Slaying Dragons

Why am I so afraid?  The more I find out about myself the more I recognize fear and doubt in my life.  I really do let fear control me more than anyone should.  What am I afraid of?  Much of the time I’m afraid of failing, looking stupid, not measuring up, taking a risk.  I hate this about myself and I really need to change it.  

Anytime I start or do something new I’m hit with such a crippling fear I invariably set myself up for a fall.  Over the years I think I’ve sub-consciously let this rule me in such a way that I’ve stopped taking risks or doing things that could ultimately benefit me because I’m so scared of the worst possible outcome.  Take it from me this is a horrible way to live.  Not only does it cause a lot of doors to close to you but it also stunts your emotional growth.  Fear and apathy are two of my worst enemies and I’m about to start slaying the dragon… now if only I could get someone to hold my hand while I do it things would be so much easier!

This Just In

This Just In!

I’m getting Fat!  Now to look at me most people would scoff at me for that statement.  But honestly it’s happening I’ve got this layer of fat that’s growing on my stomach and it’s making me crazy.  ARGH!

Oh God Im half drunk

Oh God I’m half drunk and I’m baby sitting my Mother’s dog.  I think he wants me to hold him but I’m not sure it could be a cleaver ruse to get my Michalina’s Bowl that I just made.  Fuck you Dog!

Yes, the adventures of god sitting have only just begun and I just took over caring for the little bastard.  I took him with me to The Barons house because I needed get my clothes and bathroom stuff.  After he thoroughly misbehaved we left with everything I had and needed.  Well The Baron called me later and said I see you were here.  Well yeah!  So you brought Benny with you?  Yeah how’d you know?  It seems that he left The Baron a little gift in front of the washer and dryer.  OMG I’m SO embarrassed.  Seriously I can’t believe the little bastard did that!  I’m so sorry.  Apparently it’s not a problem after all though.  

Speaking of not a problem after all though… Apparently it shouldn’t be a big deal if we have the New Years Party at the house after all.  Turns out that it was just a big mis-communication.  We’re gonna talk about it but I’m not sure if we’re gonna do it now after all.  Ya see the Beautiful Girl and I went out for coffee today and were talking about the whole thing.  She mentioned that before she broke up with previous bf she was (ok, it’s insane to me that bf doesn’t show up on spell checker on Word!?) going to go to Edmonton for Christmas.  Well I happened to mention that Raphael and Wifey had pseudo invited us for New Years.  Turns out she’s REALLY hot on the idea.  So instead of throwing our own party we may travel to Edmonton for New Years and make Raph and Wifey entertain us!  Yeah, totally new but I’m excited about the prospect.

Ah, What's the point?

Feeling rather down.  Reading an article in McLeans magazine yesterday on depression really got me thinking about the issue again for the first time in a long time.  Reading the experiences of these people was something that I really identified with.  It sucks but it’s an issue that I’ll just have to deal with.  I think the only way I can really and fully describe what I’m feeling / feel is just a sense of utter hopelessness.  I don’t want to think about Narcissus, because there’s no way I’ll ever get it off the ground / it’ll just ruin me if I do etc.  The future is just full of shit, taxes, payments, no escape from the rat race.  Finances are really weighing heavily on me at this point too, but I think that’s a result of the depression.  This time it’s stranger than times before though because I’m reasonably happy on the surface… the hopelessness just lurks in the background.  Where it always is…

Tired!

Being excessively tired makes it really hard to control my emotions.  Today I think I’ve run the full gamut.  From extreme happiness to utter despair, anger and apathy, it’s all been done.  In short this sucks but at least I know what’s going on.  As stupid as it may be it’s taken a long time to get to this point where I’ve figure this out.

God, what a day!

My day today started at 330AM.  I had to be at a job in Kelowna at 5 which necessitated the early start.  Overall I’m still doing fine and the only reason I’m not in bed right now is because I know that if I do go to bed super early it’ll totally throw my sleep schedule for the rest of the week right out the window.  So tired…

Ding Dong, the fries are gone.

Ding, Dong!  He’s FINALLY Gone!  Hallelujah.  The Brother-in-law is back on a bus to Calgary.  May God be with him… and those on the bus.

So today I thought that I was supposed to be in Trail.  Turns out that I’m not there until next week, oops!  I was actually scheduled for Revelstoke this morning and as luck would have it I didn’t start ‘till 9 so everything worked out really well as I was planning on being on the road to Trail by 7 anyway.  Just really confusing to try and figure out why you’re not going where you thought you were supposed to be going.

Feeling rather strange today actually, come to think of it the strange feeling started last night.  Feel rather like I used to when I was on the verge of emotionally crashing, but nowhere near the same extent.  Now I know that I can choose not to “go there” and let my emotions flay me alive.  Now I just need to figure out why I feel… off, and deal with it.

