I've caught a cold. I'm not thrilled with the idea but that's what's happend. Starting tomorrow I have two days off. Thank God! So tired.

Ok, Janet has informed me that my blog has been making me sound like I'm miserable lately. I'm so sorry that's totally not the message I should be conveying. I'm seriously very, very happy here. True I have been having a bit of a tough time at work lately but I actually found out that it's because the guy who was assigned to be my mentor is a fucking ass hole who is threatened by me. I have talked to my coach, who happens to be his boss, and things are going to change in the store. I think that most of the problem seems to be that I view him as a resource for help when I need it. He seems to view me as an extra peon that he can boss around. Funny enough though cause I actually have a higher position than he does in the store and I'm obviously smarter than he is. Ok I'm done now, that's all I'm going to write about my job right now.

I just got home from a date with Dan. I really seriously like this guy and he seems to seriously like me too. Funny thing happened tonight. As we were walking downtown it seems that Dan is scared of homeless people (don't ask). So we're walking up the street and we go to pass this homeless guy and he gets a little to close to Dan so he grabs my hand. I of course start talking to the homeless guy and say "How are you doing?" He answers "well my foot hurts." To which I answer "Oh, that's too bad" and carry on because I assume the conversation is over. Assumed wrong. Homeless dude laughs at us and yells down the street "when are you to gonna get married?" To which I reply "not for a long time." So of course homeless dude yells at the top of his lungs "WELL NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE!" OMG how hysterical is that? I was just killing myself laughing. So damned funny. I told Dan later that I should have told him that we're not going to get married because we don't believe in inter-racial marriages (Dan's East Indian)! Either way this was a great end to a great evening.

I'm drunk. Very rough day. Very drunlk

GFoood night.

Just got home from dropping Dan off. He came out for dinner tonight with Lexi and I, then we came back to our place for Martini's. Marcie of course came over and we had a fantastic time. Dan and I left the girls and went up to check out the view from our roof top patio which he was completely sure was awesome. Earlier when we were on our way to pick up Marcie he had asked if we could go to the beach again so after the patio we went down to Kit's beach. The evening was excellent and I will be seeing more of Dan. Tomorrow it's off to Marcie's for dinner. I hope she makes her amazing salad!

Wow last night's post was dramatic. Sorry about that, but thanks to Stuffy and Raph for writing in their support. I got to the store this morning and was excited to be there. I love what I'm doing as much as there are some aspects of it that I don't like there are more things that I like than anything else. I'm actually glad that I started to think about the things I thought about last night though. Having these thoughts early into this stuff actually really helps. I really am starting to understand that I've got to put the time in now. Actually this isn't a big deal because what the hell do I have to do otherwise?

Today was Marcie and I's very first Pilates class. All I can say is I'm not so sure about this Pilates stuff. It's very hard work which was a bit of a surprise honestly but it was actually fairly enjoyable. I realized that if I was doing it a couple of times a week that my abs would be amazing! Too bad it's so bloody expensive as well the fact that I don't have time to do anymore classes. A good experience anyway.

Tomorrow Dan, Lexi and I are going out for dinner and then watching a movie at our place. It should be a good time.

Oh, oh, oh I bought a vacuum cleaner tonight! How exciting is that! How lame am I for being excited about that! It doesn't matter, now Lexi will stop being irritated by the fact that we don't have a vacuum cleaner. I bought a 12amp Panasonic bagless. Of course it was on sale, with a $20 mail in rebate and my company discount on top of all that so I got a great deal! How exciting a vacuum that really sucks. OMG I'm getting way to old if I'm excited about a vacuum.

Well I had a reality check today that wasn't too pleasant. It has become glaringly apparent that I am going to have to start spending more than the current 9.5 hours a day at work from now on. The work load in my department along with the extra courses that are expected of me as well as the extra responsibilities that are expected are not going to happen if I leave when I'm "supposed" to everyday. I'm seriously thinking tonight about whether this company really is the place for me. If the company expects me to work that much for so little pay then why in hell don't I just quit and go start my own company. The potential that this is all just part of a learning curve is foremost in my mind as well but I'm not sure if the situation will ever change. Argh! I'm just so frustrated with things right now. If this is really what life is supposed to be all about then I'm not sure that I like it all that much.

