Why is it that my life just has to suck so wonderfully? It's Saturday morning. My friends just left. I often wonder are they really my friends? Why do they continue to hang out with me? I'm negative, a pessimist, I don't like games, I'm a fucking hypocrite. Unreal. I don't even like myself why would others. I am so lonely.

What a paradox. Loneliness yet not wanting, no not able to be with people. I am coming to realize more and more that I isolate myself from people incredibly well. Why do I do what I do not want to do? Religion again. Grrrrr... Why does what people think of me matter so much to me. In the grand scheme of things I am nothing. So what if I'm a mess, so what if my clothes don't fit, so what if people think that... Whatever. In the incredible words of Annie Lennox "loneliness is a place that I know well, it's the distance between us and the space inside ourselves... And I've got a longin' that's hard to find something that I've lived with all along days and weeks and months and years fillin' in the time my dear try, tryin' to find the place where I belong and I've got a hunger that's hard to fill drivin' me on overkill tellin' me that everythings gone wrong got me a need that I can't break more that I can hardly take somehow I still keep on going strong."