I hear that Wifey is back in the country and I’m anxiously awaiting a phone call to confirm… wondering why I haven’t received that call yet?  :P

Well I’m taking The Baron to a sports bar for supper because they honestly have the most amazing burgers in the city and that’s what he has a craving for tonight.  I for one have decided that it’s time to stop eating mass amounts of crap while on the road.  This is the first year that I’ve been working on the road that I’ve really just let everything go in terms of what I’ve been eating.  I’ve even been eating fries *gasp!* this last while.  This is something new for me as I’ve always made sure that I avoid them while I’m on the road in order to avoid a growing gut.  So it’s “Can I get a salad with that” from now on.  I’ve got to slow the growth of this gut or my Dad will be completely unable and utterly excused for telling me that I’m going to look like him soon if I don’t watch it.  (

Random Thoughts

I spent tonight with Ruth.  Yesterday I was feeling really badly about her leaving and I basically allowed myself to mourn her ‘passing’ but I’m totally over it now.  It’s weird actually because prior to learning that it’s completely normal for a person to feel sadness ect, when a friend leaves I would have just suppressed the feelings and probably got more and more angry at her for leaving.  Finally that anger would have caused me to completely lose all contact with her and cease to desire to have her around at all.

Tomorrow I’m going to be getting ready for a 10 day trip to Trail where I’ll be working at Teck Cominco.  I’m hoping that I’ll have internet access at my hotel, because hey it’s not Alberta, but you just never know.

For all you Vancouver people out there get ready for a visit!  I’ll be working out when I’ll be coming down tomorrow as well.  I’m going to be taking the new truck down for some more work on it and then flying home after hopefully spending a few days down there.  Not looking forward to the expense though.  

I bought my baby new booties today.  Just over $500 but apparently they’re awesome tires and I supposedly got a smoking deal on them.  Just looking at them you’d think I’d be able to climb walls with them so they should be great on ice and snow.

Getting really frustrated with the planning for New Years.  We were originally wanting to get a cabin at a ski hill but decided that getting people to commit would be to hard and we didn’t want to get stuck with a huge bill.  Then The Baron said we could have the party here at the house but some different friends said they for sure had a cabin at Big White booked.  Turns out later that they don’t now and unfortunately it seems The Baron has changed his plans and maybe having a get together or something here after all so, so far my party is homeless.  I’m quite frustrated about it because the whole point of working on this early is so that New Years won’t SUCK!  Now it has the potential to suck.  MUST FIGURE SOMETHING OUT!  Any ideas let me know!

Just so you all know I've found what I deem to possibly be the best blog on the web. Thourghly enjoyable Check it out!

The next Winter Blockbuster I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE! Narnia! Check it out.

Happy Harry Potter Day!

I just returned home from watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.  Just like the book it’s definitely the best movie so far.  Absolutely incredible computer animation and the editing is fantastic as well.  Even though, for obvious reasons, the story had a number of parts cut out of it, it flowed fantastically and you really didn’t miss a huge amount of things that they cut.  Two thumbs WAY up!

Ok, things with Ruth are good again. I'm uber sad that she is leaving and in a strange way I feel abandoned. Probably because I'm the only one here. There's just been way to much emotion going through my system this week. To much stuff for me to process and handle all at once. I hate the cyclical nature of life. You have a period of excellent time where everything goes right and your happy and such... and then the inevitable crash. I think the crashes are finally starting to shorten and seem to be much more infrequent but they're still there and hard to take. I'm going to bed.

Frustrated II

The Borsch was amazing.

I’m even more frustrated now.  The girl just called and asked me if I wanted to join her in Kelowna at the Just for Laughs festival as she’d come across some tickets.  I can’t because Ruth is here.  *grunt of frustration*

It's Borsch Night!

Just made two enormous pots of Borsch, as I invited my family over to The Baron’s place for supper.  Hope he doesn’t mind as I just called him and told him they were coming!  I kind of screwed up the recipe a bit but not enough that I think anyone will actually notice… at least I hope they won’t.  So tonight will be full of Borsch and The Baron’s self-proclaimed ‘World Famous Herb Bread’, which actually is really good.

Ruth is coming for dinner and she’s still acting strange.  I’m frustrated with her right now but just keep telling myself to enjoy her company while I still can.

Actually I seem to be frustrated in general right now.  Don’t know why but whatever.

OMG It's finally been confirmed!

Careful the Dance Floor's Slippery!

Wow, what a day already!  I woke up this morning at 515 (about 15 minutes earlier than I usually do) to download Confessions on a Dance Floor, the newest release from Madonna on iTunes, so I could listen to it in the truck this morning.  Well everything worked as it was supposed to and I happily burned to CD.  Then I got ready and went out to the car only to discover that it was snowing.

