Sick

The fact that I’m not working this week has possibly turned out to be a good thing.  I’m getting sick.

Fuck You for Coming Here!

I’m having a hard time keeping my cool tonight.  I’m not even sure what set me off but I realized just how frustrated I was when I caught myself swearing at the top of my lungs at The Apprentice tonight.  No reason at all for me to get that frustrated over a TV show.  Then The Baron walked in and pronounced that it was the stupidest show on TV and I just about went off on him to!

I’m contemplating going to Calgary this weekend.  The Baron is driving up on Friday and I would stay with my friend Sarah and then fly home on Sunday.  I was originally thinking about going to Vancouver but Peter is going through some stuff and I don’t think it would be good for me to be around.  Mostly because he may have an effect on me.  So I’m contemplating going to Calgary even though I know that I really can’t afford it but I really need to get the hell out of here again.

This week I’m hardly working.  Lots of free time, I don’t work tomorrow or Friday and the other two days I only work about half a day.  Even though this should sound great I do not like the fact that I’ve got all this time to sit around thinking.

artist: Brad Paisley Lyrics

song : When I Get Where I'm Going (Feat. Dolly Parton)

When I get where I'm going
On the far side of the sky
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly

I'm gonna land beside a lion
And run my fingers through his mane
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

(Chorus:)
Yeah when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I'm going
Don't cry for me down here

I'm gonna walk with my grand daddy
And he'll match me step for step
And I'll tell him how I missed him
Every minute since he left
Then I'll hug his neck

(Chorus:)
Yeah when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I'm going
Don't cry for me down here

So much pain and so much darkness
In this world we stumble through
All these questions I can't answer
So much work to do

But when I get where I'm going
And I see my maker's face
I'll stand forever in the light
Of his amazing grace
Yeah when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
Hallelujah
I will love and have no fear
When I get where I'm going
Yeah when I get where I'm going

I found this song online a week or so ago and I absolutely love it. It's a little depressing but overall it speaks to me of hope.

I did not end up going to the College and Career group tonight and instead went to hang with my Kelowna friends. I figure that I will go to the CnC one night but I prefer to go on a night when they actually have an event planned so I don't have to entertain myself. The fact that these kids are all so young is really a stumbling block for me. The Baron said well 26 really isn't all that far from 20 to which I replied that's true but the life experiences we've had are light years away already.

Choices that suck.

Ugh, what do I do now?  Was invited to a ‘party’ with the College and Career group at my Parents church tonight (I know this was a forced invite because I’m sure my Mom asked the kid to call me (how pathetic am I?)) or I could go to Kelowna and attend church with some friends there and then go out for appies.  I know which one I would prefer to do but I wonder if maybe I should go to the one here to possibly meet some of the people from town.  I generally really dislike College and Career ‘parties’ though.  The fact that I’m no longer in College and don’t really have a Career doesn’t help.  Ugh, just bound to be a gross situation either way.

Home

It hit me yesterday afternoon.  I was wondering why I was feeling all grumpy and irritable when I was so close to the end of the trip and would be going home.  There’s nothing to be home for!

Help! Companies need workers.

Everything that could possibly have went wrong in Mackenzie did.  Overall the trip went fine though.

Well I’m back at Starbucks in PG.  I’m looking forward to moving on out tomorrow and heading to Quesnel.  Tonight my rant has to do with the job market again.  Man Power the recruiting agency released a warning today that certain sectors of the economy are facing sever shortages.  Naturally these areas just happen to be the areas that I’m looking for a job in and that’s could be really frustrating.  Why I say that it could be frustrating is because I’m trying a new approach to the whole thing.  One of the books that I just finished reading Your Best Life Now by Joel Osteen (a life changing book, for me anyway) made the point that God’s timing is not ours.  I’ve seen this before in my life so knowing that I’m where I’m supposed to be helps keep the frustration at bay.

In other news I’m quickly becoming addicted to the new Canadian soap Falcon Beach.  I’ve been downloading episodes and it’s really quite good.

TIME HAS STOPPED!

Someone call the National Research Council!  Time has stopped.  It seems to have completely stopped for the past four years in Mackenzie!  Seriously, I drove into town today and although I haven’t been here in four years EVERYTHING is the same.  I drove straight to my chosen restaurant and was stunned that they’re still using the exact same menu.  I guess the thinking must be why change if you’ve got a winner.  Although to be fair I did notice one major change at the restaurant, they’re using square plates now!  Toot, toot for the Merebello!

My usual hotel the lovely Williston Lake Lodge has done a few reno’s and the hotel room is much nicer than many I stay in and they have wireless internet.  While chatting with the manager upon checking in I was explaining my frustration with finding internet access while travelling through Alberta, to which she replied “I know we were staying in Westlock for a month and I couldn’t get access anywhere and just about went out of my mind so the first thing I did when I got back here was buy a wireless router”.

