accomplish through this is hopefully finding a place where my mind is at peace with everything that is going on in my life right now. Finding a way to deal with the constant changes, in my job, my emotional state, and state of mind would be very helpful. I am especially hopeful that I will be able to come to grips with my double-mindedness regarding relgion and my feelings of betrayal by organized religion. Why is it that I am still, even after all this time, so wound up in religious thoughts?

Jake and I are back on again. Sort of. I'm trying to navigate my way through this 'relationship' and ensure that minimal amounts of damage are done to either of us. I find it tough to deal with as Jake displays a depth of emotion for me that I cannot currently return. I believe that when I start talking with someone about this much light will be shed (sp?).

Life continues on as it always has and will. The headache is a dull throb right now as opposed to a ripping migrane and for that I am thankful.

Birthday's suck when your alone. Not that I've been alone all day or anything but it's been a bit of a tough day. Last night Sister infomed me that Mom and Dad interrogatted her about me for the entire day on the 31st. They finally realized that my life is different than they thought it was going to be. Although she did say that she was surprised by how well they took it. So when they visit in January it'll be sure to be quite a commotion.

Today Lexi and I went shopping in Richmond. Yesterday I was in such a mood to shop that I went and spontaneously bought a DVD player. Not that we havn't been needing one and been thinking about it for a while but still! And today I was supposed to go and look for some pants and stuff but as we walked around the mall I was just beyond the point of caring about clothes.
About this time Peter called me and wanted to know if I would like to meet him downtown for a drink. So I went as I was curious to meet the new guy that he's seeing. Turns out that new guy is quite middle aged and very rich. Interesting how Peter get's himself into these relationships. So anyway visited with them and a few of the boyfriends friends for a while and ended up doing a muff dive shot at the place we were at (if you don't know what it is then don't ask) because it was my birthday and all. Peter and I made plans to get together on Tuesday.

After visiting with Peter I made my way home picking up the cake that my Mom had ordered me from Safeway and paid for it... not thinking that Mom had already paid for it. So I came home ate some dinner and then Lexi called and said that I should come over to her Sister's house. She then came and picked me up and we went over, stopping at Safeway on the way in order get my money back for the cake!

Now I am home and feeling very tired. But I should mention New Year's breifly. New Year's was a blast. We had a small gathering here at the apartment and everyone was just smashed drunk. Jake was here and ended up spending the night *smack - myself in the head* but I'm sure things will be fine. Now I'm going to bed.

I did have a rather enjoyable day actually. I left the house almost as soon as I got up this morning and went wine tasting with a good friend from high school days. Then went and visited the Answer Man for a while. So even though I am currently feeling like a bit of a loser things have been good today.

I'm in a total state of turmoil right now emotions are sloshing around and spilling out all over the place. I'm angry, depressed, frusterated, and just fed up with life as it is at this point. When will things ever straighten out. When will I be able to accept myself for the fucked up loser that I am and when will my family quite trying to impose their ideas of what my life is supposed to look like. ARGH! Angry... so angry. STOP MANIPULATING ME!

Well as expected Christmas has been a little bit tough around here. I've just about had it with my family already. Well my parents anyway. First night I was home there was a great discussion between the two of them as to what would be given to the poor girl that would get stuck with me. Very lively and oh sooooo funny. Fuck you.

Christmas say me recieve a girlie calander from my Uncle featuring half naked women dressed up as construction workers. Classy as all get out. Even if I wasn't gay I wouldn't want that anywhere near my walls. Just tasteless.

I'm so done with being home. I would actually seriously consider going home early but I have a doctor's appointment that I need to go to on the last day that I'm here. Guess the only thing to do is avoid being with them for the rest of the time I'm here.

Merry Christmas from Vernon!

Well after a furiously busy Christmas shopping season I'm heading home tonight. Back to Vernon! Sister is going to pick me up at 12:00AM in Kelowna then we will be heading home from there. Can't wait to see her. Hope the bus ride is alright. I'm planning on taking a little Vodka punch with me to make the bus ride and whoever is sitting next to me a little more pleasant. The worst part about this though is that there is no snow here or in Vernon so I could have very easily driven :(

Test, test, test.

I am changing a lot of things right now. Mostly my online presence in it's many forms. I'm looking into changing the address of this blog. Those of you who need to know the new address if that happens will be informed. Have a Great Night!

Thought for the evening... 'How does one find themself?' Any suggestions would be entirely welcome.

What is it about the ocean that makes me slightly melancholic. As I wandered along the seawall path today drinking in the scent of the salty air and feeling the cool wind fly through my hair I felt a little down and alone. It was an almost enjoyable feeling though. I seem to relish it even though I dislike it. Does that make any sense?

I just got home from watching Oceans 12 with Jake. It seems that he is doing well and the outlook is that we will make it as friends which is great and makes me pretty happy. I don't regret the experiences of the past few weeks because I learned a lot about myself in them but that doesn't make them any easier.

I got an e-mail from Raphael's mother tonight telling me that she knows about my lifestyle and that she's ok with it. I'm happy to hear that but at the same time am wondering how in hell she found out. I'm sure I'll know soon. This throws the need to have a talk with my parents into a whole new light. Merry fricken Christmas.

And the headache increases... So Pavel ditched me at the bar. Yes, he ditched me for a number of hours and he had my coat check ticket and VISA (I wasn't sure I would be responsible if I had my VISA, so I gave it to him as he doesn't drink). So after a series of increasingly pissed off txt messages to his phone he finally showed back up. All I said to him was get my coat. We did and grabbed a cab back to my place. As I was stone cold sober I told him to get his stuff and go to the car as I was driving him home. After a trip in which I'm sure he pee'd his pants (the FOCUS hadles incredibly allowing one to take corners at almost 80kms, Raphael's wifey would have died of terror) I dumped him at his place and said, you do understand why I'm furious don't you. He said he did and I drove off. Lesson learned never go to the club with Pavel again.

Lexi's gone and I'm lonely. So I called my friend Pavel from Richmond and we're going out to Celebrities! Update tomorrow.

What a day. I knew we were having a visit from one of the biggest cow's in the company who comes in approximately once a month. Basically came in and destroyed my self-confidence again. Most of the things that she was yipping about though had to do with issues that I could not control. There is no magic formula for making a person who is not a natural sales person an amazing sales person. You can work with those people, find out what motivates them, teach them what you know, demonstrate how to do it, etc. Unless they have the drive and the ambition to do it and are hungry enough to do it then it's not going to happen. There is nothing I can do about the team that I inherited.

One of my girls has been getting herself into trouble a lot lately because of the attitude or at least the way she comes across to people. She basically told one guy (another Associate) tonight to get lost because he was interrupting her sale, so of course he came running down to the office, where I was in the middle of a melt-down with my HR Manager, and told me she had been rude to him. I told him I would talk to her, which I did, and then I left. Later in the evening he comes up to me and say's "Did you talk to her?" "Yes." "Well when can I be expecting an apology?" "Um, you can't. I have talked to her and it won't happen again. That's all you need to know." For god sake these people are insane. Why in hell would he come and expect an apology. It may have been the right thing to do in his eye's but I'm not going to take her dignity away from her because he came running up and told on her. She's already dealing with the fact that she has been talked to twice now so there is no way I'm going to make her apologize. I swear this job is more like baby sitting all the time.

Sometimes life just seems so empty. You can try and fill it up with things, party's, alcohol, people, etc. but there is always that something else missing. What is it? My Christian upbringing would lead me to believe that it is God... but this feeling existed even while I was in the depths of spirituality. What brings these thoughts on tonight? I just returned home from the Management Christmas party for the store and after watching the majority of the management team get increadibly intoxicated I excused myself and drove home. As I slid my butt onto the cold leather of the driver seat my eye's darted up to my cell, which was attached to my visor, in the desperate hope that someone... anyone had left me a message. Did someone miss me? Was someone wanting to hear my voice? Does anyone care? Not tonight. No messages. Of course this is indicative of the emptieness that I feel my life holds right now. Gee no one called me on a Tuesday night while I was out at a party with about 30 people in attendance. Once again even though surrounded by people I was alone. I am... alone.

