Well I'm done work for the day. Finally an early day. Now if I could just convince the dark circles under my eyes to disappear things would be lovely.

I feel that I should be out doing something. Looking around, seeing what's UP in 'the loops'. Either way I need to get out of this hotel room cause I don't think it's good to just sit here and brood.

Dial up Sucks! Thank God I have it though!

So two things of note happened today. I passed five vintage Rolls-Royce Motorcars on the Trans-Canada highway in Chase B.C.. And a lady brought her pet goat to her appointment! Yes a pygmy goat. It was cute but still strange.

I just started reading The 17 Secrets to success by... some guy. Well the first few pages said that in order to be successful you need to have a love, passion, deep seated interest, etc. Basically a goal or something that you want and desire to become a world expert in. I agree because if you are going to be good at something and if I'm going to do a job for the rest of my life I want it to be something I love. Now I just have to figure out what that is.

Thinking things over last night I realized that my frustration with my seeming disinterest in finding a new job (and yet desperately wanting one) is very much a result of two things. The first and most important is that I have been focusing so much on my mental health lately that I haven't been able to do anything more. In essence I'm coasting in most other areas of life until I order my mental issues properly. This makes perfect sense but it is very frustrating. Frustrating in the sense that I've been used to working a number of jobs and going to school and having constant stimulation for so long that now that I am unable to do this it's bewildering. The second aspect is that I really don't know what I want to do and trying to focus on something that you can't even figure out is tough. The fact that aspect one cancels out aspect two just adds to the confusion.

Discussing some of this with my Dad last night I gave myself a deadline of December. I'm quitting this job come December.

Reading last years entry on here for today's date proves yet again how quickly things can change in a year. How quickly I have changed and how much. The Baron mentioned to me just this week that I am completely changed even since arriving on his doorstep in July. I feel different and things are starting to make a lot more sense. I always want it to move faster though. I believe my counselor would tell me to "stop and enjoy the moment." I'm doing what I can to enjoy that but...

I am REALLY looking forward to Saturday. I'm going to Quail's Gate Winery for a wine festival luncheon with Tim and Lisa. We decided that we are going to do two wine festival events for the Fall festival instead of going to our usual Fall Festival Grand Tasting. So this is event one and event two is looking to be some kind of Murder Mystery evening sponsored by one of the other local wineries. I really with I had someone to go with... Sometimes singleness does very much suck.

From Kamloops, good night.

Wow the days have been long lately. Unfortunately they've been starting at 5AM and lasting quite a long time. I think I have narrowed down part of what I dislike so much about this job. The complete lack of the ability to have a social life. It totally sucks!

I'm tired and kind of pissed off at my Dad tonight. He always seems to make me feel like an idiot when I mention things about work. Obviously the company is important to him but the fact that I'm one of his highest producers should stop him from jumping on my back when I mention anything about how a job went slow etc.

I'm back home. Very happy to be here. As I think you can tell from reading the past week everything was fine until Thursday. I just crashed. Even today I'm still exhausted. I had a short nap this afternoon and plan on sleeping as late as I can tomorrow.

I have been plesantly surprised lately with the number of e-mails from different people from the coast who have been wondering how things are going. I did make a lot of good friends down there. Even though the experience of working for HBC was horrific I still stand by the fact that there are a lot of good people working for the company. Unfortunately there are and equal number of truly evil, untalented people within the corporation as well. Ok, I'm blabbing now, off to bed.

What if this is all there is to life. What if I've reached my peak. Maybe I'm condemned to riding around in a truck doing a shitty job that I hate for the rest of my life. It's Friday night and I'm sitting in a hotel room in Williams Lake. I hate my life.

Being pulled in two different directions. Two different worlds. Calling me. One I don't fit in anymore, nor do I want to, yet I long for it. The other, foreign, scary, a place where I don't fit... yet. Yet that place is my goal. That is where I want to be. The process of getting there may just end up killing me. Laying in bed last night I desperately wanted to cease to exist. Why can't it be that easy?

Why is it that Starbucks stubbournly refuses to use chocolate in their mochas? I suppose the argument would be then it wouldn't be mocha. My argument is that they would taste much better and they would likely sell more. For some reason though today I got a craving for a SB mocha and had a Grande once work was complete.

Still in PG, anxiously awaiting episode deux of The O.C. which airs tonight. Seriously can't wait! And no this isn't a product of being stuck in PG I really love living vicariously through the characters on The O.C. . Am I a little to old for it... probably. Shouldn't I be smarter than to be sucked into a common soap opera... absolutely. But OMG I love Julie Cooper. The woman is so DELICIOUSLY EVIL I just LOVE to hate her. I wonder what dastardly deeds she's going to carry out tonight. Self-preservation at it's best, that's Julie Cooper!

Schedule has changed now so I'm looking forward to going home tomorrow. Not sure if I'm going to drive all the way home tomorrow or if I'm going to stay the night in Quesnel. It'll all depend on how tired I am tomorrow after work.

Well I decided today that fall has officially come to the North. This picture was taken at a rest stop approximately 80 kms out of Prince George on my way there from McBride. I was hoping that the fall colours from the trees would show up better but this will have to do. Driving along Highway 16 today offered many stunning fall views. There seemed to be a lot of deciduous trees mixed in with the conifers and the mixture was simply gorgeous and stereotypically Canadian. Trees as far as the eye can see.

McBride I do want to add is a ridiculously small isolated town in the middle of nowhere. Check it out on a map and I'm sure that you'll agree it's truly in the middle of nowhere. Last night at a restaurant I witnessed a very sad attempt at cross cultural communication. The table of German tourists were having a hell of a time communicating to the waitress. Mostly cause the waitress kept talking to them like they were 3. I was so embarrassed. Oh well what can you expect.

Currently in Prince George and some things have pleasantly surprised me. There is a lot of growth going on in the city. Lots of new buildings and businesses are going up. The majority of the people I've seen are still as fashioned challenged as ever though. On a quick walk to Starbucks (mercifully it's still in the same place) I witnessed everything from capri pants with white socks pulled up to hair scrunchys! Oh well what can be expected, change comes slowly to the North.

Seems that I've lost that 'I'm just desperate to sleep gimme a room with a bed look' look. Upon walking into the hotel in Clearwater tonight the lady at the front desk took one look at me and said, I'm completely full except for one room and you don't want it! Hmm, ok. Can I see the room? So she gave me the key and I took a look at the room which was completely acceptable (come to think of it this isn't a surprise as she also told me that their wireless internet didn't work, but as you can see it works perfectly well). God knows I've stayed in worse. Puzzeling over this I looked into the mirror when I walked into the room and figured it out. My clothes screamed CITY. Good thing I brought my work clothes to wear for the rest of the trip wouldn't want to be discouraged from other hotels to. Actually the other factor is that people in small towns stare at you if your wearing anything half-decent that isn't flannel.

I hate it when people ask me what I'm going to do after I've finished working for my Dad. Seriously if I knew believe me I'd be doing it, or working towards doing it. I really don't know. I guess it's not really so much that I don't know what I'd like to do but I have no idea how I'm supposed to get into doing what I want to do. I suppose that I should use some of the time that I have now to be researching this stuff in order to get a better idea but honestly I just don't care. In the past few weeks I've noticed that I am in a period of apathy with just about everything. I'm almost at the point of calling myself lazy. I don't want to read any books, I'm not interested in starting any new projects, even meeting up with people just seems like to much effort. I wish I could get out of this stuck feeling frame of mind.

Tomorrow I start out on a 1 to 2 week trip through Northern BC. I start in Clearwater, Vavenby, McBride, Prince George, Quesnel & Williams Lake. These are just the highlights worth mentioning. There are plenty of other hick towns I'll be blasting through. I have to spend some time at my parents house tomorrow in order to dig out some of my fall / winter clothes as they're already talking about snow levels in the daily forcasts. I'm not really sure how I feel about this trip. I know that I'm likely going to be a complete mess because of the truly horrible hours that I'll be working. All week I'll be working more than 12 hours a day. Not a prospect I'm looking forward to.

I bought The Killers 'Hot Fuss' CD today. It's not usually a genre that I would typically listen to but I'm loving it. This guys are awesome musicians. In fact there's a lot of awesome Brit music out there right now that's worthy of a booty shakin.

A friend of mine from Vancouver asked me if I would move to Lake Louise with her and work at a resort. Now this prospect in itself isn't all that exciting but I have been thinking a lot again about doing some travelling. It seems that all of the people around me are doing it and as I feel totally stuck anyway and really don't have anything worldly to speak of it may not be a bad idea.

I had the drivers seat on my car replaced today because the leather was cracking like crazy (and as I'm not three hundered pounds and the car is new there is NO reason it should be doing that) so the guys replaced it with a new seat but they fucked up the install so bad I'm furious about it. I could have put it on better myself! So the car is going back again next week while I'm gone so it can be re-done properly.

Finally I went to the Vernon Vipers game tonight. What a boring exercise that was. The stupid Vipers were playing the Prince George Spruce Kings (or Poplar Queens, depending on who your talking to), they took 65 shots on goal and only got 1 goal! The other team only took 21 shots on goal and still managed to score the first goal of the game. The game went into double overtime and still neither team managed to score. The game ended 1-1 and man was I bored. Come to think of it did you hear about the hockey game in the leper colony? There was a face off in the corner! Ugh, sorry for that just couldn't resist.