For some reason I’m really tired tonight and I’m tossing around the idea of calling it an early night.  My start time tomorrow is 530 which means that I’ll have to get up around 445 which really doesn’t make me happy.  I think I’ll watch Desperate Housewives and download Grey’s Anatomy tomorrow.

Muhammad is... Gay?

(Please don't set me on fire or proclaim a jihad against me for the title of this post if you will read on you'll realize that it really doesn't make any sense and is just something that I'm using to get people to read my post! )

Ok, this whole Muhammad cartoon issue is just WAY out of hand. I just read an article, about the whole fiasco, from the New York Times below. I finally googled the cartoons out of sheer curiosity and it must just be my ignorance about some aspect of the issue but I really don’t understand what big deal is. I’m tempted to post them on my blog as many others are doing just to support the notion of free speech but frankly I just couldn’t be bothered.

While I’m in controversial subject mode – I watched Brokeback Mountain last night. I really have to say that I after watching it I’m completely astounded about the controversy / rave reviews this film is generating. I have just read differing reviews from Plugged In a Focus on the Family publication and the New York Times Movie Review (apparently I really like the New York Times) I tried to find a review of the film on gay.com but ironically they don’t have one. Ironic because they have vast amounts of web-space devoted to the actors, premise, ground breakingness of the film but no actual review. I don’t think that any of the reviews of this film that I read actually do it justice. So with that in mind I’ll share some of my thoughts.

The scenery in the film is absolutely astounding, especially at the beginning when they are out herding sheep. The soundtrack just irritated me, constant picking at a guitar just doesn’t do it for me I suppose. As an actor Heath Ledger truly does deserve an Oscar for his performance in the film.

Frankly while beautiful and well acted the film almost verged on boring me. I didn’t really see it as the tragic love story that many activists would have us believe it is but I also didn’t see it as a threat to modern society as many right wing organizations would like us to. If anything the film should be viewed as exposing gay love for what it is - impossible and torturous. I had absolutely no sympathy for the two men in the film but rather my heat cried out for their families.

The argument is made that because of the time period the characters didn’t have any other choices but I would disagree. If they really were all that interested in being together and they really were as in love as they believed themselves to be then somehow they could have made it work.

The overall mood the movie left me in was irritation. Irritation over the fact that I had plunked down $9.50 to go and see this movie that ultimately left me very unsatisfied. Ang Lee can I have my Money back?

I've been reading various books lately that deal with my personal situation and as each of them talks about eventual freedom I know that I've still got some deep seated hatred or anger or someting(!) going on that I have to deal with but I don't know how to or even what it actually is. I just know that it has something to do with the church... or rather the people it is made up of and that until I get that figured out I'm likely not going to be able to make a huge amount of progress.

Northern Money...

How does a Northern Economy work?  I am at a loss as to try and explain it and it’s really starting to bug me.  Take the Price George Tim Horton’s for example (the one on they high-way across from the Spruce Land Mall) everyday since I’ve got here I’ve gone there in the morning to get breakfast and lunch.  EVERY SINGLE TIME they’ve got some aspect of my lunch wrong.  I’ve asked for no tomatoes (they makes my sandwich soggy by the time I’m ready to eat it) and I’ve got tomatoes.  I ask for tuna, I get chicken.  I ask for a chocolate glaze and I get… a regular glaze.  This is not hard people!  I’m currently sitting in Starbucks (yeah, I know I’m a Starbucks whore) drinking my Venti Strawberry Lemonade Frappuchino that I got for free because they screwed up my drink order the other day (Personal De-café Americano) and made me wait forever.

Whenever you talk to anyone about the current state of the Northern economy you invariably hear tales of the insane money that people are making.  This seems to be the prevailing excuse across BC and Alberta for why service in fast food and restaurants is so deplorable even though these companies are paying $10 and up.  The argument seems to be that everyone is getting all these big money jobs and there’s no one to work the crappy fast food jobs.  Well how can that be when it’s just physically impossible for everyone to do these big money jobs; not to mention that many people don’t really even want these jobs for various reasons.

So that ends my query about the Northern economy if anyone can explain it to me I’d love to know why it’s impossible to get good, hell I’d settle for competent, service in the North.  Meanwhile I’m going to sit back and wait for my big money Northern job to call.

Starbuckian Angst

“Get rhythm, when you get the blue, c’mon get rhythm when you get the blues…” The sounds of Johnny Cash float through the air, the intoxicating scent of dark roasted coffee two step up my nose, people in Prince George speak Italian, ‘I ASKED FOR A GRANDE!’ And I’m starting to think that I am spending too much time in Starbucks.  

