My life is over. My new Store Manager wants me to work 10 hour days. I'm a half an hour drive away from home. Working 10 hour days I don't even want to think about what kind of money I'm actually making. This is SO NOT WORTH IT!

I'm very, very tired and I have to get up at 545 tomorrow morning in order to be back at the store. Oh did I mention that I just got home :(

First day in the new store tomorrow. Tough day today. Got together and discussed Phase 2 with the other trainee's and our trainer. I found it interesting that no one wanted to discus Phase 2 when we had the chance. I think everyone was just resigned to the fact that it had been a tough phase and we were all feeling very rough. C'mon HBC show me some love for God sake.

Janet's here! I've been drunk since Saturday. I've been drinking since 730. I have to give a presentation tomorrow. I don't care. I'm working at Zeller's. I have to start work at 7 when I work morning shifts. FUCK that means I'm going to have to leave the house like around 615 every morning. God Damn.

As usual, since I last posted, life has been moving along at a rapid pace. Yesterday was my last day at the store and it was pretty good actually. Two of the cosmonauts took me for Dim Sum, which was awesome, and before that Vancouver Mom and I went for coffee. Then after Dim Sum I went out for desert with the two department heads from cosmetics and my Mentor decided to join us. I think she realized that she would have to come with us if she wanted to make it look like she wasn't relieved to be getting rid of me.

After all of the deserts and dinners I ended up once again in the office with my GSM and my HRM, the two that ripped me apart the other day. We had a good talk about what it was that they had expected of me and what they assumed I knew from what they had taught the trainee who was previously in the store. Because their phase one trainee had been properly trained for the next phase at The Bay they assumed that I should know everything they taught him coming in from Zellers. Unfortunately they were dead wrong. Because the two stores are so different and the expectations were so different at Zellers there is no way in hell that I could have been sucessful in this store. It's kind of like taking a person, putting them through the McDonald's school of training and then putting them to work in a fancy Thai restaurant. They're both restaurants but they are worlds apart.

Either way I am feeling much better about the whole situation now but I am still mad that they put me on probation. I've decided to tell everyone that I'm parole instead of probation because at least that way it sound like I at least did something bad.

Leaving the store was interesting. Even though I did have a very tough time with many aspects of the job there in the past number of months, I did make a lot of good friends. I really enjoyed the people at this store and plan on staying in touch with them. I was given an awesome gift of different skin care products and sent off with their good wishes.

Last night was an excellent night in fact. Lexi, I and an assorted number of friends got completely bombed and went dancing. We danced for about 5 hours at the club and now we're all extremely sore. It was worth it though.

Day four with under 4.5 hours of sleep. I'm a wreck.

Well it's been another exhausting day. I'm looking forward to getting the hell out of this store though. One more day, I can do it! Actually tomorrow some of the Cosmonauts (or cosmeticians as it may be) are taking me out for Dim Sum! I've never had Dim Sum before so I'm quite excited.

I realized that I forgot to tell ya'll that they did in fact tell me which store I was going to next. Well I've been exiled to Zeller's again... which isn't the worst part. The worst part is that it's one that's an hours drive from my house! So that's going to add two hours more to my day now. How wonderful.

Day three and I'm still having a very hard time with all of this. I'm trying not to let it affect me but I just can't seem to. My stomach is tied in knots, I'm getting zits and my neck muscles are so tense I can barely move. I'm just so furious at them but more at me because:

A.) They should have given me more indication.
B.) I didn't even see it coming.
C.) I've been working my ass of for the entire four months.

I am JUST SO ANGRY but I have to pretend like everything is fine for the next two days because I'm still in the same store and I WILL NOT let them know that they affected me this much. God do I want revenge.

I have cried more in the past two days than I have in the past 6 years. Today I was put on probation at work! The reasoning behind this decision is because I was unable to meet the sales targets for the ORIGINS line. I was told that I have some serious communication problems. The communication problems line was the one that hurt and astounded me the most. Communicating has always been my strong point. Take that away from me and I'm an idiot who can't add, subtract or multiply.

The only thing that is keeping me sane right now is that Pam who is also at The Bay was put on probation as well and the guy who is working at the Vancouver Downtown Bay is going to quit any day now. So of the four trainee's who were placed in The Bay this phase two have quit, and two are on probation. Oddly enough those trainee's who are at Zeller's all did fine and were able to meet and exceed their goals... which I did first phase. Makes me wonder who's doing things wrong here me or The Bay?

Completely exhausted.

