Something has happened to me. I'm happy. Really content. Why? Wow, wouldn't I like to know. I think that it's because I've slowly started to fill up my schedule again. Being busy just makes me happy. To much busy stresses me out though and I really need to learn how to balance. I ended up getting asked to work two extra shifts this week at X company. I was really happy about that. Instead of sitting in my apartment doing nothing I had something to do this weekend. I had a purpose. That purpose was to sign people up for Instant Credit. I seem to have hit a gold mine of people who need credit this week. Signed up 5 people in the past two days.

Laying in bed the other night I had the strangest experience. For some reason I felt as though some higher power (not necessarily God) was asking me what I was going to pursue. What was I going to make my life's focus. Immediately I thought it's going to be power and wealth. I'm going to pursue these things like no one has ever pursued it before. Then I thought about this more and it seemed to be the wrong decision.

Was I really that close to sacrificing personal relationships, family, friends, physical and emotional health all for the pursuit of earthly success? Sad to say at that point I almost said yes. In a sense I compare the experience to that of Jesus when the Devil offered him all the kingdoms of the earth on the Temple roof. Of course my experience was nowhere near as intense as all that but the basic principle seemed the same.

Nearing the end of school I really feel that I am at a personal cross-roads. Now of course I'm sure everyone has felt that way but I only really care about me. What am I going to dedicate my life to? What will be my legacy? If I died tomorrow what would I be remembered for? My volunteer work, my education, my various jobs, how I affected people, what?

In reality I think the question may be how do I want to be remembered? What do I want my legacy to be? If I figure this out I'm pretty sure that I will have a much happier life.

Present Mood - contemplative.
Present Music - The Best of Sade

Friday night. At home. Really tired. Going to a couple of film festival films tomorrow morning and then going to work. I love working.

Well I went swimming. I thought my heart was going to stop a couple of times. I used to be able to go for two hours straight when I was in peak form. Tonight I had trouble doing 250m. I have decided that I am going to work at getting back in shape starting March 1st. My reasoning for this is that I really don't have anything else to do, my back has been increasingly worse lately and I know that exercise will help it, and I just figure that I may as well for cosmetic purposes (as vain as that sounds).

Things have been relatively calm again. Thankfully my medication seems to be keeping things on an even keel emotionally and my next counseling appointment is in another week. I'm curious to see if I have an experience like I did after my last appointment or if that was just a total flash in the pan.

Anyways feeling pretty good and I'm going to bed. G'night!

I'm going swimming.

The Passion is an excellent movie. I was really expecting it to be a terribly mediocre attempted Christian emotion twister... but it's certainly not. The whole thing gets two thumbs way up from me.

In other news Exam this afternoon went well. It's done. I'm done. Going to bed.

Oh just remembered that I'm going home for Steak tomorrow! Yay, steak. Then I'm going to watch The Passion Of Christ or whatever it's called with my friend R. Thursday is going to be spent doing nothing I believe.

Wow what a day. Started with class first thing this morning. Finally handed in the damned paper. I have to admit that I did a terrible job on it but the teachers an old Grandpa like guy and I'm one of the few people that talk in his class so he loves me. That and he's the easiest marker in the entire world. No word of a lie, he actually sent an e-mail to the class that he would be taking off 1% for every day this stupid paper was late to a maximum of 7% before he would not accept it. Gee there's incentive to hand things in on time.

In other news my room-mate has not been seen or heard from for a number of days. He left Saturday and still has not returned. Can't really say that I miss him!

Spent a couple of hours at X company today. Didn't leave early or anything strange today. The manager I told I would stay didn't even mention the fact that I bailed on her, she just had me continue doing the job that I left. What a nice lady.

I fully realized that I only have 6 weeks left of school. Oh man, that is so insane. I truly want to go on a vacation for a while once school is over. I don't really know where (aside from Holland, which is just too damned expensive) but I am also thinking about hot places. Cuba sounds cool!

Well I think that I'm going to read for a bit then hit the hay. Yes that's what I'm going to do.

G'night!

Had a really good visit with Dad. I ended up telling him that I had started counseling and surprisingly he was quite pleased that I had taken the initiative to get things sorted out. The rest of the visit was quite predictable. We chatted about cars, how much further ahead I was than most people my age (in terms of finding a career and finishing school etc.), and about my friends R and M. We had a good laugh at how M is likely going to end up living with The Answer Man again this year. Poor man didn't know what he was getting himself into when he agreed to let M stay the first time :)

Tomorrow is looking to be busy and not entirely pleasant. I have office hours from 10-4 and then I'm contemplating not going to my evening class. The Prof did say that if we were ever not able to make it just to send him an e-mail ahead of time and he would be fine with that. We'll see tomorrow.