Long story short got up to the office and picked up my truck.  Driving through town was thinking ‘wow this is slippery’.  Got onto the highway and noticed people were driving way to fast for current road conditions.  Then as I was passing a Mustang, that obviously wasn’t ready for winter conditions, doing about 60kms/hr the driver lost control and HIT ME!  Yeah, go figure.  So I pulled over, to check damage and such, opened the door and promptly lost my footing because of the ice.  I ended up hanging off the door of the truck for a few seconds before I balanced.  The damage to my truck involved a scrape where about two inches of paint came off.  The Mustang however was not so fortunate as his bumper is going to have to be replaced.  So I decided it would be prudent to re-schedule this morning’s work and go home until people remember how to drive in snow.  It’s funny you’d think that it would be the big trucks that have problems driving in snow but it’s not.  It’s the jack-asses in passenger vehicles and pick-up trucks who think they’re great drivers who cause accidents.  Coming through town on the way back to the office this pickup truck in front of me was going so fast he was fish tailing all over the place when he stopped to turn I couldn’t resist and lowered my window and gave him the finger.  That’s when I noticed he was drinking coffee while he drove badly.  Unbelievable I know but true!

PS – Confessions on a dance floor is in my opinion one of Madonna’s best releases in years!

Breakthrough!

I’m writing this because I feel that it’s important for me to remember.

Last night I had a pretty major breakthrough that actually helped me understand everything that happened this weekend.  While talking to my counsellor on the phone I was telling him all the things that I had written down here the other night.  When I finished going through the three major events of the weekend he shared his thoughts.  What he pointed out was that each of the three events had something to do with personal value.  Explaining that a little further:

Brother-in-law – This situation actually had nothing to do with the Brother-in-law.  The reason I got so violently upset about this whole situation was not the person but rather the subject.  The poor guy accidentally touched on a subject that was causing / is causing me a lot of pain.  Upon exploring the issue further I why it was that church / Christians have caused me so much pain for so long, hindering my ability to forgive and move on.  I have always felt taken advantage of by the church because when I have been involved I have always worked extremely hard at whichever task has been given to me but I have always been doing these tasks for the wrong reasons.  Thinking that maybe if I do things for people they will notice my contribution and I would become a valued member of the congregation.  Because you can never buy your way into any social group with any sincerity this tactic obviously didn’t work.

Truck – Because I didn’t get the new truck I interpreted that as “You don’t matter to me (my Dad) or the company.  You don’t do a good enough job to deserve the new truck”  Again I didn’t feel valued.  Of course my interpretation was totally wrong and was in fact not intended to be a slight.  In fact in my Father’s usual dense ways he didn’t even realize this was an issue.

Ruth – By not informing me of her plans or thoughts before she made arrangement to leave I interpreted this as ‘I don’t value your friendship’.  This I hope is not the case and I suspect that it isn’t but that’s what got me going.

I have to say Counsellor really earned his pay this week.  Having his unbiased view of why these events threw me into such a tailspin was a saving grace.  Of course now that I fully understand the issue myself it makes so much sense as it affects me in so many ways.  Not having a personal sense of being ‘valuable’ as a person has really affected everything in my life.  Talk about contributing factor to low self-esteem and lack of confidence.  

To the Ones I Love,

This is an incredibly hard e-mail to write as quite honestly the message / situation is just awkward. As you know just over a year ago I came to you and told you that I was gay. During that time in my life I was going through a lot of mental and emotional unrest. Nothing made sense and I felt I didn’t fit anywhere. While in Vancouver I tried to live a lifestyle I thought that I was supposed to be a part of. Try as I did to convince myself that I was living the life I wanted to it just didn’t work. I couldn’t seem to quell the disquiet in my spirit or silence the nagging voice in my head that was telling me that this too wasn’t me.

Now after many months of personal reflection, soul searching and much emotional pain I have come to a conclusion. I am not gay (sometimes the simplest way of saying things is also the easiest). I have been working with a counsellor for many months now and by utilizing the tools he has given me I have been able to restructure many of my thought patterns and build better emotional boundaries.

In my situation the same sex attractions were symptoms of character deficiencies. Having identified and worked on a lot of these issues has caused the same sex attractions to subside. I can confidently say that I have moved closer to a sense of my own masculinity that I have never before been in touch with.

Finally I want to thank you and beg your continued indulgence. Thank you for bearing with me during this incredibly difficult time in my life and thank you for being a part of the catalyst for change. I know this may be hard for some of you to understand and that’s where I want to ask your indulgence. As I have learned so much about myself throughout this phase of life I would be happy to talk to you one on one if you have any questions.

Don’t worry, the KS you know now won’t be turning into something else. I’m tired of playing games and hiding behind masks, the sarcastic disinterested arrogant, pious religious fundamentalist, drunken partier, or whatever else I hid behind. As I grow to know myself I also sincerely hope to grow to know you in a deeper and better way.

This new chapter in my life is full of surprises and quite honestly a measure of fear but I don’t think anything that comes along is going to be any harder than this chapter that has finally closed.