I talked to Sister after I talked to Jake and we decided that Christmas is going to be one hell of a drunken mess. We're going to get very drunk and go clubbing in Vernon then go in Kelowna to. Oh it's going to be an interesting Christmas this year.

What a fucking rediculous day. So I took the car in for an oil change and they told me that it would be a couple of hours so I'd better just go home. So they gave me a ride home and that was it. Four and a half hours later I called a cab and decided that I should go back and get the car because there is no way that they would still need it. When I finally got there after waiting 45 mins for a cab they told me that it would be about 20 mins. When I asked why it was taking so long they told me it was because there were a lot of cars in front of mine. It's not like I didn't have an appointment or anything! Gee's.

The day only get's stranger though. While at home I thought I would go onto gay.com's chat room. I started talking to this guy who seemed really cool. Well in the course of the conversation I told him the name of the mall I worked at and he told me that he had worked there until a few weeks ago. I asked him where he worked and he told me at Aveda. Well stupid me told him that I had been crushing on this guy that worked there for a long time. Long story short, he was the guy! What are the odds? Seriously I have no idea. Rapheal would you please work out the odds and let me know on this one? So yeah, I asked him out for coffee. And to my surprise he actually said yes! Oh dear. So I went and met him for coffee tonight and had a very nice time. I'm not entirely sure if I'm going to hear from him again, you know how you get these feelings, but it would be nice. Anyway I got home from coffee and Jake popped up on MSN. Well when I told him about my day he was SO NOT HAPPY! The situation degenerated until we finally decided that he (Jake) didn't want to see me anymore. To be honest I am sort of relieved because I have to admit I wasn't ever really attracted to him. He's a great guy and a lot of fun but.... I am really sorry that I hurt him and hope that he will eventually be a good friend but I honestly don't think that's going to happen. We'll see.

With so few day's left 'till Christmas I recently got into a bit of a panic and decided to do all of my Christmas shopping. Now of course because I adore shopping this really isn't a chore. The only problem that I run into at Christmas is, of course, money! But then who doesn't. This year shopping was easy. I went into my store early two days in a row and did all of my shopping in one fell swoop. In all I think that I spent about two hours in total shopping for everyone on my list. I have to say that I pride myself on the cool gifts I find for people. I love shopping.

Today my baby goes in for an oil change and I'm going to see what I can do to convince the dealership that my split windsheild is in fact a warrenty issue. The fact that nothing hit it and it just started to split tells me that there is a fault in the glass. We'll see, I don't want to have to shell out the $300 deductible ICBC would demand to fix it.

I'm actually getting excited about going home for Christmas. Call me a sucker for punishment but whatever. Looking very much forward to seeing Sister.

What a night, the store was open until 11 and in their infanite wisdome the marketing department in Toronto decided that they would run clock specials throughout the night. Essentially a clock special is a special that is only good between a certain time. Well let me tell you did we have some fights on! It was absolutely insane, an example of the issues that customers had with the specials was the Ferraro Roche special. Ferraro three packs were on sale for like a $1 each and many, many people were intent on buying them. Unfortunatly one lady got there first and bought the entire table full! So of course all of the customers that showed up at 701 instead of 700 were absolutely furious and were looking for a Manager to lynch! Now in their endless wisdom all of the Executives had left the store and left myself and another Sales Manager to deal with the evening. What FUN! Aside from the Ferraro controversy there was also one in Fragrances involving $9.99 Oscar de la Renta perfume as well as a freakout in Men's wear over $9.99 digital camera's. Really people life is far too short for this kind of stress. Go home, watch tv, get a life in general!

Well I have to say that the Christmas spirit hasn't exactly touched my heart yet this year. Working in retail right now is perhaps one of the most stressful jobs one can have around this time of year. Now of course all occupations have their own version of stressful times but Christmas just isn't supposed to be a stressful time for anyone. Today I have had a fairly productive day already. I have managed to go down and finally buy my bus ticket home for the holiday's as well as trudging down 4th Ave. with a pretty good idea of what I was going to get Sister for Christmas! I managed to find the perfect gift and I know she's going to absolutely LOVE it. The rest of my Christmas shopping is going to be done in the next few days and I'm hoping to get most of the things I buy at The Bay so that I can get everything transferred to Vernon free of charge! What a brilliant guy I am.

Well after an exhausting number of days that were very busy Rapheal left this morning. It was good to see him but I wish I would have had more time for us to just sit and visit. With his visiting schedule and my work events we didn't really get to visit for all that long. I am glad that I got to see him and the Answer Man anyway.

Do you ever feel one dementional? I do much of the time lately. When people ask me what I do when I'm not working my inevitable response has been that I sleep. Sad really. I need to find other things to do after work... or at least when I'm not working.

I'm going to look into finding a counselor down here. I've been feeling really out of sorts lately and I've been extremely moody lately, to the detriment of those around me, and I hate to say it but I think that my bad moods have correlated with the beginning of my relationship with Jack. I honestly think that I may actively be trying to push him away. Either way I'm very frustrated and it would probably do me some good to talk to someone.

Whew, what an interesting couple of days. Rapheal is finally here but I havn't had a chance to see him yet. I picked him up two nights ago at the airport drove home, went to bed. Yesterday morning I had to go to work quite early for an event that I was running and then I was told I was expected at the store Christmas party. So I raced from the store to the restaurant downtown where the party was being held. I managed to eat an excellent dinner and then gracefully exit by 9. Visited with Rapheal and the Answer Man at my place then I went to bed.

Now Raph and the Answer Man are at the Dutch Counsellate getting some business taken care of and I'm starting to slowly work on cleaning up the apartment a little. I'm expecting my guests will be back around lunch and I think I'll take them to Minerva's for Greek food.

I'm still run down and I'm periodically losing my voice, which is really frusterating, but I'm happy I'm on my day's off.

Oh my drunk again. This time I just really felt like having a bottle of wine. So I went to the store and bought one! Yay, wine. I wish Janet was here with me we always had such great times watching Will and Grace and drinking a bottle of red. What a girl I think I'll call her.

I did! I just talked to Janet! I LOVE HER. I miss her so much. Ok, going now.

As noted before the Bell Christmas party was fun. More has developed out of it than was originally planned though. The friend I went with (now deserving an alias as he'll be mentioned here more often now) Jack and I are now going to be officially seeing each other. This has been a huge step for me and I'm lucky he's such an amazing guy. The reason I say I'm lucky is that I really freaked out when the topic was brought up. I'm not even talking minor freak out... this was pretty major and I think that I hurt him a little. I let him get a little beyond the emotional wall I have spent years building and once I fully realized what I had done I just lost it. This relationship (?) is going to be interesting.

On another note I went into work today... yes, this is the second time in two weeks that I've gone into work on my day off for at least half a day. I had booked an appointment with a corporate client that I needed to see though and my schedule happened to cause my appointment to fall on my day off :( Oh well hopefully we see some sales as a result of my sacrifice.

Now I'm sitting here waiting for Jack to call as we have a date for dinner and a movie. I bought him a copy of one of my favourite books The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy I really hope he likes it.

Wow! The Bell Christmas party was so much fun! It's obvious that, that company has way more money than mine does! The party was held at the Sheraton Wall Center in Downtown Vancouver which fortuitously happens to be a very short cab ride from my house. So my friend and I took a cab down there and then had a great time.

Good Night!

I don't know if I mentioned this earlier but I am back on some medication again as my system crashed a number of weeks ago and I didn't realize. Suddenly my performance at work started to drop and I was constantly in a cloud. I've been back on the stuff for about a week now and I'm feeling so much better it's insane. At work I'm getting things accomplished, we're seeing results (little one's at that, but who cares something's happening), and it's just so much easier to be me.

