Ah Saturday night. Just got home. Very excited about tomorrow. I work for six hours (that's not why I'm excited) and then my good friend the Answer Man is coming down to my town, to attend a home show or some other such nonsense, and we are going to go out for supper. Yay!

Tonight was good. One of my friends from church is leaving tomorrow to go tree planting on the Island and so after church I went over to his place and hung out for a while with his group. Then I came home. Now I'm tired. I'm going to bed. Oh almost forgot there is supposed to be a really bad internet virus making it's rounds tomorrow. Everyone beware of e-mail! Good Night.

Well I'm back from the Interview. It went really well and both Managers told me that they were not in the least bit hesitant to endorse me as a candidate. They also said that they never usually do this without conferring with each other but they were confident I would be great. So things are well on their way.

On the plus side the headache still hasn't materialized. I didn't take any of the St. John's wart mixture I was given and I think that I may have hit upon the reason for the headaches. Strange though as the Drs. office said they have never heard of that symptom before. As a result of not having a headache I'm feeling much more optimistic than I have been for the past few days. Not entirely but that'll come I'm sure.

Because this is the first time in a couple days that I have felt up to it I'm going to actually do some homework. Don't really have anything all that important to do but it is important that some reading gets done. I think that if I concentrate on it I can get all my reading done by reading break.

Well anyways I'm going to go and make pizza and then eat it. I love Pizza.

God do headaches suck. Yesterday all day. The day before all day. Nothing yet today but the pre-symptoms are there. Going for my Interview at X this morning. I'll update when I get back. Hopefully it'll go well. Not all that worried though for some reason.

What's this I see on the front page of the paper, UBC to takeover OUC! Why could they not have done this earlier. I would much rather have a degree from UBC as opposed to OUC. My timing as usual is impeccable.

As I believe I mentioned before I may have been to hasty in decrying Chanel products everywhere. I woke up this morning feeling horrid. Things have not gotten much better as the day has progressed. The strange head feeling has turned into a nasty headache. It got so bad this afternoon that I had to have a nap. I don't usually do this because it's not usually very productive for me. Never manage to actually get to sleep. Anyways did today and then got up and watched Oprah's 50th Birthday Party on TV. Needless to say I think my brain got more stimulation out of sleeping.

Got a pleasant surprise today. My phone rang and it was my manager from X. Well as I had asked her about the possibility of entering the company's Management training program, months ago. She was calling to ask me if I was still interested and whether I could come in for an interview on Saturday. The Saturday interview is so that she and the head Manager can assess whether they want to recommend me for the program or not. Well I ask you is there really any question as to whether they are going to recommend me! Come on now this is me I'm talking about. So now I have to figure out answers to questions such as why do I want to work for X company etc.

Have I mentioned that it's been snowing steady here for almost the past four days. Stupid bloody white stuff (well it's not really bloody because it's white but you get the picture). Grrr snow.

Ok, maybe I was a bit hasty in decrying Chanel yesterday. I woke up this morning feeling just like yesterday morning and not wearing any cologne today. Anyways listening to a story on Dogs on CBC. Obviously there isn't enough interesting things going on in this country. Gotta go to class.

Wheeeeeeee am I in a better mood. Well at the moment I'm not totally gleeful just feeling slightly giddy. Anyone who doubts naturalpathy is stupid. Anyways I made an interesting discovery this morning. I woke up feeling quite good and very well rested, which has not happened for a very long time. I then got ready for my day and realized that I had to go shopping. I sprayed some of my new cologne that I got for Christmas on my sweater (a nice rust and black one) and left.

In the middle of Safeway I started to feel totally depressed a very unpleasant feeling took over my brain. It's a very peculiar feeling that I can't describe without saying you feel drunk but your not. Like the middle of your brain, you know right behind your eyes, just fell out. So anyways I got to thinking about what the Dr. said yesterday and was asking if I had a new girlfriend that wore a different perfume or anything and BINGO it hit me. I react very badly to Chanel fragrances. Interesting.

So when I got home I changed my sweater and put on another (a nice red, white, and blue one) put on a different Cologne and the lightheaded feeling mostly went away. So I'm going to avoid Chanel for a while and see if there is any difference.

In other news, well there really isn't any. Mom and Dad got home from the Caribbean today. Likely won't see them for a number of more days. Just don't feel like making the effort. That sounds terrible doesn't it. Oh well.

Hopefully now that I'm starting to feel better I'll be able to concentrate on school a bit more. Have been kind of sloughing off so far this year.

I think that Chanel is trying to kill me... More later.

Woke up at 8:33 this morning. Made it to A&W drive thru for an egger and still made it to class at 9:05! I amaze myself sometimes. Was feeling horrible. Finished my day at school and then went to my appointment at the Naturalpath. He said he couldn't figure out what was wrong with me but there was something definitely wrong. My liver was so full of toxins that he said it was like I had been poisoned. Then he asked me if I was on drugs or had any new things in my environment (thinking about toxic fumes etc.). Seeing as I haven't started any new and exciting drugs we were stumpped.

