So tired. That's all I could think all day but when I went for a nap do you think I could sleep? Nope. Not at all. This is a highly irritating issue that has pretty much plagued me my whole life. Not napping is very tough because you can get so tired but can't do anything about it. I drank red wine. It effectively eased the tension in my neck and back that was causing the headache and has got me warm and ready for bed. Yay!

My final presentation this morning went well and considering that I was not prepared for it at all I think we did pretty darn good. I took a book to class and read through everyone else's presentations because they were honestly quite boring. There are only so many presentations you can see in the course of 24 hours before you start to care less.

On the agenda for tomorrow is handing in a final quiz and then my Mother is coming down to visit. Likely going to be an irritating visit but then they all are with her lately. I think my sister may come down with her as well though so that should make it much more bearable.

My friend R from Vernon called me tonight. It was very nice of him to do so. He's really struggling with what direction to take his life in. He trained as a Pastor but has been unable to get any work in that field since he graduated a couple of years ago and is getting rather despondent. I tried to encourage him as much as I could and told him that things would work out. I know they will eventually and that he is going to be an amazing Pastor. I really like him and hope that things work out for him and his family.

Well I should likely get to sleep soon. Oh the room-mate started working today! I'm so happy. I think that he may actually work tomorrow as well and won't be in my hair all day! How glorious.

I just finished my second to last ever presentation for the business program. I'm pretty darned happy about it. A whole bunch of people from the class went out to Kelly O's after for appies. Had a pretty good time. I can't wait till this is over.

I have firmly decided that I will not be going to Europe in May. Unfortunately the timing that I was thinking of didn't work out for R&S not to mention the fact that I was starting to stress out thinking about getting a loan to go. With return plane tickets costing upwards of $1,300CDN I decided that I would rather wait and go when I'm more settled financially. I don't want to have anything more than a car loan hanging over my head when I start my new job.

As I am not going to Europe I think that May will see me heading to Alberta to visit family and friends in the Calgary area for about a week. Then I'm going to spend the rest of my time driving my new car around the Okanagan and taking in all this area has to offer. Who knows I may end up having to move to Vancouver and May could very well be spent looking for accommodations there. We'll see.

What amazing weather we've been having. Yesterday for the birthday party it was an amazing 20dg. After the party my sister and I went to visit the Answer Man for a while, then I went to PD's house and she gave me a massage. I had never had one before and it was quite nice but I don't completely see why people get so worked up about them.

A presentation tonight, one tomorrow morning, hand in a group take-home quiz and I'm finito! School is finished. Yay! I'm so happy. The fact that my one and only exam is next Tuesday is also wonderful as that means I'll be totally finished soon.

Now that I already have a bunch of free time on my hands I'm starting to feel a little bit lonely. I really don't have all that many people to hang out with once school is over. So far. I'm going to start being a little more aggressive in meeting people now that I have the time.

Well I got the job! I'm so relieved and so very happy about the whole situation. It's even nicer because the whole store (that I currently work at) is very happy and excited for me. The Managers have been announcing to everyone they know, not to mention in the morning meetings, that one of "our people, from our store" was accepted into the program. That definitely makes me feel as though I have made the right choice. Either way I'm thrilled.

Currently I'm waiting for them to send me an official letter of acceptance, which should arrive this week, with this letter in hand I will happily run off to the bank and secure a loan and then go to Holland. I'm also considering a couple of other places in the vicinity that I would like to see. The tentative date of departure is May 1st, depending on the available flights etc. I will be making a visit to my local travel cutz.

Well tonight I went to church and as always I was thoroughly angry by the time I left. I wonder if I should just stop going entirely. I seem to be much happier when I'm not around the church crowd. Enough musing about this now.

I also found out at church that a dear elderly friends husband died in Three Hills on Tuesday. This man was almost singlehandedly responsible for starting the modern church in Chad. Amazing people and it's always sad when they are split apart by death. It is a time to celebrate though because he was definitely ready to be with the Lord. And I'm sure his wife will have an easier life as a result.