Getting so excited for Raphael's visit! CANNOT WAIT TO SEE HIM! I wish he was bringing wify too but unfortunately circumstances dictate that it will not work.

I finally got my Christmas schedule and it's really pretty good. I have from the 24 to the 29th off so I'm going to go home. Silly me I already told my Mother this and now she's calling just about every night to say how excited she is that I'm coming home *rolls eyes*.

Oh, oh, oh! Last night I made my first roast! I cooked it in the crock pot all day while I was at work and it turned out absolutely fantastic. SO YUMMY! I have decided that I LOVE crock pot cooking, it's so easy and it tastes so good!

Looking forward to going to the Bell Christmas party tomorrow... It should be fun.

It's Will & Grace night! Yay! I live for Wednesday night. It's rather sad but it's true. So yes I'm sitting here eagerly awaiting the beginning of the show.

I'm going to a Christmas party Saturday night! It's the first of the season and it's gonna be interesting. It's for Bell Canada and my friend asked me to go with him so I said "sure". It sounds like it's gonna be a lot of fun. It's at the Sheraton downtown and there are gonna be tons of people there. I'll be sure to update everyone on Sunday morning about it.

Tomorrow I have a meeting with my trainer from work. This is the woman that is in charge of all of the trainee's in the BC chapter of the program. I'm going to make a list of questions that I want / need answered and we'll see where this goes.

Well I just finished an exhausting day. I went into the store early today to organize things for an event that I was at tonight and also went around to all of the offices in the office tower that is attached to my mall and visited every single office and promoted my products. Cold calling is exhausting but I'm really hoping that we see some results from it. God we need to see some results! After the work that I've put into it I expect some results. I've found three more office towers that I'm targeting this week so something should happen from this.

Well last night was Lexi's Birthday and it went off with out a hitch... well except for the Birthday girl being sent home at shortly around 1030! It seems that it should be a requirement of living in this house that you be able to navigate your way down stairs at a bar while drunk. Lexi did a swan dive off of a stage at this trashy bar that we ended up at last night that beat my tumble down the stairs at Celebrities four weeks ago by a mile! It was terrifying I was sure that she'd broken her neck. But nope! Up she popped from the floor and immediately started dancing away. Oye Vye! Well now I've got to get to work.

Damn I'm in a good mood! I met this great guy on the net last night and we ended up trading a bunch of MP3's and he sent me some truly wicked tracks! New music always makes me so happy :)

Well Mom and Dad's visit was very sucessful. We actually had a really good time and they were very excited to be here. I took them consignment shopping on 4th Ave and Mom got some good deals. I fell in love with a wool coat from Armani Exchange that fit me like a glove. Just perfect and it looked incredible. Oh if only I wouldn't have frozen my credit! Oh well next time... jackets come and go but your credit rating is forever... right. Mom and Dad brought me one of Mom's slow cookers so I'm going to use it within the next few days. I'm sort of excited about it for some reason. Hmm I guess it's cause I'm a loser!

Today I'm going to another friends house for lunch and movie watching. I'm very excited. I actually met him on the net as well. I swear if I lost my internet capabilities my social life would disintegrate.

Speaking of social life. Lexi's Birthday party is coming up! Yay! We're not entirely sure who's coming. Why is it so hard to get people to commit to anything these days? Gee's you wouldn't think it would be hard to get people to come over and drink! Go figure.

Fuckin Hell I hate work sometimes! I swear Wal-Mart here I come. God Damned company and it's fear and intimidation tactics. I really don't think that I'd be having these types of problems in another retail company. I could be entirely wrong of course but you know what, I could be right as well. Considering that I'm not the only trainee that's having as much trouble as I am. It really seems that the same problems are plagueing all of us. No direction! My mentor told me today that I looked like I was wandering around lost all the time. Gee, ya think that maybe it's time to give me some direction and help then wouldn't ya! I swear if I get the opportunity to get the hell out of this company soon I'm gone! (Of course I'm blowing off steam here... but you just never know!)

Feeling somewhat unsettled right now. I'm wondering if I'll be able to accomplish anything that I need to to be successful. You know those moods you get when you feel like anything is possible and you'll be able to accomplish anything? I'm not in one of those right now. I feel like I'm on The Apprentice every single day of my job. It's not a nice feeling especially when the final outcome is so undecided. I really feel that the company lied to us or at least purposely mislead us in telling us where we would be placed at the end of the training program. We were originally lead to believe that after the training program we would be placed in executive positions in a store. Now my understanding is that we will be placed in a store at a Sales Manager's position. Now there is nothing wrong with that but it is a lower position than was originally indicated. The point was brought up the other night by one of my fellow trainee's that we are already being paid more than a Sales Manager would generally make so are we going to be asked to accept pay cuts once things are figured out or is something else going to happen? I'm not sure. All I know is that it's going to be a frosty day when someone asks me to take a pay cut.

So yes feeling a little disjointed tonight. I did find out that Mom and Dad are planning on coming for a visit. They will be here on Tuesday night, spend the day with my on Wednesday and then leave that night. It's gonna be a very quick trip but I think that'll be the best kind.

So I have just been informed that I haven't actually told you fine people about my Vancouver Mom! I'm so sorry. Here I go on and on about her but I haven't introduced you all formally. Vancouver Mom is the result of one of the smartest decisions I could possibly have made since arriving at my new store. The first party that I went to at the store was at her house, she's one of the other Sales Managers. Well let's just say that Vancouver Mom is a women who really enjoys the company of men... especially cute younger men... especially after she's been drinking. Well anyway I saw this all coming that first night before she'd started drinking, you know how you just sometimes get these sixth senses about people, so I immediately dubbed her 'Vancouver Mom' I told her that as my Mom was in the Okanagan she could take care of me. Smartest damned thing I've ever done. She really took me seriously. Not only does she not come after me when she's drunk but she also protects me from many of the daily goings on in the store that I wouldn't know about. That and the fact that I get invited to all the best parties because of her really helps me with my 'in' ticket. Vancouver Mom's the best she's really been a life saver since I moved here.

Onto other news Raphael is coming to visit! OMG So excited! After finding out I immediately requested to have my day's off, during the time he's coming, co-incite with the time that he'll be here! Can't wait to see him and the Answer Man.

I went out to meet another new internet friend tonight. Very nice funny guy. We chat all the time online and on the phone so I decided that it was time to meet him. We went bowling and would you believe that we go into the bowling alley and the bowling guy is like... "I'll put you in lane 8 next to Swollen Members!" Imagine that bowling next to a semi-famous rock band. What a kick, I love Vancouver. So anyway the non-date (boi has a boyfriend) went well and we had a good time. He'll be a fun guy to hang out with.

Ok, well I should go to bed. I've been having trouble sleeping lately. It's been terrible as I haven't been able to sleep until 2 most nights recently. I don't understand it because I'm totally wasted the next morning. Oye, life is difficult.

I have decided that having Tuesday and Wednesday off during the week sucks. Yesterday I was at the store for a couple of hours even though it was my day off because my Rep was in and I thought that it was important that I be there. So today I slept in for many hours and then got up. Went and paid my car insurance then went and had a coffee and read a magazing at Starbucks.

Monday was a very difficult day actually. My new mentor and I were having a meeting and she was basically telling me everything that was wrong with the line. Fine. The problem was that she was making everything sound like it was my fault. I was so upset that after the meeting I went back to my office and seriously thought about crying. Instead I called Vancouver Mom and asked her what I should do. She told me to go back and ask mentor what the hell that was all about. So following her advice I went back to mentor and told her that I was feeling like I was getting into shit with her from the way that she was talking to me. She assured me that I wasn't in trouble but that she was just trying to relay the gravity of the situation. Um, I think I get it. I understand that we're down in sales by almost 50% but you know what there really hasn't been anything I could do about it in the last week that I've been there. I was too busy trying to clean up the mess that had been left by the prior two Counter Managers. So anyway I almost cried on Monday because I was just so frusterated.