I'm currently taking a bunch of new pills and stuff and hopefully things will calm down soon. I'm supposed to call him next week if things haven't straightened out.

anyways ended up doing nothing for most of the rest of the day then went out for supper with my friend P because it's Pasta Tuesday at BP's! Then J came over and watched The New Guy. Actually pretty humorous. Now I'm gonna go have a shower and go to bed. I'm totally exhausted.

Oh I finally decided that it was time to get some counseling. I made myself an appointment with the church counsellor. Gotta figure out a lot of shit.

So as I noticed that my blogging is getting more and more depressing and my friends kept mentioning that something had changed in me I fully realized that I was likely going through a period of depression again. This morning I fully realized it when I woke up and didn't want to get out of bed and then the rest of the day was spent trying to avoid people and trying not to cry when I was speaking to people. I made an appointment with my Naturalpath. Thank God I got an appointment for tomorrow. So by the end of the week I should be back to my lovely self.

Last night I went down to the Bean Scene desperately hoping that my friend the random lady would be there. She was! We had a fantastic two hour conversation. She is just such an interesting lady and always wants to talk. I am very glad that I started talking to her. Our conversations are always so interesting.

Today I came to the realization that if I want to go traveling in Europe after school is done I don't have to do it for a year. I think that I will work for the summer, buy a ticket and travel around Europe for about a month in September. I'm kind of excited about the prospect. The fact that it's a short term plan leaves me feeling much better about the whole thing than if it were a long term plan. I can travel then come home, move to Vancouver or California and then start a Career. Oh, the opportunities. I think it's interesting that I have so many options open to me that they collectively scare the hell out of me and seem very overwhelming. Does this happen to everyone or just me?

I was gonna write something wonderfully insightful but I'm tired.

What a horrible night this has turned out to be. Went to Grandma's birthday party at my Uncles. My Sister brought her new boyfriend. Don't really like him, likely jealous but he seems damned cocky. Supper was ok but for some reason started to feel sick after I ate. Threw up in the bathroom. Then on the way home driving Grandma's car got pulled over for speeding. Now I have a headache and a $115 ticket. The ticket was my own fault I just wasn't paying attention. Now I'm home feeling like I'm gonna cry. Going to bed.

Well I'm heading up to Armstrong. Grandma's birthday today and don't want to miss that. Hopefully the family will be well behaved. You never know though.

Why is it that my life just has to suck so wonderfully? It's Saturday morning. My friends just left. I often wonder are they really my friends? Why do they continue to hang out with me? I'm negative, a pessimist, I don't like games, I'm a fucking hypocrite. Unreal. I don't even like myself why would others. I am so lonely.

What a paradox. Loneliness yet not wanting, no not able to be with people. I am coming to realize more and more that I isolate myself from people incredibly well. Why do I do what I do not want to do? Religion again. Grrrrr... Why does what people think of me matter so much to me. In the grand scheme of things I am nothing. So what if I'm a mess, so what if my clothes don't fit, so what if people think that... Whatever. In the incredible words of Annie Lennox "loneliness is a place that I know well, it's the distance between us and the space inside ourselves... And I've got a longin' that's hard to find something that I've lived with all along days and weeks and months and years fillin' in the time my dear try, tryin' to find the place where I belong and I've got a hunger that's hard to fill drivin' me on overkill tellin' me that everythings gone wrong got me a need that I can't break more that I can hardly take somehow I still keep on going strong."

My sister and the family dog came to visit me last night. Finally finished doing homework around 8 then we had one of our 'hunters nights'. Hunters nights evolved while I was still living at home in Vernon. There is an independent neighborhood store called hunters. We used to go down and get cheap videos and about $20 worth of junk food and just eat and lay around watching videos. Last night I finally got to see Finding Nemo! Pretty good flick.

I was in the middle of one of the most wonderful sleeps I have had in weeks when the dog who was sleeping in my room went crazy at 4 o'clock in the morning. Little bastard apparently decided that he needed to go outside. Took me about an hour to get back to sleep. Grrrr.

I am beginning to think the friend who told me that I should try everything at least once was not offering great advice. I tried something new the other night and it was not beneficial to me or my soul in any way (at least this is my present perspective). The sleepless nights while agonizing over the situation were not welcome. Why do I worry about things so much? Is it really just a part of my nature inherited from my Mother or is it a conscious choice that I have unwittingly made to take my actions and life too seriously. Can one take their own life too seriously? I would hesitate to think otherwise but at the same time the amount of stress that is inherent with taking life to seriously, not to mention the chance of missing something that actually is interesting or beneficial, is huge.