I look forward to talk with you.

Peace… at last.

KS

I am just SO upset

I am just SO upset!  I haven’t felt this wound up for months now.  Tonight the previously mentioned Brother-in-law started asking me all these religious questions and basically told me that I was living my spiritual life all wrong.  Apparently he’d had a near death experience and since then God’s told him how he should live.  So my understanding of what God has told him is that he’s supposed to boss people around and tell them that they need to get involved with the church and to share their faith at every opportunity.  When I asked him if he’d taken the opportunity to share his faith today he tried to change the subject.  When I persisted he told me that God hadn’t pointed out an opportunity today, to which I replied that maybe waiting on God wasn’t the right thing to do maybe he was supposed to create opportunities!  Well he just changed the subject again and started talking about how God was using him to direct people towards Ministry opportunities where they would be used.  To which I really wanted to say “isn’t it wonderful that like many other Canadian public school teachers God has appointed you to be a delegater and task setter as opposed to someone who actually has to get their hands dirty in the undesirable tasks of witnessing and ministering to people!  If only I was so blessed.”  That’s what I really wanted to say.  Instead I held my tongue and swore at him in my mind.  Later The Baron commended me for my restraint but I don’t know how much more restraint I can show with this guy.  Even though staying with The Baron is temporary this is still my home at the moment and having this Ass come into my home and attacking me makes me incredibly angry.

The next thing that pissed me off is that after being promised the new truck for work for months now I have been told that someone else is going to have it till the end of this month!  I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY ABOUT THIS IT’S NOT EVEN RATIONAL!  I don’t know why but having the new truck means a lot to me.  It could be the fact that for the first two months of this job I was driving around in the oldest truck in the fleet and making due.  It could also be the fact that after all the shitty years of doing this job and NEVER getting the new truck I feel that it’s due to me this time.  Finally it could just be the fact that I was led on to believe that I would be getting it and there’s no FUCKING reason that they would give it to the employee they did give it to as she’s leaving the company at the end of the month anyway (I’m not mad at her in the slightest because she even called me today and asked why she still had the truck when she knew that I was supposed to be getting it and was looking forward to it)!  I’m SO angry about this I want to quit right now.  Unfortunately I have responsibilities that don’t allow that.  ARGH!  SO FRUSTERATED!

Ruth

Fuck!  I’m really feeling a great deal of frustration right now.  When I got home the other day from my trip I called Ruth, who is pretty much my only and best friend in Vernon, to find out that she’d disconnected her phone!  I was totally confused by this as we’d been text messaging the whole time that I was gone and she never once mentioned anything; coupled with the fact that up until the last I communicated with her she was supposed to start training to start working for my Dad’s company.  So I called her Aunt and asked her what was going on and her Aunt told me that Ruth was pretty anxious to go and had already changed her phone number to an Abbotsford number.  So apparently she’s moving to Abbotsford!  Anyway long story short she just called me and told me that while she was on her recent trip to California (where she used to live and work) that God spoke to her and told her that she was supposed to move on and apparently he told her to move to Abbotsford.

I am so angry and hurt that I just answered her questions with yes or no and listened.  I just can’t believe that she would make such an important decision and not tell me about it.  I mean we spent most of the summer together and hung out just about every night.

Knowing her I know not to take this personally as she’s done this type of thing before and I’ve lost contact with her and she always turns up eventually… this time though it feels like betrayal.  

Super Saturday

The Baron’s Sister and Brother-in-law are in town visiting.  While very nice people the Brother-in-law is slightly, shall we say, eccentric?  He’s a retired math teacher and keeps offering to help me brush up on my mathematical abilities!  No thanks.

Today has been a very expensive day.  I had the oil changed on the car and then decided that I should get some new windshield wipers too.  Turns out that windshield wipers are the same price as an oil change!  I couldn’t believe that and that’s even getting the super duper deal that my family gets on all vehicular maintenance and parts from our Ford dealer because Dad’s company does so much business with them.

I ordered The Baron’s Christmas present today!  I’m very excited about it because he’s going to absolutely LOVE it!  What I really can’t believe is how PACKED the malls are already.  For the past few weekends they’ve been absolutely insane.  In Calgary at Chinook it was actually difficult walking around in some of the stores because they were so busy.  I’m sorry people but Christmas just isn’t that big of a deal.  After last year of working for the majority of the holiday I’ve realized it’s much more important to spend time with friends and family than it is to spend a shit load of cash on people.  

I think I'm overtired. I even took sleeping pills and I'm still wide awake. So the logical thing to do is to write.

So I'm glad to be home. It's just so much easier to relax when your at home.