Tomorrow I'm planning on heading to Vernon again for a good friends birthday celebration. It should be a nice time. Then I think I'm going to have coffee with the Answer Man before I come home. We're both looking into buying new vehicles so we'll have lots to chat about.

What do you do when you discover that a person is not what they first seemed to be? I'm struggeling with how to react / respond to a friend that has been surprising me alot lately with they're reactions and behaviours.

So the group did a good job of finishing off the final project for Strat. Man. after I designated the sections they were supposed to do. I think that I learned a valuable lesson about delegation from this last project.

Oh we got cable back! Yay! It's only basic cable but it's something for me to watch non-the-less. I'm pacified.

I spent a lot of money today on a lot of crap that I have needed for a while but have been putting off buying because I was too busy. You know the types of purchases, cleaning supply's, socks, toiletries. Fun stuff anyway's. I did buy myself a new T-shirt though as well. Nice 'RL Polo' for $15. It was good to go shopping. I love shopping.

Just got back from Mom and Dad's. I'm tired. Mom first told me that she didn't like my haircut, then that I looked like Bill Gates!??? I don't get it. I think she's insane.

I ate way to much chocolate and other junk today. I want to go swimming tomorrow but I think that I'll wait until after my class is over and go in the afternoon.

I'm tired and going to bed. I'm also going to sleep in... till 8!

It is so hard to get any work done right now. I'm excited because school is almost over and it's so clear and sunny out there right now. Arrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhh! The torture. So instead of doing homework I'm listening to Tony Bennet and wishing my final Strategic Management assignment will complete itself. Actually I'm thinking about sending an e-mail to my group telling them that I've done more than my part and that it's up to them to get the thing completed and handed in. I'm not the one that needs the 10% that this thing is worth. That's a terrible attitude. I likely won't do that. I'm far to nice. No I just like work.

I'm actually looking forward to doing nothing for a couple of weeks once school is done. I don't think I've ever had a long period of time to just do nothing. It'll be an interesting experience for me. How will I fill my time? I'm thinking about sleeping a lot. Probably won't though, I've never been a good long term sleeper. Maybe I'll take to... hrmph I have no idea. Gee I'll have to think about this one...

J asked me an interesting question tonight. She said "What are we going to do after school?" While considering the fact that I have never not been in school I wasn't really sure how to answer that. Kind of a scary prospect actually. Of course there are all sorts of service clubs and things that I would like to get into but then I ask myself what would be the point? I'll be interested to see what I end up doing.

Don't think I've mentioned this before. I am trying to do things that are uncharacteristic of me. So I went and got a new haircut. After 18 years of the same haircut it's different. Reviews are mixed. People at work said nothing for the most part aside from "it's not you", J told me that she's worried that she's going to "lose me to some chick", my sister told me it looks the same as my last haircut only flatter, and my Dad didn't notice. I'm reasonably happy with it though. For those of you in the audience you should know that this haircut involves growing my hair out. I'm sure you'll be thrilled.

Good Night!

Feeling emotionally vulnerable tonight. I got the mark back from S for the interview that I did on the Answer Man and was irritated to see that I only got 75%. I thought that I had done a very good interview but apparently I didn't put enough Visuals into it or take enough risk in it. What a friggin joke. If I wanted to learn to write like a journalist I would have taken journalism not business.

So after I got the e-mail from the teacher I felt like kind of a loser, especially after finding out that a number of people had done much better than I had even though I had edited their papers. I felt really hurt and started to really want to chocolate. This triggered a thought about a conversation I had in counseling (this week was the last session for a number of weeks, seems I'm sufficiently self-aware now to go it on my own for a while and see what happens) apparently whenever I am hurt I try and cover that pain by doing something. I used to just block it totally and deny that it existed or that whatever it was that hurt me mattered. Well I guess that I'm not doing that as much anymore because now I'm craving chocolate a lot. No apparent reason other than it's comforting. Of course it will make me fat so I'm trying to figure out a way of coping that doesn't turn into a compulsion of addiction. Personally I'm glad that I recognize this because it means that things are improving and that I may actually be learning.

