I am officially irritated. After watching The Incredibles tonight I saw a trailer for The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy! Now this in itself was enough to get me very excited and run to the computer to check out the web-site (http://hitchhikers.movies.go.com) what I found there was very, very disappointing. Zaphod only has ONE HEAD! What the HELL! So after looking over the site and the cast and characters I have to say that even though this is one of my all time favourite books I do believe that I will be skipping this movie as I'm sure it's going to be a collosal disappointment.

Well I had dinner with the Baroness. It was actually quite pleasant. We went for Indian food in a little place in my neighbourhood that I didn't even know existed before this. So it was quite nice.

Feeling like shit today. I went and volunteered at my local MLA's re-election campaign office this afternoon for a couple of hours. I figure that it's a good way of networking and meeting people who maybe able to help me at some point in this job search. That and it helped to take my mind off of the actual business of finding a job for a while.

Well I didn't get the job. They wanted someone with more experience.



Now what?



I think I'll just start applying everywhere for anything and see what sticks.

Nope the fucker isn't gonna let me post! Very irritated now that I downloaded the special program and everything. Oh well I'll try and figure it out tomorrow. Till then I'll link ya'll to my telus photo album where the pic is.

http://myphotosite.telusmobility.com/mytm/control/photosite/6049992598@telusmobility?lang=EN

Enjoy.

Ok, let's see if this works!

Oh I forgot to mention that I learned a new lesson this weekend. Never go to the hairdresser while thinking your going to try and start re-inventing yourself again. If you do and your like me your gonna come out of there with red highlights in your hair! Yeah, for some reason I was feeling adventurous and decided that copper coloured highlights would look good in my hair. So I asked her if she could do it. Well turns out she can! It's gonna take some getting used to. On the plus side it makes me look like I have a tan!

Re-inventing oneself. What does that look like exactly? I'm definetely in the mood to do so and change everything about me but how exactly? Now true I think that I've sucessfully done that this past year just with the whole coming out thing and all but now I'm wanting to change again. I'm sure this is really a desperate attempt to find myself but what insane direction is it going to take me this time? Maybe I'll start getting piercings and start smoking copious amounts of pot. Hmmm yes maybe. Maybe instead of stopping with the red highlights I should grow my hair into dreds. God I wish I knew what I wanted. I'm pretty sure actually that it's not really anything outward that is needing to change. It's all internal which makes it that much harder. Hmm I should try and figure out how to post a pic of my new red hair on here.

Well I'm back in Van and my trip home was good. Very uneventful and very quite exactly how I wanted it to be. It's odd though how every one of the books that I'm reading right now tells me that it can be traumatic to go back home for people dealing with the issues I'm dealing with and as far as I can tell they're right. Christmas was probably one of the most traumatic experiences I've ever had and from the stories that I hear from some of my friends and acquaintances I would have to say it is true... homosexuals don't like being in their childhood homes. So I was thrilled to come back here.

Today was basically a waste of a day again. Well that's how my days are feeling anyway because looking for jobs now a days is definitely not what I think it used to be. I think there's this romantic vision most people have, I think, of looking for a job involving a folded up newspaper scribbled all over in red pen at a cheap coffee joint. Now a days everything's done on the internet. Employers don't want to have anything to do with you if you walk into their office and ask to submit a resume. Most of the time it just goes straight to the receptionist who then passes it on. At least with e-mail your resume should be going to the person who is actually going to make a decision.

Being that I have been applying mostly with recruiters, which seems to be about the only option available at most job finding related web-sites, I would have thought I would have had more responses by now. True it's only the second Monday after a short week but I'm feeling a little down. I really hope that the position I met with the recruiter for last week works out. The recruiter figured the company would be calling me either today or tomorrow. Well I didn't hear from them today so that leaves tomorrow.

Tomorrow I'm going for supper with the Baroness. It's been a long time since I've seen her, indeed I believe the last time I saw her was just after Rapheal's wedding. Unfortunately the last number of times that I've seen her I've been rather tense. But having gone through some rather intense situations this last year I feel as though I maybe can relate a bit better with her now so I'm hoping that conversation during supper will be good.

Well I'm back in Van and my trip home was good. Very uneventful and very quite exactly how I wanted it to be. It's odd though how every one of the books that I'm reading right now tells me that it can be traumatic to go back home for people dealing with the issues I'm dealing with and as far as I can tell they're right. Christmas was probably one of the most traumatic experiences I've ever had and from the stories that I hear from some of my friends and acquaintances I would have to say it is true... homosexuals don't like being in their childhood homes. So I was thrilled to come back here.