Ok, here's what's really on my mind. I made friends with a girl while we were all still in school. The girl and I get along famously and have often gone out together to the clubs dancing and such. Over this summer I really started to have some pretty strong feelings for her but of course kept them secret as she had a boyfriend who was a good friend of mine too. The last time that we went out together was in Penticton and the drive home was just the two of us and it was really nice and we talked and sang the whole way home. During that conversation she idely mentioned a few times that her boyfriend was really bothering her a lot. She didn't elaborate on it anymore than that and I didn't bother to dig because I figured it was really none of my business. Well upon arriving home tonight I gave her a call and after chatting a bit she told me that she and the boyfriend weren't together anymore! Wow. This whole time I was in Alberta I was fantisizing about the possibility of this happening and... now it has. So now there's a few things I've got to figure out / do.

First of all I need to communicate my non-gay status to her (which by the way is not surprising anyone I tell... I know I don't get it when I told people I was they wern't surprised, now I tell then I'm not and they're not surprised... whatever). Then I need to let her know of my considerable interest in her. Then I need to pray that it all comes together. I'm actually not really all that worried about that part of it now because hey there's no point in getting all ahead of myself. I'm looking forward to this Christmas season even more now because I'm hoping to stake out some kind of "territory" with her before some other guy moves in... but at the same time I don't want to be pushy. Fact is the two of us are going to co-host a New Years Party (somewhere, we're looking into the chance of getting a cabin at a ski hill but The Baron has already offered the house, which has been the site of some fantastic parties already this year) so there's a perfect opportunity.

The girl is amazing and is actually someone I'm willing and planning to go to great lengths to get. Ok. I'm done now.

That's what I'm thinking about tonight.

Last Night

Well tomorrow I head back over the mountains to home.  I’m so very happy to be going there.  I’ve had a good time in Alberta but it’s starting to wear thin.  I’ve invited myself over for dinner at my Calgary cousins, I’ve visited a lot of friends and relatives along the way but it’s got to end.  No more travelling thank you.  

I bought two new CD’s yesterday.  The new Kayne West, my first rap CD!  I have to say it’s an excellent CD and gets two thumbs up from me.  Hell it’s so good I almost feel black while listening to it…  The other CD is the new Rolling Stones – A Bigger Bang.  I’ve never been a fan of these old guys before but I find the music on this album fairly enjoyable.  I think that I’ll burn a copy for me to keep and give the original to my Dad as his car refuses to play burned CD’s.

Well I just had an excellent Turkey dinner at my cousins home and I’m having a glass of Little Penguin Shiraz which is making me sleepy.  So we’ll see you at home.

Three Hills

This is an excerpt from an e-mail I wrote to Matthew cause he can’t see the blog from his present location in China!

Hey ya'

Get this I'm sitting in the Wireless Steakhouse in Three Hills right now!  Go figure.  As if that isn't the strangest idea I've ever seen.  The two don't go together at all and honestly I don't give the place much of a chance but hey it 'served' my purpose for this morning.  It's -13 here right now but in true Prairie fashion it doesn't feel like it.  So I'm doing my requisite visiting through Three Hills.  I stayed with my Great Aunt last night and now I'm meeting some cousins for breakfast and then I'm off to visit with an old Missionary lady I knew when I was at Prairie.  It's weird being back here.  Even though I wasn't happy here I did have an awful lot of good times.  Ok, enough nostalgia.

I'm heading home on Thursday and I have to say I'm happy about it.  It is weird though because this trip has been really good.  I can't say I mind being on the road anymore.  Now that I've exercised my demons life is so much different.  Everyone is telling me how much I've changed and even I feel it.  The Baron tells me I just seem more comfortable in my own skin, my Parents tell me I'm not as caustic and mean, and others just can't seem to figure it out.  I have to say that I feel like I've lost something in a way as my humour sarcastic and mean as it used to be isn't there anymore in the same way.  It's actually hard to think of things to say to cut people down.  Maybe I'm just in a slump... although if I'm not I'm good with that.

Tofield

November 7, 2005

Well I had a good weekend in Calgary.  Unfortunately I didn’t realize that my first job this morning, in Tofield, was just out of Edmonton until yesterday.  So I drove up Highway 2 until the snow started to fall.  By the time I reached Leduc there was a thin layer of snow all over the highway that made it feel like I was driving on butter.  I slowed down to between 40 or 60 kms/hr but the fools around me didn’t.  I had one jack-ass fish tale in front of me twice before he finally pulled off the highway as I’m sure he only had summer tires on!  Now I’m in Tofeild listening to the CBC and the accident reports are crazy.  You’d think that living in Edmonton people would know how to drive in snow.  SLOW DOWN!

Because of this weekends antics I’ve decided to quit drinking.  Yesterdays hangover was just horrible and lasted until I went to bed last night.  Now don’t worry I’m still going to drink wine but anything else is done.  No more…

Travelling through Alberta has been rather interesting actually.  Listening to CBC and witnessing the hyper-growth economy in action here just blows me away.  It’s rather frustrating that in both Alberta and BC all you ever hear about is how there’s not enough workers to supply demand and yet I can’t seem to find a job that I actually want to do.  How does that work?  It really gives me incentive to keep working at looking to see if Narcissus will be a viable business.