I'm procrastinating.

Feeling REALLY mean tonight. I have just got home from work and am sitting here waiting for my group from school to come over to work on our final assignment. I really hope that I don't lose it on someone!

Today work was fine but all the Managers coming up and asking me if I'd heard anything about the Mgt. Training Program yet or not really started to get to me. I'm stressed out waiting for this already stop asking me about it. I appreciate them asking of course but...

My room-mate and his girlfriend are really bugging me this weekend as well. Just their mere presence is enough to set me on edge. I think I just need to have fewer people around right now. Trying to stay calm.

It's an absolutely stunning day. Blue skies, green grass, sweet smelling air. I'm staying at the computer for most of this afternoon and then I work until 5. Oh well only a couple of days left. Of actual mind exerting effort anyways.

So for months I've been wondering how my roommate manages to live the lifestyle he does having been unemployed for about 9 months now. Well the other day the cable was cut off! He had the audacity to tell me that it was a blessing in disguise because he wasn't going to be here much once work in Vernon started anyway!. I told him that because it was in the rental agreement that I signed when I moved in that he was going to have to do something about it. So far I pulled out the bunny ears that I have and put them on my TV. I only get one channel but it's better than nothing. I actually feel guilty pinning for television but I console myself by saying that I read enough for school already that it's just not enjoyable for pleasure.

I went running this morning at the gym. I love getting the blood flowing like that in the morning. Makes me much more efficient for the rest of the day.

Now I'm off to be efficient!

I'm so excited I can barely contain myself. Talking with my Dad last night he pointed out that I don't have to worry about April and May at all. If and when I get an offer from X company for employment all I have to do is go down to my bank, show them the letter, tell them I have no debt and they'll ask how much do you need!

If that is actually what happens I'm GOING TO EUROPE! Oh, and I'm buying a new car. So excited. Just have to finish off the last two weeks of school. I don't think I mentioned earlier and I'm sure my readers won't know but OUC was taken over by UBC. Doesn't help me at all because the degree doesn't change until 2005.

Today I have a presentation. I have a counseling appointment before that. Then I have lots of homework to do.

I went swimming this morning. The Rec center is packed with old people. It's interesting to listen to them in the change room. This morning they went from discussing the financial woes of the Okanagan Symphony orchestra to how Canada is ultimately ungovernable. I badly wanted to contribute but I just didn't have the time. I am still considering what sort of athletic activity I'm going to start. I want to do something interesting. I'm thinking about triathelons because I have been running and swimming for quite a while now so all that leaves would be learning to ride a bike again. It's been a long time since I was on a bike last.

I feel as though I have had a very efficient day. I like efficient days. I was just doing a little research on the car that I plan to buy after a few months of employment. The fabulous Acura RSX is what I'm aiming for. I'm planning on getting a 2001 or 2002 model year that has just come off lease, been serviced by the dealer, and is fabulously RED! So far my research has confirmed that this car would be a very good bet. I can't wait to ditch the Probe.

In other news I talked to my Grandparents in Saskatchewan tonight and found out that Grandpa got the internet. Unbelievable! He had to go find his e-mail address as he didn't realize that I used the internet so I sent him what was possibly his first e-mail. I'm sure he'll be thrilled.

Ok I'm bored with this. Good Night!

Greetings! I've had a rather productive day so far. I went to the gym this morning. Then I went to work. Now I'm home killing time for a bit and then I'm going back to school.

A thought occurred to me today. My TA position is coming to an end because I'm almost at the 120 hours for the semester allowed by the Union. Classes are done at the end of the month, and then I only have my part-time job at X company to hold me over. If I get the management trainee program then I will have to wait for two months until it starts. What do I do for two months to keep me busy. More importantly where is the money going to come from. I could go and try and get another job but what would be the point if I was going to leave in two months? I may have to look into going on the road again for a couple months if Dad has any work for me but he just hired someone, so I may be out of luck. This is going to require some thinking.