I'm starting to notice a pattern with the anger. It seems to happen when I'm hungry and have worked for more than 8 hours. Today I had a 12 hour day and the anger bubbled to the surface around the 9th hour. I was hungry, wanted to go home, and tired. I was FURIOUS at just about anything and everyone. Most of the anger centered on my Dad though. My messed up logic was blaming the situation on him because he owns the company so naturally it's HIS fault that the day sucked. I really have to figure out a way to deal with this in a good way, it'll be to long of a year otherwise.

Wow how exciting... I've been comment spammed!

I'm pissed. Irrational anger is coursing though my being. Irrational only in that I want to be positively mean to people tonight. I'm holding myself back though. I think it's just cause I'm tired. I worked a 12.5 hour day today. Specific things that are making me angry are:

1. My truck is the oldest in the fleet and is having transmission issues. I have been promised the brand new truck as soon as it arrives but it's still in Vancouver waiting to be built. My understanding is that it could be months. Now I've driven my current truck before and I suppose overall it's not a bad truck it just urks me to NO end that it doesn't have a CD player, it has a tendency to throw heat inside the cab all the time and even having the windows wide open doesn't seem to help. The aformentioned transmission problem means that backing up has to be done as SLOW as possible because if you go to fast the damned thing starts bucking like a mad bull.

2. It was 30 degrees today and I was testing at a location at which I had to leave my backdoor open all day for hours at a time so it was hot.

3. A co-worker pissed me off. We were supposed to meet up to exchange some work but he made me drive all the way across town to him to get it.

4. I forgot my toiletries at home, including razor, shampoo, facial cleanser, etc.

5. I just am.

What is with this. Overall the day went fine. I just sat in the back of the truck and watched The Sopranoes on my Computer all day. Really I shouldn't be acting this way. Lately anxiety has been making me crazy.

So I'm in Kamloops. Work has officially started and here I am. Already I'm thrilled that I have my laptop. My usual hotel just got wireless internet last week which is just amazing timing I think. That and tomorrow I'm going to have to sit in a parking lot waiting for clients for 6 or more hours. Does this bother me, well a little, but at least I have my laptop with it's DVD player and I rented some movies from Blockbuster before I left so I'm good with the whole sitting around for hours issue.

Last night Tim and Lisa came to my parents house for an 'End of Summer BBQ Celebration'. This summer truly was a good one and we wanted to send it out on a good note. I opened a bottle of French wine that Raphael had brought for me, last time he was home from Holland, and it was fantastic. Very dry and yet full. Went excellently with the steak. We also sampled a bottle of Sumac Ridge Gwerstrameiner Ice Wine, their first year doing it, and it was excellent. A good time was had by all and it truely was a good way to end a fantastic summer.

So I'm in Kamloops. Work has officially started and here I am. Already I'm thrilled that I have my laptop. My usual hotel just got wireless internet last week which is just amazing timing I think. That and tomorrow I'm going to have to sit in a parking lot waiting for clients for 6 or more hours. Does this bother me, well a little, but at least I have my laptop with it's DVD player and I rented some movies from Blockbuster before I left so I'm good with the whole sitting around for hours issue.

Last night Tim and Lisa came to my parents house for an 'End of Summer BBQ Celebration'. This summer truly was a good one and we wanted to send it out on a good note. I opened a bottle of French wine that Raphael had brought for me, last time he was home from Holland, and it was fantastic. Very dry and yet full. Went excellently with the steak. We also sampled a bottle of Sumac Ridge Gwerstrameiner Ice Wine, their first year doing it, and it was excellent. A good time was had by all and it truely was a good way to end a fantastic summer.

Ok, I may be foolish but I signed up at freeiPods.com. According to a whole bunch of media outlets (AOL, CNN, MSNBC, Wired, etc.) they are legit. So c'mon and help me get a free iPod by clicking this link!

Here it is, my first post using my NEW laptop! I'm very pleased with it. It's an Acer with a 15.4" screen. It's got all the usual desired bells and whistles so now I'm just spending a little time getting the settings to where I want them and learning Windows XP. Sometime today I'm going to go and buy it a nice case and a mouse as I despise laptop touch pads.

The long weekend began with a Staff BBQ at my parents house last night. Tonight should see me in Penticton visiting a friend. Then Sunday is going to be a day of rest. Monday Lisa and Tim are going to come to my parents house for dinner.

As is typical on Labour Day the weather is gloomy and rainy. Personally I think it's God's way of showing displeasure with Unions!

Have a good day.

I'm back from Vancouver. The time in class was deathly boring but my after hours events were not so boring. I managed to lock myself out of my friends house the first night. I, along with thousands of others, was evacuated from Metro Town Mall in Burnaby when a suspicious package showed up in a Telus store. This involved me arriving at the mall just in time to end up trapped in the parkade with previously mentioned thousands of others & their cars for over an hour trying to escape. And the traffic lights on the Lougheed Highway didn't work the next morning on my way to school. Not bad for four days.

I saw my counsellor while I was down there and it was awesome. A really good visit where I feel as though I possibly made some break-thru's. Realizing that my life seems to be on a different path from others helps. Keeping this in perspective helps me not to feel like a loser because I'm living with my best friends Dad and don't really have a place of my own to speak of. Or that working for my Dad isn't a mark of failure. Both are just a means to an ends.

Sorry for the absence. On Wednesday night my ancient computer running Windows 98 had a melt-down. Frankly I'm a little peeved because I had a lot of music on that thing as well as my personal files. Oh well c'est la vie. I'm currently waiting for delivery of my brand spanking' new Acer Laptop! Yep, I decided to go portable because of all the traveling that I'm going to be doing in the next couple of months. That'll mean that I can post updates from just about anywhere... And I'm sure that I will.

I picked The Baron up at the airport last night. He's looking fantastic, which is reasonable after biking half-way across the country. Very trim and tanned. We celebrated his return and the fact that the house was still standing with a bottle of Lake Breeze 'Delice' dessert wine & fudge.

I'm mentally gearing up for my trip to Vancouver tomorrow. I'll be there for four fun filled (I wish) days of Audiometrics training. The only thing I've been told by the boss is that I had better not fall asleep in class as the instructor seems to have it out for people from our company again.

The mental preparedness that I have to do has more to do with my emotional outlook on being in the city again. It was reasonably tough on me to have to leave the city and all my friends there in the first place so going back will have it's challenges. I've changed SO much since I left there it's not even funny. My outlook on life is much better & I'm having far fewer emotional struggles. I am looking forward to the day when I'm emotionally whole and won't be facing the homosexual issues that I have been as much. To anyone out there reading this that deals with the same things I have been, there is hope. Never give up hope.

It's funny how psychology works. At one point your floating along feeling as though life is grand and the next your so beaten down and weak it's almost unbearable. Well that happened to me last night. I have been delving into my past lately and some of the things that I have found have been apalling. Now I'm feeling a mixture of different feelings. Mainly hurt, anger & humiliation. The hurt and anger are mostly directed at my parents because of their inability to have seen how things were affecting me and my young life. The humiliation is mostly felt because of the way that my Uncles treated me growing up. Sadly when I talk to my parents about this they, while of course upset, tell me that it was their intention, by having me spend time with my Uncles, to get the male influence in my life from them that my Father was unable to give because of his constant travelling. It's really a travesty that all of this backfired and the best of intentions ended up causing me a lifetime of hell. Now I'm just trying to hold it all together. Tonight I hate my family. Tomorrow I think will be different.

Well I'm back. I got to spend two days and three nights in wonderful Revelstoke B.C.. Actually the only complaint I have about those two days is that they were really boring. One of the days I walked to town from my hotel three times, just cause I was so sick of sitting in my room. Problem with that was once you've walked to town once and seen everything there really isn't all that much more to do. I actually found myself in the real-estate office where I was completely stunned, no I would say that I was agahst at the price of re-estate there. Since so many of my friends seem to be buying homes right now I've been finding myself watching the price of real-estate. I've completely given up hope that I'll ever be able to buy a home in the Okanagan but thought... well maybe a nice little town like Revelstoke would be a good place to live. Much to my eternal disappointment I can't afford a house in Revelstoke! I could possibly afford a trailer... but seriously.

Yesterday I lived the Okanagan dream, laying around sunbathing on a private dock on Okanagan lake with three beautiful women. Sometimes life is just good.

My Mother's Birthday was this week but because of various schedule conflicts within the family we're celebrating it tonight. I for one am looking forward to an awesome meal tonight.

Well I stayed up WAY to late last night so I'm slightly tired now and feeling like I could be quite irritable later if I don't watch it. I think I'll go get ready for the day then go lay down again for a while.

YAY! I solved the MSN Messanger Problem all by my little old self... well actually I googled it and a Geek Forum gave me the answer. Thank God for some Geek named Japstar! I think I love him... er, her... whatever.

Oops, I'm back. Totally forgot that I would be home again tonight and then leave for two more nights tomorrow morning. Worked 9.5 hours today, fortunately it was a good day and all of the construction guys that I was testing were plesant and organized. A real rarity for construction sites. Most of the time when I pull up with the truck to a construction site the guys are absolute jerks cause "I don wanna get my hearing tested" (said in a really whiney tone of voice that is not at all becoming of a construction worker. Come to think of it I come across very few people who actually want to get their hearing tested. Personally I don't see what the big deal is. Your getting 15 minutes off of your crummy labour job to go sit in an air conditioned box with some head phones on to listen for a tone and press a button. It only happens once a year! So anyway as I'm sure you can see when it does happen that people are civil about the whole process it makes my day that much better.