I’M GOING HOME ON THURSDAY!  I’m very much looking forward to it as I’m pretty tired of travelling.  It’ll be nice to see my friends again.

So I'm in Calgary. Arrived after driving all day. My trip went: :Leduc, Wetaskiwin, Camrose, Wainwright, Provost, Calgary! I was so fucking mad at the clients in Provost. The bastards kept me waiting around for two and a half hours for no reason! If my truck was powered by anger I'd have made it to Calgary in no time.

Anyway I'm exhausted so just wanted to let you all know I'd found an internet connection. Would you believe there's one accessible from my Uncles house! Accessible from the basement no less. Makes me hate Edmonton even more!

Leduc II

November 2, 2005

I went to Edmonton last night (from Leduc where I’ve been staying this week) and had supper with Raphael’s brother.  Dinner at Earl’s was excellent and I had a fantastic time.  Really enjoyed the conversation with him after spending the summer with him we’d become much better friends and I’m quite glad about it now.  

Tomorrow is my last night in Leduc and then I head to Calgary for the weekend.  I’m looking forward to staying with Uncle Frank and seeing all the cousins down there.  Also looking forward to seeing my friend who used to be from Penticton and who we’ve been partying with so much there this summer.

Leduc

October 30, 2005

Ok, I’m starting to feel a little bit crazy.  Last night I was sitting watching TV on my own and it just hit me that I was tired, lonely and frustrated.  As decent as this trip has been I’m looking forward to it being done now more than ever.  Kind of stupid as it’s going to be this last leg of the trip that’s going to involve more friends and people that I haven’t seen in a long time.  Don’t get me wrong I’m looking forward to seeing them but even though I’ve been able to stay with relatives I’m ready to go home.  Weird actually as once I’m home I’m sure I’ll be tired of being there.  Am I the only one who has this stunted form of wanderlust?  I love travelling and going to different cities and when I’m home I want to leave but when I’ve left I want to go home.

Spent yesterday working on the feasibility study for Narcissus I ended up spending way more time defining who my customers were than I originally thought I would.  Working through this feasibility study keeps bringing up doubts I wasn’t expecting but so far nothing has popped up and told me it won’t work.  I’m still waiting for that.

As I contemplate going into business for myself I know more and more that it’s the right thing for me to do.  I’m just so disinterested in doing anything else.  Anything I can actually see myself doing I don’t seem to be qualified for and anything that I’m qualified for I can’t seem to get because of the competition.  Although to be fair I haven’t even bothered trying to get anything in the recent past.

Today I’m going to visit a friend from Prairie who’s living in Wetaskskiwin.  Looking at the lives of some of my friends I’m frankly relieved that I don’t have his life.  Married and has a child, living with the in-laws and being supported by his wife as he stays home with the kid.  Ugh just not what I’d want although I’m thrilled that he seems very happy about it.  Either way I’m looking forward to visiting with him as we were really close.

Edmonton II

October 26, 2005

I am super frustrated tonight.  Not only is the only hotel in Acheson (the industrial park where I start work tomorrow at 515AM full but I haven’t been able to check my e-mail since Saturday!  It’s making me crazy!

Other than those two irritants, things here are fine.  I am really tired though.  I hate 12 hour days.

This weekend I’m going to start cobbling together a feasibility study for my store… which I think I’ve decided to name Narcissus!  The Baron and I were discussing store related issues before I left and that name popped out of the conversation.  So from now on I’ll refer to the store as Narcissus.  I was reading over my Entrepreneurship text from school today and it indicates that a feasibility study is the first step.  I’m glad I started reading that book because I knew that a Business Plan wasn’t the first step but I couldn’t remember what was.  Now I know.

  

Edmonton

Let it be known that I am officially annoyed with the backwards, red-neck Province of Alberta.  I don’t get it.  Have they not heard of wireless internet here yet?  Frankly I’m not surprised.  I’ve noticed this before while travelling in Alberta.  It seems that things come slower here than BC.  Things I take for granted in BC (i.e.- reasonably good coffee or wireless internet) seem to take a while to catch on here.  Now I’m not saying there isn’t any wireless internet connections, it just seems that most hotels here haven’t figured out there is a demand for it.  Hell we were in Grand Forks a couple of weeks ago and they had wireless internet at Johnny’s Motel.  If Johnny’s has wireless why doesn’t The Yellowhead?  I can only assume that if I come back here in a year or so they will have it.

I have seen hell today.  It took the form of the largest Mall in North America… and me with $0.  Seriously I was so depressed I had to get out of there fast.  This no money thing is sucking I tell you.  I think I had more money when I was a student, as a student though I wasn’t driving a great car though…  Last night I stayed at my Aunts home in Leduc so I finally got a good night sleep.  Today was a really slack day with just one job but tomorrow will be a little bit busier.  