We're starting to get into party planning mode over here as it is Lexi's Birthday next Saturday. We're planning on having a rather large assortment of different people come over to our place and then we'll all head out to the bar. I'm really looking forward to it I'm sure we're gonna have fun.

Oh an update on how I'm getting my financial house in order. I put my credit cards on ice. Literally, I froze the fuckers in a bowl of water in the freezer. Forces me to budget wisely because I can't firvolously spend this way.

PETER IS MOVING TO VANCOUVER! I'm so excited. I just can't wait. Means I'll have another friend in Van to hang out with. Yay!

Mom and Dad have been talking about coming down for a visit next week sometime. I'm actually looking forward to seeing them. It could end up being just my Mom who comes down though we'll have to see.

What else...

I'm really looking forward to life stabilizing a bit. My job has been somewhat horrendous as of late, personal life has been somewhat chaotic, and as mentioned above finances are not what I'd like them to be. Oh well as they say this must be the 20's.

Today was an excellent day. I finally got to see Marcie whom I have not seen for close to two and a half weeks now. We had an awesome coffee session for a couple of hours which was really nice. Now the only problem is that I had two Greek strength coffee's... buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Because I seem to be having trouble with my budget lately I have decided to take drastic measures. From now on it's cash only. I took my credit cards out of my wallet and it's budget time. The problem is that I know what I've done wrong and really feel silly about it. Oh well I've decided the change is gonna happen and that's that.

It was Vancouver Mom's birthday last night. We went to this amazing Indian restaurant and I was again amazed at how much my co-workers can drink. It's truly an amazing thing. Now I'm looking forward to Saturday morning breakfast that is a tradition at the store. They're all going to be completely hung-over though so it'll be interesting to see how the conversation is.

Lexi went on a date last night with some guy that she met over the internet. I think it went well as she got home shortly after I did at 1215. She then proceeded to bang loudly on my door. Just enough to scare the hell out of me and wake me from pre-slumber. I can't wait to hear about the date after work.

Now I am off to work to flog cosmetics. Thankfully the line has been up the last few days and on Wednesday we were the top selling counter in the company. Not bad if I do say so myself!

After stressing out about my work situation all night last night I went into work today and ran into the store manager. She asked me how it was going up there and I told her. She just looked at me and said "well maybe it's time to move these girls out of cosmetics!" D'uh. And here I didn't think I had the power to do that. Apparently I do. Let's just say the whole team at the counter needs to be changed so I'm gonna do it.

In other news... well there really isn't any tonigh. Good night!

Today I'm feeling very much like I hope that President Bush feels, like he's about to lose his job. I'm feeling really quite overwhelmed at work. I feel as though there is so much that I am supposed to be doing that I'm not it's crazy. I need to get organized. I'm spinning constatnly. How do I get my Associates to take ownership of their work? When I asked my Mentor that she told me that, that was my job! Then she told me that I just have to constantly follow up on what I ask them to do. In my mind that isn't so much helping them to take ownership as it is harrassing them until they do what I tell them to. Maybe I'm just missing something. I need to think outside of the box, I hate that phrase. Just feeling so frusterated right now. Need to take out some aggression on someone. I think I'll call Pam and yell at her for a while.

Sitting in my comfy chair as I type this I'm looking out of the sliding doors that form part of the wall of our living room. Right now the scene is so utterly fall that it makes me want to eat a pumpkin pie. The leaves on the trees are flaming red. Not even just red like a sports car but a vibrante red that you would usually equate with a living organizm. Now as I believe the leaves are all dead, I should call the Answer Man and double check that, it's really odd that they look so live and living. The scene is so picturesc that I'm just waiting for the Celine Dion soundtrack to start... That woman is starting to turn up EVERYWHERE! Air Canada has signed her to sing on their new commercials, she's entered some kind of Devil's tryst with Anne Geddes which resulted in a book that I'm quite sure thouroughly abused the babies! She has turned up as the face of the Hudson's Bay Company's Breast Cancer Awareness Month and she's got a new song out on the radio. Does anyone else realize that WE DO HAVE OTHER CANADIAN CELEBRITIES! For God sake there's got to be someone more deserving of all the media attention.

As mentioned yesterday I've got a cold again. I have to change a few things in my lifestyle here pretty quickly. I don't think the fact that I had four 12+ work day's in the last week helped. I run myself down and then I get sick. I called my Mother this morning and she told me that I need to start eating right.

I'm watching my favourite daytime talk show right now 'Ellen'! They are advertising the fact that Ellen will come to fundarisers / parties if invited. Currently she is getting ready to go to a Casino Night in New York. How great is that. I need to think of a way to get Ellen to come to Canada.

As the last paragraph shows I have nothing more interesting to write at the moment so I'll let you, my dear readers, go. Bye

Ah it's been an interesting couple of days. I just got off the phone with Dan. That relationship, if you could call it that, is done. The problem is that we're just in two different places in life. I'm relatively sad about it but at the same time I'm relieved because it just wasn't working. So that's the end of that.

In other news I've been able to get my cosmetic line selling. Took the counter from an average of $400 a day to well over a $1,000 a day in the last week. Since going to school I've been able to sell the stuff like crazy. Now that I've got it figured out I'm trying to teach my girls how to sell effectively. At this point they are doing well when I'm there but when I'm not it seems everything I teach them goes out the window. I need to teach them consistency.

I am sick again. Bloody cold just came back. I'm too run down. I think I need to go to bed.

Good Night.

I'M IN LOVE! With a skin care line. Turns out that Origins is the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. Everything in the line is fantastic. Now true I've just finished going to Origins school and I'm totally pumped up from the experience and all but I know the hype isn't just that in this case. I tried the Incredible Spreadible Ginger Body Scrub last night in the shower and almost didn't come out. I was completely blissed out. Amazing stuff. It's got dead sea salts, brown sugar, white sugar, olive oil, shea butter, and ginger in it and I swear your skin will never quite have felt as amazing. So anyone reading this who needs ideas for Christmas gifts... well you know how to get a hold of me!

In other news... I did a lady's makeup today! As part of this job I have to at least know what the hell I'm talking about when I'm on the selling floor. The teacher took one look at me after I had done the lady's eyes and said "You look absolutely frazzled!" Yeah, I think I knew that. What a stressful thing to do for someone who's never, ever, even thought about doing makeup.

Wow it's been a while since my last post. As usual I've been really busy. Last week was actually pretty non-discript in terms of the events that happend. I met the Origins Vendor on Friday, a Vendor is a representative of the company that is supposed to be helping us sell their merchandise, and she was kinda scary. By the time that she was finished at our store though I believe that I had charmed the hell out of her and she is thrilled that I've taken over the counter. Now I'm just working on my staff. I have four girls working for me and for the most part they are all great. They have the enthusiasim and willingness to do what it takes to sell the product but they lack the actual selling skills to close sales, book apointments, and other basic selling tools. I'm working with them trying to teach them how to become star salespeople. In order to do that I have to work on my own selling skills as well. Once I get the product knowledge down I'll be fine. I realized this the other day when two ladies asked me the difference between two different eye creams in our line and I didn't have any idea what the difference was or what an eye cream is used for. This is just an example of the types of difficult questions I face on a daily basis that leave me scrambeling for answers and forcing me to upgrade my product knowledge by reading the box in front of the customer.

Saturday night this week was a disaster. Intending to drink a little and stay home I bought a 2-6 of vodka mandarin (never, ever, ever again!). I walked in the door of the house to have Lexi inform me that we were going out to Celebrities, Vancouver's biggest and best gay club. Not wanting to argue I agreed that, that sounded fine. In the course of the evening I proceeded to drink more than I have ever drank and well frankly I don't remember much of the evening. Defeinetely not an experience I want to repeat.

I now consider myself an official Vancouverite! I just spent the day at my very first film shoot as an extra. The show is called Two for the money and stars matthew McConnehey and Al Pachino. We saw Matt but no Pacino. The temperature in BC place where they were filming was sub-zero though thought I was going to die of cold.