The mood of despair seems to be slowly lifting! Yay. Suddenly I am feeling much more excited about the prospect of Spring break and my annual 'indulgence with MK' trip.

I just came back from class and thankfully my roommate isn't home. He's a good guy and we get along fairly well I just don't have the tolerance to have him around all the time. Because he's been unemployed for as long as I know him he's here an awful lot. I really hope for his sake that his job situation works itself out really soon or I fear we will both go crazy.

I have plans to take a friend with me to church this weekend. She actually reminded me that she wanted to come which is unusual. My present disallusion with the church has me wondering exactly how I will represent it to this person. I hope that I don't jade her because of my own personal prejudices that have very little to do with the actual state of my present church.

Long day. Did a lot but don't feel like I accomplished much. Why does that happen? I hate it when I have days like that.

Good Morning! What a messed up weekend. The bar was ok, I learned to two-step, sort of, which made the whole experience good for learning. Still definitely not my scene. Something about meeting people when they're drunk doesn't appeal to me.

Sunday was a day of incredible sloth. Didn't do a thing for school. Really should have but... I watched 'The Devil's Advocate' Sunday morning (yes I know interesting choice for a Sunday morning) and it was a pretty awesome movie. It's take on free will and man was interesting. I wonder how many times ol' Keanu could actually resist the Devil. I think it's likely a lot fewer than the one time in the movie!

Went on a coffee date Sunday afternoon and had a really good time. I told her about 'The Picture of Dorian Grey' which I have just finished reading. The progression from Pure Innocence to Pure Evil the character of Dorian goes through is incredible. I think that Wilde had incredible insight into humanity. All they say about the wit of Oscar Wilde is true. The book is rich with quotes and puns that could be mined and used to great effect if the refinery of my mind had the ability or the space to store and make use of.

Now I'm sitting in my teachers office (I'm a TA) and it's Monday morning. This Monday is reasonable to deal with. None of the sever hatred of most Mondays is evident this morning only a meandering lethargy. I think it's the weather.

Just walked in from Saturday night church. Topic tonight was money. Interesting perspective. Can't say that I disagree with it. I just wonder about the effect it's going to have on most of the congregation. Basic gist of the sermon was don't get into money problems. Don't owe a huge amount of money to anyone because then you aren't free. As Christians we are supposed to be free. Pastor did make a number of good caveat about it though. Explained the two types of debt, good and bad. Good debt is that which is going to be used for your own enrichment or help you get ahead in life (i.e.- Student loan or home mortgage). Bad debt is credit card etc. I wonder when student loans became favorable in the eyes of the church?

So now I'm heading out to the bar with friends from school. I question whether I should be going but a good friend told me one time that I had better take advantage of every opportunity in life or I'll miss out. And besides this might just help me with my networking skills!

Friday night. Sitting in my living room at the computer. Saw a movie with friends, played pool, now nothing. MuchMusic is on, some blonde bastard hollering. Trying to psyche myself up for tomorrow and the mountains of homework. Not really mountains I just like to stress myself out.

I need to stretch myself more. I wonder do all Christians (or those that think they are) have to deal with the double-mindedness that I experience? I want to be consistent. I don't think that I am most of the time though. The same mouth that I sing praises to God with I profusely swear with. What's up with that. I hate the fact that I can't seem to find a direction in life that I feel comfortable with. Christianity is boring and anything else is too 'pagan'. Oh the double mindedness of me.

Feeling rather silly this morning. Just tried to log onto this thing and remembered that I had forgotten my username. Serves me right for using a different one than usual. Anyway's came to the conclusion that I need to get more exercise. Last night and even still this morning the physical stress that I'm feeling is just about unbearable. Every part of me is taunt and quivering like a guitar string. I had decided that I was going to get up early this morning and go for a good long walk before I had to go to work. It didn't work. Now I'm sitting here eating left-over pasta, from last nights supper, for breakfast and getting ready to dash off to work. I just heard on the radio that it was Michael Jackson's first day of court. Poor Micheal. Anyway's gotta go to work.

Greetings one and all! This blog is a trial and I'm curious to see if the art of blogging will come naturally for me or if it is going to be something that I am going to have to work at. At this point I'm feeling rather verbose and as journaling comes highly recommended I figure I'll give it a try.

I have absolutely no experience with online journals and have hardly read any. At this moment I'm feeling a mix of emotions. I'm excited about the prospect of learning something new through this experience, I'm kinda irritated that I have to do this, and I really have a lot of nervous energy (likely the result of being in my condo reading for the majority of the afternoon). To deal with all of these feelings I have decided that I am going to walk down to my neighbourhood coffee shop, and fave hangout, the Bean Scene. Maybe the strange lady that I met there months ago will be there and we will have a long discussion about religion, politics, or liturature. Maybe not. Either way I'll never know if I don't go...