Talked to my Dad last night and my new truck is ready!  They’re going to Vancouver to pick it up this week.  I’m very excited that I’m going to have my own truck from now on.  Shuffling between trucks is a such a pain in the ass because you constantly have to get things the way you want them and then you get changed to another truck again.  So getting home to that will be pretty nice.

Slave Lake III

October 24, 2005

I’m finally leaving Slave Lake.  Not a moment to soon either as far as I’m concerned.  I woke up feeling pretty crappy today but still better than I felt yesterday which was just unreal.  Rarely do I get headaches like I had all day yesterday, it was so bad my stomach was even upset.  So of course I tried everything in terms of drugs that I carry with me but to no avail.  Next was a cup of coffee and wouldn’t you know it the headache subsided greatly.  Now the problem was that I was up till about 1130, which didn’t make me all that happy as I was exhausted.   This whole week I’ve looked like crap because of the terrible quality of sleep I’ve been getting.  Even using the substantial amount of skin care products that I lug around with me everywhere hasn’t helped to subside the dark circles and puffiness under my eyes (although it does sooth them).  Yes, I’m a certifiable mess, it’s only Monday and already I’m longing for the weekend.

Today marks the first day of the second week of my trip.  Only three more weeks to go and even though this week had a few hitches (mostly sleep related) overall everything has gone superbly.  No major problems or anything to complain about.  I’m almost sorry about that.

It’s been months now since I’ve seen my counsellor.  I did talk to him on the phone about 4 weeks ago but as for actually being in his office it’s been a while.  I’m looking forward to the opportunity but I really feel fine even though I haven’t seen him for such a long time.  I really feel that’s a significant milestone.  That and the fact that I don’t freak out as much anymore on the way I think things are ‘supposed’ to be.  Rather I’m generally pretty content to let things ride.  The old Popeye adage “I am who I am” is actually starting to make sense to me but more importantly it’s starting to mean something.

Slave Lake II

October 23, 2005

I am so ready to get the hell out of this town.  Now yesterday when I was writing about how much I enjoyed this place please don’t confuse the town with the lake itself.  Slave Lake, the body of water, is amazing.  Misrepresenting itself as a small ocean (from certain vantage points) with beautiful white sandy beaches the lake itself is about the last thing that you’d expect to find in Northern Alberta.  The town… well the town is fairly typical of what you’d expect to find in Northern Alberta.  I believe the liquor store to person ratio is likely extraordinarily high.  

Hardly to my surprise yesterday’s Edmonton Sun ran the “shocking” cover story that Alberta led the nation in mental illness and depression numbers among citizens.  Apparently the oil patch has something to do with it.  I’m shocked!  The working conditions are dismal, the jobs generally terrible and the only reason most people do them is for the obscene amounts of money to be made.  The sad fact is that the oil patch probably extracts an equal amount of life, or the will to live, out of its workers as it does crude.  As an uninformed visitor looking around these towns and hearing about the substance and alcohol abuses I’m not surprised.  Usually I would be the last person to encourage more social spending on community support but here I think the cry for these resources is actually justified.  The majority of the guys working up here are here to make tons of money and leave.  What I don’t understand is how they figure they are going to be able to escape from the lifestyle the oil patch allows them to afford.  Sadly many of them don’t seem to be able to make that break of reaching the ‘magic bank balance’ and then quitting to pursue whatever it was they originally wanted to do.  For many of the young men that move here in pursuit of that dream they don’t have any social network and few if any friends.  No wonder depression is a leading killer in Alberta.

I’ve spent the great majority of the last two days in my hotel room and as nice as it is I tire of it too.  I’m really looking forward to staying with my Great Aunt in Leduc tomorrow night.  This much alone time isn’t all that much fun.

I rented four DVD’s yesterday and how finished watching them all now.  Last night I watched the first four episodes of Desperate Housewives which I enjoyed immensely.  After the Housewives I watched Nicole Kidman in The Interpreter which was a surprisingly good movie.  Not at all what I expected it to be a definite recommend.  Today I watched Mulholland Dr. which I thought would be a great movie but turned out to be one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen in my life.  The only reason I rented it was because every time I go into a movie store I always notice it and think that it maybe good.  So I finally rented it.  BIG MISTAKE!  After that I watched The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Galaxy, which I know I vowed I would never watch.  In spite of myself and a killer headache I found myself enjoying.  It was quite loosely based on the book so I can’t fault them for screwing up what I view as one of the best books ever written.

Tonight I am going to pack my things up and try to go to bed early.  I’m hoping that the headache will go away with some rest.  Tomorrow looks to be a very long day.  Week 1 of 4 down.  Only 3 more to go.