Well it's off to supper then class now.

Wow I'm tired. Today was a long day where I really didn't do anything. I ended up at the coffee shop and ran into my friend the crazy lady. She was kind of mad at me for not having seen her for months. What can I say, I'm busy and she's crazy.

Speaking of crazy, it was an absolutely gorgeous sun drenched day here today so J decided that she was going to sun bathe in a bikini on her front lawn. Then she decided to go for a walk wearing the bikini, a big button up shirt (that wasn't buttoned up), a pair of shorts with holes in them, and flip-flops. Long story short she caused a commotion at the coffee shop when she eventually ended up there! We stayed for a while and while we were there the sun went down, and the wind started to blow. Naturally I asked her to walk back to my place, which was closer, so I could drive her home. I also wanted to torture my desperate little room-mate. Again long story short she paraded around the apartment, then we went for supper at the pub. It just happened. Then I drove her home. Lots of weird looks today.

Well anyways gotta go to bed.

Been a really busy week. Classes at the beginning of the week and Thursday night I went to the O.B.S.A's Business Banquet. It was at The Grand and was really fun. I had talked my Manager at X company into buying a ticket ($65) and she sat with my Dad and I so I am soooooooooooooooooooooo in now. The evening speaker was Silken Lawman the female Olympic rower (who at times looks like a man) and her message was really good.

J was sitting at another table and ended up getting pretty drunk. So naturally we went back to her place and drank some vodka before heading out to the bar (no I wasn't hammered, not even remotely drunk actually) we danced for a while with a bunch of other people who were at the banquet as well and then I went home. A good time had by all.

This weekend I ended on the College's hiring committee, which meant that I had to sit through interviews of potential professors for two days. Yay. We finally came down to a decision yesterday night and it's now over. Haven't been able to do any homework at all yet. So this afternoon I'm going to try and get some things done.

Will write soon... so busy.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Sunday morning. I'm killing time before I go to church. Haven't been to church on a Sunday morning in months. It's actually kind of a nice change.

Last night I ended up having my group for class over and we worked on our case study. We actually got a lot done. I had bought a cake earlier so after the case was done we sat around and had cake. Actually ended up having quite a good time. I then went to bed early as I had started work at X company at 7:45 yesterday morning and had gone steady since then.

Well it's time for me to go to church, then work, then J is making me supper! Then I have tons to do for school.

I'm sipping an entirely acceptable Cabernet Sauvingnon, working on my Strategic Management Group project, and listening to INXS Greatest Hits, fantastic band if nothing else.

Today was the day that I walked out of work with three pairs of Polo jeans... you see they were on sale for $24.99 and I couldn't resist. I bought myself two pairs and one for my Dad. I'm sure he'll enjoy them, not because they're Polo but because they're cheap! And if he's all about nothing else, he's all about cheap! Yay cheap.

Well I went to my Naturalpath yesterday and he loaded me up with another $150+ of natural medications to keep me feeling lovely. He gave me a bunch of stuff for my sinuses and it's incredible but after months of not being able to breath without the aid of a nasal spray I woke up this morning breathing and feeling reasonably good. So I went swimming. Then I didn't feel so good. Stupid exercise. Anyways back to the Naturalpath, I insisted they give me another shot of the seretonin drops that keep me sane because I really don't want to be depressed again. I just can't handle the depths that I fall to. Hopefully by the time that I finish this bottle it will be spring and I won't have as much of a problem. I've never really noticed being totally depressed in the summer.

I gave the lady at the Rec. Center my Student card, now complete with sticker, and she was surprised at the sticker they had given me. I honestly think that she thought I was just trying to rip the Rec. Center off. If it wasn't such a good deal for three months I just might have been offended.

Stuff keeps piling up at an alarming rate. If there wasn't just four more weeks of school left I'd actually be worried. I can handle this pace for another four more weeks, write my ONE exam (this is the only time in my school career I've had fewer than three exams in a semester) and then take a break. I think that a break for me is likely going to involve working and doing little else. My friend J told me that she couldn't see me quitting work and going on vacation. Just said it struck her funny.