I don't really know what I'm feeling right now. The whole situation is still very tough. Is it possible for one to not have the feelings of gayness that one feels and has felt for a very long time. Can you sucessfully come 'out' of the lifestyle but actually feel as though you belong in the straight world. As I have mentioned here before I absolutely hate the gayness that is a part of me and always have. I'm not comfortable with it and I don't like it. I know that it isn't naturally part of who I am and I resent the fact that it has contributed to making my life such a living hell for as long as it has. If there really is a way out of this don't I owe it to myself to at least look into it? Oddly enough I'm kind of scared about this process. Even though my family is standing behind it and say they will do anything to help, which I believe without a doubt, I just don't know. It's taken me so long to even get to the place where I am now is there anyway for me to turn things around and change what I've done. Pandora's box has been opened and now I've got to see how much of the shit is salvageable.

Whoa, rough day.

Breakfast with Dad - Good, but bad.

Counselling - Diagnosed with moderate to sever depression asked to please follow-up with a Doctor, which I will do tomorrow.

Dinner with parents - likely to be tense and scary.

I have to say this though that my Dad handled everything very well. I couldn't ask them to affirm their love for me more. They want to help me get over this which is going to lead to some interesting situations in the next little while.

Well they're in town. Yes my parents are here. I'm having breakfast with my Dad tomorrow. Sure to be interesting.

Lexi and I went over to a friend of mine's house tonight for dinner. We had a great time and everything was perfect. She cooked a Salmon and it was AWESOME! But then I'm never one to complain about food in general. So yeah I'm tired. Good night.

Most interesting customer experience I've had in a long time today. Our Men's department's payroll was slashed so badly that there were constantly short of people to work the tills today so I went and helped everytime they called. Well I could tell this guy was a fucker before he even got to my till because he was yelling to other customers that as they were the customers they were "ALWAYS RIGHT!" Even though he had no idea what they were looking for or trying to get. So anyway jackass reaches my till and as I have to "celebrate" the customers purchase I said "Oh, that's a nice sweater!" He answer's "Well I'm performing a blood sacrifice this afternoon and I needed a white sweater!" I didn't even look at him just smiled REAL BIG and said "Oh! How nice." I was really proud of myself... and yet at the same time was a little sad at how jaded I've become that an anouncement like that doesn't shock me anymore.

Tomorrow I'm going to a Bridal Show. Yes this is what I have been reduced to. When the e-mail came around asking for male volunteers to be at the show I thought "What the hell it'll get me out of the store for the day." Only today did I find out that I'll be wearing a tux all day and handing out coupons for something or another. Actually I have to laugh at this it could be interesting.

ALRIGHTY! It's time for a good ol' rant! I'm dedicating this one to a good friend in Taiwan who reminded me today that some people just love to hear a good rant every once in a while.

Today at work I was yet again reminded what a shitty company mine can be. Another trainee, though not the same type as me, was let go today. No warning, although he knew it was coming, nothing. The Regional Manager came in this morning and just essentially said your done. Then they left. So the poor guy's standing there thinking what the hell do I do now? So obviously he got his coat and went home. I thought about crying because of the whole situation. Grrr just makes me mad.

Now on to the Rant. My girls all seem to display the intelligence of rocks. It's increadible actually just how they don't seem to get it. No matter how much I tell them, no matter how much I pester them, no matter how much I coach, nothing! It drives me crazy but I know that they know I don't have the actual power to get rid of anyone at this moment and that I'll only be there for another week so it's not like I even care. The thing that makes me crazy about the whole situation is that they're going to lose their jobs and they just don't seem to care. They're so fucking stupid that they don't realize that it WILL happen and the planning is in the beginning stages for it already. I'm happy to say that in some small way I'm making it happen by having documented all of the conversations I've had with them... they should consider it my parting gift!

Yesterday for example I was heading out for a coffee break and the two that were scheduled to be there were standing around talking to one of the other Associates who was already off. For some reason she seemed to be lonely decided to stay and chat. I ignored the little tea party and left the store. about 40mins later when I returned they were all still standing exactly where I'd left them but they'd gained another! Aaarrrrggghhhhh! So as they usually scatter and pretend to be busy when I'm around I stood near the escalator and had a conversation with one of the other Sales Managers. They all saw me and yet they continued their conversation just like nothing was going on. Finally I'd had it and marched over and asked the one that was off what she was doing! She told me she was shopping. I told her it didn't look like she was as she didn't have any bags! She told me she was going to buy... wait for it... a WATCH! So go to jewellery I told her. Then I turned to include the other two in my tirade. "You girls just don't seem to understand what I'm trying to tell you! If you don't start meeting your targets soon and be at your $60/hr target year to date your gonna lose your job! Of course now they're mad at me for talking to them like that *smack forehead*. Oh I don't think that I mentioned that I had, just that day, gone over their productivity numbers and explained how dismal the situation was looking. Keeping in mind that they are supposed to be able to reach $60/hour in sales as an average and that one of them had reached the awe inspiring number of $13 last week you'd think they'd be worried. Nope. Fucking stupid. Just unreal.