Paper about 80% complete in case anyone is wondering.

Last night was interesting. After I posted my last message here I think I had a minor breakdown. I actually called my parents and cried. Everything just seems to be too much to handle. What worries me is that if I can't handle things now when I'm only moderately busy with school, work, and other obligations what's going to happen when I'm actually facing real pressures in the work world.

My Dad actually told me that he thinks I need a vacation and told me that I should "go mooch off Mark for a while" in Taiwan or go on a cruise once schools out. Of course I would love to do that but $$$? So anyways I'm going to look into the possibility of going to visit R and S in Holland in May once school is done and just before work starts. I'm not really sure how I'll pull this off but we'll see. I found out that I'll be making significant coin if I get hired with X company so I'm not really going to worry about where I get the cash, it'll happen.

So my Dad is coming down to have supper with me tonight. I'm looking forward to visiting with him. Hopefully it'll help me to calm down a little.

I have been thinking about what happened Wednesday night. Seeing as I have never even been drunk before what the hell was going on in my head that caused me to do what I did? The following is not an excuse but more a possible rational as to why I did what I did. Wednesday was a fairly intense day. Starting off with my small group meeting, which touched on areas of 'growing together as a family' which I personally don't enjoy and really find discomforting...

Karla just called have to go.

Ok, I'm back... About 9 hours later.

So anyways the small group while interesting was rather uncomfortable and a tough way to start the day. Then I went to a meeting with my Strategic Management group from school. We were discussing the upcoming mid-term which I really do not feel prepared for. So after that I went to my counseling appointment, as previously mentioned, which was pretty good but also tough. After that it was home to wait until the interview. The interview while not what I expected at all stressed me out a lot. So these are the reasons that I give for my inane behavior the other night.

My strange behavior has continued though. Today I went to work and everything was fine but for some reason I walked out early... I don't know why but I honestly just thought that it was time to go. So I left. I got home looked at the clock, realized that it was only just 3:30, the time I was supposed to have left! OMG. It was right then that it hit me that I had also promised to stay a half-hour later and help one of the other managers with something. I'm going to get fired. No I'm sure they won't fire me, they just love me too much, but what does that do to my credibility?

So then I was home and working on my bloody paper when I realized it was 5:30 and I was supposed to meet P for supper before we went to church. So I finally got to the restaurant 15 mins late and found she had already eaten. I don't blame her of course but I feel terrible.

So we went to church and it was a pretty decent service. Of course the Pastor had to be talking about Spiritual Maturity though and after the week I've had I had a tough time with it. P seemed to enjoy it though and told me that she would like to come next week. Seems I may have a convert, how did this happen.

One more thing about church tonight, it was full of FUCKING Mennonites. Yes, the very ones that contributed to making my life hell in Vernon. Seems they destroyed their own church and have decided to commute to my church. I'm so happy, here's the reason why... Of course I feel guilty about thinking that way about them though. I can understand they would want to go to a church as well but why, why, why, did they have to choose mine? God why do you keep enabling these people to torture me?

So bored. Trying to work on paper. Not working. Paper very, very, very slowly gaining shape. Wish I did not have to write it. No choice. grr. Internet = Procrastination yay!

What a useless day. I'm sick and because of last night I didn't get much sleep. Woke up at 4 in the morning and literally stared at the ceiling for two hours before I had to get up at 8. I cannot seem to get motivated to finish assignments. I'm tired.

Today is absolutely lovely. The sun is shining, I'm sure the birds are doing what they do, and I'm feeling pretty darn good. All in all life is decent. I really need to get some work done today, that really seems to have been my mantra this week, as due dates are really sneaking up on me. Yikes!

I'm having lunch with my Pastor today. Unfortunately after yesterday and my counseling appointment I really don't have much to say to him. I'm sure he'll be fabulously zealous about something or other...

Now to work!

Why can't anyone give me some fucking answers?!

First of all I'm drunk. Very much drunk. I went to my interview and it went fine. Strange thing was the interviewer didn't seem to know what the hell he was supposed to be interviewing me about. He mentioned that I was the same personality as he was and that he was doing fine. Then he mentioned that his daughter had just graduated from Queens with a law degree. Then he told me that I could ask him any questions I could think about as long as they were not about the program that I was applying for because he didn't know anything about it. So I peppered him with questions about X company and what it's strategic position and plan were for the next number of years. How is the company going to get my generation as customers. He didn't know. Interesting. As far as I'm concerned I go the job. Then I decided that I was going to stop and buy a bottle of wine on the way home. It's almost gone!

My first counseling appointment went really well. I just finished a full bottle of wine on my own... so anyways my appointment went really well. He told me that he was amazed that I was still in the church at all and that I was actually looking for help from the church at all. He told me that I was sponge. Apparently my understanding is that I soak up all the emotions of those around me and don't have any outlet for them, so they slowly eat away at me and happily work at destroying me. Not surprising. FUCK EVERYONE!