Today for truck reading I worked my way through half of Augustines Confessions I happened to come across it on The Barons bookshelf and decided that it was high time I read it. I'm actually pleasantly surprised at how much I can relate with this African Catholic Bishop from 39? A.C.E. Seems that many of the struggles he went through in his early life are somewhat parallel to some of the struggles that I'm dealing with.

When I returned from Kamloops tonight I was just crazed with a feeling of loneliness. I knew that going home to a hot empty house wasn't a good idea so I called my Grandma and went for dry ribs at Sir Winston's a local pub. It definetely helped.

My God Damned MSN Messanger has been refusing to work for the past few days here at home. It keeps popping up with 'Sorry, we were unable to sign you into MSN Messanger at this time. Please try again later. 80072efd'! What the fuck! If anyone reading this knows what 80072efd is PLEASE TELL ME IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY!

Going out of town for work. Not sure what the internet situation will be but I'm going to look into mobile blogging!

Will write Saturday.

I don't think The Barons house has ever seen a party like it did last night!

Overall the wine festival weekend was a roaring success (although there were a number of Diva moments that were really quite tiresome)! Friday was a wonderful day of touring a few wineries, then returning to the house to have dinner. After indulging in a little to much wine, and forcing Raph's younger brother to put on a fashion show of his new clothes (to Rupaul's Supermodel) we went dancing at the club. By the time we fell into bed somewhere around 3 that morning it was almost guaranteed that the 800 departure time we had planned for wasn't going to happen.

Surprisingly, even though Sister did her damnedest to stall us, we were only an hour behind schedule for the day. Tim and Suzy were collected in Kelowna and we set off with two cars. I decided to ride with Tim and Suzy because all the Diva tension in the other car was just way more than I could bear (that and their A/C actually worked). By 300 everyone had, had enough of wine tasting so we headed back in the direction of home. Tim, Suzy and I decided that we were going to go to the beach, while the rest of the tour went to sleep off hangovers from the night before, for a while and they took me to this fantastic beach I'd never been to before. The water was absolutely amazing.

Returning to the house Suzy and I immediately set about preparing the rest of the food. Blessed girl that she is she already had all of the meat prepared. Everyone was stunned at how amazing this meal was. We had beef skewers, chicken skewers, prawn skewers, veggie skewers, greek salad & a tossed green salad with Marcies famed house dressing. To finish off we had two types of tiramisu. I completely lost count of the number of wine bottles that were littering the house. I do know that every wine bought that day was consumed. After cleaning up and visiting for a while a few of us went to the bar. Not surprisingly Sister, Sister's best friend, Suzy and I were the only ones who actually stayed at the bar as Marcie and Jade decided that two nights in a row was a little bit much.

Suzy and I had the most fun I've had in a bar in a VERY long time. The events are as follows:

• Three times we were approached by random strangers who told us we were "the cutest couple".
  
• We ran into a classmate from school who was trying to figure out what the hell the two of us were doing at the bar together without Tim.
  
• I bitched a random girl out for being a bitch when I asked her if we could sit at her table because our feet were tired. After I told her off she apologized and we ended up chatting for a while.
• Random girl dances up to us and yells 'You two aren't from around here are you!?" At this we couldn't help but lie, we told her we were from Montreal, as we were sure the truth that I'm from Vernon and Suzy's from Winfield would have been very disappointing.
• We flattered a female bar tender so well that all of our drinks for the rest of the night cost $6 (not each) each time we went up.
• Our dancing attracted a lot of attention, could have been the low dips :P
  

The whole time at the bar was a smashing success... it probably doesn't hurt that Suzy's a stunning 6' natural blond who was wearing 6" heels.

This morning the Vancouver people left rather early and Tim, Suzy and I lounged around and ate various breakfast foods and left overs from last night.

When I get some copies of the pictures from the day I'll consider posting them here.

To Tim and Suzy,

Thank you SO much for ensuring this weekend was a success!

Love,

KS

IT'S WINE TOUR DAY! Full update in a few days.

Lord has today been boring. I'm glad that Jade is on her way here to help liven it up! It's gonna be a good weekend.

Today Dad and I went out and bought me a raquet ball raquet and a set of three balls. Well after practicing for a while we tried to play for a bit. Immediately I was completely dis-heartened as my athletic ability really shone through. I sucked. Now of course I was expecting to not be amazing but it was really frusterating and disheartening to do so poorly. It was really a major blow to my esteem. I'm sure that I'll get over it eventually but it still hurt.

Having realized that my bathing suit is nowhere to be found I decided that it was time to go and buy myself a new swim suit. Well I'll tell you that finding a swim suit at what I thought was a reasonable price was comepletely impossible in Vernon during the middle of swim suit season. So instead of doing the rational thing and buying a regular ugly suit I went and spent more money than I think I ever have on a single item of clothing on a brand spankin new pair of Billabong board shorts. Now the price was simply outrageous but I have to say they are very cool. They're brown with an orange and teal plaid pattern running through them with teal and white accents going up the legs and crossing the back. Now I'm just going to have to get over my better judgement that's telling me to take them back to the store.

Feeling really drained tonight. I really need to go to bed early as well so that I am ready for the Vancouver invation starting tomorrow.

Well the Okanagan is on fire again. I wonder if this will affect the price of wine next year from Osooyoos wineries?

Been a slow couple of days over here. Just working and doing nothing important. Just got home from watching Bewitched the movie. Consider this a warning - it's terrible. Some movies should not be re-made and this movie was one of them!

Went for coffee tonight with one of my friends from my parents church. He was very concerned about my spiritual well being. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I was explaining to him how I'm taking some time off from religion right now because I have to find my own identity. He launched into a somewhat misguided attemept to explain to me that it's only once we have taken on the identity of Christ that we can truly know ourselves. Sure... Thanks. I think I've even preached that sermon at one point in the past myself. The conversation was enough to make me really look forward to getting smashed drunk this weekend. Can't wait.

Another excellent weekend. I had Tim and Lisa over for supper last night and I found a receipy for an incredible gourmet burger (wow I just figured out how to use that link feature properly!) and paired it with baked beans. Yes, it was about 38C out and I decided to bake beans, I may be an idiot. Either way we had a fantastic meal and a great visit. We made plans for our wine tour this coming weekend and judging from the planning it's going to be an AMAZING time.

Today I went to a car show with my Dad, which was fun.

Bit of an interesting

Risk (the game) is better drunk. I wish I knew that for sure though as I didn't even get buzzed tonight when Janet and her little brother came over to play. Sadly even though we got the little brother drunk and then cheated like crazy he still beat us. Tragic really. Now I'm sitting here in the hot basement listening to little Raph play the guitar and watching bugs bounce off my computer screen.

Testing the new look.

Wow am I tired. Yesterday's drive really kind of wiped me out more than I thought that it would. I think the extreme heat of the day yesterday caused the drive to be more exhausting, even though I have a/c in the car. This morning I woke rather early but stayed in bed for quite a while. It's really a good thing that I don't have an actual job. When I got into the car this morning it was almost hard to see through the wind sheild as it was caked with bug remains. I arrived at the office after stopping to wash the bugs off the car.

After doing a little bit of work I called my friend the Professor and asked if he would give me some pointers on my golf game. Of course he was happy to help so I went up to visit at 1. Arriving at his place I commented on the insanely large house that was built next door to his. Asking who in hell was going to be moving into the house he said no one. Apparently this 6 bedroom monstrosity is a German couple's 5th home. They will be using it as a ski chalet of sorts for their friends when they come to visit. The Professor figures it's worth approximately $800,000! I suppose if you MUST have a 5th home it may as well be decent...

After chatting about the house we went to the back yard and worked on my swing. I'm happy to say that I think I've got it down again. If I actually put the time and effort into it I think I could be a really decent golfer.

Even though the majority of the day today was good I was really feeling an emotional turmoil, the residual effects of yesterdays counseling session, that was quite uncomfortable. It really didn't help that my Mom called from her place of work and asked me to pick her up because my Uncles and Grandmother were being total ass holes to her. I'm really starting to despise some of the dynamics of my family. Thank God my parents have been looking into our family dynamics and our relationships with each other. I have to say they have been amazing lately in their evidence of personal change. I really applaud them for walking out into a very uncomfortable place and working on it. If only it were as easy with members of the extended family. It's sad when you have feelings of hate towards members of your extended family for the way they treat your Mother.

Personally I'm trying to learn how to be alone. After this weekend, which was super spectacular, when everyone left and KS was on his own again I freaked out. I didn't know what to do with myself. When everything else is gone and I'm on my own, who am I there with? What is my identity? I think I've asked this question before but here it is again... How does one find themselves?

I used to think that I had a really good idea of who I was but in the past year I've found that I was totally wrong about that. I liken my search for my identity again to opening Pandora's Box. Once I opened that damned box thinking that I would find a neatly woven tapestry that was to be my identity (gay) I had the nasty surprise of finding out that it was filled with hundreds of little winged pixies (leave the obvious joke alone please) each holding a thread of the tapestry that makes up me.