Today was basically a waste of a day again. Well that's how my days are feeling anyway because looking for jobs now a days is definitely not what I think it used to be. I think there's this romantic vision most people have, I think, of looking for a job involving a folded up newspaper scribbled all over in red pen at a cheap coffee joint. Now a days everything's done on the internet. Employers don't want to have anything to do with you if you walk into their office and ask to submit a resume. Most of the time it just goes straight to the receptionist who then passes it on. At least with e-mail your resume should be going to the person who is actually going to make a decision.

Being that I have been applying mostly with recruiters, which seems to be about the only option available at most job finding related web-sites, I would have thought I would have had more responses by now. True it's only the second Monday after a short week but I'm feeling a little down. I really hope that the position I met with the recruiter for last week works out. The recruiter figured the company would be calling me either today or tomorrow. Well I didn't hear from them today so that leaves tomorrow.

Tomorrow I'm going for supper with the Baroness. It's been a long time since I've seen her, indeed I believe the last time I saw her was just after Rapheal's wedding. Unfortunately the last number of times that I've seen her I've been rather tense. But having gone through some rather intense situations this last year I feel as though I maybe can relate a bit better with her now so I'm hoping that conversation during supper will be good.

I'm preparing to go home for the weekend. Mentelly as well as physically. I think this is going to be a fairly traumatic visit. After perhaps the most intense counselling session I've ever had last night I thought I was going to die (and still kinda wish I would). Picking away at the layers that make up me has been like pulling off a scab and then finding another scab underneath. The pain is so intense I can't even believe it's there.

Day 1 finally over. Feeling very anxious and terrified that my resume is crap. Terrified of writing a cover letter. Everyone seems to have different ideas of what a resume should look like. Want to get the sucker completed ASAP so I can start distributing it. Feel like I should just dive right into the job search but really what does that mean and how is that accomplished without a proper resume. Well I think it's proper so now I'm just nit-picking it to death! Argh I hate my insecurity.

Got a phone call from the leader of the coming out of coming out group tonight. He said that they had missed me last week (after a counselling session with my counsellor on Wednesday where he asked me why I went if I didn't want to and I didn't have an answer for him so I decided not to go on Thursday) and wanted to know if the group was for me or not as I wasn't appearing very interested. I told him that I didn't think that it was and that I would happily return the book to him. So now I've been rejected once again. Ironically now that I'm an unemployed loser I may actually feel as though I would have belonged in that group (ohhh that was nasty).

For better of for worse I'm going to go home for Easter this coming weekend. I don't know if this is really the best place for me to go but I need to get out of here. I can't handle being here and all of the pressure that's going on right now. I feel as though I'm just out of the gate and life is trying to trip me and break my legs. I suppose the only thing that I have to cling to is that God is still arranging things for something bigger and better. I wish that was actually comforting.

Ok, now I'm starting to freak-out a bit! Waking up this morning it fully hit me that I don't have a job to go to. In one sense I feel like a kid again and it's Summer Vacation... the other more powerful sense is telling me to go for a swim into the Ocean and not stop. No, that's silly.

It's really strange how thinking about it now I have never gone without a job for any length of time since I was 14. True there were semesters at school where I was not working but I was in school full-time taking six courses so there wasn't much time for that. Other than that my job or schooling has been a big contributor in the way that I defined who I am. Now that, that is gone... well that's why I'm in counselling anyway, to figure out who I am and what makes me up. This is going to be great for my self-discovery.

So I'm sitting here trying to make up a to do list of tasks that will keep me busy and help accomplish my goal of getting a job. I'm thinking about going around my neighbourhood and dropping off resume's at various video stores and other types of businesses. My thinking behind this is that if I can get a part-time job that will keep me busy in the evenings as well as help me meet other people from my neighbourhood that will be a good thing. Seeing as since I moved here 10 months ago I have met very few people and know just about no one I didn't know since before I moved here.

I'm freaking out here. This really is a scary process. There is so much riding on my next moves. Thank God I only have myself to worry about.

Yes my post yesterday was serious. I really am unemployed. As is typical with me the feelings didn't surface until later in the evening and now today. Physically I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. Not pleasant, but I'm still serious when I say that I'm relieved this is over. I was given 4 weeks severance pay and then another amount for my moving costs from the Okanagan.

Well the nightmare is over. I was terminated from my job less than an hour ago. I was told that I was performing at a good level and that I was well liked by the Associates in the store but that I lacked a level of dedication that a store Manager would need to display. Ironically the last line of my termination letter was "On behalf of the Company, I would like to thank you for your service and dedication to the Hudson's Bay Company."

I don't really know what I'm feeling right now. I'm calm, relieved, upset, defeated and kinda scared. I feel as though I'm walking towards the sun at dawn. It's still dark... and will possibly be for a while but things are going to get brighter. Hopefully my next job won't involve weekends or 10+ hour days.