Last night, courtesy of Starbucks, I very amusedly watched a first date.  It was horrifying.  The first year College / University boy trying to wit his date into submission was wearing a green shirt that stated in huge block letters I’m a Keeper.  He was one of those very animated first years who kept bouncing around in his chair and drew lots of attention to himself.  I had to keep my eyes fixed on my computer screen because I just about burst into hysterical laughter.  Happily, for him, the antics seemed to be paying off and his date seemed to be having a good time… I just wonder how long before he’ll wear off on her.

Past two days have been long, making up for the very lax schedule I’ve had for the past few weeks.  Thursday was 13 hours and today was 10.5.  Happily tomorrow is only about 4 or 5 but it starts at 6 and I forgot / can’t find my toque so I actually have to get up and have a shower and deal with my hair.

Having a rough go of it.

I am really having a rough time right now.  I just seemed to start this trip off in the wrong frame of mind and it’s just not changing, even though I’m doing all I know to change it, so that is really frustrating.  I want to cry, scream, give up, and just go away in general.

Happy Singles Awareness Day!

Well everyone Happy Singles Awareness Day! What a fucking stupid excuse to buy a bunch of shit. As I’m sure you can tell I’m not in the greatest mind-set right now to want to deal with this day. I ended up going to McDonalds for supper again tonight. My first choice was Earl's and when I walked in and had to give my name for a table for one I kept scratching my head and asking myself why in hell there was such a huge wait and why all these couples were standing around... wait... wait... look at my watch... wait... the date on the watch finally registers and I turn on my heel and leave not wanting to be the only person in Earl's tonight on my own. Even though I have a perfectly legitamite reason.

I’m in Prince George and found out the hotel that I’m staying in doesn’t have net access! How could I be so stupid as to make reservations somewhere and not check to make sure they have net access? So I’m sitting at Starbucks using the hotspot network. Now in order to do this I called Telus on my cell and asked them how I could get access cheaper then the outrageous $10 charge they want for an hour. Wouldn’t you know it I signed up for monthly service for $25. The first month is free and I can cancel it after the first month if I find that I don’t use it… which I’m sure I won’t as this is really the first time I’ve ever needed it and that’s because cancelling the room and moving to a hotel that I usually stay in with access would mean they would charge a fee and the boss really wouldn’t like that. So while the concept of the hotspot is fantastic it’s just to bloody expensive. If it was $2.50 for an hour I’d more than happily fork that over, but not $10. So now that I have access what to do? Well update the blog, check the e-mail accounts, finish downloading a TV show I wanted to watch, maybe chat a bit with some friends if they’re on and that’s about it.

I’ve been in a really frustrated frame of mind all day actually. Even though the jobs went fine I feel really emotional. I think part of the reason is that this time every year for the past like 5 years I’ve gone down to Vancouver to blow off steam and just hang out with friends. Doesn’t look like it’s going to happen for a while though which is to bad. Is it ok to admit that I’m lonely? On Valentines no less.



Is it also ok to want to go over and bitch slap the people giggling together over their stupid fucking steamed milks?

Those Days

Ever have one of those days where you just wish it was tomorrow?  Those days where you just exist… today has been one of those.

The grass is as green as it needs to be!

Tomorrow I leave for a two week jaunt through Northern BC hitting all the high spots with a visit to my absolute favourite of all BC towns (insert highly sarcastic tone here) Mackenzie.  Everyone working for our company has a particular place they irrationally hate, for some it’s Trail, others it’s Fort Nelson (which is a close second for me), but for me Mackenzie definitely takes first prize.  I think it’s because Mackenzie was the first trip I ever did when I was 18 and lets just say that the experience scarred me.  So thankfully I’m only in Mackenzie for a night or two then I’ll be back to normal society.

Last night thoughts of life in Vancouver really came back to me hard and resulted in disturbing dreams all night.  The dreams weren’t disturbing in the typical sense of horror or whatever else a disturbing dream connotes but rather they focused on all the good times I had and omitted any reference to the bad times.  Needless to say by the time I woke up I was almost let down to see that I’d awoke next to Okanagan Lake in Vernon, poor me.  It’s funny what our subconscious can try and tell us.

I am dying to go out and party right now though.  The recent bout of sitting at home watching movies on weekends just isn’t really doing it for me anymore.  I need a little fun and excitement.  I really think a trip to Vancouver is in order.

The grass is as green as it needs to be!  A good mantra to remember.

Horrors! Horrors!

The test results left me with a cold feeling of horror; like I had just slipped on a large dead squid or something.  “That absolutely can’t be correct” I told the Nurse.  Alas though, she confirmed that it was.  February 10, 2006 will forever go down as the day that I was told by my Naturopath that I was allergic to… COFFEE!


Let the dirge begin.