Each of those threads is of vital importance to who I am and the damned pixies won't stay still so I can grab them. So I feel as though I'm running around a room (yes, I had the sense to open the box in an enclosed room... Clever huh) vainly trying to grab threads of identity out of the air as the damned pixies dangle them in front of me. Some of the pixies are slower than others so I've managed to grab a number of threads and I've got them safely in a bag but the number is far to few to even start to think about starting to weave. I think the thing with pixies though is that eventually they get tired and they do have to rest. Once they're resting I'll be able to more easily pin the little bastards down and see what I've got to work with.

One final story for the night. I met a guy in a chat room who I've been getting to know (no it's nothing like that!) and we talked on the phone last night for the first time. Well in the course of the conversation he mentions that he works at Starbucks. Well because I'm a total Starbucks whore I knew immediately which store he worked at as I'd never seen him at the two that I frequent the most.

Of course if I was a total stalker freak I'd have rushed out at the very first chance to see who this person was. Well I'm not like that, intentionally anyway... After picking my mother up at work she said that she needed to go to the bank. As this was not unreasonable and I was hankering for a Frappuchino anyway I said sure. Immediately upon walking into Starbucks I realized my mistake! As luck would have it he happend to be working! We locked eyes and immediately knew who each other were. I just about turned to stone because I'm now thinking 'OMG he's going to think I'm stalking him! With my MOTHER!'. I didn't really know what to do so I just kept my sunglasses on to avoid eye contact and made my Mom go and order the drinks while I hung around at the back of the store. Those were the most stressful moments I've ever spent in a Starbucks. Later when he sent me a text message asking how my frappuchino was I just had to laugh. So thankfully he doesn't think I'm a total freak (I think). Ok, story's over.

If you got this far in this post congratulations I don't know if I would have. Have a Great Night / Day wherever you may be.

Mood: Slightly overwhelmed by emotions.
Music: Random MP3's

Back from a whirl wind day trip to Vancouver for a counselling appointment. Glad I went.

width="238" height="196" alt="Sophia Petrillo" border="1" />
target="_blank">Which Golden Girl Are You?

This just in : Blaze + Leather Seats = One Very Unsteady Little Dog!

Merciful God, thank you for the light cloud covering. I don't know if I could have handled another 30+ day.

Plans for today...? Not a clue. Most likely will involve Jade, other than that I dunno.

Gas to Penticton: $30. Bottle of Vodka: $23. Cover for the club: $10. Drinks: $30. Falling in the lake fully clothed at 330 in the morning: Priceless.

So this is what a hang over feels like... ugh. Last night was awesome. We all had such a blast in Penticton we've decided we just may do it again next year.

Jade and I spent many hours on her family's boat yesterday on Kal and Woods lake. The weather here is so hot it's just insane. I actually managed to even out my farmer tan which was kind of nice as I was day glow white up to this point. So after we went on the boat we went up to her parents house where they fed us some awesome food.

As soon as supper was over we got ourselves ready and hit the road for Penticton. Sadly on the way down I was stopped for speeding... but because I was so nice he reduced the fine from excessive to just plain ol regular speeding. Happily this was the sole low point to the evening.

We got to Penticton and the gong show began. We went and visited friends, made new friends, went dancing at the Blue Mule, cruised around town in my car with the stereo cranked, went swimming at 330 in the morning, went to bed at around 5 and woke up at 9. So I'm actually not sure if I'm suffering from a hang over or from lack of sleep. I think it's actually more the sleep thing.

When I got home I had a sleep in the basement and I ordered pizza for supper. Now I'm going to watch a Bollywood/Hollywood and go to bed really early.

Oh and I think I may have found a place to live come September. After much thought I figured that I may as well just get a place in Vernon. My original intention was that I would live in Kelowna but as I'm going to be on the road a lot there's no real reason to be in Kelowna. My friends down there all have lives and I'd rather not organize my life around the potential chance that I'll be hanging around with them when I can still do that and just drive down to see them if I want to. That and the fact that rent in Vernon is SO much cheaper helped the decision. The place that I may goto is a one bedroom upstairs suite downtown for $475 including all utilities & full cable! If it's acceptable once I've seen it I'd be silly not to take it.

Had a great day today! Again it was stupid hot and it's still really hot probably close to 18 right now at 1020PM. Today I went with my Dad to the raquet court and he taught me the finer points of racquet (sp?) ball. I have to say that after my first lesson I really enjoyed it and am looking forward to playing some more.

Tonight we went to the CASCAR races at the Vernon Sun Valley Speed way. Watched some really cool, 450hp cars rip around the track 100 time in less than 40 mins. It was awesome.

Now I'm sitting here in a really hot house with a very lonely medium sized border collie drinking a glass of wine and contemplating tomorrows escapades. As previously mentioned Jade is in town so we're going to spend all day boating with her parents then we're packing up and heading to Penticton for the evening where we're gonna party it up with some friends of mine. Thankfully we'll be staying at one of my friends homes overnight so we can stay out as long as we want.

One frusterating event of the day was when I called the E.I. office and asked them what the hell was going on with my claim. It's been about four weeks since I filed it and still no money. Now as you can imagine things are getting a little bit desperate around here at the moment and that's not good. Well it turns out that they screwed up ("we're so sorry!") and I'll possibly get my money in another 3 weeks! By which time of course I'll have been working again. Fucking Government institution! Other than that though a throughoughly enjoyable day.

All the sitting around I'm doing is making me fat! Better stop eating so much dessert :(

The past two days have been hot. Really hot. The house is almost unbearable even though I make sure to open doors and windowns every night and morning. It's just to hot to keep up. Everywhere is hot though so there's really nothing to be done about the situation. Good thing I like Okanagan Summer heat.

Tonight we did what we always do... watched a movie. I love watching movies in the summer. Tonight we watched Mighty Aprodite, a throughouly watchable movie. I enjoyed it but I have to say that I would much rather have gone to the beach. It seems that the people I'm around now don't enjoy going to the beach! How frusterating.

Tomorrow marks the beginning of the long weekend. I'm supposed to be going to the car races with my Dad tomorrow night. Then Saturday plans are to go to Penticton with Jade and party it up with the Penticton people. I really hope the weekend is decent.

There really isn't all that much to report since Saturday's post. The weekend with Marcie, Frank, Tim and Lisa was fantastic. One of the best spontaneous weekends I've ever had. Sunday was my Dad's birthday party but I was so tired that I left at 7. This was fine though as the party consisted of a number of his friends so I didn't think it was a big deal to leave.

I think because of Saturday's events I was completely worn down and Sunday was the inevitable crash. So I've been recovering for the past few days. Tonight I had my parents over for supper, which was nice as it was kind of an interesting experience entertaining them for a change.

This weekend Jade has informed me that I'm going to be REALLY busy as she's coming down again for the long weekend. Apparently we're going boating and dancing and a number of other activities that she's got planned. Should be fun.

I've really been struggeling with myself the past couple of days. I think, as usual, it's a result of being overly tired but its been tough to maintain a realistic perspective on things. All things considered it's been a good summer so far.

Well today was a smashing sucess. Tim and Suzy just left which shows that Marcie and Frank got along with them well. We had a fanstastic day of drinking wine, eating cheese and going to the beach. The only kink was when Janet called and invited herself along and I had to brush her off. How do you tell someone that is supposed to be a close friend that no one wants them around because of the way they act?

Yesterday was my Dad's birthday. We went to the sports bar at his raquet club and stuffed ourselves on Nacho's and wings for lunch. He seemed really happy with this.

A very happy occurance was when Marcie called and asked if she and Frank could come up for the weekend yesterday morning. Of course I told them they're welcome anytime so they arrived last night at 11. We're looking forward to a fantastic day at the beach. Thankfully the weather cleared up. Yesterday we had a freak storm and it rained for most of the day and the power at my parents house even went out. Today has dawned bright and mostly clear although there is a hint of the coolness from the storm left over still.

Tim and Lisa are going to be heading up this afternoon to come to the beach with us and then we're going to have a big meal and lots of wine! Three Cheers for Summer at The Barons!

Well I just got home from Mid-Summer's Eve of the Arts. It was fantastic an evening of amazing food, good wine, good company, and a great art auction. I'd been trying to make it for the past number of years but this year was the first that I finally made it. It was definetily worth it. Had a very good time.

Very typical day other than that.

Almost forgot, I got a phone call today from a company that is screening for candidates for a position as Marketing Co-ordinator for a small Hotel Chain with holdings in BC, AB, & Sask. Unfortunatly as I wasn't expecting the phone call and was really surprised that I had been called in the first place I don't think I really represented myself all that well. We'll see if they call back to set up an interview time for next week. Funny isn't it just when you don't really need a job you suddenly start getting approached.

Here's a tip - Never have a Martini w/ Tequila in it. YUCK! I just got back from having a drink with a friend who's in town. We went to Vernons happening 'new place' and were absolutely amazed that the place was jammed full of cougars, wanna be cougars and a whole lot of ugly bored guys. Sad thing is that you can tell that almost everyone there parties at this place regularly as they were all doing the running hug (you know the thing where people you know, or barly know, but don't really want to acknowledge knowing, come running up to you and hug you like your long lost best friends, yeah lots of that going on in there tonight) Mental note to self 'avoid Monashee's on Tuesday nights. Seriously people, who regularly parties on a Tuesday night!?