Tomorrow I'm pulling them all off of the floor and I'm going to make one last ditch attempt to paint a picture for them. Why am I doing this with one week left before I go? Because I care! NOT! It's because I was told I had to. I think my Manager doesn't want to deal with the situation and that's why it's been so bad for the past year well before I took over.

The End.

Sitting here feeling strange. It finally sunk into me after a long conversation with Janet that my relationship with Jake is not right. The fact that the boy has told me he loves me a number of times and insists that I love him even though I deny it is the first sign. The second sign is that I'm not attracted to him. The third sign is that I get drunk most of the time when he is around, I know not a healthy way of dealing with it but whatever. Finally we all went to a movie tonight and I just didn't want him there. For someone that your supposed to care about and want to be with I don't think this is normal. How on earth did I end up with this guy who fell completely in love with me as the first guy I ever dated. Ahhhhh! I now have to be ready to break his heart. Janet reminded me that I am perfectly capable of being an ass-hole and that I had better do it soon. Peter told me that from his experience any guy who tells you that they love you within the first few months of being together probably has some major issues of their own. I agree.

Lots has gone on in the last week or more since I've written but it's mostly all good.

My time at my current store is winding down and I'll only be there for the next two weeks. I have essentially relinquished control of Origins to another in order for the Department Manager to see if this lady has what it takes to run the counter effectively. So I'm sort of floating at the moment just racing around trying to get last minute things done for my program. I really need to start work on my Major Presentation which goes over all of my activities and what I have learned in the last few months while at this store for some of the Company's top executives. I used to think that it was quite a big deal to be paraded around in front of these people but now... not so much. One of them seems to be out to get me as well, which is always fun. She's the bitch that asked me if I would 'bet my paycheck' on the final financial results for my area during one of her visits. The last time that she was in she "warned" me that she was going to be prepared with LOTS of questions about why the line was down 25% (considering this was the average for the line across the company I'm not all that worried about it).

Personally things are going ok. Mom and Dad are coming down to Van next week and obviously want to see me. It think it's going to be an interesting visit based on what I mentioned in my last post. So I'll be having lunch with Dad on Monday.

I finally decided to seriously take some steps about getting myself into counselling. I contacted an agency today and booked an appointment. What I want to accomplish through this is hopefully finding a place where my mind is at peace with everything that is going on in my life right now. Finding a way to deal with the constant changes, in my job, my emotional state, and state of mind would be very helpful. I am especially hopeful that I will be able to come to grips with my double-mindedness regarding relgion and my feelings of betrayal by organized religion. Why is it that I am still, even after all this time, so wound up in religious thoughts?

Jake and I are back on again. Sort of. I'm trying to navigate my way through this 'relationship' and ensure that minimal amounts of damage are done to either of us. I find it tough to deal with as Jake displays a depth of emotion for me that I cannot currently return. I believe that when I start talking with someone about this much light will be shed (sp?).

Life continues on as it always has and will. The headache is a dull throb right now as opposed to a ripping migrane and for that I am thankful.

Birthday's suck when your alone. Not that I've been alone all day or anything but it's been a bit of a tough day. Last night Sister infomed me that Mom and Dad interrogatted her about me for the entire day on the 31st. They finally realized that my life is different than they thought it was going to be. Although she did say that she was surprised by how well they took it. So when they visit in January it'll be sure to be quite a commotion.

Today Lexi and I went shopping in Richmond. Yesterday I was in such a mood to shop that I went and spontaneously bought a DVD player. Not that we havn't been needing one and been thinking about it for a while but still! And today I was supposed to go and look for some pants and stuff but as we walked around the mall I was just beyond the point of caring about clothes.
About this time Peter called me and wanted to know if I would like to meet him downtown for a drink. So I went as I was curious to meet the new guy that he's seeing. Turns out that new guy is quite middle aged and very rich. Interesting how Peter get's himself into these relationships. So anyway visited with them and a few of the boyfriends friends for a while and ended up doing a muff dive shot at the place we were at (if you don't know what it is then don't ask) because it was my birthday and all. Peter and I made plans to get together on Tuesday.

After visiting with Peter I made my way home picking up the cake that my Mom had ordered me from Safeway and paid for it... not thinking that Mom had already paid for it. So I came home ate some dinner and then Lexi called and said that I should come over to her Sister's house. She then came and picked me up and we went over, stopping at Safeway on the way in order get my money back for the cake!

Now I am home and feeling very tired. But I should mention New Year's breifly. New Year's was a blast. We had a small gathering here at the apartment and everyone was just smashed drunk. Jake was here and ended up spending the night *smack - myself in the head* but I'm sure things will be fine. Now I'm going to bed.