PS – I’m highly suspect of this diagnosis though because I’ve never knowingly had a reaction to coffee (the caffeine is another story) so I’m going to call and get them to explain more to me about what the hell they’re saying.  I’m not giving this one up with-out at least a half-hearted fight.

We're getting a bout of absolutely amazing weather here in the Okanagan. Looking outside you'd swear it was Summer... well aside from the general nakedness of the trees. I was in Penticton area yesterday and I took a few phenomenal pictures, of Skaha lake and the general conditions, with my phone but due to a Telus error (which was a result of having sent my phone in for repairs) they are lost in cyberspace now.

After a fairly busy and VERY tiring week today was a very short day for which I'm grateful. A Doctors appointment and then Pizza with The Baron then coffee with a friend. I think I'm going to play racketball with my Dad too. It's a good day.

I'm not trying to piss you off man!

I had a headache and I was really in no mood for stupidity.  So when Andrew walked in for his appointment eating a muffin and drinking a Pepsi® at 9 this morning I wasn’t really impressed.  I told him that he would have to do something about his food because he was here for work and it wasn’t a break.  To which he replied “well I was just finishing my break and the Foreman told me to come over here!”  “That’s really not my problem now is it?”  I asked.  He decided that he would go wait outside until he was finished his snack.  I started working with another guy and about 2 minutes into what I was doing Andrew wrenched open the door to the truck (which requests very clearly in large turquoise letters ‘Please DO NOT OPEN DOOR’) and walked back in.  At this point I was seething.  “Obviously you can’t read?” I said; “I didn’t see it!...  I’m not trying to piss you off man!”  It was the second half of that statement that made me realize that I was TOTALLY blowing the situation out of perspective and really I was the one with the problem not Andrew he was just a dumb kid who really didn’t know any better.  

After I was finished with Andrew I wrote down I’m not trying to piss you off man! On a piece of paper and left it on my desk.  It really was a good reminder for the rest of the day whenever I was starting to get snarky for no good reason that the problem was mine and not the people I was working with.

'Interesting' People

Today I had two interesting “Customers” one walked into the back of the truck did what she needed to then turned, stared at the back wall with a very confused look on her face and asked “how do I get out of here?”  I just pointed to the door that she had used to enter, with what I suppose was a look of incredulity on my face.  The second ‘special’ person that I saw started ranting about WCB to me and a claim that they had denied him 8 years earlier.  He literally talked about it for 20 minutes after I had said good-bye.  I even started cleaning my desk and putting things away and tried to ignore him and that didn’t even get him out faster.  If he hadn’t have been the father-in-law of the owner of the company that I was at I would have told him to go away because I didn’t care much sooner.

Getting Intimate...

Today was spent doing very little of anything.  I attended church with my parents as it was a special service to celebrate the retirement of the Pastor and his wife who have been there for 15 years meaning that they are pretty much the only Pastoral significance I’ve ever had.  They are fantastic people but I’m looking forward to a Pastor who is actually a better preacher.  

After church I had lunch with Sister at Starbucks and then I came home.  Spent the afternoon divided between the computer and some reading.  The Baron and I just had a light supper and now I’m here.

Thinking about some of the events of the past while and the causes for some of my actions I think that I’ve pinpointed a major desire.  My life is, and has been, lacking a sense of intimacy or connection with someone.  Now I’m not talking in a sexual way rather just a feeling of being able to connect with someone.  Someone you don’t have to talk to but can be comfortable just sitting with.  It’s a longing that’s been growing stronger and stronger and it’s terribly hard to ignore.  A somewhat dreadful feeling but one that I’m glad to be aware of.  Once your aware of something it makes it much easier to deal with as opposed to trying to fight the unknown demon that torments you.

Back from a VERY quick trip to Vancouver. As usual, when in Vancouver, I packed as many friends as I could into the few hours that I had to visit. Had breakfast with MC, Brunch with my buddy Ed whom I used to work with at The Bay (and found out today for the first time that we almost ended up as part of each other's extended family. My Uncle P was engaged to Ed's Sister-in-law! How crazy is that! It's insane that we've been friends for quite a while now and this is the first time that it's ever come up. My Dad and I just stared at each other dumbfounded when Ed mentioned Uncle P's name today. Talk about a small world!), then hooked up with my friend V who is helping me get a job at the Northern Camps that I mentioned earlier. Then I stopped VERY breifly at my old Zellers in Delta, Dad's meeting was 5 mins away, and visited with a friend there. Then Dad and I drove home. Lots of people for one day. Overall it was a very good trip.

Interviewing Skills?

God that was the worst interview I’ve ever gone to.  The fact that I did the interviewing should tell you how bad the interviewer at this company was.  Once I realized that the company was a finance company as in the ‘AVCO’ or ‘Household Finance’ companies of yesteryear I knew I had no interest in working there.  NEXT!