Today was smoking hot. Hit at least 35 I believe. Thank God we remembered to water The Barons plants. He called tonight to let us know that he'd biked 120kms today and was just loving it. I personally think he's crazy but, hey he's having fun! Lucky for him the temperature where he's biking is a little more moderate within the 22-27 range so far.

Well my sister announced to me today that she's not going to go back to Calgary this fall. Now I can't actually blame her for not wanting to live in Calgary but at the same time I'm worried that this will not be good for her. She plans on staying in Vernon and pursuing her singing (which I don't think I have to tell anyone is a bit of a treacherous career path). We'll see how this actually goes though because my parents have very wisely decided to stay out of the decision making process and let Sister make up her own mind. I know she's not used to doing this as her decisions have always been facilitated by my parents doing whatever leg work needed to be done so that she could do whatever she wanted. Not this time.

I was in a very odd mood this evening and decided that I should give one of my childhood best friends a call. I havn't really talked to him for years aside from running into him in random places throughout town. The fact that I actually called this guy kind of shows the loneliness that I'm feeling here. Not that I don't have good friends here, I just wish I had more. That and the realization that many of the people I know here are in transition just like I am. I'm not sure come September how many of these people will be here. Or rather where I'll be... instability sucks.

I'm getting pretty excited because I'm going to be having guests in a while. Marcie and Frank are coming up to go on a wine tour of the Naramata Bench in August. Looking forward to seeing them and introducing them to Tim and Lisa whom I believe they will just love.

Finally, I finished Harry Potter this morning. I do believe that this one is the best to date. The ending left me stunned and very sad as one of the main characters dies. I won't ruin it for anyone who doesn't want to know but I was shocked! SHOCKED I TELL YOU!

The trip to Vancouver was uneventful. I had a good time with my Dad though so that was nice.

Today has been fun. Raph's brother and I decided that we would go and see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I loved it. Such a great film. Jonny Depp was a really psychotic Willy Wonka but really great psychotic.

Like a million small children I rushed out today and bought the new Harry Potter as well. So far I think I'm on the 7 or 8th chapter and I'm kind of planning on finishing it tomorrow. Unlike Raphael I won't bother writing a long drawn out book review of it though as I'm sure you'll all end up reading the book eventually.

Aside from those two very exciting events I am completely and utterly broke. No I think destitute is a better word. No money of any kind. Not a great place to be in I'm hoping I hear about my EI claim soon and get some cash cause this is rediculous.

Well off to Vancouver to get my furniture. The weather is amazing and everything looks like the trip will be easy. Will get home just in time for The Baron's going away party tomorrow night.

This was the view from the house yesterday! Another amazing Okanagan Summer Day!

Feeling fine again! This virus is a bastard. One day your fine the next it's taken you out for three days at a time. Ok, enough virus talk. As you can see from the picture I posted I'm going to play around with this blogger site and see what I can do to make it that much more interesting. I'm also considering posting a picture of myself on it. We'll see.

Had a lovely dinner with the Baroness and clan. Then had a great coffee with my friend Ruth who is living in town again. Very happy she's here, helps to keep me sane. Aside from that downloaded a bunch of music today and did nothing else very productive. Rediculously tired now so I'm going to bed.

I'm so tired it's actually an effort to drive! Never experienced this before and man does it suck!

It's been a bit of a rough day. I think it's mostly because I'm tired and can't seem to be able to shake it. I think that I'll be taking a bit of time off tomorrow as well and going to sleep in as long as I can.

It kind of hit me yesterday that it has in fact been 2 years since I lived in Vernon and before that I was here for a year and prior to that it had been two years since I lived in Vernon again (does that make sense?). So I'm feeling like the 24 month kid tonight. Life's a big cycle and it seems that my cycle at this moment is determined to send me back to Vernon every two years.

You know how when your in high school and everyone is telling you that it's very important to go after your dream and don't do anything that you don't want to... well I wish that someone would have told me the truth, that life is mostly a drugery of things and events that are not pleasant and that you don't necessarily want to do but you'll have to do them anyway. I think I used to have this illusion that life is always supposed to be fun and filled with things you wanted to do and with people that you wanted to do them with. That illusion is waning. Life isn't bad and it doesn't suck it's just not what I had hoped it would be.

Yay! I've got my computer set up and I'm back online. SO very happy. The Baron gave me a new keyboard as well which is very nice but it's one of those split jobs with the eurgonomic curve which is proving to be a bit of a speed bump at this moment as this is really the first thing that I've typed with it so far and it's taking me a bit to get used to.

Had a great day today having dinner with friends in Westbank and just visiting. Really enjoyed that. I also went and helped the guys from my Dad's church to unload a truck for some new person that had just moved into town. Went to my parents house for food. Hung out with Sister, etc. All in all I think I put a LOT of kms on the car today. That's one thing about being in the Okanagan is that because I know and have friends up and down the Valley I always end up driving a lot to entertain myself. Good thing I LOVE my car.

Now I'm really tired and need to go to bed. Good Night!

Well I've firmly established myself at The Baron's and life is reasonably good. I remembered how small of a town this is today when I went for a blood test after my Dr. appointment and ended up sitting next to a guy that I knew from my first job at the A&W... yeesh. Possibly because I'm really tired I'm having somewhat mixed feelings about being back here now. Well no not so much mixed as I fully remeber why I wanted to get out of here now. Everyone my age has left. There are very few 20 somethings in the Valley. Strange how my job is bringing me to a place where there are fewer not more people.

So tired. I hate being sick. I'm so tired for so much of the day that it just sucks. At least I'm sleeping better now. I'm officially moving to The Baron's tomorrow. I dropped off my computer and a few other things there today so I'll be back online shortly with a much more stable connection. My Dad has this wireless connection in his office that hardly ever works and makes me crazy most of the time because it will never give a stable connection. I spent about an hour today trying to figure it out and I know the connection is there and working but there's a friggin software problem that I just can't seem to figure out. So frusterating.

I didn't end up going to Penticton last night. I was at a BBQ with the ball team when I realized I was too tired to see straight so it was time to go home. Instead I picked up a copy of Halle Berry's Catwoman. Not the best show I've ever seen but not deserving of the derision it got from the press and the general public.

Had an argument with The Baron about Live 8 and the fogiveness of African debt. I don't think I need to tell anyone which side either of us were on in that argument! Ended as it usually does... each of us walking away figuring that the other will come around eventually.

Sometimes Janet just infuriates me. Jade came down for the weekend and Janet needed another girl for her softball team. She asked Jade if she wanted to play and she accepted. Janet treated her like trash on and off for the entire weekend. My Mother hypothsied that Janet is jealous because I was paying more attention to Jade, for the obvious reason that she didn't know anyone else, which singled her out. Unfortunately I don't know if it is just jealousy or if it's something more given how she's acted at the past two wine festivals. I'm getting pretty tired of this.

Sorry for the long silence. This week has been somewhat of a blur. I packed all my stuff and left Vancouver on Wednesday. The drive home was good and very quick. Fortunately one of my friends from Vancouver was coming down to visit her family this weekend as well and was able to bring a carload of my stuff as well so now all that's left in Vancouver is my large furniture items.

Thursday was the beginning of Funtastic and I was designated the official score-keeper so our team 'No Balls Barred' played their first game and kicked ass. After the game the team went over to Janet's parents house and sat around on the deck and enjoyed some drinks. After a few hours of that we went up to the Army base where there was a U2 tribute band playing (they were surprisingly really good). Unfortunatly Jade (my friend from Vancouver, who's playing on the team) and I lost the rest of the team and after an hour of wandering around through 300 teams of drunken ball players we decided to leave. I called Sister and as she was on her way to the club Jade and I decided to stop in and dance a little.

Yesterday involved more ball and a feeling of complete and utter exhaustion for me. I managed to stay up for the fireworks celebrating Canada Day but that was about it.

This morning I woke with the intention of going to the teams first game but woke up extreamly dizzy. Apparently dizzyness is a byproduct of Mono. So I lay in bed and watched the room spin for a while then got up and took a gravol. Thankfully the dizzyness is almost gone now but I do have a bit of a headache.

Tonight I'm supposed to be going to party with some friends in Penticton... but at this point I'm really not sure if I'm gonna make it. If I don't start to feel a little better it's just not going to happen.

I've been staying with Mom and Dad for the weekend as The Baron has a houseful of people for some church event. I'll be moving to his place on Monday and start doing work for Dad in the office this coming week as well. It looks like for the first two months that I'll be staying in Vernon almost exclusively and working in the office. Then come September I'll be starting out on the road.

The weather this weekend has been somewhat yucky. Alternating between hot and sunny to hot and cloudy with lots of wind and now today it's going to be cold, windy and rainy. Have a Great Day! And because I missed it yesterday, HAPPY BIRTHDAY CANADA!

I forgot to mention Saturday was my last day of Call Center Hell so I'm FREE! Yay! Last day was fine but still left me exhausted.

As I'm also sure you've noticed I've changed the blog template. I was hoping to find one that reflected Summer in the Okanagan, you know all yellows, blues, and greens but alas I couldn't find a good one. I really have to learn how to create my own templates.

Some people are SO damned hard to entertain it's not even funny. My buddy from Washington State left this morning and while our visit was good I have to admit that I'm somewhat relieved that he's gone. Asking him what he'd like to didn't get any reasonable response; asking what he'd like to see was the same. It got to the point that he couldn't even decide what he wanted to eat! Personally I think the poor guy was exhausted from a lot of shit that's been going on for him at home and he just needed to escape. So I did my best to show him a reasonably good time on very little money. I think I succeeded.