Slave Lake

October 22, 2005

Wow the past couple of days have been excessively busy.  I’ve been here in Slave Lake since Tuesday and it’s been non-stop until now.  Even this morning (Saturday) I had to go to the Pulp Mill for two hours at 6AM!  So now I’m sitting in my fantastic hotel room on the shores of incredible Slave Lake looking out the window considering the things I should / could do today.  There are the usual chores, washing the truck and cleaning it out, laundry, and mailing off the completed work to the office.  But right now I’m pretty much content to just sit here.  I do really wish that I had internet access though as that would help to dull the monotony.

Quite honestly Slave Lake has turned out to be the biggest surprise of a long time.  The last time I was here was about 5 years ago.  At that point this place was a dismal little dump.  The first clue I got that things may have changed was when I called from High Prairie the other day and tried to get a hotel room.  Every room in town was booked!  At this point I kind of got a little worried because I needed to stay here.  I called the office and told them to find me a room as I wasn’t having any success.  Thankfully they found the place I’m staying in on the internet.  I can’t even describe how much I like this place aside from saying that I would happily live here… well maybe a few months a year.  Yeah, I think I’ll trade in the car and buy myself a big ass Ford F-250 King Ranch 4X4.  Then I’ll go get an obscenely high paying job on the pipeline… yes that’s exactly what I’ll do.

So back to reality.  I’m looking forward to hitting Edmonton on Tuesday.  It’s a shame that all of the people I used to know in Edmonton no longer live there.  I do have to make a stop at The King’s University though to drop off some things for friends of The Baron’s.  I suppose I’ll also see Raphael’s brother while there.

I’ve really been missing Vancouver lately.  I’m not sure if it’s just because things in life are getting so predictable and I’m longing to shake things up a little or if it’s cause I just really want to go shopping?  Possibly a little of both.  

The more I think about starting my business the scarier it gets.  There are so many things that I never learned in business school.  Mostly things like how do I figure out how to get the suppliers I need on board, how do I open a retail store with absolutely zero money of my own, etc.  So right now because I happen to have ample time for reading I’ve been re-reading my Retailing text book from school (which is proving to scare me more with talk about population density equations and retail failure rates) but I’m finding that it’s not really all that much help cause I already know everything it’s trying to tell me.  Seems I didn’t miss very much from that class.  I’ve decided what I need is a mentor.  Someone who has been successful in retailing and would be willing to help would be excellent.  I know one person in Vancouver who used to own 10 Club Monaco’s when the chain was just new and who’s a real retailing diva but I’m going to have to track her down again.  I don’t think that’ll be hard.

Wow, a bald eagle just soared past my window.  I really wish my stupid camera phone was able to take a picture that adequately portrayed how beautiful it is here.  I’ve tried numerous times to get it to work but it just can’t get the immensity of the lake.

I suppose it’s time to go and wash the truck.

Grande Prairie

October 17, 2005

Few words can describe Grand Prairie better than ‘eeeeewwwwww!’.  Because of the oil boom in this Province the city is booming like there’s no tomorrow.  It’s amazing.  I arrived in town late this evening after driving for 11 hours to get here.  Looking at the hotels on the strip I was dismayed to see No Vacancy on every single one as far as the eye could see.  So I just walked into one and asked the lady at the desk to find me a hotel.  She probably called 7 before she got one that had 1 room left.  I high-tailed it over to the place to get the room before someone else did.  Just because I’m grateful that I have a room I’m not going to pass judgement on this place at all… aside from saying that I’ve stayed in cleaner accommodations at logging camps 12 hour drives into the bush!

The drive today was long but I’m driving one of the new trucks which is quite, comfortable and has a CD player.  Thank God for small mercies.  It also has a V10 engine which made the hills almost effortless.  While most of the drive was pretty the 4 dead moose that I saw laying on the side of the road quickly sobered my driving.  Not a pretty sight.

Tomorrow I’m heading up to Slave Lake where I will spend the rest of the week and… possibly the weekend.  My Mom has cousins there, where doesn’t she, but I’m not sure if I really want to get in touch with them.  The last time I was in Slave I did and it was a slightly disturbing experience.  I guess I probably will call them because I do have to spend the weekend there but I’m quite terrified that they’ll insist I go to church with them.  They’re extreme Pentecostal and I don’t think they’ll look lightly on my personal rule while travelling.  Never attend a church with Calvary, Living, or Freedom in the name.  I’ve had a few to many strange experiences with those types of churches.

Finally a story that I forgot to mention the other night.  While The Baron was making supper for Sister and I, I happily pointed out the fact that a deer was eating a part of one of his trees in the front yard.  I was happy to point this out because I know how irritated The Baron gets about this.  In a sudden flurry The Baron was out of the kitchen, still holding the really large knife he was cutting veggies with, and racing after the deer pelting it with small stones and yelling!  Truly one of the most magnificent displays I’ve ever seen from him.  Sister and I were laughing heartily when he came back in the house still brandishing his knife menacingly and muttering about pesky deer eating everything.