Well change continues to run rampant in my life. Especially my work life. Finally realizing the relationship between my mentor and I wasn't likely going to get better anytime soon and that it wasn't doing either of us, or the department, any favours the store executives wisely decided to move me to another department with a new mentor. So of course the natural choice to send me was... wait for it... Cosmetics! Yeah that's right I'm now the Counter Manager of Origins (www.origins.com in case anyone is interested). This is going to be a big challenge but I think that it'll be a less stressful one than Jewellery. So I'm experiencing a really steep learning curve again and this one is harder to BS about. Selling a watch is nothing, you can make up all sorts of stuff to say about a watch. Selling a body souffle is a little tougher as you actually have to know a bit about it before you can sell it. The fact that the line is so large and every different product segment has a different specific use doesn't make it easier. Luckily *insert sarcastic tone* I'm going to beauty school for two days next week so I'll be sure to learn tons of stuff. In fact I think that my biggest challenge in this department is going to be getting the Associates to be motivated to sell. Of the four that report to me three seem to have really good potential and the other is already on probation with me. We'll see what happens with her.

Yesterday Lexi and I had a great time shopping at Metrotown. I have vowed that I will stop spending money frivolously as I really feel I need to get control of my finances. So far this week I have done very well. Because of this decision though I wasn't able to shop for anything for myself. I helped Lexi pick a few new things but other than that just enjoyed hanging out with her for the day. It's funny actually we're room mates but we really rarely see each other. I think that's probably why we do get along so well when we do see each other.

In other news I finally went to a gay club a couple of nights ago. Let's just say that it was not what I'd envisioned in my head. Not nearly that good. That and the fact that I was practically molested on the dance floor somewhat turned me off of the experience... well with that particular place anyway. Like most clubs I have decided that gay clubs are best experienced drunk... very, very drunk. Next time...

So I finally saw Dan last night after a very long time. The last time I saw him was when we went to the Art Gallery a couple weeks back. I don't know if this 'relationship' is going to go much further than it already has. I'm finding it tough to stay interested when I don't see him more than once a week and talking on the phone every night just isn't doing the trick. Stay tuned for more.

Mood - Slightly Despondent
Music - Sarah McLaughlin Afterglow

I have just lived through what was possibly the most horrific day of my life.

One more day! I can do it. You never really realize how much you can't handle being at home with those you love until your there. Aiyeee! Not that my visit has been bad but man...! Today my Mother and I got into a heated discussion about why I wasn't bothering to look for a church in Vancouver. The conversation ranged all over the place and ended when I left the room. Essentially she was telling me that unless I met people in church I would never have friends who would be there for me when I really needed them. Of course I countered by asking how many "real" friends she had in the church, that she hadn't just met... you know real friends that have been around for a long time. She didn't like the answer. After I left the room she actually came and told me that she was sorry that she had upset me! This is a new turn of events.

Shortly after the previously mentioned events Mom decided that I should come with her to find picture frames for my grad pictures and degree. Not thinking I said sure. Two and a half hours and five stores later we were back in the very first store that we'd looked in buying the ones that she'd picked out while there on the first visit. I just wanted to die.

I have been using my free time wisely while here though. As I don't have a burner on my computer I've been downloading and burning like a fiend *if anyone with the intention of sueing me because of the last statement is reading this know this. This whole blog is a lie!*. Managed to find a lot of songs.

Needless to say I cannot wait to get back home. I have accomplished what I hoped I would with this visit... ensuring that nothing has changed all that much. It hasn't!

Tomorrow I'm going for breakfast with my Uncle, which is sure to be one big bitch fest about how he finds my Mother anoying. Guess what! We all do! now get over it! Then I'm going for blunch with my Dad. I hope that it goes well. Till then, have a good night!

I just got home from spending a really enjoyable time with Peter. We discussed many things. Seems he has a new man in his life as well. He's looking to make some big changes in his life and I support him 100%. It's about time that he did this. Walking into the house, after I got back, I was talking to my Mom, who's never met Peter, and she was asking all the regular questions. How do you know him etc. Then she hit me with one I'd never had before. "What do you two have in common?" Umm...! Just stuff.

Happy Thanksgiving! Well I'm back in Vernon. Just finished cleaning up from a fantastic turkey dinner and seeing a bunch of people. The past few days have pretty much been a roller coaster, as usual, and have been really busy. Friday at work I had yet another blow out with my Mentor. You'd think that after three times he'd get the picture that he isn't going to win. This time he actually got pulled into our Manager's office for an hour long lecture. Hate to say it but he had it coming. So after a somewhat nasty day at work I went to a dinner party that I was invited to by one of the other Sales Managers. Turns out she had invited the Executive team from the store and me. Pretty cool actually as it shows that I'm fitting in really well with the people who's opinions actually matter. I got home relatively early from that as I was supposed to see Dan but we weren't able to get together.

The next morning I got up and drove to Penticton for what I thought was going to be a fun time at the wine festival with Janet. Unfortunately the evening with Janet didn't go so well. I think that her expectations and our's just didn't really match up. I did have a fantastic time with Tim and Lisa though so all was not lost. This morning Janet left really early and very quickly because she was really mad at us. We did get everything straightened out though tonight and she came over for turkey with the fam.

I'm now sitting here wondering how on earth I'm going to be able to spend the next few days at home with Mom and Dad. I really want to be able to take this time and do as little as possible and rest up but there are so many people that want to see me that I'm not sure how that's going to look. Oh well sucks to be wanted! I'm going to bed now so I can move tomorrow. So tired.

YAY! The day has finally arrived! I'm going to Penticton to attend the Wine Festival! So, so, so excited. Janet is excited too. She called me last night and gave me hell for being out because I am supposed to be saving my energy for her and tonight! Can't wait!!! Oh just so everyone knows it's also another VERY important day today! It's Rapheal's BIRTHDAY! Happy Birthday Raph!

What kind of a moron engineer decided to spring load the door to a fucking oven! Picture this. Keith get's home after a lovely date with Dan at the Vancouver Art Gallery where there was an awesome exhibit of Emily Carr's works. Keith decides upon returning home that he wants Pizza. As he is getting ready to place the Pizza into the oven the door to the oven snaps back knockiing the Pizza. The Pizza falls onto the door and scatters a myriad of toppings both all over the floor as well as the bottom of the oven, where of course they catch fire! Now Keith is sitting in the apartment waiting for the Pizza to be ready while he smells burning olives. He actually had to go over and blow out the flaming olives that were on the bottom of the oven. Oh and Dan had to go home early tonight and I won't likely see him for over a week as I'm heading home Saturday until Thursday. So frusterated. Want Pizza.

The weather has turned. Yesterday morning I awoke to a grey day which by the time I was driving home had turned into a torrential downpour. I believe the weather has had an effect on me. I am so tired now that it's hard to comprehend. My mood has been on a steady decline as well in the past few days. I'm feeling more melancholic and slightly depressed as well. I believe that stress may be causing this but I also think there may be a little more at play. I hope to get things figured out really soon though. I'm glad that I'm heading home this weekend. With all of the change that I've gone through in the past month it'll be really good to go home and see that things really havn't changed all that much in the grand scheme of things

Tomorrow Dan and I have planned a date to the Vancouver Art Gallery. I'm looking forward to going as there is currently an exhibit by Emily Carr that I believe will be really good. I am a big fan of Emily Carr and her work. I'm also really looking forward to seeing Dan again. Talking on the phone just isn't enough.

Today it was brought to my attention again that I am coming across as arrogant and cocky. Damn it I hate that about me. I have no intention of coming across that way and personally can't stand people that do... Maybe I just can't handle the reflection of myself. I seriously need to figure out how to change the things that I am doing that lead to people interpreting me this way. Fore-front of mind from now on is where I need to keep this so that I can begin to make some changes. I wonder if there are any books on how to change peoples perceptions.