This afternoon I went and had lunch with my parents as they were on their way back from Seattle where they were for the weekend. As I was driving out to Burnaby to meet them I was suddenly hit with a feeling that I was really gonna miss the hustle and bustle of the city. I love Vancouver but for too many reasons it's just best that I leave right now. Quite honestly this is the first that I've thought all that much about actually leaving. My Mom asked me today if I was excited to be going home and I quickly realized that I'm not excited. I actually don't have any feelings about leaving Vancouver. I'm somewhat indifferent. This move is just a means to an end so if it works out it works out. If it doesn't I'll move back.

Of course now that it's official that I'm leaving the get togethers and lunches are starting. You know, the 'I won't see you for so long' meetings. It's gonna be a fun week until I go. I'm planning on leaving either Wednesday or Thursday in order to be home in time for July 1st. Janet's already got the whole weekend planned and as it's Funtastic there is TONS of stuff going on in Vernon. I'm looking forward to seeing my Kelowna friends as well. Thinking back to reasons that are good about going back to the Okanagan I re-read my blog posts from August and man do I hope that this summer's gonna be as much fun as last!

Yay my old dorm friend from across the hall is coming to visit. He just called and should be here in about 10 mins! Looking forward to seeing him. He's gonna stay the weekend.

As promised here is an update on what's going on. After thinking about it for months I have finally come to the realization that I need to go back to the Valley. Honestly the way things are going currently I'm unable to keep up. The mono is insisting upon hanging around and does not seem to be getting any better. Unfortunately there is really nothing that I can do about that situation that will help it get better aside from taking a leave from my job. Actually the Mono is a pleasant excuse to go on EI which will help me live for a few weeks until I get better and get the needed rest to do so.

The realization that I was a moron for staying here fully hit me Saturday morning. I was having Martini's with Marcie on Friday night and talking about Frank's acceptance into law school. If he decides to go for it in September he'll be starting Law school, an MBA, and finishing his Certified Financial Analyst program. Well as I'm sitting there with Marcie I said to her "why is he doing all of this?" Her answer was "he wants to own a home in Vancouver someday" That really struck a nerve for me because I had to ask myself if it was really worth it to want to live in Vancouver that much. That and the fact that these guys are EVERYWHERE! Frank is not an anomaly. That and the fact that I have been sending out resumes all over the place for three months and haven't even garnered a single call back aside from the call center kinda tipped me off that I wasn't supposed to be here (ironically I got a call back from an employer today about a job!).

Personally I want to be able to afford to own a comfortable home and be able to drive a nice car. With the insane competition out there I don't see any chance of that happening in Vancouver anytime soon. That and you don't get rich or make any money working for someone else so as I dragged myself out of bed at 3:45AM in order to get to the call center in time on a Saturday morning things just started to make sense and by the time I was having my morning muffin break I was mentally already packed and ready to walk. I talked to my parents when they returned to Vancouver from their latest cruise and they were thrilled as they had been wondering when I was gonna get the picture as well and move back.

Quite honestly I'm not really happy or sad about leaving Vancouver. I'm really quite indifferent. I've had perhaps one of the most miserable years of my life here (and that's saying something!) and yet I've been happy here as well. I know that moving back to the Valley is the right decision for right now though and if it turns out that I made the wrong decision... then I'll move back. Right now I'm just looking forward to getting my energy back and getting my sleep schedule back on track.

Internet at home has been down. Will post this afternoon with a complete and full update.

'till then!

I'm leaving Vancouver. Dates to be announced.

Big news to come... I'll let you in on it by tomorrow. (Raph and Wifey you already know)

Well after my last post I went and got something to eat and rationality started to surface again. Not entirely but... I looked at the $500 bill that the BC Medical plan had sent and tried to figure out why the hell it would be so much money. Well it finally dawned on me once I called them and asked why I had a $200 balance on the account. The lady on the phone told me that it was outstanding from July-August 2004! Hmm... where was I working at that point. Yep you guessed it HBC fucked me over again! I can show you the pay stubs where they happily deducted that money but apparently it didn't go to where it was supposed to go which can now affect my credit rating. I am SO MAD I think I may go to labour relations tomorrow with my sad tale of mistreatment at the hands of "One of Canada's best employers" hopefully things will happen that way.

I've discovered a new form of hell. Let me introduce you to the 'Call Center' it's a place where people get up at un-godly hours to go and answer the phone where stupid people call in and ask rediculous questions (yes there are people that will be driving down the highway, see a truck with a phone number on it and will call in just to see what that trucks company does, I probably answer 20 or more of those a day!). Now one would ask why is that so bad. Let me tell you that repeating the same damned thing over and over and over again for 7.5 hours straight isn't all that it's cracked up to be. The turnover is so insane that I'm a Senior Agent already! Must keep plotting my escape. Maybe going home for a while to recover and try and get back on my feet isn't such a bad idea after all... I'll have to see if The Baron is interested in a house guest again this summer, as there's no way I'll move in with my parents.

At this moment I'm ready to give it all up and move home and live in my parents basement... Seriously drastic but I'm considering it. More unwanted inflated bills came in today. Money is tight... graspingly tight... can't... breath...

How does one "live large" or rather "seize the day"? I'm wondering how and what it is that I can do to make sucessful changes to my life. I wanna be sucessful, I wanna be spontaneous, I wanna be interesting. Yep, I think that sums up what I'm striving for... now if I wasn't so damned tired all the time!

Another very interesting thing was pointed out to me last Wednesday. I do everything very intentionally. Thinking back there are few things that I've ever done just because. Now I'm sure this isn't anything that's all that outrageously different but even in the relationships that I pursue there is always some ultimate reason that I do things.

Here's a short list of things that I want to do this summer.

1. Go to Salt Spring Island
2. Drink wine in Kelowna
3. Go sailing
4. Visit my friend in Victoria for the weekend
5. Go hiking with the Baron

By no means definitive but a good start I think.

I went to the Doctor today to have a mono check-up and complain that ironically I can't sleep at night and it's starting to affect my state of well being. He prescribed sleeping pills to get me back onto a regular sleep schedule as I have a nap after work and aparently it's killing my ability to sleep at night. Not good.

I bought The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. Aside from that everything is pretty much normal here. Oh Mr. & Mrs. Smith is an EXCELLENT movie. I went in not expecting much but was very happily surprised. Two thumbs up from me.

Lately I have to admit that I have been thinking about wrapping up this blog in it's current incarnation.

That said life here has remained on it's leasuirely path. I've been spending the majority of my time resting. The resting has allowed me to finish Peter C. Newman's epic (700+ page) biography this afternoon, a throughougly satisfying experience. Now I'm trying to decide what my next book is going to be will it be pure fiction, a marketing book, or a book on spiritual guidance? I'm not really sure at this point still but I'm going to stop by the overpriced used book store on my way home from work tomorrow and see what I can find.

Last night I went out for the first time in about a month, with my friend the Mexican, we went to 'The Longest Yard' the new Adam Sandler - Chris Rock movie. Very funny, highly recommended if you just wanna sit and laugh.

So after the drama with my friend the other day it all came out the reason I havn't been seeing her since I moved down here is that she hates Lexi. Now that that's out things are fine. Sadly though now that I have mentioned it to a few other friends it's come out that NONE of them likes her. Not a one including my sister. This floored me because while I don't really care I was amazed that no one told me this before. Yeesh people some things just need to be said.

It would seem I'm somewhat of a radical. My radicalness is more a concept of the way that I think than in how I act (which is probably the definition of radical but I'm to lazy to look it up). I believe that having been influenced, throughout my formative teenage years, by some extremely intense personalities on both sides of many political and religious fields that I have come out of this with the ability to see both sides of a situation and weight it in my own mind before taking pieces of each argument then melding them together to form my own judgement. This judgement on a situation is generally slightly or greatly different from many of the prevailing thoughts out there. For this reason life has been somewhat lonely at times (Raphael and Matthew I really miss you two!) but at least I'm really starting to figure out why I always seem to have trouble fitting in with the mainstream train of thought, no matter how hard I try.

Deciding to have my regular Mono nap today I went to bed at 330 and woke up at 730! Oye, this is getting rediculous.

Here's a situation for you. I left a message on one of my friends phones this Friday asking her to call me back. Never heard from her. So today I get an e-mail asking if she was over-reacting because the 'tone' of my message made her afraid to call!? I'm sorry that's just my voice. So of course reacting to the message instead of responding I sent her a note saying that maybe if she'd return my calls more often I wouldn't sound so upsetting (?). Well of course her response was we need to talk about this. Um, ok. So I'm mildly confused, kind of angry and also a little hurt that my voicemail would come across so hostile a friend wouldn't call back. How frusterating.

Now I'm going to have a glass of wine and read for a while before going back to bed for what hopefully will be a better sleep than last nights was.

Since I contracted Mono I have frequently had nights of fitfull sleep. Last night I kept waking up from horrible dreams which seemed to involve all of the 'religious' people in my life. I would wake up and remember feeling angry, sad, depressed, and completely unsettled. As usual I don't remember my dreams but oddly enough two charaters stood out. My friend E from Prarie as well as my old mentor H from the Mennonite Church. At one point I woke up and kept repeating "spiritual abuse" though I don't know why; I do remember that there was a book on that topic that I had been meaning to read for quite some time. Needless to say I was actually very tired when it was time to go to work today.