What a strange day. Woke up feeling not to hot and continued feeling that way until a couple of hours ago. Now I'm feeling really good. Of course it's now bedtime.

So today I went to ICBC and got them to check out my car, to make sure there wasn't any hidden damage from the rear-ending the other day. Well it's actually a good thing that I did because there was around $800 worth of damage to my bumper and ICBC is going to re-imburse me for my chiropractor visit. Yay! So far my ICBC experiences have been pleasant. I hope that they'll continue in that direction.

Tonight I went for coffee with a person I had never gone for coffee with before. It was really strange in a sense. I was comfortable with him and he seemed to be with me but conversation never really got off the ground. Well see what becomes of this friendship.

Tomorrow is looking to be a very busy day. It starts off with a meeting with my small group from Church. Next I go to a meeting for school. Then off to my first counseling appointment, which will be interesting as I'm not completely sure what I'm looking for there. Then from that stop I head to the second interview for X company. I really hope that it goes well. I'm trying not to stress about it. Then after that I really need to start on a report that is due next week. Have not gotten nearly as much done as I had hoped so far this reading break.

Well last night was just one of the most fun that I've had in months. Way to many Martinis. The interesting thing about me and martinis is that their effect seems to be rather limited. Very strange. Well anyways decided that before we went out to the club for F's cousins going away party last night that we would make martinis at home. Well after about 4 or 5 each we hopped into a cab and went to the club. Arriving at the club more martinis were ordered and the salsa lessons began. I watched MK and F learn how to Salsa and then because F wasn't having much luck with the concept I joined MK and we danced the night away. A glass of wine and a few martinis later we finally left the club and decided to go to a martini bar for a drink... don't ask. So we did that and then decided to walk back to the apartment and make pizza and you'll never guess, more martinis. Needless to say we had a fab time.

Poor MK was definitely feeling it this morning while I was bouncing up and down excited about the prospect of lunch at the Greek Deli! Yay Greek food. So lunch was fantastic (amazing Spinach pie and Greek salad). Today has been rather subdued though overall.

Last night before the martinis started to flow I got a call from my manager at X company. She told me that my second interview with the regional manager would be held this Wednesday. Way faster than I thought it would be. I hope it goes as well as the last one. After being here again I really hope that there is a prospect of getting stationed here in Vancouver. I just love being here.

Well tonight may involve more dancing, Indian food, and Ice Wine! Whee I may never go home!

Having a fantastic time in Vancouver. MK and F are going out of their way and bending over beyond backwards to make me feel comfortable. They are just two of the best friends you could have. I wish they would stop argueing with me whenever I want to pay for anything.

So far we have spent time on the sea wall, eaten at the famous Anton's, today we 'did' Robson and tonight we're going to a going away party for F's cousin. Not entirely sure what we're doing tomorrow but I believe it'll involve Minerva's the best Greek Deli in the city. Then Sunday Seattle here we come.

Time for martinis!

Am I clinging to an institution and way of thought that is dead to me? Just spent a couple of hours talking at the coffee shop with S. Was telling her about the cell group meeting that I went to this morning and I how I was extremely uncomfortable. I couldn't figure out what it was that was so upsetting but then I realized that I was getting flashbacks from a similar group that I had been in. Don't want to relive that experience again...

Do I need to go for sensitivity training? I think that it may be a valuable tool. If only to learn how better to manipulate people *joke*. Anyways last night was tons of fun and extremely expensive. Took Grandma out for dinner as her birthday present and the evening went really well. The restaurant was perfect - no noise or anything else that old people don't like - and the food was excellent.

Now the expensive part. On my way home my car died. Excellent! Turns out I needed a new fuel pump (cha-ching!). Thankfully I'm a BCAA member so I got the bloody thing towed to a garage three blocks from my house and left it there. Well just got a call saying that the job was done. I appreciate the incredible speed with which the job was done but hope that I didn't get ripped off. Really didn't have a choice in the matter. Now I am currently on the look out for a mechanic in town so that I'll be able to take future problems to a 'friend' instead of dropping it off at a random gas station.

Feeling a little tired this morning. Realized that I didn't have any milk for my cereal which meant that I made an early morning trip to Safeways. Don't think I've ever had as much time on my hands as I have this semester. Don't have enough to keep me constantly busy. Don't really know if I care. Wish I could work more though.

Ararat was an amazing movie. I really loved how Atom Egoyan directed it. Two thumbs up from me.