Last night was the night of the fucked up Zellers shoppers! Seems they all wanted to scream at a Manager. Guess who that was :S One lady insisted on speaking to the Manager when I told her she was she said no your not! I don't want to speak to another Sales Clerk I want to speak to the Manager. I said "Ma'am I know I'm the Manager, my staff know I'm the Manager and... I'm still not giving you a discount on that watch!" She huffed and she puffed... and she told me she was going to call district office and complain. I handed her a pen and said I'd get her the number! She told me she didn't have time she'd find it later. Later she calls back and was nice as pie and tried to tell me the cashier had screwed up on her receipt and charged her too much. I pulled her receipt up and told her that it looked ok to me but if she wanted she was welcome to bring everything back and we'd double check it. Needless to say we didn't see her today. Remind me sometime and I'll tell you all about the bitch with the wheelbarrow. That happend last night to! So much fun packed into one night. You can hardly imagine.

Hey, hey! Sorry to have kept you hanging with that last post. The next morning I woke up feeling much better. I'm still having some struggles though with self-esteem and just feeling low in general. I have gone to the naturalpath again just a few days ago and my mood is great though. It's interesting how sometimes your feeling great emotionally but mentally your just not all quite where your emotions dictate would be a logical place. I would assume that both mental and emotional health should be interconnected but that doesn't always seem to be the case. Regardless I'm bouncy and happy.

I finally met with the other counsellor that I wanted to try and I think I've got a match. He's an older gentleman who I just immediately felt at ease with. Really nice guy and he's expressed his willingness to walk with me through whatever comes up in the next while. I was really releaved that he is willing to muddle through things with me at the beginning at least. I don't really have any clear / set goals that I want to achieve through this counselling process aside from finding out who I am. Who is me, what are my deeply held beliefs, what makes me act and re-act the way that I do? Just talking to him already he made a very interesting observation, it's quite possible that by delving into homosexuality I was searching more for the relationships it "promised" than the physical aspects. Interesting.

Well it's Saturday morning and I just got back from the gym. I don't know if I mentioned here before or not but I've been going to the gym 6 days a week for a little over a month now. I'm loving it and it's defienetly helping me have a better outlook on life. Thanks to Janet's advice I go to the gym straigh from work now and then go home. If I go straight home with the intention of going to the gym later... well it just doesn't happen. Good thing I don't have a life anyway!

Have a Great Day! Mine's looking to be.

Weather report for wifey:

Clear Sunny approximately +12C. It's been like this for weeks now with the odd day of rain which helps settle the dust.

Man it's been a tough day. Woke-up feeling defeated and it's continued on till now. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Really nothing new to update everyone on here. Dad came down this weekend for a visit and we had a good time. On Saturday we went dream car shopping. Stopping at the Bentley - Jaguar dealership where we drooled over one of the most beautiful Aston-Martin's I've ever seen. We made other stops at the Mercedes, Infinity, and BMW dealers as well. Then we went to my store so he could get an idea of where I am everyday. After that we came home and went shopping to pick up some things for dinner. We did a typical Kits dinner, which means we went to four different stores to get the ingredients at their best and freshest. It was a delicious dinner acompanied by an excellent bottle of Willowglen wine from Austrailia. All in all an excellent day.

Oh! I just remembered I got myself a new mobile phone on Sunday. Very excited. It's the newest Samsung available from Telus. http://www.telusmobility.com/on/pcs/handset_samsung_sch_a670.shtml
Now I'm just trying to figure out what to do with all the functions.

Anyway I'm now off to bed. I'm reading "The Life Of Pi" and it's awesome. Good night.

Well I just got back from my second time attending the coming out of homosexuality group (for lack of a better name) that I decided to start attending. Quite honestly as the car got closer and closer to the church I wanted to turn around more and more. It really took a lot to go again this week. Last week was the introduction and when I left I called my Dad and said "What the fuck am I doing there? I don't belong there! These people are all LOSERS!" Reflecting upon this statement this week though I came to the realization that any one of those LOSERS could be me in a few or more years. The fact that I'm the youngest member of this group and that I'm a not so young 25 has initially made me slightly uncomfortable with this whole situation as well but now it just sort of gives me another insight. The gay world really does seem to be one dominated by youth and glamour. With my ever advancing age I believe that although this is one of the hardest times in life to try and get out of the gay lifestyle because the constant party's, sex, and fun do have a major appeal, better sooner than later. God is this going to be tough and I honestly still have doubts an fears about it. All I know is that since I have made this decision I feel as though a major load has been lifted off of me. I don't know where the future is going to take me or what the plan for my life is but I know which road it doesn't lie down anymore.