Today I'm thinking about selfishness. I don't think of myself as a selfish person and I really hope that I'm not but I can honestly say that selfishness amoung people my age is my biggest piss-off. When people are so wrapped up in their own lives and just want to talk about themselves constantly (aside from in a blog where it's the audiences perogative as if whether they want to read it or not) I don't want to be around them. Now of course most people out there are under the illusion that they are the most interesting thing that's happened to mankind in at least a decade I think that's sad. There are a lot of people out there and you'll live a much richer and fuller life if you get to know some of them instead of constantly whining to anyone who'll listen about how you havn't found a boy friend or girl friend! Ok, now I'm starting to get specific and I can feel a rant coming on against a specific person so I'll stop now before any damage is done.

It's another lazy Sunday and I am again reminded why I dislike working on Sunday. I enjoy the peace and quite the day provides. I woke this morning rather late and am contempalting what I'm going to do with my afternoon. I think that sitting and reading is very much in order but I am also thinking that quite possibly reading would be better with a coffee. So now the question is do I go to a coffee shop and buy a coffee or do I go to Safeway and buy cream for the coffee that I already have at home... Ah decisions, decisions.

Daddy was in town for a few days which involved a pleasant visit. I always enjoy it when he comes down for a visit (so long as he leaves a certain someone at home...). So he just left and as has been the case the past few times that he's been down I spent WAY to much money. Well I actually needed what I bought today a new pair of Helly Hansen SHOES! I know your amazed that Helly is making shoes now, as was I, but they're very, very cool and oh so comfortable. The best thing is that they were on sale. Not by much but enough for me to be able to justify spending the money on them. As it is Sister's birthday in a few days I dragged poor Dad around looking at purses. Well after wandering all over Oakridge Mall (which was totally pointless as I knew I wanted to get her a purse from Guess?) we made our way downtown where I found a great purse and wallet. I'm very satisfied with what I got her. I hope she likes them as it'll be a bitch for her to have to return. Anyway now I'm going to go and read for a while as those little excursions wiped me out.

I woke up from a quick nap and found that I was irrationally angry! Pissed off at the world that's what I am right now. I seriously almost snapped on my naturalpath at my appointment a bit ago. Then it was all I could do to be plesant to my friend the checkout girl at Safeway.

Well as announced yesterday I have mono. What does this mean. Well as far as I can tell it means that I have an hour to two hour nap when I come home from work each day and am in bed by approximately 8 or 9. Such an exciting life I lead.

Well it's past the time when Starbucks said they'd be back to me which for all intents and purposes at the moment is fine because I really couldn't have done anything with them anyway but... this still makes me feel like a loser. I can't even get hired by Starbucks. Fuck. When am I going to escape the hell that is a call center? Now I suppose that for now it really is fine because I'm not physically capable of doing anything else but I stumble out of there everyday feeling terrible because I'm not hitting my targets. There's really not a damned thing I can do about that because although my numbers arn't bad they arn't great. Today I worked out how many calls I received that I should not have received (i.e.- Cancellations) and Areas not serviced and that was over 15% of my total calls for the day. So obviously when I keep getting calls like these how in hell am I supposed to keep my conversion rate up. Very frusterated with life in general. Really want to drop everything, move back to Kelowna and start life over.

Yep, I have Mono!

So I got a call at work today from my Dr. He wants to see me regarding the bloodwork results. I'm heading over there in half an hour and of course I'm jumping to all the worst conclusions. Freaking out!

Just to forewarn you I'm going to wallow in some self-pity here for a bit. I feel as though I've experienced way more in this last year than many people will experience in many years. I suppose this is a good thing in a way but it's really taken a tole on my self-confidence. I often wonder at my own abilities and shudder to see how they fall short of what and where I believe they should be. Ok I'm done now.

Amazingly I still feel like crap. Having a sore throat while working at a job that your on the phone talking all day for is rough. I kept spraying my throat with numbing stuff, the problem with that is that it would consistently numb my tongue which made it hard to talk. I'm supposed to hear back from the Doctor about my tests by the end of next week sometime. I'm hoping it's sooner.

Yet again it's a smokin hot day in Vancouver and I'm too tired to do anything. That and my head hurts. I may go to the beach with Peter this afternoon but quite honestly I'm not up to it. Well see how I'm feeling when he calls. Anyway that's pretty much it for the upate today.

And I thought I was just working to hard... spent the day running around getting various tests and medical advice. Started off this morning when I woke up with yet another headache, sore throat, and a nose full of snot. As I was planning on replenishing some of my vitamins anyway I called the naturalpath and made an appointment. Well after my symptoms confused the hell out of him for a good 45 mins he said that it maybe allergies to dust but that to be on the safe side I should go and see a Dr. and get a mono test. So I trudged off to the Doctor's (it's such an amazing day here I have just been walking everywhere) an he was a little more concerned after checking my glands, spleen, ears, and throat. So he did a mono swab then told me to go and get a bunch of blood test's done. Now I sit here with a headache feeling very tired and considering taking a very long nap... if only that wouldn't fuck up my sleep schedule.

Oh between Doctor and lab I went and got my hair lightened again. What can I say it wasn't blonde enough for the summer. Now it REALLY is! Yay blonde.

I finally found it! The perfect cinnamon bun! Cobs Bread! They're delightful.

Well I now have a potential major dilemma. I was asked if I would be interested in a Shift Supervisor's position when all I applied for was a position as Barista! The catch is that this is between 20 - 30 hours a week... on top of my actual bread and butter job. 60 hours a week I can handle... 70 I'm not so sure. But then I may be getting ahead of myself as well as they havn't officially offered me the posistion yet. Basically the Manager told me that she'd be willing to work around my other schedule and this job would mean more Supervisory experience on the ol' resume as well as faster advancement through the company which could possibly mean that within a few months I could ditch the full time job and work at Starbucks full time... hmm decisions, decisions.

Went to Richmond today and sprung blue. Yay it only cost $600! What the hell I'm made of $$$...

I had my first interview at Starbucks yesterday and I was immediately asked to come back today for a second interview with the Store Manager so the feeling is good... I'll let you know later tonigh.

I possibly just found the most over rated eatery in Kitsilano. The deli at Capers Market! Truly TERRIBLE! I thought that as the damned place is always packed that the food must be good or cheap (hopefully both) unfortunatly neither was the case. I spent $9 on a slice of lasangia that was uncermoniously plopped onto a plastic plate, along with some asparogas. They tossed the food into a microwave and handed it too me. Well as anyone knows microwaving lasangia takes a hell of a lot more time than the 1:00 they threw it in there for. So I was entirely dissatisfied with my cold lasangia and asparogas! I vow I will NEVER eat in there again!!

Well it's the long weekend and in typical long weekend fashion it's pouring rain intermittently. I heard on the news the other day that it's rained for the long weekend for the past 11 (or is it 7) years now. Lexi's gone camping somewhere, an experience I'm sure that I don't envy.

So I'm sitting here thinking about cinnamon buns... you know the ones. No not the ones that are just kinda sticky I'm talking about the sticky, gooey, Costco cream cheese covered ones! Mmmm, I had one on Tuesday from Terra Breads and while it was one of the kinda sticky ones it was truly good. Now I'm starting to crave the icing covered variety. I'm gonna have to go and check out Cobs breads as I hear that they create exactly that. If that doesn't work then I'll just go to the Kits Coffee company and have one of there reasonably good buns. Too bad I have to drink they're coffee too!

Off in search of a cinnamon bun.

Moving along in the theme of the day I just got a notice of a rent increase from the Landlord! What else...

Well I just got back from work and on my way I got a phone call from my Ford dealership. Seems that I bent a strut on Blue when I smoked the curb yesterday! Including all the work for that as well as the new key I got cut my total is gonna be well over $500! Argh! I swear it never rains in my world it's just an intermittent tsunami! I should really start to worry when things calm as history should have taught me that it's not gonna last. Surprisingly though I'm still in a great mood. I think it has a lot to do with the extra rest I've been giving myself lately. Lots of doing nothing, reading and going to bed early. Well I think it's time I wandered down to Starbucks (God I hope I get that job I'm really gonna need the extra cash!) and have a coffee.

OMG WHAT A DAY! So I woke up and wanted to stay in bed. Instead I went to work and hated being there cause it seemed that only a bunch of morons were calling in today. Didn't make me happy. Then I went home and collected the car as he needed to go to the shop to see about some warrenty work. Then while driving down the street I drove the poor guy into a curb which caused the rim to be skuffed and threw the alignment totally out! So I called the dealership and updated them on the the new things that needed to be done including a new key as I believe that I accidentaly threw one of mine out, including the fob! Imagine my horror when I was told that because the key contained an imobilizer chip just to replace the key would be $100! A new fob would be $40-70!!! Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

The good news is that I got a call from the Starbucks that I applied to for an interview. Yay!

Parents really buggin me again.

Over an out time for bed!