Talking to my parents I'm not sure what's going on for Thanksgiving. Janet has invited herself over for dinner at least one of the nights that I'm home though so I'm happy. I miss that girl tons. Can't wait to see her this weekend. I'm also glad to hear that my Sister is going to be home for a while. Unfortunately the way the schedules work though it sounds like I may only see her for a couple of hours before she leaves. Hopefully I'll be able to see her for a bit though.

The weather here has been absolutely stunning for well over a week now. Today is no exception. What am I doing with this amazing weather though? Well today Lexi and I walked up the hill to have breakfast at Sophie's (one of my new favorite restaurants for breakfast) and then we stumbled home and both of us went to our respective beds. Totally exhausted from the festivities of last night. After planning it for weeks we finally made it out of the apartment on a Saturday night! Instead of staying at our Apartment we made our way across the bridge into Yaletown and went to Marcie's apartment! Oh did I mention that the three of us (me, Lexi & her friend from Kelowna) were already hammered by the time we hit the door to wait for our cab to take us to Marcie's. By 8 everyone at Marcie's was dancing in the living room. Of course the original intention was to dance at the bar but... Whatever. So after a good while of dancing at the house we finally ended up hittin the street and going to Skybar. I'd love to say that Skybar was an amazing place and that the decor was incredible and everyone was beautiful but I honestly don't remember. Our group danced the night away though and I do remember the music was excellent. Actually I'm still feeling the effects of the dancing today. Everything is sore.

The partying really has to come to an end though. It's starting to get both WAY to expensive and I just need to start doing other things. One more weekend and then I'm wrapping it up. Of course this weekend is going to be a total gong show. It's the Penticton Grand Finale Consumer Wine Tasting for the Okanagan Valley Wine Festival! That and we're going to be celebrating Janet's birthday. Wow is it gonna be a time!

In other news Sister has been having a very traumatic time in Calgary. Our cousin that she was living with turned out to be a total little bastard. He spontaneously decided one night that he no longer wanted a room-mate and told her to move out. Just like that! Then he left to go back home to his Mommy and Daddy's house for the weekend. Didn't talk to her or anything. Thankfully she was able to call some of the other relatives we have in town and they got her moved into one of my Great Aunt and Uncles houses. The little shit head will be pretty surprised when he comes home and finds that she's gone. Serves him right. Just thinking about this makes me want to get violent.

Moving on.

I have the best room-mate in the world. Her friend told us this morning that we sound like a married couple.

Dan and I have been getting a little closer lately and we've moved to a place that is a little more than seeing each other. I'm still not completely sure where that is but it's someplace new anyway.

I've caught a cold. I'm not thrilled with the idea but that's what's happend. Starting tomorrow I have two days off. Thank God! So tired.

Ok, Janet has informed me that my blog has been making me sound like I'm miserable lately. I'm so sorry that's totally not the message I should be conveying. I'm seriously very, very happy here. True I have been having a bit of a tough time at work lately but I actually found out that it's because the guy who was assigned to be my mentor is a fucking ass hole who is threatened by me. I have talked to my coach, who happens to be his boss, and things are going to change in the store. I think that most of the problem seems to be that I view him as a resource for help when I need it. He seems to view me as an extra peon that he can boss around. Funny enough though cause I actually have a higher position than he does in the store and I'm obviously smarter than he is. Ok I'm done now, that's all I'm going to write about my job right now.

I just got home from a date with Dan. I really seriously like this guy and he seems to seriously like me too. Funny thing happened tonight. As we were walking downtown it seems that Dan is scared of homeless people (don't ask). So we're walking up the street and we go to pass this homeless guy and he gets a little to close to Dan so he grabs my hand. I of course start talking to the homeless guy and say "How are you doing?" He answers "well my foot hurts." To which I answer "Oh, that's too bad" and carry on because I assume the conversation is over. Assumed wrong. Homeless dude laughs at us and yells down the street "when are you to gonna get married?" To which I reply "not for a long time." So of course homeless dude yells at the top of his lungs "WELL NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE!" OMG how hysterical is that? I was just killing myself laughing. So damned funny. I told Dan later that I should have told him that we're not going to get married because we don't believe in inter-racial marriages (Dan's East Indian)! Either way this was a great end to a great evening.

I'm drunk. Very rough day. Very drunlk

GFoood night.

Just got home from dropping Dan off. He came out for dinner tonight with Lexi and I, then we came back to our place for Martini's. Marcie of course came over and we had a fantastic time. Dan and I left the girls and went up to check out the view from our roof top patio which he was completely sure was awesome. Earlier when we were on our way to pick up Marcie he had asked if we could go to the beach again so after the patio we went down to Kit's beach. The evening was excellent and I will be seeing more of Dan. Tomorrow it's off to Marcie's for dinner. I hope she makes her amazing salad!

Wow last night's post was dramatic. Sorry about that, but thanks to Stuffy and Raph for writing in their support. I got to the store this morning and was excited to be there. I love what I'm doing as much as there are some aspects of it that I don't like there are more things that I like than anything else. I'm actually glad that I started to think about the things I thought about last night though. Having these thoughts early into this stuff actually really helps. I really am starting to understand that I've got to put the time in now. Actually this isn't a big deal because what the hell do I have to do otherwise?

Today was Marcie and I's very first Pilates class. All I can say is I'm not so sure about this Pilates stuff. It's very hard work which was a bit of a surprise honestly but it was actually fairly enjoyable. I realized that if I was doing it a couple of times a week that my abs would be amazing! Too bad it's so bloody expensive as well the fact that I don't have time to do anymore classes. A good experience anyway.

Tomorrow Dan, Lexi and I are going out for dinner and then watching a movie at our place. It should be a good time.

Oh, oh, oh I bought a vacuum cleaner tonight! How exciting is that! How lame am I for being excited about that! It doesn't matter, now Lexi will stop being irritated by the fact that we don't have a vacuum cleaner. I bought a 12amp Panasonic bagless. Of course it was on sale, with a $20 mail in rebate and my company discount on top of all that so I got a great deal! How exciting a vacuum that really sucks. OMG I'm getting way to old if I'm excited about a vacuum.

Well I had a reality check today that wasn't too pleasant. It has become glaringly apparent that I am going to have to start spending more than the current 9.5 hours a day at work from now on. The work load in my department along with the extra courses that are expected of me as well as the extra responsibilities that are expected are not going to happen if I leave when I'm "supposed" to everyday. I'm seriously thinking tonight about whether this company really is the place for me. If the company expects me to work that much for so little pay then why in hell don't I just quit and go start my own company. The potential that this is all just part of a learning curve is foremost in my mind as well but I'm not sure if the situation will ever change. Argh! I'm just so frustrated with things right now. If this is really what life is supposed to be all about then I'm not sure that I like it all that much.

I love going into the store everyday and I enjoy the work that I'm doing for the most part but at the same time I desire a level of balance between the two that I'm not really sure exists. It's entirely plausible that for the rest of the training program I'll be working my ass off and that as soon as the program is done I'll continue doing that. It's really a good thing that I don't have a family or anything because I don't know how people with families do this. Balance... how to achieve balance. That is the question of the evening.

After Lexi practically tossed me out of the apartment tonight saying "Get off the computer and go hang out with him!" I ended up spending an interesting evening discussing the validity of Theology as an Academic study along with numerous other topics with new boy (I'll call him The Russian). And here I thought I wouldn't be talking about Christian Theology much anymore since I left Prairie... guess I was wrong. In fact the whole conversation was odd and I kept thinking to myself "What the hell!" Ironic that I finally make a more visible break from the church and then I end up defending Christian Theological concepts in a 24 hour Vegetarian restaurant till 1 in the morning with my gay date.

So yes in the past week I have managed to meet and date two new guys. Both are very nice and both have interesting qualities. The Russian is very cerebral and likes to prove to that he's right. At one point tonight I stopped him just for clarification on his thought process. "Do you actually think that I'm that dumb that you need to break everything down into rudimentary concepts?!" I asked him. After which he apologized and said no that wasn't his intention. I thanked him and assured him that I was in fact not that dumb then proceeded to deconstruct him on a personal level. I was actually really quite fascinated that he would allow me to go where I did tonight in the level of deconstructing his mind.