I love going into the store everyday and I enjoy the work that I'm doing for the most part but at the same time I desire a level of balance between the two that I'm not really sure exists. It's entirely plausible that for the rest of the training program I'll be working my ass off and that as soon as the program is done I'll continue doing that. It's really a good thing that I don't have a family or anything because I don't know how people with families do this. Balance... how to achieve balance. That is the question of the evening.

After Lexi practically tossed me out of the apartment tonight saying "Get off the computer and go hang out with him!" I ended up spending an interesting evening discussing the validity of Theology as an Academic study along with numerous other topics with new boy (I'll call him The Russian). And here I thought I wouldn't be talking about Christian Theology much anymore since I left Prairie... guess I was wrong. In fact the whole conversation was odd and I kept thinking to myself "What the hell!" Ironic that I finally make a more visible break from the church and then I end up defending Christian Theological concepts in a 24 hour Vegetarian restaurant till 1 in the morning with my gay date.

So yes in the past week I have managed to meet and date two new guys. Both are very nice and both have interesting qualities. The Russian is very cerebral and likes to prove to that he's right. At one point tonight I stopped him just for clarification on his thought process. "Do you actually think that I'm that dumb that you need to break everything down into rudimentary concepts?!" I asked him. After which he apologized and said no that wasn't his intention. I thanked him and assured him that I was in fact not that dumb then proceeded to deconstruct him on a personal level. I was actually really quite fascinated that he would allow me to go where I did tonight in the level of deconstructing his mind.

He told me that he had, had a very good time because he wasn't used to having someone to talk to that could debate and discuss topics with at a higher level. Well I don't really know how high that level actually was but... whatever. Actually I rather enjoyed the evening as well as I was reminded of many evenings with Raphael where we would sit, drink tea and discuss.

Both of my dates in the past two days have gone well but I heard the exact same comment from both gentlemen. "You have a wall around you!" The Russian actually went as far as to say it was almost physical. "You don't let people get close to you, do you" he asked. It's really weird because tonight I think that I was actually conciously building that wall and I'm not even sure why. I must be afraid of getting to close to these people. Perhaps if I let that wall down I might fall in love (what a horrifying thought). Perhaps why I build that wall is because I don't want to get mentally and emotionally taken for a ride. I'm going to have to think on this.

I do seem to be making friends easily right now though. Both guys seem to enjoy being in my company and suggest new things to do a lot. One (who I've just decided to call Dan) calls me everyday just to chat. Actually Saturday night is was almost annoying after the 8th time he called me. Apparently he thinks of me when drunk... how flattering.

I have to laugh at Lexi the girl is getting more pushy everyday on how I should be interacting with the boi's. I gotta love her. Tonight I made her eat shrimp for the first time and I think she has to admit that it wasn't all that bad! Don't you Lexi?!

Today is my day off. So far I am making good use of it by sleeping in, enjoying a leisurely shower, and will soon be putting in a load of wash before I go and do a small big of shopping for some groceries and such. As one of my new friends would say it's going to be a very chill day.

Well I just got home from a reasonably interesting day. First off last night was fairly interesting as I spent most of the night drinking Martini's eating chocolate cake and chatting with a fairly interseting guy. It was fairly late by the time that I went to bed. Knowing that I had to work today I should have went to bed earlier but... well I didn't.

All was good this morining though because the store didn't open until 12 so I was good with having to work today. I waltsed into the store around 11 and I was in an insanely good mood. With all that's been going on in the past few weeks I was honestly surprised at myself and how gosh darn happy I was. I actually managed to get a reasonable amount of things accomplished today because the Manager who used to occupy my desk finally came down and cleaned out all the crap that she'd left leaving me with all these empty drawers to fill with my own crap. Nice because I was able to go through the paper littering the top of my desk and I found a lot of things that needed delt with. After work I drove one of my co-workers home and went to meet a boy downtown.

I met said boy on the internet a while ago and have been chatting with him on the phone quite a lot. I actually met him a week ago now and he's great. Really funny guy. I enjoy spending time with him because he's funny but he's very much not my type. Actually I think that he's my polar oposite. He's all emotion and spunk. The perkiest little guy I've ever met. Anyway I had a good time with him tonight.

Tomorrow I'm not going into work. Seeing as I pretty much got screwed over today with having to work I've decided that I'm taking the day off tomorrow. Planning on going for a long walk with a new friend as well as.

