Wow am I tired. Yesterday's drive really kind of wiped me out more than I thought that it would. I think the extreme heat of the day yesterday caused the drive to be more exhausting, even though I have a/c in the car. This morning I woke rather early but stayed in bed for quite a while. It's really a good thing that I don't have an actual job. When I got into the car this morning it was almost hard to see through the wind sheild as it was caked with bug remains. I arrived at the office after stopping to wash the bugs off the car.

After doing a little bit of work I called my friend the Professor and asked if he would give me some pointers on my golf game. Of course he was happy to help so I went up to visit at 1. Arriving at his place I commented on the insanely large house that was built next door to his. Asking who in hell was going to be moving into the house he said no one. Apparently this 6 bedroom monstrosity is a German couple's 5th home. They will be using it as a ski chalet of sorts for their friends when they come to visit. The Professor figures it's worth approximately $800,000! I suppose if you MUST have a 5th home it may as well be decent...

After chatting about the house we went to the back yard and worked on my swing. I'm happy to say that I think I've got it down again. If I actually put the time and effort into it I think I could be a really decent golfer.

Even though the majority of the day today was good I was really feeling an emotional turmoil, the residual effects of yesterdays counseling session, that was quite uncomfortable. It really didn't help that my Mom called from her place of work and asked me to pick her up because my Uncles and Grandmother were being total ass holes to her. I'm really starting to despise some of the dynamics of my family. Thank God my parents have been looking into our family dynamics and our relationships with each other. I have to say they have been amazing lately in their evidence of personal change. I really applaud them for walking out into a very uncomfortable place and working on it. If only it were as easy with members of the extended family. It's sad when you have feelings of hate towards members of your extended family for the way they treat your Mother.

Personally I'm trying to learn how to be alone. After this weekend, which was super spectacular, when everyone left and KS was on his own again I freaked out. I didn't know what to do with myself. When everything else is gone and I'm on my own, who am I there with? What is my identity? I think I've asked this question before but here it is again... How does one find themselves?

I used to think that I had a really good idea of who I was but in the past year I've found that I was totally wrong about that. I liken my search for my identity again to opening Pandora's Box. Once I opened that damned box thinking that I would find a neatly woven tapestry that was to be my identity (gay) I had the nasty surprise of finding out that it was filled with hundreds of little winged pixies (leave the obvious joke alone please) each holding a thread of the tapestry that makes up me.

Each of those threads is of vital importance to who I am and the damned pixies won't stay still so I can grab them. So I feel as though I'm running around a room (yes, I had the sense to open the box in an enclosed room... Clever huh) vainly trying to grab threads of identity out of the air as the damned pixies dangle them in front of me. Some of the pixies are slower than others so I've managed to grab a number of threads and I've got them safely in a bag but the number is far to few to even start to think about starting to weave. I think the thing with pixies though is that eventually they get tired and they do have to rest. Once they're resting I'll be able to more easily pin the little bastards down and see what I've got to work with.

One final story for the night. I met a guy in a chat room who I've been getting to know (no it's nothing like that!) and we talked on the phone last night for the first time. Well in the course of the conversation he mentions that he works at Starbucks. Well because I'm a total Starbucks whore I knew immediately which store he worked at as I'd never seen him at the two that I frequent the most.

Of course if I was a total stalker freak I'd have rushed out at the very first chance to see who this person was. Well I'm not like that, intentionally anyway... After picking my mother up at work she said that she needed to go to the bank. As this was not unreasonable and I was hankering for a Frappuchino anyway I said sure. Immediately upon walking into Starbucks I realized my mistake! As luck would have it he happend to be working! We locked eyes and immediately knew who each other were. I just about turned to stone because I'm now thinking 'OMG he's going to think I'm stalking him! With my MOTHER!'. I didn't really know what to do so I just kept my sunglasses on to avoid eye contact and made my Mom go and order the drinks while I hung around at the back of the store. Those were the most stressful moments I've ever spent in a Starbucks. Later when he sent me a text message asking how my frappuchino was I just had to laugh. So thankfully he doesn't think I'm a total freak (I think). Ok, story's over.

If you got this far in this post congratulations I don't know if I would have. Have a Great Night / Day wherever you may be.

Mood: Slightly overwhelmed by emotions.
Music: Random MP3's