Love ya'll

Oh I forgot to mention this... the other night while waiting for my sister to arrive I went out for what was the most expensive drink I've ever had. While at Milestones with some friends my car was towed! OUTRAGOUS! Apparently I was parked within 5 ft of a fire hydrant. Of course I saw it but thought to myself.. Oh there's plenty of room and this is a parking spot and there's no sign or anything. Come out of the restaurant not even 30 mins later and my baby's gone! So MAD! Anyway he's back with me now but he's got a mysterious clunking sound that's happening so I'm still MAD! He's going in to visit the dealership tomorrow where they'll take care of him using all that Ford Quality Care they're always yapping about. All I know is that it better be covered by warrenty.

Happy Day! The Liberals have managed another majority government. Now as I am thrilled with the results of the vote I have to say that I am happy the opposition (the hated NDP) has been granted 30 seats as well. I recognize the value of having a strong oposition because of the attempt at balance that is needed in politics. However I do believe that the Liberals have done a more than admirable job in governing this province and returning it to it's rightful place in this country. If the lessons of the past 4 years have taught the people of the province anything I hope that it's a message of fiscal responsibility. As incredibly important as social services are there is a limit to what I find reasonable. Claims by 'certain people' about the Liberals increasing the rate of homelessness in this province are particularly ludacris when they are most assuradly getting these stats from some left-wing think tank (or Mother, as the case may be). Like anything returning to health sometimes requires tough medicine and the Liberals are the only government in the recent past who have been able to clearly see what needed to be done.

I went to the Chiropractor today because my neck has been very painful for the last few weeks. With a referral from my Kelowna boys at Okanagan Health and Performance I went to a chiropractor just down the street from my house. I'm feeling much better but poorer.

I managed to pick up a cold the other day. My typical exhausted cold, an old friend left over from my HBC days. Well he's back but I'm using my days off this week, today and Sunday to do nothing and just read, sleep and enjoy myself. This is actually the first week in a long time that I havn't had someone either from out of town or in town visiting. I love the visits but it's been almost non-stop for about 7 weeks I think. So it's nice to have a break.

To hell with finding a new hobby, I'm gonna try and get me another job! I'm hoping that I will be able to get a part-time job at one of the Starbucks in my neighbourhood. It only seems natural actually as I love coffee and have always wanted to work for this company for some reason. Resume's and applications going out shortly.

Last night was great! Had lots of fun partying with the girls at Skybar in Vancouver. I believe it was agreed on by everyone that Skybar is definetely one of the snobbiest bars ever... But then thinking about it, I think that may just be Vancouver bars in general... hell the whole fucking city's rediculous when it comes to snobbery. It's one of those weird situations where everyone bemoans the fact that it's reality but no one seems to want to do anything about it. Just the other week I was reading in the Georgia Straight and someone had written a story about how people on Vancouver transit don't look at each other, just a small example of the fact that people know it happens. Overall for a city that bills itself on being so friendly there are a lot of lonely people here. Sad thing is though it's their own damned fault for being so increadibly self-absorbed. I'm actually pretty sure that is the problem here. People are incredibly self-absorbed. It's all about looks and that's it. Overall though I can't get to down on Vancouver for this whole issue because as far as I know just about every large city is absolutely full of self-absorbed people. Thoughts anyone?

I'm waiting for my Sister to get here! I'm very excited it's the first time the fabulous red headed terror will have visited me here in Vancouver and I am expecting it to be great. I'm having a small party tomorrow night to celebrate.

I don't remember if I wrote about it previously or not but I'm going to make small mention of my Mother's day at home. I was unfortunate enough to have not realized that it was Mother's Day last Sunday and that I would be within a very short driving distance of my parents home... therefore leaving me with no excuse with which to be able to say 'Wish I was there'. Stupid I know. So I went home and it just like every time that I go home it was traumatic as hell. Having had the time to reflect upon the situation I think that I've pinpointed why visits to the family home seem to throw me for such a loop. Apparently my parents do not seem to be the main reason for the feeling of emptiness and hopelessness that I feel while there. The Okanagan has a strange draw on me in that, that's where my roots are and they run deep. The problem is that there is no nourishment for those roots. There is nothing there and especially at my parents home for me. Walking into their 'perfect' home with it's sterile feeling and its air that no one actually lives there seem to kill me. Nothing in that house reflects any part of who I am or what growing up there was like. My Mother has been systematically 'updating' everything in the past few years in this bizarre 'antique' look that she seems to favour. Even before the remodeling though the house never felt like a home. It was a place to stop on the way to friends homes that felt more like home. The Baron's aerie overlooking the lake, my old best friends home on the lake these are the places that I consider home when I return to Vernon. So understandably it's a fucked up feeling being home and yet not feeling as though that place exists.

Vancouver while a great temporary home is just that I believe. I think that within the next few years I will be home in the Okanagan building a home that actually feels like home and is able to provide what I need from it.

So after I shut the computer down last night I got to thinking... what is it that people do in their spare time? Why do I feel guilty for staying at home in the evenings during the week and watching TV, chatting, or reading? I think that it's possibly because there is this idea that if your going to meet people you must do it in your spare time while taking a class joining a team or doing some other such activity. Now part of the problem for me is that I really don't have any hobbies or sports that I enjoy so now the question is what should I join? And once I'm there how do I keep my interest up enough to go on a weekly basis?

My latest experiment was to volunteer for Gordon Campbell's re-election campaign. Quite honestly while I am still very passionate about seeing the Premier remain in office I'm just not all that excited about doing all that much more for the campaign. I have done general office work, I have done mail drops, and I have gone to a rally... I've met some nice people and all but did I really meet any new friends? No. Maybe I'm expecting to much.

My Dad last night suggested that maybe I should look for some kind of book club or wine club. I'm considering this but my impression of these types of clubs is that they are generally filled with older people, and frankly that's not really what I'm looking for.

Well, off to work.

As usual my trip to Kelowna has left me feeling unsettled and frustrated. Tim and Lisa put on an amazing dinner, no banquet is a better term, on Friday night when we arrived in town. Of course Janet was there and the whole time was great fun. Until of course Tim pulled out the 151 and INSISTED that I have some with him. Not really wanting to I protested but he poured me a shot anyway. Well I drank a shot with him and then he decided that he wanted to do another. Again I protested but drank the damned thing anyway. So now we're both feeling pretty drunk and then he gets sick! Serves him right the bastard. As he ran to the toilet he kept repeating "this isn't the way it's supposed to happen!" Sorry Tim backfired on ya.

Saturday was spent wandering aimlessly around Kelowna enjoying the sites and doing a little bit of shopping with Janet and the Russian (he came with me from Vancouver). We then got ready for the festival and I have to say that Janet and I were looking hot! Me in my new pink shirt and her in her pink dress. We proceeded to the festival where we decided that this year was not a good crop for the Okanagan in General as there were very few wines we actually enjoyed this year. Because the quality wasn't very good Janet decided to go for quantity and this proved to be the downfall. I have to say that I don't believe I will be going to the Fall Festival this year because of the way that things happen when Janet gets drunk. It's just not pleasant for anyone because of the way that she acts. We shall have to see though. Needless to say I wasn't very impressed.

Sunday saw Mother's day come and go for another year and I made the trip up to Vernon. Having no viable alternative I took the Russian with me which made things slightly uncomfortable with the family. I didn't actually notice this though until my Father told me tonight. To be fair I was fairly reluctant to bring him with me up there anyway though.

Still something about that Valley that I seem to want but once I'm there I end up despising it. I don't know what's wrong with me but there are things that seem to upset me terribly about going home and I cannot seem to be able to get over them.

So as stated at the beginning the current mood and feeling is one of frustration. Not so much with myself or anyone in particular but rather with life itself.

YAY One more sleep 'till Kelowna! Wine Festival HERE I COME! Today was yet another gorgeous day in Vancouver. One that I had a very time spending money on. I think I learned a very important lesson toay. Do not walk home along 4th Ave! Rather stick to 1st where there are no shops. On the bright side though I did find my Mother's Day gift for Mommy though. In Urban Barn, one of my favourite stores, they had these cast iron pigs with wings attached to their backs. Well they are adorable, not to mention heavy, so I had to get one for Mom. Silly me wasn't thinking that I'd have to carry it the approximatly 8 blocks up the road to get it home. By the time that I finally got home I had to lay on the floor and stretch my back! Silly pig. I also bought a new shirt from a consignment store to wear to the wine festival. It's like nothing I own already. It's pink, red and white striped but the stripes are in various directions. With my grey Kennth Cole pants it's gonna look hot! I also found a used book store and I stopped in and bought a new book as it's been far to long since I finished reading 'The Life of Pie'. The book I bought is 'How to be good' by Nick Hornby, the author of 'About a boy' and other such soon to be classics. I'm hoping that it will be really good as the author comes highly recommended.

Well as usual when things are going well I don't really have all that much to write about. The U2 concert was phenomenal. No really it was awesome. I was thrilled to have gone as the concert was seriously impressive. They played upwards of 20 songs and the production itself was amazing. Serious amounts of money were spent on this show for which I give U2 kudos.

Matthew is in town and we spent some time together yesterday. Poor guy was totally zoned cause he was SO tired. He's currently on his way over to visit now and I think we'll order pizza and visit for a while.

Work is getting better as I'm no longer at the bottom of the pile for incoming calls. Makes my day much more eventful which is nice.

Hmm, oh Janet was in town this weekend to which means that Saturday night was spent in somewhat of a stupour, if ya know what I mean, but we had fun. I'm really looking forward to visiting with her this coming weekend as we party in Kelowna at the wine festival. Also can't wait to hang out with Lisa and Hans!