Just got back from a run with Lexi. She warned me this morning that when I got home from work we were going for a run. I should have stayed at work... no it actually wasn't that bad and now I feel pretty darn good. Much better than when I got home from work earlier. Again today was very overwhelming. I get this call first thing in the morning and my Mentor tells me "Oh by the way I have someone coming in for an interview with you at 11." Excuse me... I've never conducted an interview before. How am I supposed to know what to do. So he came down and conducted the interview while I watched. I had better get used to doing them though as I've got to find and hire approximately 10 more staff members in the next month. Anyone who wants to work for me just let me know!

I got home from work tonight to be greeted by Lexi saying "We need to talk!" Apparently she had read last night's entry and was very upset with me for holding in my feelings. I'm sorry Honey but that's just the way I am. That's why this blog has been so good for me because I can actually vent my feelings and frusterations without worrying about whatever it is that I worry about. Have I mentioned lately how much I love Lexi! The girl is awesome.

Work today turned out to be reasonable. The review with the Hun from head office went well. Turns out she was more interested in destroying a couple of cosmetics counters than she was in coming after me. That and my Executives had pretty much nailed everything down so that she really didn't have anything to come after me for. Those lady's are great. I wouldn't ever cross them or purposely make them angry at me though.

After work all of the store Management went to my office mate's (I share an office) house where we all proceeded to drink a lot. Had an excellent time. Excellent stress reliever. Well now I have to go to bed because I work tomorrow. Good night and thank you all for your concern. Love you!

The stress I have been under for the past few days is just incredible. I'm having trouble sleeping, my muscles are tight, my skin is going to hell, and I feel anxious most of the time. The feeling of wanting to cry occurs frequently. All of this is directly related to work and the current environment in my store.

The fact that I am a Sales Manager for the first time in my life and of a poorly performing department that is supposed to see a 25% increase during my time there contributes greatly to my stress. The additional fact that I feel as though I was thrown to the wolves by my managers doesn't help. Things are getting a little better though and I have been receiving more direction from the store Executives in recent days. Today was mostly spent preparing for a store visit from one of the Regional Managers. Thing is that most of the time Sales Managers don't directly report to this Regional Manager but because of the special nature of my current position with the company the Store Executives decided that it would be good for me to present my poorly performing business to her tomorrow. The fact that I inherited this business only a week ago and have yet to completely understand what's going on in it doesn't seem to matter. The Executives feel that I can do it. I'm actually thrilled that they think I am capable but at the same time the stress level I am under is staggering. The expectation for excellent performance is both my own and that of the Executives and I don't want to let either down. Thank God for Vitamin B pills and their calming effect.

Mom called me tonight. All went reasonably well during our conversation until she asked me if I was praying about the situation at work. "We can't do it on our own you know!" When I answered with a grunt I immediately knew I was in for trouble. I received a couple minute lecture and then was told that she would be praying for me. I really don't know of anything worse that she could have said. Of course I realize she prays for me, and Sister, everyday and that is comforting but when she specifically tells me that I shouldn't turn my back on God and that she will pray for me it pierces my heart. How on earth do I tell her that I don't want to give a rats ass anymore. How do I tell her that the years I spent trying to be someone else were a waste and that they were the most unhappy of my life. She knows it... but does she? How can she possibly understand what I've gone through? I really don't believe she can.

I really don't want to consciously turn my back on God but there are aspects of my life that just don't mesh with the theology that I believe in. I cannot even accept myself and what I am so why would God. I know He's there and I believe that he is directing my life but I don't know for what purpose. By walking the road I am walking am I walking out of His direction or is He still directing me towards some ultimate place. Am I just a peon that doesn't matter, will I make a change in the world? Will I ever have the answers to these angonizing questions. Can I change my thinking to be more in line with cultural and religious norms? Do I want to? What does that look like? Could I be alone forever...

So tonight I go off to bed in a sad state of mind. How do I bring how I was raised and what I am together into one symbiotic place inside of me? What is good and valuable in each and what needs to be discarded. How do I go on?

Tiring day. Tomorrow's looking to be just as tiring. Cosmetics & Jewellery gala at work. Going to be a late night.

Lexi and I decided that we would walk to Starbucks tonight. Not all that much of a feat as it's only two blocks down the street. We got coffee's, drank them at the sidewalk table and chairs and watched the people go by, then we walked across the street and found a log to sit on. We chatted about random things and watched the ocean and the lights of the city. It was cool.