He told me that he had, had a very good time because he wasn't used to having someone to talk to that could debate and discuss topics with at a higher level. Well I don't really know how high that level actually was but... whatever. Actually I rather enjoyed the evening as well as I was reminded of many evenings with Raphael where we would sit, drink tea and discuss.

Both of my dates in the past two days have gone well but I heard the exact same comment from both gentlemen. "You have a wall around you!" The Russian actually went as far as to say it was almost physical. "You don't let people get close to you, do you" he asked. It's really weird because tonight I think that I was actually conciously building that wall and I'm not even sure why. I must be afraid of getting to close to these people. Perhaps if I let that wall down I might fall in love (what a horrifying thought). Perhaps why I build that wall is because I don't want to get mentally and emotionally taken for a ride. I'm going to have to think on this.

I do seem to be making friends easily right now though. Both guys seem to enjoy being in my company and suggest new things to do a lot. One (who I've just decided to call Dan) calls me everyday just to chat. Actually Saturday night is was almost annoying after the 8th time he called me. Apparently he thinks of me when drunk... how flattering.

I have to laugh at Lexi the girl is getting more pushy everyday on how I should be interacting with the boi's. I gotta love her. Tonight I made her eat shrimp for the first time and I think she has to admit that it wasn't all that bad! Don't you Lexi?!

Today is my day off. So far I am making good use of it by sleeping in, enjoying a leisurely shower, and will soon be putting in a load of wash before I go and do a small big of shopping for some groceries and such. As one of my new friends would say it's going to be a very chill day.

Well I just got home from a reasonably interesting day. First off last night was fairly interesting as I spent most of the night drinking Martini's eating chocolate cake and chatting with a fairly interseting guy. It was fairly late by the time that I went to bed. Knowing that I had to work today I should have went to bed earlier but... well I didn't.

All was good this morining though because the store didn't open until 12 so I was good with having to work today. I waltsed into the store around 11 and I was in an insanely good mood. With all that's been going on in the past few weeks I was honestly surprised at myself and how gosh darn happy I was. I actually managed to get a reasonable amount of things accomplished today because the Manager who used to occupy my desk finally came down and cleaned out all the crap that she'd left leaving me with all these empty drawers to fill with my own crap. Nice because I was able to go through the paper littering the top of my desk and I found a lot of things that needed delt with. After work I drove one of my co-workers home and went to meet a boy downtown.

I met said boy on the internet a while ago and have been chatting with him on the phone quite a lot. I actually met him a week ago now and he's great. Really funny guy. I enjoy spending time with him because he's funny but he's very much not my type. Actually I think that he's my polar oposite. He's all emotion and spunk. The perkiest little guy I've ever met. Anyway I had a good time with him tonight.

Tomorrow I'm not going into work. Seeing as I pretty much got screwed over today with having to work I've decided that I'm taking the day off tomorrow. Planning on going for a long walk with a new friend as well as.

Just got back from a run with Lexi. She warned me this morning that when I got home from work we were going for a run. I should have stayed at work... no it actually wasn't that bad and now I feel pretty darn good. Much better than when I got home from work earlier. Again today was very overwhelming. I get this call first thing in the morning and my Mentor tells me "Oh by the way I have someone coming in for an interview with you at 11." Excuse me... I've never conducted an interview before. How am I supposed to know what to do. So he came down and conducted the interview while I watched. I had better get used to doing them though as I've got to find and hire approximately 10 more staff members in the next month. Anyone who wants to work for me just let me know!

I got home from work tonight to be greeted by Lexi saying "We need to talk!" Apparently she had read last night's entry and was very upset with me for holding in my feelings. I'm sorry Honey but that's just the way I am. That's why this blog has been so good for me because I can actually vent my feelings and frusterations without worrying about whatever it is that I worry about. Have I mentioned lately how much I love Lexi! The girl is awesome.

Work today turned out to be reasonable. The review with the Hun from head office went well. Turns out she was more interested in destroying a couple of cosmetics counters than she was in coming after me. That and my Executives had pretty much nailed everything down so that she really didn't have anything to come after me for. Those lady's are great. I wouldn't ever cross them or purposely make them angry at me though.

After work all of the store Management went to my office mate's (I share an office) house where we all proceeded to drink a lot. Had an excellent time. Excellent stress reliever. Well now I have to go to bed because I work tomorrow. Good night and thank you all for your concern. Love you!

The stress I have been under for the past few days is just incredible. I'm having trouble sleeping, my muscles are tight, my skin is going to hell, and I feel anxious most of the time. The feeling of wanting to cry occurs frequently. All of this is directly related to work and the current environment in my store.

The fact that I am a Sales Manager for the first time in my life and of a poorly performing department that is supposed to see a 25% increase during my time there contributes greatly to my stress. The additional fact that I feel as though I was thrown to the wolves by my managers doesn't help. Things are getting a little better though and I have been receiving more direction from the store Executives in recent days. Today was mostly spent preparing for a store visit from one of the Regional Managers. Thing is that most of the time Sales Managers don't directly report to this Regional Manager but because of the special nature of my current position with the company the Store Executives decided that it would be good for me to present my poorly performing business to her tomorrow. The fact that I inherited this business only a week ago and have yet to completely understand what's going on in it doesn't seem to matter. The Executives feel that I can do it. I'm actually thrilled that they think I am capable but at the same time the stress level I am under is staggering. The expectation for excellent performance is both my own and that of the Executives and I don't want to let either down. Thank God for Vitamin B pills and their calming effect.

Mom called me tonight. All went reasonably well during our conversation until she asked me if I was praying about the situation at work. "We can't do it on our own you know!" When I answered with a grunt I immediately knew I was in for trouble. I received a couple minute lecture and then was told that she would be praying for me. I really don't know of anything worse that she could have said. Of course I realize she prays for me, and Sister, everyday and that is comforting but when she specifically tells me that I shouldn't turn my back on God and that she will pray for me it pierces my heart. How on earth do I tell her that I don't want to give a rats ass anymore. How do I tell her that the years I spent trying to be someone else were a waste and that they were the most unhappy of my life. She knows it... but does she? How can she possibly understand what I've gone through? I really don't believe she can.

I really don't want to consciously turn my back on God but there are aspects of my life that just don't mesh with the theology that I believe in. I cannot even accept myself and what I am so why would God. I know He's there and I believe that he is directing my life but I don't know for what purpose. By walking the road I am walking am I walking out of His direction or is He still directing me towards some ultimate place. Am I just a peon that doesn't matter, will I make a change in the world? Will I ever have the answers to these angonizing questions. Can I change my thinking to be more in line with cultural and religious norms? Do I want to? What does that look like? Could I be alone forever...

So tonight I go off to bed in a sad state of mind. How do I bring how I was raised and what I am together into one symbiotic place inside of me? What is good and valuable in each and what needs to be discarded. How do I go on?

Tiring day. Tomorrow's looking to be just as tiring. Cosmetics & Jewellery gala at work. Going to be a late night.

Lexi and I decided that we would walk to Starbucks tonight. Not all that much of a feat as it's only two blocks down the street. We got coffee's, drank them at the sidewalk table and chairs and watched the people go by, then we walked across the street and found a log to sit on. We chatted about random things and watched the ocean and the lights of the city. It was cool.

On the way home we walked past a small market where they sell flowers. As is seeming to become my custom I bought some. Actually I only bought a very small bunch of flowers but I bought a huge bunch of eucalyptus! I arranged them both in a the juice jug we are using as a vase (for some reason neither of us owns a vase) and they look beautiful. The eucalyptus smells amazing! I honestly think that eucalyptus and sandalwood are two of my favourite smells.

I really miss Sister. I am planning on flying her out to visit me either before Christmas or in February. Finances permitting of course.