Well I should go back to working on my group project then go to bed at an early hour because I work early tomorrow morning.

Bye.

Third interview went well. It's interesting the Manager of company Z seemed more professional than the Regional Manager of X company that I had my last interview with. Like the last interview this one was very short and somewhat informal. I still think that I already have the job. Well see though there is still one more interview to go.

I am really glad that today is over. After the terrible presentation this afternoon I came home and wrote my team an e-mail thanking them for the work they have put in so far and encouraging them that we will do better next time. I hope that I'll be able to learn to lead people better by way of working hard at it as well as working out the issues in my head.

Today I learned I have roles that I try to define myself with. These roles, workaholic, perfectionist, and Judge, were ingrained in my thinking while growing up. I don't completely understand or know what is at my core because I use these roles to determine my thinking and acting most of the time. Writing this is difficult because I haven't really had any time to think about this as of yet.

I think I mentioned before that whenever I'm in a session near the end I start to feel as though someone has kicked me in the balls. The feeling is so intense and disturbing that learning to deal with it is going to take some. My friend N from San Francisco called me tonight (Yay!) and I was discussing this because she had gone through a number of years of counseling and she told me this feeling is normal. Trying to cope and deal with all the things being dredged up in your mind can be overwhelming but it will get better. I was really glad that I got to talk with her because as far as I know I don't really have anyone to relate to about this. It was good to have some confirmation that I'm not the only one this stuff happens to. I miss her.

I feel freaked. I don't know how to explain it any better than that. I really feel like I did the day that I got drunk, and I almost want to again. I realize fully now that the counseling sessions are causing me a great deal of emotional stress. Unfortunatly even though it's bad stress I believe the end result will be reasonable. I have discovered a great deal about myself today that I need to change and will have to think about. The only problem is that I have so much to do that I just can't seem to get around to it. I have to go to my job interview now.

Well it's been quite the day. Thank God it's over. It was a pleasant day and nothing went wrong or anything I'm just tired. Tomorrow is looking to be even more fun. Starting off by getting my fat ass over to the gym. Then going to my next counseling appointment. Then I give a presentation in one of my classes. And finally my third interview at X company. Somewhere in there I have to read another case for one of my classes. Good thing I like to be busy.

Oh the water for my tea is boiling...

Currently I am in the middle of marking over a hundred assignments for my 2nd year class. I can't believe most of them graduated from high school. The grammar is horrendous.

I am definitely tired already I can't think of much more to write here. I am going to go sit in my lounger and mark at least two more papers then do some pleasure reading. Hopefully I can be in bed by 10:30 at the latest.

My nose is stuffed. For the past two weeks my sinuses have been completely clogged unless I snort a nasal spray. Well this morning I forgot to spray. Now I'm at school breathing through my mouth. Cannot wait to get home to snort up the medicine.

Well this morning being the 1st of March I decided that I would make good on my initiative to get back in shape. I got up at the un-Godly hour of 7 and made my way over to the pool. I swam for about half an hour and then considering the risk that my heart was going to go into arrest I decided it would be wise to get out of the pool and go home. I did enjoy being active again though. I stopped by the desk on my way out and got a schedule and pass information for the rec center and it turns out that a pass for the pool and weight room are dirt cheap for students! Yay!

This week is really starting to fill up way faster than I thought. Thankfully it looks like I'm going to be really busy. I have my Third interview with X company on Wednesday night at 7. I talked to the interviewer this afternoon and he was very pleasant over the phone. What I have heard about him from my manager is that he is operating one of the most profitable stores in the Province and that he is a really nice guy. Here's hoping.

Well anyways not much else to report. I should get back to marking now. Marking is a very interesting experience. I try to keep out of my mind how much of the students overall mark the paper that I am grading them for is. I find that way I don't get all worried about them hating me. If you turn in shitty work, your going to get an equally shitty mark.

Now with the battle cry of 'No Mercy!' I'm back at it.