On the way home we walked past a small market where they sell flowers. As is seeming to become my custom I bought some. Actually I only bought a very small bunch of flowers but I bought a huge bunch of eucalyptus! I arranged them both in a the juice jug we are using as a vase (for some reason neither of us owns a vase) and they look beautiful. The eucalyptus smells amazing! I honestly think that eucalyptus and sandalwood are two of my favourite smells.

I really miss Sister. I am planning on flying her out to visit me either before Christmas or in February. Finances permitting of course.

Thank heavens it's my day off tomorrow. From the sounds of it Lexi and I are going to go shopping for some random cool things for the apartment. We're going to go to Caban, The Bay, Ikea, and a few other assorted places. It will be a fun day.

We put up my pictures the other day and I have to say they look amazing. We put my large Audrey Hepburn up in the dining room, my Money print is in the living room, and the amazing piece of Audrey my Sister did for me is hanging in the hall of my room. My pictures and Lexi's furniture go together like we planned it. It's just amazing to me that our taste in just about everything is so similar. I'm very lucky.

Ugh, what a day. At work I was suddenly overwhelmed. I met with my Supervisor and she went over some the of expectations they have for me in the next couple of months. After she was finished I told her that I was going to go and cry for a while. She thought I was joking. I swear if I was capable of tears I would have cried. There isn't anything that they are asking me to do that is out of the ordinary or anything but seeing it all there in black and white in front of me was somewhat staggering. I've got to learn to stop and take a step back when I'm at work and breath. Today for a second day in a row I forgot to eat. I just had so much going on that I didn't stop for the entire shift. I realize the importance of learning how to step back now because it's only going to get worse.

After I fled the store this evening I walked out to my car and found that my passenger side rear tire had gone completely flat. Seems that this morning I had run over a massive piece of re-bar what decided to puncture the tire. Thank God that I wasn't crossing the Port Mann Bridge or something. Of course I called road side assistance and it took about 40 mins for the guy to get there. I was trying so hard to be nice to him because I was in such a dramatic mood. Blood sugar had been dropping steadily for hours and I wasn't sure if I was going to cry or go off on someone by the time I finally got back to the house. Things were so bad that I actually went and had McDonalds for dinner! Now of course I feel sick.

I have taken two Vitamin B pills in the past bit and I'm counting on that to help calm me down. Lexi is sitting here waiting for me to finish this up so that we can go out and walk around, maybe grab a coffee. We had discussed going out to a gay club tonight so we'll see where the evening takes us... The way my life is careening lately I don't have a clue.

Last night was very enjoyable. Lexi and I had deciding earlier in the day that we weren't going to do anything all that exciting that night. So we didn't. I came home from work around 6ish and we made Taco's which were SO delicious. Then I invited Rita to come over after she was finished work at the Dog sitting place she works at. Then of course I had to invite Marcie because what's an envening in Vancouver without Marcie. Essentially the evening consisted of sitting around in our dinning room drinking Martini's and visiting. After a while Brandon, Lexi's new boyfriend, came over and mercifully he brought us two bags of Doritoes. So the evening got even classier. Imagine the five of us sitting around, Marcie and I in jogging pants, drinking Martini's and eating Doritoes. Come to think of it switch the Martini's for beer and we'd have fit right in, in a trailer court!

WOW! What a day! I'm in my new store and it really feels like coming home. All that high end merchandise. I'm so happy to be there. My new position is Department Head of jewelry! I have 23 Associates reporting directly to me and I'm just a little overwhelmed by it at the moment. I proved to myself today thought that I am a fairly decent salesman. With absolutely no product knowledge or anything other than my innate ability to BS I managed to sell 4 watches (true I needed some help from the Associates on specific details such as warranties and such but the majority of the effort was on my own).

After a very busy day at the store I got into the back seat of my car and changed my shirt. Then I climbed into the front seat, surprising the people in the car next to me a little, and drove down to the downtown Sheraton where Marcie's company was throwing a gala. Gala is industry speak for "We'll buy you some wine, appetizer and a couple gifts while you sit and watch a fashion show of the new fall lines!" To say the least I loved it. Right up my alley. Perhaps the best part was the schmoozing potential. Most of the top executives from my company were there and I got to meet a lot of our vendors as well. You never know where your going to need connections!