Thank heavens it's my day off tomorrow. From the sounds of it Lexi and I are going to go shopping for some random cool things for the apartment. We're going to go to Caban, The Bay, Ikea, and a few other assorted places. It will be a fun day.

We put up my pictures the other day and I have to say they look amazing. We put my large Audrey Hepburn up in the dining room, my Money print is in the living room, and the amazing piece of Audrey my Sister did for me is hanging in the hall of my room. My pictures and Lexi's furniture go together like we planned it. It's just amazing to me that our taste in just about everything is so similar. I'm very lucky.

Ugh, what a day. At work I was suddenly overwhelmed. I met with my Supervisor and she went over some the of expectations they have for me in the next couple of months. After she was finished I told her that I was going to go and cry for a while. She thought I was joking. I swear if I was capable of tears I would have cried. There isn't anything that they are asking me to do that is out of the ordinary or anything but seeing it all there in black and white in front of me was somewhat staggering. I've got to learn to stop and take a step back when I'm at work and breath. Today for a second day in a row I forgot to eat. I just had so much going on that I didn't stop for the entire shift. I realize the importance of learning how to step back now because it's only going to get worse.

After I fled the store this evening I walked out to my car and found that my passenger side rear tire had gone completely flat. Seems that this morning I had run over a massive piece of re-bar what decided to puncture the tire. Thank God that I wasn't crossing the Port Mann Bridge or something. Of course I called road side assistance and it took about 40 mins for the guy to get there. I was trying so hard to be nice to him because I was in such a dramatic mood. Blood sugar had been dropping steadily for hours and I wasn't sure if I was going to cry or go off on someone by the time I finally got back to the house. Things were so bad that I actually went and had McDonalds for dinner! Now of course I feel sick.

I have taken two Vitamin B pills in the past bit and I'm counting on that to help calm me down. Lexi is sitting here waiting for me to finish this up so that we can go out and walk around, maybe grab a coffee. We had discussed going out to a gay club tonight so we'll see where the evening takes us... The way my life is careening lately I don't have a clue.

Last night was very enjoyable. Lexi and I had deciding earlier in the day that we weren't going to do anything all that exciting that night. So we didn't. I came home from work around 6ish and we made Taco's which were SO delicious. Then I invited Rita to come over after she was finished work at the Dog sitting place she works at. Then of course I had to invite Marcie because what's an envening in Vancouver without Marcie. Essentially the evening consisted of sitting around in our dinning room drinking Martini's and visiting. After a while Brandon, Lexi's new boyfriend, came over and mercifully he brought us two bags of Doritoes. So the evening got even classier. Imagine the five of us sitting around, Marcie and I in jogging pants, drinking Martini's and eating Doritoes. Come to think of it switch the Martini's for beer and we'd have fit right in, in a trailer court!

WOW! What a day! I'm in my new store and it really feels like coming home. All that high end merchandise. I'm so happy to be there. My new position is Department Head of jewelry! I have 23 Associates reporting directly to me and I'm just a little overwhelmed by it at the moment. I proved to myself today thought that I am a fairly decent salesman. With absolutely no product knowledge or anything other than my innate ability to BS I managed to sell 4 watches (true I needed some help from the Associates on specific details such as warranties and such but the majority of the effort was on my own).

After a very busy day at the store I got into the back seat of my car and changed my shirt. Then I climbed into the front seat, surprising the people in the car next to me a little, and drove down to the downtown Sheraton where Marcie's company was throwing a gala. Gala is industry speak for "We'll buy you some wine, appetizer and a couple gifts while you sit and watch a fashion show of the new fall lines!" To say the least I loved it. Right up my alley. Perhaps the best part was the schmoozing potential. Most of the top executives from my company were there and I got to meet a lot of our vendors as well. You never know where your going to need connections!

Well tomorrow is going to be another busy day so off to bed I go.

Well one last day before I start work again. I'm completely exhausted now though. Today I'm taking it really easy. Pam is coming over to hang out for a while and I think we'll go to Kitsilano Beach, which happens to be across the street from my place.

To tell the truth I'm actually somewhat depressed today. Just not feeling up to par. I think it's because I'm tired and so much change has happened recently. I'm looking forward to getting back into the swing of things.

Yesterday was a fairly good day. Spent the majority with Marcie and we went to Zellers! Rather odd because we went from walking through a high end mall looking at $400 pairs of boots and $250 pairs of Sunglasses to looking for deals on cleaning supplies. Funny how things change as you get older and get responsibility takes over.

After an exhausting day yesterday I slept in until 10 this morning. It was a really nice feeling. Now I'm sitting here in my apartment trying to figure out exactly what I need to do today. I think the first thing I'll do is go and get a few groceries. After having eaten out almost everynight for the past week I'm getting to that panicy place where you realize your spending WAY to much money. Unfortunatly there really wasn't all that much I could do about it.

Today the weather in Vancouver is amazing. I'm very excited to go out and explore my neighbourhood this afternoon and then take a drive up to my new store so that I know how to get there.

In regards to my apartment, we've come across an interseting problem. The place is too damned big. We actually don't have enough furniture to make it feel like home. Strange situation actually. The place is airy and bright even though it's on the ground floor. True we have bars on the windows and a land lady who we call the warden but for now it's a wonderful home.

Well I've gotta get going and go grocery shopping.

Yeah, so I'm back in Kelowna for a moment getting all my stuff together for the move tomorrow.

Yesterday I wanted to start drinking at 10AM. It's been a rough week! I walked into Marcie and Franks place last night to find a party already underway! I immediately joined in. The evening peaked really early which meant that everyone was in bed by 1 which was good for me as I had the drive this morning. To make up for the fact that we didn't go out dancing though roommate and Marcie are ensuring we go out on Sunday! Good thing its a long weekend and I don't start work until Wednesday.

As I'm sitting here writing this I just finished packing up my room and moving everything to the garage to help make things easier for tomorrow. All that is left in my room here in Kelowna is my bed, which I will be sleeping in tonight. I really have mixed feelings about leaving Kelowna. Retrospectively I have had a huge year of personal growth this year and it's left me in an interesting place. I'm somewhat sad about leaving this city, it's been good to me.

Thoughts at this moment on moving to Vancouver are as such. I'm totally excited but I'm slightly apprehensive as well. Not only is this going to be a new city it's pretty much going to be a new lifestyle for me as well. Talking to room-mate today in the car (she was nice enough to come with me so that I didn't have to bring the rental truck back and pick up my car) I told her that I wasn't really all that sure what I was supposed to do now... I'm out and have accepted that but now what? Only time will tell.

On Friday in our class room session we watched a video entitled "Who Moved My Cheese?" this is honestly one of the most impressive little inspirational thingy's I've ever seen. The one thing that I got out of it... or at least that impacted me the most was the question

What Would You Do If You Weren't Scared?

Even thought I wouldn't have been in the place to honestly answer that question a long time ago I wish I would have been asked it.

Oh just remembered on the drive up Room-mate requested that her new alias be Lexi. So world I introduce to you my room-mate Lexi! She's awesome and we're going to have a HELL of a good time together. She's a self-professed partier and I know my life won't be quite the same as long as she's around.

Have a Good Night! Good Bye Kelowna you've been good to me.

Thank God that it's Thursday. What a week. Today class was focused on conflict. The day was fairly long and involved but at the same time I think that I learned quite a lot. I have been hearing a lot of "I don't really feel like I know you!" from many random people. I'm not entirely sure what these people are looking for because it's not like we're good friends or anything... just random acquaintances from work.

Talking with Pam today she told me that I need to stop being mean. When I think about why I am mean to people I have to think that it's a result of defense mechanisms I've been building up for years. I really think that I'm going to have to work on this even more now. I don't want people to think that I'm mean.

Here's a Euro update. Nothing. I don't really know why this bothers me but it really does. I'm certainly not infatuated with this guy or anything but I am somewhat hurt that even though his mouth says he wants to get to know me his actions clearly show he doesn't. People like that arn't worth my time... so why am I bothered by this?