The stress I have been under for the past few days is just incredible. I'm having trouble sleeping, my muscles are tight, my skin is going to hell, and I feel anxious most of the time. The feeling of wanting to cry occurs frequently. All of this is directly related to work and the current environment in my store.

The fact that I am a Sales Manager for the first time in my life and of a poorly performing department that is supposed to see a 25% increase during my time there contributes greatly to my stress. The additional fact that I feel as though I was thrown to the wolves by my managers doesn't help. Things are getting a little better though and I have been receiving more direction from the store Executives in recent days. Today was mostly spent preparing for a store visit from one of the Regional Managers. Thing is that most of the time Sales Managers don't directly report to this Regional Manager but because of the special nature of my current position with the company the Store Executives decided that it would be good for me to present my poorly performing business to her tomorrow. The fact that I inherited this business only a week ago and have yet to completely understand what's going on in it doesn't seem to matter. The Executives feel that I can do it. I'm actually thrilled that they think I am capable but at the same time the stress level I am under is staggering. The expectation for excellent performance is both my own and that of the Executives and I don't want to let either down. Thank God for Vitamin B pills and their calming effect.

Mom called me tonight. All went reasonably well during our conversation until she asked me if I was praying about the situation at work. "We can't do it on our own you know!" When I answered with a grunt I immediately knew I was in for trouble. I received a couple minute lecture and then was told that she would be praying for me. I really don't know of anything worse that she could have said. Of course I realize she prays for me, and Sister, everyday and that is comforting but when she specifically tells me that I shouldn't turn my back on God and that she will pray for me it pierces my heart. How on earth do I tell her that I don't want to give a rats ass anymore. How do I tell her that the years I spent trying to be someone else were a waste and that they were the most unhappy of my life. She knows it... but does she? How can she possibly understand what I've gone through? I really don't believe she can.

I really don't want to consciously turn my back on God but there are aspects of my life that just don't mesh with the theology that I believe in. I cannot even accept myself and what I am so why would God. I know He's there and I believe that he is directing my life but I don't know for what purpose. By walking the road I am walking am I walking out of His direction or is He still directing me towards some ultimate place. Am I just a peon that doesn't matter, will I make a change in the world? Will I ever have the answers to these angonizing questions. Can I change my thinking to be more in line with cultural and religious norms? Do I want to? What does that look like? Could I be alone forever...

So tonight I go off to bed in a sad state of mind. How do I bring how I was raised and what I am together into one symbiotic place inside of me? What is good and valuable in each and what needs to be discarded. How do I go on?