I am so sick of feeling like an outsider. What is it with me. Maybe I'm just picking the wrong people to talk to. In the past two weeks at church I have gone up and initiated conversations with people that I don't know and have been completely amazed that they say "hi" followed up with "I'm going to go talk to a friend over there!" I absolutely cannot believe it. To say I was stunned would almost be putting it mildly. Actually in retrospect I'm pretty sure that's it's the people at church's issue as opposed to mine. At the coffee shop, that I frequent, today I had a fantastic conversation with a sociology major I had not previously known for oh about 2 hours. Take that you snobby church bastards.

The stuff the Dr. gave me finally kicked in and the headache is finally gone. I've been doing just lovely the past couple of days. Right now I'm feeling pretty tired though, which always brings me down a couple of levels. My friend P is coming over and we're going to watch Adam Egoyan's Ararat. I hope that it lives up to all the hype. I have no idea what it's about so I hope that it's good.

farewell cruel cyber-world. Until the dawn!

Current Music - Loreena McKennitt, the book of secrets

Ah Friday. Can't say that I'm wild about Friday. It's the night of the week that I find the most depressing. I usually want to go out and do something but there's rarely anyone to do anything with. Yuck. Oh well I've made some calls and hopefully will get some responses. I'd kind of like to go and see Cold Mountain. Looks like it'll be a great movie.

Anyways very uneventful day so far. Worked for most of the day and now have no plans. I think I'll go grab a coffee at the BS.

Feeling better every day. I wish the headache would go away though. It's still here and hanging around.

The room mate has been gone for the past couple of days and won't be home till Sunday or Monday. We don't spend time together or anything but I actually miss him when he's gone. Just his presence helps keep me calm.

Anyways I have too much time on my hands. I went down and paid my speeding ticket this morning. Then I went and bought my bus ticket. Credit Cards are literally smoking. Yeow. Don't care though. Tomorrow I'm going to go down to the Rec Center and look into getting a pass. I'm feeling like I'm not taking very good care of myself. I'm going to start running again I think. I loved it when I was doing it but now that I don't have a tread-mill at home it's so much harder to do (have to run on the tread b/c it's low impact).

Well I have to go and move some laundry around and then I'm going to watch Will & Grace.

Went to the Dr. again today because things were not feeling 100%. Things are still not feeling 100%. Hopefully they will be by tomorrow. Have not been able to get the motivation up to do anything for the past few days. Going to bed hopefully I'll actually sleep.

Oh I just remembered. One of my teachers, the infamous Stan, recommended me to the Chair of the English Department (a close personal friend) to be the student representative on the hiring committee for the English department. Interesting, I think yes. I don't think that he knew I was the student rep for the hiring committee this summer as well and also looked at his resume and offered my thoughts before he was hired. So that was a pretty big compliment I think. Funny how these things happen!

Why is it that my parents can get such a rise out of me. Just finished talking with my Dad on the phone and we were having a decent conversation. Then out of nowhere he makes comments that just instantly make me mad. It's like he doesn't seem to realize that I'm not a stupid teenager anymore and that I'm capable of thinking for myself. It's interesting to note that many people have the same issues. I just cannot wait to move the hell away from here.

Well X company got back to me already. The head of Training and Development sent me an e-mail this afternoon with an attachment for a personality test. I did the personality test and it told me exactly what I already knew but now I'm kinda scared. I don't think that I have any real reason to be but its just kinda scary that a test like that can tell you so much about yourself and that it tells others about you. Seems I can come across as extremely demanding and not all that nice when things aren't going the way that I think they should be. What a stunner. Glad I took that test. Anyways I just like to stress myself out by thinking that now that the company knows that about me they aren't going to be interested anymore. We shall see.

In other news I found a ride down to visit MK! Yay! I am so extremely thrilled about this. So going down with a class-mate and going to come home on the bus. I'm just so happy about going. I need to get away from this stupid Valley.

Tired. So tired. Will be having a nap this afternoon. So far this week has proved to be relatively uneventful. Oh hold on. Last night my car slid into the gate at our apartment. Just bent a couple of the bars a little. And scraped the paint off the front end of my vehicle. I'm anticipating a huge ruckus from the horrid old people that live in this building but if I hear much about it I'll ask them why the Strata's caretaker didn't salt the bloody driveway. Had the ice not been there my car would not have slid into the gate etc. Then I'll scream some more about how I could have slipped and fell getting out of the car to open the gate and tell them about my back condition and tell them that I would be thrilled to sue the Strata. What are they really gonna do? So anyways that's it for now. Time for lunch.

Just came home from dinner with the Answer Man. Had a fantastic visit. Work went well. Was congratulated a couple times by people who had "heard about the interview". How do these people hear about this stuff? Manager came and told me that she was excited that someone from our store was going into the program. Gosh I hope that I get in now.

Good night!