Well tomorrow is going to be another busy day so off to bed I go.

Well one last day before I start work again. I'm completely exhausted now though. Today I'm taking it really easy. Pam is coming over to hang out for a while and I think we'll go to Kitsilano Beach, which happens to be across the street from my place.

To tell the truth I'm actually somewhat depressed today. Just not feeling up to par. I think it's because I'm tired and so much change has happened recently. I'm looking forward to getting back into the swing of things.

Yesterday was a fairly good day. Spent the majority with Marcie and we went to Zellers! Rather odd because we went from walking through a high end mall looking at $400 pairs of boots and $250 pairs of Sunglasses to looking for deals on cleaning supplies. Funny how things change as you get older and get responsibility takes over.

After an exhausting day yesterday I slept in until 10 this morning. It was a really nice feeling. Now I'm sitting here in my apartment trying to figure out exactly what I need to do today. I think the first thing I'll do is go and get a few groceries. After having eaten out almost everynight for the past week I'm getting to that panicy place where you realize your spending WAY to much money. Unfortunatly there really wasn't all that much I could do about it.

Today the weather in Vancouver is amazing. I'm very excited to go out and explore my neighbourhood this afternoon and then take a drive up to my new store so that I know how to get there.

In regards to my apartment, we've come across an interseting problem. The place is too damned big. We actually don't have enough furniture to make it feel like home. Strange situation actually. The place is airy and bright even though it's on the ground floor. True we have bars on the windows and a land lady who we call the warden but for now it's a wonderful home.

Well I've gotta get going and go grocery shopping.

Yeah, so I'm back in Kelowna for a moment getting all my stuff together for the move tomorrow.

Yesterday I wanted to start drinking at 10AM. It's been a rough week! I walked into Marcie and Franks place last night to find a party already underway! I immediately joined in. The evening peaked really early which meant that everyone was in bed by 1 which was good for me as I had the drive this morning. To make up for the fact that we didn't go out dancing though roommate and Marcie are ensuring we go out on Sunday! Good thing its a long weekend and I don't start work until Wednesday.

As I'm sitting here writing this I just finished packing up my room and moving everything to the garage to help make things easier for tomorrow. All that is left in my room here in Kelowna is my bed, which I will be sleeping in tonight. I really have mixed feelings about leaving Kelowna. Retrospectively I have had a huge year of personal growth this year and it's left me in an interesting place. I'm somewhat sad about leaving this city, it's been good to me.

Thoughts at this moment on moving to Vancouver are as such. I'm totally excited but I'm slightly apprehensive as well. Not only is this going to be a new city it's pretty much going to be a new lifestyle for me as well. Talking to room-mate today in the car (she was nice enough to come with me so that I didn't have to bring the rental truck back and pick up my car) I told her that I wasn't really all that sure what I was supposed to do now... I'm out and have accepted that but now what? Only time will tell.

On Friday in our class room session we watched a video entitled "Who Moved My Cheese?" this is honestly one of the most impressive little inspirational thingy's I've ever seen. The one thing that I got out of it... or at least that impacted me the most was the question

What Would You Do If You Weren't Scared?

Even thought I wouldn't have been in the place to honestly answer that question a long time ago I wish I would have been asked it.

Oh just remembered on the drive up Room-mate requested that her new alias be Lexi. So world I introduce to you my room-mate Lexi! She's awesome and we're going to have a HELL of a good time together. She's a self-professed partier and I know my life won't be quite the same as long as she's around.

Have a Good Night! Good Bye Kelowna you've been good to me.

Thank God that it's Thursday. What a week. Today class was focused on conflict. The day was fairly long and involved but at the same time I think that I learned quite a lot. I have been hearing a lot of "I don't really feel like I know you!" from many random people. I'm not entirely sure what these people are looking for because it's not like we're good friends or anything... just random acquaintances from work.

Talking with Pam today she told me that I need to stop being mean. When I think about why I am mean to people I have to think that it's a result of defense mechanisms I've been building up for years. I really think that I'm going to have to work on this even more now. I don't want people to think that I'm mean.

Here's a Euro update. Nothing. I don't really know why this bothers me but it really does. I'm certainly not infatuated with this guy or anything but I am somewhat hurt that even though his mouth says he wants to get to know me his actions clearly show he doesn't. People like that arn't worth my time... so why am I bothered by this?